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How to Build Sexual Tension

It’s a lost art.

And a highly underrated one.  

Having gourmet, rather than junk-food sex, and being well-f**ked, reaches so much further beyond the act of intercourse.

There is mindf**king. Emotional penetration. There is extended foreplay that reduces you to nothing but a shaking mass of viscera, begging to be entered.

Or to enter.

This is the point at which physical penetration ought to take place.

Not before.

This idea of expanding the sexual build-up applies equally to couples in a committed, long-term relationship, as it does to singles dating, pre-sex.

The lead-up to every sexual encounter ought to have its own narrative structure: exposition, rising action, climax, falling action, and dénouement.

In other words: between-play, foreplay, hours-long orgasm, afterplay, continued simmer.

None of these ought to be skipped.

In Tantra, we talk a lot about expanding the moment of orgasm. Instead of orgasm being a few moments of intense, pelvic contractions, we aim for orgasms that lasts for hours.

The feelings of bliss, the pulsing and throbbing, the hunger you feel, can go on for hours and days. In fact, it never really has to stop. It may ebb and flow, but it doesn’t have to disappear.

Think of foreplay, between-play and simmer in the same way: they ought to go on for a long, long time. They never really have to stop, either.

As much as I recommend frequent sex, I often say that one three-hour sex date once a week is better than six quickies throughout the week.

Especially when the physical sex is preceded by plenty of other sex.


1) Mental penetration.

If you are getting plenty of mental penetration, you’ll be open to physical penetration. Or to penetrating.

I’m brought to my knees by witty banter. By intelligence.

When I witness the brilliance and uber-competence in my partner, my legs simply part. They can’t help themselves.

This might be in his work, his spiritual musings on life, his ability to take charge in life.

Intellectual swordplay—seeing your partner in their element in some way, exuding their strengths, is hot. Whether they are sparring with you or the world, it’s a pleasure to behold.

2) Emotional exposure.

Any unfinished business in your space will interfere with the clear flow of sexual energy.

Those sticky, uncomfortable issues that you’ve been avoiding?

Go there. They need to be talked about.

Even if it might seem clunky and awkward at first, keep going until you feel a shift happen.

I can’t tell you how much phenomenal sex I’ve had after having “space-clearing” conversations.

The best.

3) Sexual affection.

A “perfunctory kiss,” i.e. a quick peck on the mouth, is not sexual affection.

I’m talking about a stealth butt or bulge grab, pinning your lover up against a wall, spreading legs open, and ravaging them.

Then walking away.

It need only last a few minutes. Or seconds.

You want to keep the sexual energy flowing between you all of the time. That doesn’t mean you have to have sex every time you rev your engines. The whole point is to rev your engines and keep them hot. Or at least warm.

You ought to have some kind of flirty, sexy touch and innuendo going on every day.

This could be via text or email, or a gaze across the room that’s held waaaayyyy too long, followed by a sly smile. A squeeze on the thigh that turns into fingers dancing along inner thighs.

If it makes your heart skip a beat and brings blood to your groin, you’re on the right track.

Before you physically come together, you ought to feel close in all these ways before you lay a finger on each other.

In fact, if you truly want to “come together,” it’s the only way you can.


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4 thoughts on “How to Build Sexual Tension

  1. The author must have no kids; she mentions 3 continuous hours of sex to get to the fulfillment we’re all in search of! someone let me know how this is even possible when no sitter is in the picture whatsoever. Its no wonder the average adult with kids at home has some sort of sexual /orgasm/fulfillment issues………

    1. Excuses, excuses.

      I do have a child.

      And I still made time for sex. Whether it’s getting a hotel room, arranging childcare or simply getting up 30 minutes earlier in the morning for at least a shorter session, it’s all possible.

      If you are committed.

    2. When my kids were little I made time when they were sleeping. As they got older we tell them we need to be alone for an hour or so. Go occupy yourself with a video or game.

  2. I just want you to know that, as a man in love with a woman who has been regularly moved by your blogs, I cannot thank you enough for what your writing has done for her in particular,
    and for your contribution to the magic that has welled up between she and I.
    She loves sex and we love sex and love each other — we find it an ever increasingly incredible source of grounding and newness between us.
    And if I thank you so profusely for her, I also only reasonably assume that your writing and the rest of your work is effecting others profoundly as well. So thank you so much for the work you do.

    If I have any wisdom worth trusting, this world has the shallows well covered but is desperately in need of both the primal and the sacred . Thank you for weaving these as you do. I have rarely seen a balance of heart body and mind so beautifully advocated.