Men’s Biggest Turn On
What is most arousing to men?
What turns them on, mind and body?
I can answer that in one word.
When we talk about archetypes of masculine and feminine energy—which we both have—we describe the masculine as strong, assertive, driven, taking action.
The feminine is its counterpart: softer, receptive, flowing, open.
It’s the essence of surrender.
In many spiritual paths, there is an idea that the woman leads the man home to God.
This is because, as the embodiment of feminine energy, she knows the path and the way.
This is her nature.
I often talk about the parallels between sex and spirituality.
They are both about opening up to something greater than ourselves, daring to surrender, to let someone in.
To let our little selves and our egos, our fears be obliterated, and to allow in deep love.
When a woman, abandons herself and her protests and her walls and her shields—drops it all, and opens, heart and vagina—to her partner, there is truly nothing more spectacular than this.
And in doing so, she lights the way home.
Via her vagina.
In that alchemical cauldron, the gateway between life and death, she takes him in and spits him out, reborn.
La petite mort.
The little death and rebirth.
The sexiest thing for the animal and spiritual man, is his woman, in the throes of ecstasy and bliss.
She’s WIIIIDDDDEEEEE open.
Like the infinite and divine itself.
Learn more in today’s podcast and find out why this is the biggest turn on for men.
Or download and listen on the go:
Men’s Biggest Turn-On
A couple of weeks ago, I put out an episode called Women’s Biggest Turn-On and now it’s time to reciprocate, like all good lovers do. What is most arousing to men? What turns them on mind and body?
I can answer that in one word—surrender. When we talk about archetypes of masculine and feminine energy, which we both have, we describe the masculine as strong, assertive, driven, taking action. And the feminine, its counterpart, is soft and receptive and flowing and open. This is the essence of surrender.
In many spiritual paths, there’s this idea that the woman leads the man home to God. This is because as the embodiment of feminine energy, she knows the path and the way. This is her nature.
I often talk about the parallels between sex and spirituality. They are both about opening up to something greater than ourselves, daring to surrender and to let someone in. To let our little selves and our egos and our fears be obliterated and to allow in deep love and cock.
When a woman abandons herself and her walls and her shields, her defenses, she drops it all and she opens heart and vagina to her partner. There is nothing more spectacular than this. In doing so, she lights the way home via her vagina. In that alchemical cauldron, the gateway between life and death, she takes him in and spits him out reborn, la petit mort, the little death and rebirth.
The sexiest thing for the animal and the spiritual man is his woman in the throes of ecstasy and bliss. She is wide open, insatiable, available, like the divine and the infinite itself. Through her ultimate surrender and abandon, she ignites his fire. She opens into the void, she invites him in, and within this, he can simultaneously let go of himself and find himself.
In that place where she gives him the gift of her utter openness and vulnerability, where she has completely let go, something in him responds viscerally. He rises up in this masculine energy to honor and to protect and to serve. It’s the call of the masculine, which is ignited by the openness of the feminine. This is the ultimate balancer for him. This is where he finds his strength and his purpose and his renewal.
Whether he consciously knows all of that or not, I can’t say. He may just think that he’s responding to this woman who has fully given herself to him, and yet she remains intact and autonomous. She can bravely go into all of these deep and life-changing places, the abyss, and then bring them both back more alive than they were before.
That is the most attractive thing that his entire being has ever seen or experienced and he will do anything now to be in service to that.
I might sound like I’m speaking in kind of vague and flowery metaphors, but I guess what I’m trying to describe is this place of the holy fuck. This is the territory of the holy fuck, where you dive into these—and in women, this usually corresponds to the vaginal orgasms, G-Spot orgasms, cervical orgasms, that are characterized by this incredible level of surrender and opening and letting go. That is the price of admission. That is how you get there.
That’s why it can be a very complex thing and something that usually escapes like internet article definitions of say, How to Get a Cervical Orgasm. Most people have no idea and they think that technique is going to bring them to the promised land and it really isn’t. It’s really very little about technique and very much about this process of opening and surrender. So much so that I have entire programs devoted to it, like The Well-F**ked Woman, Coming Together for Couples. All of my salons, really, are devoted to this idea of how do we truly release and let go and surrender and that is the path to orgasm and it’s certainly the path to the deeper vaginal orgasms in women and the more transcendent orgasms in men. It’s all about the degree to which you let go.
