Everything.

I watched the film London Boulevard a few months ago. It stars Keira Knightley and Colin Farrell. In the trailer (at :57 in the IFC version), to be exact), she asks him that question.

He gives her the correct answer.

I decided to see the film based on those two lines of dialogue alone. (That, and a penchant for Guy Ritchie-esque London gangster films where Ray Winstone is always the villain).

I wanted to see what led up to that question, its answer and what was actually done about it.

**

Love rarely is killed in one fell swoop. Its death is usually the result of tens or hundreds of slights, ignores, denials, and less respect and honor than is its due.

It usually dies as the accumulated result of lack of attention (half-listening), a phone call returned too late, the wrong answer given, too little acknowledgement and an overall lack of effort.

And courage.

Doing everything for love requires more courage than any other journey you will ever embark upon.

Doing everything for love means you don’t hold back any part of you to keep it safe. You don’t hedge your bets. You throw everything into the fire.

“And I never wanted
Anything from you
Except
Everything you had
And what was left after that too”

~ Florence and the Machine, “Dog Days Are Over”
(again, the right answer)

The leaping is the price of entry into a new life, a new reality where love permeates every fiber of your existence.

What does it look like?

When my non-stop-eating teenage son asks me to make him a second dinner at 10:30 at night, and all I want to do is chill, I get up and make it anyway.

He follows me into the kitchen where he tells me about his day. I realize that he may be hungry for food, but he’s hungrier for connection. I push all other thoughts out of my mind (no mental multi-tasking) and fully listen to him. I can feel him relax and soften.

Too tired to connect with your lover at the end of the night? Find the strength inside of you. It matters. Deeply.

When you connect with anyone you love (or perhaps anyone at all), drop everything. Be fully present. There is love in every moment, if you can stop to open yourself to it.

Let’s say you are speaking to your lover. Dare to be more vulnerable, to reveal every nuance and meandering of your heart. In the moment, maybe you think you are showing too much and putting yourself in a risky place.

If you are truly authentic, they will meet you there.

Someone has to go first.

A lover once said to me that revealing his heart constantly was the only defense he had. Meaning, truly honoring the gifts of love in front of you, and the feelings inside of you, by acknowledging them with your brave heart, is the only way to keep them flowing.

Your own courage protects you.

In summary. How to love:

1) Drop everything.
2) Give he/she/it your full attention.
3) Always reveal the truth in your heart. Not doing this may be the only mistake you will ever make in love.

This applies to everything you love: people, animals, creative projects.

We’re all fed by the same food.

~ Kim
xx

~Voltaire

I made a major decision recently to let go of something that has been a massive part of my life for nearly a decade. Though there were many positive aspects to this situation, it’s time of uplifting me had long expired.

Even though I knew this consciously, I had attachments. I had fears.

I also knew that I would have to leap and trust.

I talked it out with someone who is especially good at seeing where we trick ourselves and rationalize a life and behaviours that protect, rather than serve us.

It became so clear what I had to do.

I made the decision and committed to it.

There were many doors that I needed to close in order to move on.

I watched myself spend a day not taking action, hovering in limbo. I began to get anxious and confused. I realized that in order to harness this momentum, I would have to actively take charge.

I did. I looked at the doors that needed closing and systematically attended to them. I tried not to think or analyze as I went: I just closed.

What I noticed, is that with each closure, I felt more free and centered in myself.

When we leave these doors open, our energy leaks out through them. Even if we aren’t consciously aware of it, it’s happening.

I could especially feel the difference when I closed a major door. I felt a sense of inner peace. I felt revitalized.

Closing doors to pathways you’ve moved away from gives you power and energy. Instead of leaving them partly open, in case you think maybe you’ll return, they hold you back from springing back into your new life and reality. And, it challenges us to place our trust in the universe.

A friend of mine used to be _the_ top commercial actor in a major city. He said that he never took any extra work, like the other actors he knew. By removing his safety net, he had to book each audition. And he did because he was fully committed.

We collect up the parts of ourselves we’ve scattered and bring them back home. Now we’re functioning stronger, at a higher level. With integrity. Because we’re integ-rated.

When you know, you know.

Right now, what do you know?

Act on your knowing right away. Follow your ideas immediately.

When you cut the ties from the past and seal off exit strategies, you move faster. You springboard forward.

Not only do I want you to close doors, I want you to get off on it. Have fun with it. Revel in the knowledge and slam those f**kers. With gusto and love.

