THE WELL-F**KED MAN FULL TRANSCRIPT
I have spoken about the Well-F**ked Woman in my work for over a decade.
It’s a concept that I first started talking about even years before I used it in my work, to describe the effects—the visible, tangible effects—of a person in tune with and inhabiting their sexual energy.
The idea is, that’s it’s so obvious, that it’s noticeable to others.
Women radiate and glow. They move differently, the speak differently.
They dress differently.
They emit a brilliance that is so so palpable and attractive, that men will leap across streets to get close to it.
They will get on planes just to be near it.
This is the essence of the well-fucked woman.
She is wearing her sexual energy and embodying it.
The same thing happens to men.
When he is well-f**ked, when he is occupying his full masculine and sexual self, he changes.
His body changes. His face changes.
His cock changes.
And all of those changes reverberate out from him into every area of his life.
Of course, his intimate relationship improves dramatically.
He can have sex for hours, he can come—or not—when he wants to.
He is giving his woman multiple, vaginal, life-changing orgasms.
And throat-gasms. And anal-gasms.
He sees the changes in his work and business, his finances—the opportunities that magically seem to come to him without effort (especially after an epic sex date).
He see the differences in himself as a more patient and loving father.
A more supportive and compassionate friend.
HE is the well-f**ked man, to his well-f**ked woman.
He becomes the man he was always meant to be.
KIM: Welcome, Mark. It’s great to have you here!
MARK: Thanks, Kim. It’s great to be here with you.
KIM: You have come into this work via your lovely wife Amanda, who was taking my salons. She then manifested these beautiful changes in herself that really became the catalyst for you to want to embark on this work with her. Tell us a little bit about how that unfolded for you.
MARK: That’s absolutely correct. My lovely wife Mandy was the one that introduced me to your program. When she first came across the work, which was some years ago, she was very keen to partake but knew that I’m a bit of a tight-ass, so she sort of wasn’t comfortable bringing it to me.
About two years ago, she finally said, “I’ve got to do this work. I’ve been looking at Kim Anami’s work; it looks amazing, and I’ve got to do it.” I agreed. We love each other very much, so I wasn’t about to deny her what she really wanted to do. I said, “You do the work. I 100% support you, but there’s just no way I’ve got the time to do it. We’ve got businesses running internationally; we’ve got—”
KIM: “You go learn how to give better blow jobs. I will support that process, but I’m pretty busy beyond that.”
MARK: She showed me some of your podcasts and I said, “I can accept you doing that course, [laughs] but honestly, I’ll just be the receiver on all of this. I’m too busy. But I really support you doing it.” That was my approach.
About four or five weeks into your course, I was seeing these revolutionary and evolutionary changes, mostly in her approach to herself. Obviously, I was on the receiving end of a lot of benefits of your work. But ultimately, just what was happening for her, who she was becoming, her changes in thought processes, her ability to adapt in our family, in our business, and things like that were just amazing.
She’d already said, “It would be great if you could do the work at some point or maybe have a look at Kim’s work.” I think at week five, I signed up for Sexual Mastery for Men. I came to her and said, “How can I not do the work? I’m looking at you. I’m looking at what’s happening from just one of us doing the work.” So I signed up, and in terms of turning my wife on or making her even more voracious, that was one of the best things I could’ve done. That wasn’t necessarily one of my desired outcomes, but it was a pretty good one. That was how I came about your work.
There were obviously amazing changes in Mandy, so that’s why I signed up. I was obviously not aware of what I was in for, in terms of signing up for the course and really what it was going to do for me or for us, for our family and our businesses.
It was not what I had expected.
KIM: What did you expect, and how is it different? Did you think there would just be some great tips on oral sex and then you realized, “Whoa! This actually encompasses my whole life and my whole growth”? Explain that.
MARK: That’s 100% it. Not seeing the work specifically on the female side of what Mandy was doing, I didn’t understand the content. So when I dived in, I thought it was going to be tips on cunnilingus, tips on all the things that I would like more [laughs]—more skills and more information on how to be a better lover and a better husband and things like that.