Then I’m saying that the essence of this is what really feeds and nourishes the man.
In his world of being active and out there and slogging away, to come to the feminine and experience this true openness and surrender and complete availability on her part is just nourishment and soul food for him. This is what resurrects him.
He can come there and let down his guard and this is his sanctuary, as well as hers, and he is fed by this ultimate yin. Like what we really need to balance each other out is a deep experience of our opposites. Yin balances yang and vice versa. This is what really feeds us.
One of the fastest ways to open a man, to help him ground in his masculinity, his strength and his purpose is to trust him. Show and prove to him that you trust him, and you can do this through the openness of your vagina and the openness of your heart. When both are open and radiant and juicy, this is what really lights him on fire. Your vagina shows its openness through your wetness, your receptivity to his touch and advances and your perpetual sexual availability to him.
This is what I talk about a lot, this level of openness, that you’re constantly open. You’re not shutting down advances. You’re not shutting down energy because it’s a certain time or you’re in a certain headspace. You’re really always open. This is existing and living at the level of the holy fuck.
Your deep and your wild, cataclysmic orgasms are soul food for him. Your heart shows its openness and how you trust him in your day-to-day life. This looks like you giving him space to take the reins in your lives. To make decisions and plans, to look after things without you constantly looking over his shoulder to make sure that he did it right. You let him lead. You let him embody his masculine and that nurtures your feminine and this trust that you give him nourishes and relaxes him.
This reinforces his role as being capable, as being able to look after his partner. It’s primal and deep and despite the social construct being put out there these days to try and negate it, it is undeniable. Just ask your genitals. As a woman, when you constantly show your man that you don’t trust him by second-guessing his decisions and questioning his direction, you undermine his confidence and his essence as a man and so guess what happens to his self-worth and his erection? Both of them shrink.
Guess what happens to his desire to serve you and embody this strength and presence with you, they shrivel up. They go soft. This lack of trust often devolves into little jabs and criticisms of the things that he does do. “Did you really choose that restaurant for us to eat at? Why are you wearing that? What is not how I asked you to cut the vegetables.” Which we would otherwise call the ballad of the under-fucked woman. These are the cries of a woman who is not getting properly fucked. [Laughs]
If you listened to the Women’s Biggest Turn-On podcast that I did a couple of weeks ago, you’ll see how this is a vicious circle. She doesn’t trust him and so he pulls back and stops leading. He doesn’t lead and penetrate her sexually and energetically and so she’s under-fucked and unhappy. She’s going to make him pay for it through constant badgering, otherwise known as nagging, otherwise known as what an under-fucked and under-penetrated and not-in-trust woman sounds like. He and his erection withdraw even further.
What do we do? As a woman, your inner work, both heart and vagina, is to develop your trust and surrender muscle. Your opening.
How much do you allow yourself to be open and penetrated by life? Do you trust life to bring you good things? Do you trust yourself in your decision making? Do you trust your partner to catch you when you fall? Do you trust yourself to catch you when you fall?
All of the practices you cultivate to be able to live with a more open heart and receptive vagina are the biggest turn-on that you can cultivate in yourself and in how a man or more masculine person responds to you.
Because a woman who is inhabiting her well-fucked bliss and radiating pleasure, is incredibly attractive. A woman who owns herself and everything she is, especially her true, authentic, sexually-voracious nature is wildly attractive. This is such a turn-on when a woman truly allows herself to be in her own body, in her own sexuality, in her desire for him.
I remember when I first saw this very clearly years ago and I was seeing someone fairly new in the relationship and I made this decision, or rather, it just came over me to really open myself and to trust this person. And I knew that I could catch myself if I fell and that was really what mattered, right? It’s like I made the kind of risk the leap to trust this person.
And what happened is that he responded in this very deep, visceral way and so I let him see how cracked open I was. I let him see my vulnerability. I let him see how hungry that I was for him. I just fully, cataclysmically opened and he rose up to the occasion. So, something was activated in him where he stepped into this stronger, more confident and whole place in himself and he desired to be of service to me.
