The longest foreplay I have ever had is three days.
I was on my legendary six day sex date; the one that inspired me to do weeklong residential retreats with couples.
And we spent the first three days without having sex.
There were hours and nights of nakedness and massaging and teasing—everything but penetration.
The first couple of days we barely touched each other’s genitals.
When we did have sex, it lasted for hours and hours and days and nights.
That experience still ranks as some of the best sex of my life.
In Tantra, we talk about expanded sex acts.
How long can you make it last?
How good can you take it?
What’s it like to live in a perpetual state of bliss?
Slowing down and prolonging your foreplay not only primes you for marathon sex and the deeper orgasmic experiences, but afterward you feel even higher, ecstatic, transformed and like you’ve been reborn.
You are tapping into the rejuvenating, transforming power of your sexual energy.
The more you treat foreplay like its own sex act and endgame, the deeper your sexual experiences will be.
The name of the game is OPENING.
Emotionally, mentally, physically.
Foreplay is everything we do to open you up.
The secret to the deepest, most powerful gourmet sex I speak of and teach people to have, is being truly open, present, vulnerable and surrendered.
It’s the only game in town.
There is even a story in ancient texts about the ultimate battle for lovers: to make the other come first.
Your job is to tantalize, tease, stimulate them so they live in a perpetual state of arousal.
Yes, this is possible.
1 Radical honesty.
Lies make my vagina dry.
I like to fuck brave men. Cowards are a turn off.
Lying is cowardly.
Own who you are. Even your weaknesses. Own them. Share about them. Dare to be vulnerable, with your shadow parts.
You know how when you have a big air-clearing conversation with your partner, and in the middle of it, you find you can’t keep your hands off each other?
Suddenly clothes are off and the conversation is now taking place with your hands and your lips and your vagina and your cock.
Imagine living like this, with this level of transparency? And how epic the sex is.
Telling the truth is the best lubrication and Viagra going.
2 Exercise together.
I always tell my partners to go for a work out and then come to me.
I love them all sweaty and pheremone-y and testosterone-d right the fuck up.
What’s even better is doing it together. You get to watch them in all their epic, warrior glory: Strong, capable, confident.
Whether it’s going surfing or lifting weights together, it’s arousing to see your partner in action, taking on the world.
Plus, all of the feel-good hormones and neurotransmitters you naturally generate are like an hour of foreplay already!
3 Not fantasizing.
Yup. I said it.
Keep your focus on each other and in the moment.
The second you drift off into a porn scene you jerk off to, or another person, you dissociate.
You leave your body.
And you leave the person you’re with.
They’ll feel it, the vacancy, the void, even if they can’t pinpoint what’s happening.
And the whole quality of your sex and even your ability to get aroused will be compromised, and perpetually dependent on wilder fantasies.
Instead, ask for what you want here and now.
You can use the following techniques to keep you present:
4 Synchronize your breathing.
Wanna get high? Have more sex.
One of the fastest ways to alter your state of consciousness, that is totally free and that can be done within your own body, is through having gourmet sex.
Your sexual energy is your creative, life-force power.
When you learn how to tune into and harness this energy, you create full-body orgasms, transcendent bliss and step into other dimensions of awareness.
There are number of techniques for doing this, and one of them is conscious breathing.
Lie or sit next to each other and sync up your breathing.
Aim for a long, steady deep breath and a 4-count inhale and a 4-count exhale.
Do this for at least 3-5 minutes, and longer if you like.
This will harmonize your energies, and bring you present into the now, and into each other, shutting off your mind and the distractions of the world.
While you are doing this deep breathing, also be:
5 Eye gazing.
Stare into each other’s eyes for the whole time you are breathing together.
You’ll drop your facades fast.
It’s amazing how hard this can be for people, even people who have been living and sleeping and raising children together for decades.
The windows to the soul.
This is a shortcut to that deep soul connection.
Do this for 3-5 minutes as well.
Whenever I do this practice in a group, and I have couples breathe together and eye gaze, the whole room changes.
You can feel the sensuousness rise and get the feeling that some clothes are going to be ripped off real soon.
6 Full-body massage.
So do it! Rip off those clothes!
Sensual and therapeutic massage has multiple benefits:
- Relaxes you and releases tension
- Opens you and makes you pliable and soft
- Gets you out of your mind and into your body
- Open and stimulates energy meridians that aid in arousal
- Reverently touching every part of your lover makes them feel seen and adored
- This is a great way to create a container of “holding” them so they feel safe to surrender and let go.
Even if you do a 15-minutes back massage, although ideally you spend more like 45-60 minutes on one person, the back holds so much tension, that you’ll help them to open.
You can then move to their legs and inner thighs, and buttocks.
The key is to circle and tease their erogenous zones for a while before you even go into them.
Make them hungry for you.
What fires me up and produces puddles of gushing wetness in me are:
His courage. His boldness. His desire to grow and better himself. His willingness to take a stand for truth.
All this can be summed up in one word: integrity.
I remember posting an Instagram axiom “The sexiest thing a man can do is exactly what he says he’s going to do”.
Gets us wet, all the time.
The underlying message of keeping your word is:
“If you fall, I will catch you.”
“I am worthy of your trust and surrender.”
Everything you do that constantly reinforces that you are a man of your word, by keeping your word, is helping to open her heart and vagina.
I go into this in more detail in my podcast episode: “Women’s Biggest Turn-Ons”.
8. Trusting him. Surrender.
One of my favourite quotes is by Sister Corita:
“Find a place you trust and try trusting it for a while.”
As a woman, one of the ways you can truly turn on your man and evoke the best and highest in him, is by trusting him.
When a woman abandons herself and her protests and her walls and her shields—drops it all, and opens—heart and vagina—to her partner, there is truly nothing more spectacular or arousing than this for a man.
She’s WIIIIDDDDEEEEE open. Insatiable. Available.
Like the infinite and divine itself.
And he wants to ravish it.
Nothing turns him on more than this: the archetypal feminine energy of receptivity, openness, love, surrender.
I go more fully into these ideas in my podcast episode “Men’s Biggest Turn On”, which I highly recommend you listen to.
Love the fuck out of each other.
And then fuck the shit out of each other.
Every day, tell them what you love, appreciate and admire about them. Make it a daily habit.
Your duty is to love up your partner so much and so hard that they remember who they are.
SEEING and being seen is the biggest turn on there is.
So let them know that you see how epic, amazing and powerful they are in their world and in yours.
And watch how they open to you, heart and legs.
This obviously isn’t your typical list of: “spend five minutes on her nipples” and then “have some cursory oral sex” and then “go for it!”
Foreplay is an art.
You can seduce and prime your partner so well, so thoroughly, that before you even lay a finger on them, you have fucked them into oblivion.
They’ll be wet or hard before you even touch them.
And that’s the way it ought to be.
Every single thing you do to—and for—your lover is an act of foreplay that draws you closer, deeper and leads to the most cataclysmic, life-changing sex and orgasms.
Or, everything you do creates distance and builds bricks in a growing wall between you.
ALL is written on the canvas of your relationship, and shows up in your bodies, your genitals and your bed.
Every word, every gesture, every thought, every touch.
Elevates or diminishes. Arouses or makes you cold.
And it starts way before you get into bed.
That’s the ultimate foreplay.
In my 10-week signature program for couples, the Coming Together Salon, you’ll find techniques for communication, in-depth foreplay of the physical and non-physical kind, my complete Orgasmapedia, how to last longer and build marathon stamina for men, and Tantric and Taoist sexual secrets.
You can signup and find the free preview video series for the Coming Together for Couples Salon.