It is all of those things, but it’s also just so much more. Without giving the content away, I think your first salon is about cleaning the glass and keeping a very honest and transparent arrangement happening with your partner in all facets of your life. You walk away from that salon saying, “Yeah, okay, I’ve got a little bit of work to do there.” And then doing that work is phenomenally challenging; it’s phenomenally deep; and the changes that it creates are massive.
We had some stuff to clean off the glass that we weren’t even aware of, and doing all of that just lays that foundation for the next salon and then the next salon and then the next. Your integration weeks where you circulate back—you’ve just always got more work to do.
We have a really clear glass, Mandy and I, and it’s probably one of the most significant changes for us. There was nothing super dirty that needed to be cleaned. It was just radical honesty about everything. That opened her up.
My wife was already very open to things in our marriage, but being radically honest and seeing how raw that can make it for both parties at times was huge. But it’s a lot of work. You’ve got to commit.
KIM: Just to clarify for anyone who isn’t that familiar with my work; I use the metaphor of a clean slate of glass between two people. The more that you’re open and honest, the more that glass remains clear. But the more that you operate on a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy or have sins of omission or tell outright lies to each other, the more you have debris and junk and mud accumulate on the glass. Eventually that builds a wall.
A huge part of my work is encouraging people to really commit to and practice radical, open honesty. Yes, it is some work and retraining, especially if people aren’t used to that. We’ve been told this story culturally that it’s better to tell white lies, not rock the boat, just sweep that under the carpet and hope it’ll go away, but then the carpet becomes this giant mountain of unresolved issues.
The more people keep the glass clean and the communication open, the more that is a kind of foreplay, a precursor to arousal and sex, because that act of opening yourself, as you said, being raw, being vulnerable, and really revealing, is very, very sexy. It’s very arousing and often leads to the best cataclysmic sex and deepest orgasms because people are really letting themselves be seen, and to be seen by your partner in that very deep way is extremely powerful.
MARK: Yeah. Great explanation, and that’s exactly what happened as a result of all of that. It’s the level of depth and openness that Mandy and I achieved as a result of that honesty. As much as some of that honesty is hard, some of it’s actually a bit of fun and does also lead to other stuff. We’d never really talked with one another about what our sexual fantasies were. I kind of had a reasonably good idea of what hers were, and she assumed mine, but there are always dark spaces that you don’t talk about. Ultimately, doing the work, you get to talk about it and then say, “You know what? I’m open to that.”
I think in one of your podcasts you said—or maybe Mandy said it, “Anal sex doesn’t necessarily have to be for a birthday or oral sex doesn’t have to be a birthday treat. It can just be, you know what? It’s Tuesday night. I’ve got some blockages, and I remember we were talking about that other stuff you wanted to do. The kids are in bed early. Let’s do it.”
KIM: Explain that more. When you say, “I’ve got some blockages; let’s have anal sex,” what does that mean to you?
MARK: Where do I start? I think you used the phrase that we keep a lot of shit blocked up our asses, and I’m a fairly highly strung, tense guy. I work pretty hard, so yeah, I get pretty stressed. Mandy is this quintessential, feminine, beautiful woman, so there’s prim and there’s proper, and then there’s having shit go on in your life, which causes blockages and stresses. They happen mentally; sometimes they happen in your throat where you can’t speak, or they happen in your chest and you can’t talk to one another.
And we found through doing the work and opening up to the various different practices that anal sex at times can relieve a lot of pressure. Sometimes just getting fucked in the ass is something that needs to happen.
When you’ve got this open, honest relationship with one another and you can say to each other, “I think I need oral sex,” or “I think I need to be fucked in the ass; I’ve got this going on in my life,” that’s a beautiful thing, particularly when it’s with your partner, the person you love. And the shit works. You get fucked, and it’s so releasing. It relieves everything that is going on. It’s spot on. Then bang, you’re back on track, whatever it was.
KIM: The “sex is medicine” part of it—I say everything is written on the body. We carry stresses and issues and stuff; we wear it; it rests within us. Wim Hof calls it “the issues in our tissues,” and I always talk about how sex is this magical, transformative, rejuvenating way of taking that stuff and alchemizing it and changing it. The raw power of sexual energy, one of its gifts is to transform things, to rebirth us. To rebirth ourselves.