I created a space and he stepped in to fill it. And many women or feminine partners don’t allow a new space to exist. They take over every detail of their lives so that they don’t have to let go of control and this would be in their outer lives and sexually as well. Like often the refrain that we hear from women who don’t experience any kind of orgasm, let alone deeper, vaginal orgasms, is that they are unable to let go of control. They have a really hard time letting go of control. That is the mantra. [Laughs]
When a woman is in the space of taking over every detail and micromanaging everything and really becoming what is this cliché of a nag, is not only is this exhausting for the feminine, but it aggravates the masculine. He becomes frustrated and angry and not even sure why. He feels that every action of his is being nitpicked and criticized and at this stage, men typically withdraw. Instead of fighting, they just stop fighting. They get very cantankerous, passive-aggressively or outright aggressively or really, they just get passive. They get quiet and instead of putting forward their ideas and being assertive and saying what they want, they just be quiet. They’d rather just go, “Yes, dear, whatever you say, dear.”
Then this then becomes even worse. Like the woman feels triggered by the lack of action or his passive aggression and she gets more angry and it just goes on and on and on. This turns into a constant battlefield between the couple.
What to do instead? There’s a beautiful quote by Sister Corita that I love and it’s from—I think it’s called The Immaculate Heart Art School. It’s this art school, this thing, this quote that I found years ago that always stuck with me. She says,
“Find a place you trust and try trusting it for a while.” I love this quote and idea.
Trust is a choice. Trust is a thing that frees you up not to worry about things and the beautiful thing about trust and living in this place is that it brings out the best in your world and in people. You speak to the highest parts in them and they begin to occupy these places.
I know that some people would say, “Well, there are those people who just aren’t meant to be trusted.” Fair enough, I get that. If all the signs are there and you’ve given too many chances, then there’s a time and a place to withdraw trust. But really question whether you’re living in love or fear. Are you making choices to protect yourself and barricade against any chance of being hurt, seeing all that could go wrong, or are you focused on the highest possible outcome?
Wherever you put your attention and your focus is what is most likely to manifest. Every moment in our lives has the power to rebirth a new future, a new direction, and a new level of love. Choosing trust and love and openness puts you in line for the most amazing gifts that spirit can bring you.
In the sexual realm, when we’re interacting with our partner, the more that we’re existing in this open, trusting place, we just free up all of our energy. It takes a lot of energy to stay defended. It takes a lot of energy to stay in defense than it does to really open up into love.
Like I said, if you have enough rigor and resilience within yourself, if you fall, you can catch yourself. It’s not the end of the world. As long as you have a certain faith in your own ability to catch yourself, you have an overall trust in life, it’s worth taking the chance in a person that you can open yourself to them.
The point that I’m making is that when you do that and you open yourself, something clicks. Something shifts. And when the other person, in this case we’re talking male/female, when the male feels that openness happen in the woman, like really feels it on this deep, authentic level, that ignites something in him and then you’re off to the races. That’s the power space that I’m really trying to focus on here.
I know that we’re in a time and an era right now where people are living in a state of fear and I do my best—and I really have, honestly for the last 30 years—to avoid a lot of mainstream chatter. I don’t watch television, I don’t watch the news, I’m very selective about the things that come into my consciousness. I need to know enough information to function in the world, but I really avoid jumping down deep mainstream rabbit holes of narratives.
This is how I maintain my own levels of consciousness and vibration. I believe that I create my own reality and I do my best to make that happen where I’m not ascribing to other people’s definitions of that.
There’s all kinds of stories out there these days and I tend to pick the ones that allow me the most freedom and independence and autonomy and that’s how I live my life.
The Coming Together Salon is coming soon.
This is Coming Together for Couples.
Are you coming?
This is my 10-week online salon to fuck yourselves into enlightenment. All of my spiritual and sexual tools to remove your blocks as a couple and take you to the promised land of transcendent, lifechanging sex, where your relationship becomes both your power source and your sanctuary.
Come one, come all.
Thank you so much for listening. If you haven’t already, subscribe and also leave a review and send someone else the gift of a healthy libido and an off-the-chart love life by sharing this episode with them. We’ll be back next week and, in the meantime, many happy orgasms.