Are you ready for sex?
In our sexually post-modern, uber-liberated (but how liberated, really?) culture, things move fast.
We dive headfirst into sexual relationships, throwing caution (and sometimes condoms) to the wind.
Boy meets girl, boy and girl have sex within one to three dates.
The problem is, that many people get caught up in outer expectations of what dating, courtship and sex ought to look like.
Instead of listening to themselves and their bodies, they act according to some other measure of readiness.
Are you listening to yourself? Or are you being influenced by something or someone else?
Here’s how to tell:
1) Is sexual bravado replacing genuine desire?
We often have ideas of how we want to look as amazing lovers. We have certain moves, we think of a movie-style, clothes-shredding pace.
Is this truly how you feel in the moment? Are your actions a true reflection of what you want right now, rather than you getting caught up in how your performance looks? Or how you think you should look?
If you aren’t sure, slow down, pause and check in with yourself. You can also:
2) Ask your genitals.
Are you wet or hard?
This is usually a good cue. I’d say if you are not wet or hard, then you have your answer: slow down. Build up more.
On the other hand, just because your genitals are ready isn’t always a sign that you ought to move forward immediately.
Sometimes our genitals can get out of sync. Excessive porn use and porn-fueled masturbation can do that. There can be a skew between reality and fantasy.
Your genitals may need to be recalibrated before they give you truthful readings.
Even if your genitals are uber-responsive, delaying gratification and extending the build up is fun. Because:
3) The wetter the better.
As you know, I forbid the use of vaginal lubricant. (Except for anal play: lube away).
If a woman isn’t wet from within, she isn’t ready.
If she is so wet that her thighs are slick, then she’s ready.
Your chances of an overall sexually positive experience are much higher if the woman is absolutely, positively dripping. Before penetration.
Even if during the act the woman loses internal lubrication, it’s not a sign to grab a bottle of lube.
It’s a sign that somewhere, somehow, she’s become disconnected. Back up and see whether the source is physical or emotional. Sort through it and/or rev up her body until she begins flowing again.
4) Are your emotions in sync with your body?
We live in a culture that separates the heart and the genitals. While it’s possible to have sex devoid of any emotional connection, I’d argue that it’s not generally the best sex.
Again, this applies to both dating and committed couples. If your heart’s not in it, chances are that your genitals are less in it as well.
A 30-something male friend of mine had just come out of a long-term relationship. He was dating several women, and pretty excited to be “playing the field” and catching up on all the “action” he’d missed out on.
He came to me with a dire problem.
“I’ve been experiencing ED (erectile dysfunction). I’ve never had this before in my life!”
“Tell me more,” I said.
“Well,” he began, “with the one woman, the one I really like, there’s no problem. But with these other ones, I don’t know what the deal is. I can’t get it up.”
“So let me get this straight,” I said. “With the woman who you feel emotionally attached to, you can totally maintain your erection. But with the women you don’t really care about, you are having trouble?”
“Yes! Exactly! What’s wrong with me? Can you help?”
Sometimes our emotions need a chance to catch up to our genitals. Give them that chance.
If you don’t, you’ll create even more blocks in the relationship, and in yourself, that eventually will have to be cleared.
As in the case with my friend, when your genitals speak the truth, listen. Don’t force them to do things you don’t actually want them to do.
The best relationships—between you and your genitals and you and your lover—are borne out of honesty, respect and listening.
They are also rife with sexual tension.
We’ll talk about that next week: the lost art of building sexual tension.