Using all sex acts consciously is the ideal I hold for people to look at their intimate lives. “Okay, I’m really stressed today. I think if your cock was going to go up my ass, that might help me to process some stuff.” [Laughs] That’s it. It’s a conscious application of using these acts and these energies between us.
MARK: Yeah. And certainly we weren’t in this space two years ago. I think we tried anal sex, and it just kind of wasn’t going to happen. We had a great sort of sexual relationship, and we were maybe not quite as open as we are now, but we were certainly open to doing lots of different things.
But the work has really opened Mandy and me up to really giving things a go. Maybe about six months ago, we planned this sex weekend. Between Mandy and I, we have six children, so getting time away for a weekend on our own is quite difficult, but we managed to do it. We’ve since had another sex weekend, so that’s been great as well.
But on that first sex weekend, Mandy said, “I really want to try and do deep throating. We’ve done a lot of oral sex, but we’ve never done deep throating.” I said, “Oh, okay, I’ve seen a bit of that, so yes, we’ll definitely—” She said, “No, no, no—we’re going to work at it.” And I said, “I’m hoping it’s not too much work, but yes, let’s give it a go.” [Laughs]
KIM: Oh, you’re so accommodating.
MARK: [Laughs] It wasn’t all bad. But that was something that we hadn’t done and now we do. I said before about how sometimes you might need it up the ass; sometimes you might need it in the throat. Mandy is just so intuitive. She said to me this morning, “We haven’t been having long enough sex dates.” We’ve certainly been having frequent enough sex dates, but we just haven’t been having long enough sex dates, so they’ve become a pattern. She said we need to do more of that, and we need to do more in the throat. I said, “Yep! Okay.” We need to make more time for that, and we do.
It is obviously amazingly good to be a guy that has a wife that comes to you and says, “I need more oral sex,” or “I need more longer sex dates,” but we’re both busy. You just really have to make the time, but the dividends are enormous. The rewards and the connection and what it does to the rest of your life are massive. Really massive.
KIM: I think she said she was working on some throat chakra, on expression issues, and there was a moment where you said something like, “Honey, I think you really need my dick in your throat.” You gave her that sexual prescription of some medicine that she might need.
MARK: Yeah. Sometimes it comes from her, and sometimes it comes from me, but obviously, from time to time, she’s got stuff going on. I think she was talking about struggling to talk to someone in our family about some conflict issues. I think we were at the dinner table, the kids were in bed, and I just said, “You probably need some cock in your throat. It needs to be deep, and maybe that will help.” Again, very accommodating.
And it sounds ridiculous, like you’re just doing it for the benefit of the oral sex, but it did clear what she needed clearing. Out of that came oral sex for me, and she said, “You know what? You were spot on. You were right.”
That intuition to continue to have oral sex—it’s actually intuition, not desire—comes from a clean glass. It comes from that honesty. It’s being open to all of those different things, which just sounds so simple, but honestly, the ability to put it all together; you just can’t do it on your own.
I would never have done the work in the way that we’ve done it without having someone to guide us, without having a program to follow. Which sounds weird, because it’s not just oral sex, and it’s not just 69-ing or cunnilingus. It’s the process, and you can’t get all those benefits with a two pump-and-dump situation. You can’t get to the end if that’s what you’re doing up front.
As a guy, you’ve got to go back and look at why you’re doing that so that you can stop and then start doing more of what you would like to be doing.
KIM: Yeah. It’s using these acts consciously. I think in my work, they’re not just a superfluous checklist of outrageous or porn-inspired actions, anal sex or deep throating or whatever; for me, it’s always about using them consciously to dislodge stuckness in our systems or to further clean that glass within us as individuals, or within the entire canvas of the relationship. That brings us closer together.
Let’s talk about that. As you are doing this internal work as a couple, when you’re working on your intimate connection, both emotionally, through glass clearing, and then sexually, through clearing debris and energy in your body, what happens in your outer life? How have you noticed differences in yourself as a man, as a businessperson, as a father?
MARK: Well, I am well left field of perfect in terms of making mistakes as a dad and in business. But I guess doing the work has highlighted for me that we’re going to make mistakes, and we’re going to be human all of the time. But learning from those mistakes and accepting and moving forward, and then growing from those mistakes and being better the next time around? That’s what happened for me.