~ Kim
xx

Image: “Khazad-dûm” by claustral

I write a lot about the therapeutic benefits of sex: how it uplifts and heals you physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

I have always seen sex as having the power to rejuvenate me. After a deep sexual encounter, I feel reborn.

Sex can be many things—an expression of love, a desire to connect more deeply and a way to clear the cobwebs in your being and recalibrate you.

I love sex for its ability to dislodge me when I feel stuck.

Anal stimulation is especially good for this.

Think about it—the ass is the proverbial exit route for your shit; the food; the experiences that you have metabolized, digested and moved through your system. Yet, we aren’t always successful in processing things fully.

Or in letting them go.

When you feel stuck and you need a little prodding, anal play can be the perfect remedy.

There is a reason we call people “tight asses.” It’s a reflection of the fact that they seem overly hung up on something or “anal retentive.” They’re in need of loosening up.

Little do we know that the solution lies within the problem.

Sometimes you can’t see your own “shit” or blind spots. This is when having a coach, a lover or a friend is a great asset in helping you illuminate your own issues.

You can do this via your own sexual forays as well. You can bring the darkness into the light.

A lot of tension gets stored in the ass—physically and energetically.

By opening up the area, we are forcing ourselves to relax and to let go deep within ourselves. Gently prying, relaxing and penetration can be just what we need to access the inaccessible.

You are practicing the art of letting go.

Being penetrated, in an area as sensitive as the ass, incrementally opens you. On all levels of your being. It teaches you how to relax and surrender. And fall into the unknown.

Anal play can be practiced in men and women. Both sexes can have anally-induced orgasms.

Some women climax even harder through anal sex than through vaginal.

Same with men.

In a lovely little joke played by God on men in our homophobic culture, the male G-Spot is the prostate gland—located in the ass. (I give tutelage in unlocking this pleasure zone in my e-salon: G-Spot Ecstasy).

Kill two birds with one stone! Men can move through any fears they have about what enjoying anal play means, and have fabulous G-Spot accelerated orgasms.

Walk bravely into your erotic toolbox. Look for different keys to open you. Explore them during your sex dates.

This post isn’t a tutorial in how to do it. It’s about why. There’s plenty of information out there on how. (In short: lots of lube and go slow. Or check out my e-course).

Very few people ever talk about why: it’s cathartic and transformative.

Enjoy your weekend. And your sex date.

~ Kx

Image: Eva Pirazzi

But that’s a good guess. 

Watch this.

~ Kim
xx

In the realm of eco-sex and love, there is a whole world out there of sexy, pretty, green and healthy things. Here are my picks for tools and brands to bring a higher-quality consciousness to your bedroom arts.

Sex toys: Over the past few years, a number of companies have emerged dedicated to creating body-safe, eco-conscious playthings that are also exquisitely beautiful.

Jimmyjane is one such company. Their vibrators are erotic objet d’art. They range from the gorgeous and functional “Form” collection to the platinum and diamond-studded, three-thousand dollar Little Eternity (Think of it as an addition to your investment portfolio). Some of their vibrators feature collaborations with different artists, like the “Ultimate Member” collection with Gorillaz artist Jamie Hewlett.

To read the rest of this article, please go to MindBodyGreen:

You may not always be conscious of the impact your thoughts have on your life, but impact they have.

Other people may not consciously be aware of the thoughts you hold about them, but subconsciously they are.

Be mindful of your words. Before that even, be mindful of your thoughts.

I was driving home from an event the other night. I had a conversation with someone that got me thinking about how I was being misunderstood. The thinking led to defensiveness, which led to fuming. In my head.

I spent about 15 minutes formulating arguments and indulging in criticism of others.

A burning smell broke me out of my reverie. Then smoke began rising from the hood of my car. I pulled over and got out to take a look. As I bent to see where the smoke was coming from, I saw flames underneath my hood.

Instant panic/adrenalin response and my accompanying thought sequence:

“Cars + Smoke + Fire = Explosion?

If explosion = incinerating contents of car, what’s in the car?

Ah, my laptop. My book is on my laptop. Must get the laptop.

Hmm. My groceries. Yep, must get those as well.

I think my runners are in the trunk. I might go running tomorrow. Grab those too.”

And then I sprint across the parking lot, because I think i should probably be far away from my car. I look around to see how many other cars and potentially people are around me. No people, but all these cars could be toast.

The car is in the shop (no explosion) but they haven’t found the problem yet. I have.

*****

Everything you think and feel emanates out into the world and finds form. The spiritual Law of Karma states that it all comes back to you. Maybe not right away. Maybe not this week. Maybe not this lifetime.

But it comes back.

The relationship I have with spirit right now is that whatever I sow, I reap immediately. I’m ever refining my actions and thoughts to make them more pure.

When I slip, I get smacked. I am reminded to be much more mindful of my thoughts.

Because the truth is, if my destructive thoughts are that powerful, just think of how far-reaching my positive ones are, especially, when they’re infused with the superpower, secret weapon, most powerful force we have access to, love.

~ Kim
xx

Image: Su Blackwell

~ Dr. Dean Ornish

I love that quote.

I mean, I love it when science backs me up.

As a coach, I see sex/love/intimacy as one of, if not the most, important factor governing happiness in one’s life.

When this area is thriving, it spills over and uplifts every other area of our lives. When it is lackluster, it sucks everything else into it like a vacuum.

Since we live in a culture that excommunicates sex—encouraging us to shunt off its power and deny its pleasure—it’s no wonder that people are confused.

On the one hand, there is a natural urge that arises to touch, to love, to enter into the deep, intense, surrendered space of conscious, sexual connection.

On the other hand, we have to fight against any internalized voices telling us that sex is a minor part of life or a relationship. Or worse, that there’s something bad about it.

Until they reconcile these dichotomies and seek to consciously heal them, most people remain stuck in indecision.

Yet, the impact of such indecision shows up in marriages that wilt and vitality that dulls.

Vulnerable, heart-opened sexual connection deepens love. It amplifies the power of it. If you want to have more energy, charisma, confidence, beauty, intelligence and overall flow in life, prioritize your intimate life.

Schedule sex dates. Carve out time to emotionally connect and clear the air with your partner. Remember those hours of euphoric conversation you could have when you first got together? You can have that again—if you prioritize it.

Do you plan extended sex dates? (You can have one with me this fall).

On a scale of 1-10, how much do you prioritize your intimate connection? Where would you like it to be?

I know where I’d like to see you have it: at an 8+.

Even if you are single, you can cultivate your own intimate growth: physically and emotionally and psychologically by working on issues that you know keep you from going deeper.

When you put your intimate life near the top of your priority list, it will give back to you miraculous, life-changing gifts.

~ Kim
xx
Painting: Klimt, Fulfilment, 1905-09

If not, leave
this gathering.

Half-heartedness doesn’t reach
into majesty. You set out
to find God, but then you keep

stopping for long periods
at meanspirited roadhouses.

~ Rumi

Image: Otto Stupakoff

When I do any sort of public speaking these days, I don’t get nervous.

I get excited.

If you think about it, the two feel very much the same: the butterflies in your stomach, the tingling in your groin (uh, well, my groin tingles), the shortness of breath, the feeling like your head may explode.

Hey wait, doesn’t this also sound like an orgasm?

Yes, but we’ll get to that later.

It’s a very fine line between anxiety and excitement. (And, apparently, orgasm).

When I’m excited, I’m wild about the possibilities. I’m stepping into the unknown. I’m going full-speed ahead. I’m not stopping to care or worry or think about things going wrong.

I don’t have time for that! I have places to go, things to do, universes to conquer.

The difference to me between the two, is that when I’m in anxiety, I’m focused on
 “What if things go wrong?” I’m taking a step back from life, from success, from fully showing up.

It’s a subtle shift between the two. If we were to place anxiety and fear on a scale, they’d be awfully close together. Here’s how to change your focus:

1) Don’t think, just get into action. Don’t give your mind even a moment to go stray off. Give it something to do. Focus it on a task. Be of service. Channel your gifts into something powerful.

For me, the salvation lies in the writing. A lot of my work involves writing. So I write. And I write hard. When I come out the other side, I have found my center and strength again.

2) Know the things that restore you to your center. Do them.

I also find salvation in yoga. And the forest. And in The 4-Hour Orgasm. I do at least one of these things each day.

3) Speaking of which, have an orgasm. Yes, this is my advice. (I know you’re not surprised). When you orgasm, you flood your system with oxytocin. Oxytocin immediately reduces cortisol, which is a major stress hormone.

Orgasm is one of the biggest resets of your autonomic nervous system. It can shift you out of your negative train of thought. Just remember to breathe (see The 4-Hour Orgasm).