As a dad, I’ve got an opportunity to do things differently for my younger children than I did with my older children. I’ve always worked very hard and had high-stress jobs, which has meant lots of different things for my children. That hasn’t changed in terms of my job, but the way I behave, the way I interact now with my kids and my family, as a father that’s done this work; it’s just completely different.
When I’m present, I’m far more present. I’m accepting of the fact that I have a limited amount of time that I get to spend at home with my family, with work being what it is. Hence, I’m 100% there. That’s come from radical honesty with my wife and my kids.
In terms of business, that’s a really hard one to explain. I don’t fully understand why. Mandy does. She’s far more in tune with this side of things, but opportunities have seemed to present themselves in our business life. You and I spoke earlier about how challenging things are right now in the world with everything that’s going on. It makes life more challenging. It makes travel, work, growing a business, growing a business overseas, harder and harder.
But what’s happened—and as I said, I don’t specifically understand why, other than trusting in the universe a little bit—is that opportunities have presented themselves in my business environment as a result of those challenges. Catastrophes have been spun on their head and presented massive opportunities.
I guess it’s the way you look at things. You get punched in the face at times and then you either fall down and don’t get back up or you say, “Wait a minute. What’s that trying to tell me? Do I need to be heading in that direction or should I be heading in another direction?”
I’ve got the same businesses operating today that I had two years ago, pre-2020, pre-2019; they’re just heading in a completely different, more positive direction, and they’re exciting. It’s still massive amounts of hard work; it’s still grinding and challenging every day, but the opportunities that have presented themselves—which I just could never have predicted—only come out of the fact that we’ve been doing our work. We’ve been trusting in each other, trusting in the universe, trusting in our partners, trusting in business, and trusting the right thing will happen, and that’s what’s happening.
KIM: You would attribute that additional strength, optimism, and perseverance to that stronger connection in your relationship with your partner?
MARK: Absolutely. Like I said, getting punched in the face time and time again in a business situation makes it very hard to stay positive and to just get up and keep going. My place of comfort, my place of surety is to come back to Mandy and talk about these challenges. We usually talk, and then we make love or we have sex or we fuck or whatever it is that needs to happen. We talk about what’s going on, good, bad, or indifferent, and then we—you use the word alchemize—we fuck on it, and it materializes in a different way. And if I’m not there or she’s not there, one of us is always there. We’ll bring each other to where we need to be.
KIM: One of you is holding the fort, so to speak, and if the other one gets a bit spun out or in a tizzy mentally, the other one can pull you back. In order to do that, the tether between you guys can never really be that far off. If you guys were really estranged, you wouldn’t be able to do that.
It means that you guys are doing the ongoing work to stay connected so that if one of you is starting to stray off course a little bit, you can just pull them back in; they’ll respond to the gesture, and you’ll recalibrate with each other.
MARK: Exactly. You verbalized it perfectly because usually it’s only one of us who is off-kilter, which is perfect, so the other one is in line and can drag the other person back. Sometimes it’s both of us. We’re both spinning out of control for whatever reason.
KIM: What do you do when it’s the two of you?
MARK: We tend to just have sex, but also what we will do is try and understand where one or the other of us is. Usually someone is deeper in a spin and then the other person just has to hold the space. “Okay, so for now, I’m just going to have to hold that space and bring Mandy back,” or she’s doing the same thing. To credit her, more often than not, it’s her holding that space and bringing me back. But we both do it for one another.
Yeah. That’s exactly what happens. And you’re right; without having done that work, Kim, you wouldn’t even know to do it. You’d resent your partner. You’d say, “Oh shit; you’re going on about all your work crap, and you’re fucking stressed all the time! I get it! Yeah, yeah, it’s stressful.” That would be your usual response if you’re under-fucked or if you’re not connected. It’s the same shit, but it’s just handled completely differently now.
KIM: What I’m hearing is that you guys really have the reframe that I try to convey to everybody, which is that your relationship is your power source. That is your place to go back to plug in and refuel. Whatever onslaught is happening in your work, your lives, the outer world, you come back to each other continually to replenish, to rebalance, to recenter, and then go back out into the world.
It sounds like you guys are living that, where you’ve trained yourselves to the point that when these things are happening, you know that instead of pulling away from your partner and going into an isolated, independent, survival state, you say, “No. We have more power together, and we know that we can harness the superpower of our connection to conquer anything, and we’ll do it faster at this quantum-leap speed.”
MARK: That’s exactly right. That’s exactly what we do. I definitely would pull away previously when I was stressed. Mandy would say, “What’s going on?” And I’d say, “I’m just stressed.” “Is it me?” “No, no, it’s just work.” And then you’d be on this island; it would last because the stress doesn’t go away, so it would just go on.
Now, it just doesn’t. We still fall into those patterns from time to time, which just highlights that I need to do more self-work or she needs to do more egg work or whatever it is. It might not be easy to come back together and make that connection because you want to isolate, you want to push them away, but we don’t. We choose not to, and it is ridiculous how quickly that energy then changes as a result of coming back together, even though you’re fighting it. You’re saying, “I just want to be over here in my man-space, being a dickhead. I don’t want to come back.” But you do it.
We come back together and—bang—it’s, “You’re right. I’ve just seen a clear way to get past all of that shit that was going on, and it’s from coming back together.”
KIM: #fuckspo. You know that hashtag #inspo or #inspiration? It’s #fuckspo; getting that divine connection reestablished within yourselves through each other and your genitals.
Mandy tells a great story about when you guys were experimenting with the idea of, “You’ve got a big business meeting; let’s give you some good sex, get some good loving up before this meeting, and see what happens.” What did happen? What was the difference when you did that specifically to prepare for your meeting?
MARK: It was probably one of those challenges that we were talking about before. Mandy said, “You’re stressed, and you’ve got so much going on. Let’s just…” We’ve got a little Harry Potter room at work that we store some stuff in, so we went into the room and she gave me oral sex. Work was going on, but the sex was amazing. We finished and came out, and I went straight into a Zoom meeting. It was an opportunity to take our manufacturing business overseas.
One of the opportunities that came out of that meeting was essentially to create another manufacturing plant in another part of the world, which would mitigate a lot of the changes that were going on with the world at the moment and bring us so much closer to our market for one of our products.
That literally came out of a session Mandy and I had. It was very enlightening.
KIM: What you’re saying is it greased the wheels of that meeting?
MARK: The meeting was about how we were going to deal with challenges we were facing. What came out of the meeting was how to elevate our business to a completely new level with what seemed like a ridiculous idea. If we had had this idea a month earlier, during everything that was going on, we would’ve said, “Are you crazy? That’s insane!”
Then we alchemized the love that we have for one another, took it to this meeting, and poof, “This is what we need to do.” Everyone said, “You know what? That’s probably going to work!” And I said, “Of course it’s going to work. That’s exactly what we need to do.” Yet an hour earlier, I was saying, “What are we going to do? What are we going to do?” So, yeah, it just created the ideas.
Can you hold on one second? One of my sons is just going to work.
[Saying goodbye in the background.]
That’s an interesting thing, Kim. Before I would probably not have stopped an interview for us or for work or anything, but the work has allowed me to do what’s right for me as a dad, for him as my son, for my wife. It’s given me a better sense of self.
KIM: Sounds like heart integration. Allowing an open heart and an open flow of energy to be boundless in you, rather than putting these arbitrary restrictions on, “I’m in a meeting. I’m in an interview. I can’t let this in.” “No, this is part of the beauty of my life, and of course I’m going to kiss my son goodbye for the day.”
MARK: Absolutely. Two years ago I would’ve said, “No, I’m in a meeting; it’s important.” When I saw other people do it, I’d even say, “That’s the right thing to do. That’s a beautiful thing to see.” Yet I was just still regimented and doing work.
The open heart that you’re referring to makes sense. We’ve done no other work. I’m always growing and learning, but we haven’t taken anything else on in our lives that I could really attribute these changes to.
We do the work; we do the self-pleasuring work; and we do all of this work every day to build stamina, to maintain self-connection, all of that sort of stuff. I can’t attribute these massive changes to anything else. While that moment was only small, it’s huge to me. I now know my son’s gone to school with a need fulfilled, and it’s a need my wife had as well.