4) Consciously think about the fear/anxiety/excitement scale. Choose to move yourself over just a notch (usually that’s all it is) from anxiety to excitement.

If you were excited about this thing, if everything could truly go right, how would you feel? What would it look like? Stay there.

4) Talk it out. Get on the phone with someone and get your anxiety out in the open. If it festers in you, it grows bigger. Nip it in the bud, out yourself and let saner minds help you through it.

5) And get into motion. (Item 1 again, because it’s important).

Something else we were taught in acting school is that your audience wants you to succeed. No one wants to see you fail. No one came, paid their money and wanted you to mess it up. Your audience (your life companions, the other ‘actors’ in your personal show), are all rooting for you.

Now go knock it out of the park.

~ Kim
xx

Image: The Girl from Atlantis by Sølve Sundsbø

I am also an advocate for conscious health and people taking responsibility for the impact of their lifestyle choices on their bodies.

Like many Canadians, I find the Republican political race fascinating. Of course, I heard about the recent debacle with Rush Limbaugh and Sandra Fluke.

I have a unique take on the situation. While I don’t support Limbaugh’s comments and I do support the idea of contraception being available for women, there is a much bigger issue at stake.

Women can easily take charge of their own fertility. Like every female in the animal kingdom, women show visible signs of estrus. One method that shows women how to read these signs is the Billings Method.

It was developed decades ago by the husband and wife team, Drs. John and Evelyn Billings in Australia. They discovered/created it because they were Catholic and looking for a method of contraception that didn’t go against their religious beliefs.

I am not Catholic, nor were my motives religious—I discovered it because I was looking for a method that would not go against the integrity of my body and my health.

In my late teens, I became a vegetarian and embarked on a lifelong education in an organic, whole foods lifestyle. I began researching alternative healing methods like herbs and homeopathy. I removed pharmaceuticals and synthetic chemical products from my life—from shampoos to body lotions to house cleaners.

My pursuit of natural living and getting more in touch with my body led me to discover natural birth control. I found a book in my local library by Drs. John and Evelyn Billings, called The Billings Method. In it, they describe how every woman can easily chart and make decisions about her own fertility.

I know some women who can feel the moment they ovulate, like a pinch in their ovaries. Most women experience a surge in libido during this time—that is, unless they are on the birth control pill.

The Billings Method involves observing vaginal secretions which vary throughout the month. They vary for a reason: at times they indicate fertility.

I have used the method successfully for nearly two decades. It is taught for free all over the world, especially in developing countries where women cannot afford pharmaceutical contraception (Sound familiar?).

When I was living in Bali, Indonesia, Robin Lim, an internationally-known midwife and health advocate (she was named CNN’s 2011 Hero of the Year) was instructing local women in how to use it. The process is quite simple and the method has a rate of success from 95-100%, depending on which studies you look at. The most common number I have seen is 98%.

The Pill is considered about the same.

For me, it has been immensely empowering to be able to chart my own fertility. To tune into the rhythms of my body and honor them.

Hormonal birth control/the birth control pill is deemed to be a Group 1 carcinogen by the WHO. This puts it in the same class as asbestos and radium.

Why is anyone fighting to put that in their bodies?

Young women who have not had children yet—like students—are at an increased risk for hormonally-induced cancer. A Mayo Clinic study has shown that women have a 50% increased risk of getting breast cancer if taking oral contraceptives four years or more before having children.

Swedish oncologist, Hakan Olsson found that before age 20, women increase their breast cancer risk by 1000%.

Breast tissue is particularly susceptible to multiplication before it stabilizes after childbirth.

In my coaching practice, I have seen The Pill wreak havoc on women’s moods and libido. My personal view on why so many women experience infertility issues is because they have been on The Pill for 10, 15 or 20 years before they decide to become pregnant. They are in hormonal disarray and likely so weighed down by the toxic burden that their bodies will not let them conceive in such a mutated environment.

Women: Take control of your own body.

Men: Support women to take control. You can do it with them. You can research the method and suggest it to current and new partners. Go to a Billings tutorial together.

Natural birth control is free, empowering and it will allow women to keep their body parts.

I’m all for that.

The book is written and the method is taught in a completely secular way: there is no religious overtone at all. It comes from a biological perspective.

If you are interested, check out some of the online resources available:

www.billingsmethod.com/

I’ve also written about it here:

What is the Sexiest, Easiest and Safest Form of Birth Control?

~ Kim
xx