In line with what your work’s about, if we’re not giving our partners what they need—and I mean all of it; you’ve really got to give all the time in all the ways that they need it—then you’re going to end up with a nagging, under-fucked wife.
KIM: Yeah. Let’s talk about that for a moment because there’s a phrase that I use in my work, the cliché, “Behind every good man is a woman.” I say, no, no, no. Actually, behind every good woman is a man on his knees, ferociously thrusting and giving her everything he’s got.
What do you notice when you’ve put in more of that energy and time to help transform your woman into a radiantly well-fucked being, and then how does that also change what she gives back to you?
Because you were saying before, when the woman is under-fucked, she’ll give you [laughs] that back. That nagging, complaining, even belittling and frustrated energy that a lot of men receive from women is often in direct correlation to how under-fucked a woman is. We talked earlier about the horrific stats around premature ejaculation; 75% of intercourse ends within three to five minutes because the man comes that quickly. In those situations, the woman will be under-fucked, and she will build a resentment against her partner that she might not even know is coming from that space.
When you are helping to cultivate that in your woman, what do you notice in her and then in what she gives back to you?
MARK: In my life, I have a connection with my wife, so that’s our business, that’s our home, that’s me as a dad. I’ve become the king. She is my queen, and she treats me like a king in every way. It’s not this perfect fairy tale life; we still have our challenges and our ups and downs.
But when we know that we’re coming together and doing the work, and when we know that she’s well-fucked and I’m well-fucked and we’re bringing that energy into everything that we do, I imagine it’s quite annoying for people around us to see how doting she is on me and vice versa. It’s a beautiful thing. It just takes you to levels that I never knew were possible.
And same for her. The respect and love I have for Mandy as my queen and as a mother means that we just keep wanting to do more of what we’re doing for one another.
In those darker moments where you’re stressed and something has happened with family or with work or in yourself, you’ve got this woman or the woman’s got this man that’s saying, “You’re my queen. I’m your king. What is it you need?” As far as my wife’s concerned, she knows what I need, and she just gives me what I need straight away.
I’m learning to do the same in return. I don’t think men are quite as intuitive, but I’m seeing what she needs, and she’s explaining with radical honesty, “When I feel like this, this is what I want you to do. What you did was perfect, but this is what I want you to do next time.” And I say, “Great, okay. I can do that.”
That’s kind of what happens as a result. I get to be the king, which I love, and she gets to be the queen, which she loves, and our kids see this all the time. They see us dancing in the kitchen, because Mandy needs it. She says to me, “You can never dance with me too much. Just grab me and dance with me anytime.”
If she initiates or I initiate, the kids see it, and they say, “It’s beautiful.” Sometimes they say, “Oh, it’s disgusting.” But they’re doing that because of social norms. It’s just bullshit. We’re fine if they do it once or twice because they’re having fun with it, but if they say, “Oh, that’s disgusting,” because we’re kissing passionately in the kitchen, then we’ll call them out on it. “Why is that disgusting? What would you prefer to see? Would you prefer to see Mom nagging Dad about the fact that he didn’t wash the dishes up properly or because he’s at the computer too much? Is that what you’d prefer to see?” “No, no.” “Okay, so it’s not really that disgusting, is it? It’s quite beautiful.” “Yeah, yeah.”
Those cultural norms get dictated upon little people, and then those little people grow up with those things; that’s why we end up having to do this work, I guess, because we get all this cultural conditioning, this bullshit around what it should be and what it shouldn’t be, when in actual fact, it should just be what you’re communicating it should be and what we’ve now been able to create.
We’ve always had a great relationship. But it is just leveling up. As high as our levels are right now, I still put us two or three inches off the ground. Because every time we think we’re somewhere, there’s just a new level to go to, which is the whole essence of learning. You’re never there.
KIM: I love that. There’s always another level to go. That’s the core of everything that I teach. As long as you’re still committed and you’re showing up and you’re doing this work/play, you keep hitting new levels. The only people who don’t grow, I always say, are those who are committed to stagnation. If you’re committed to staying in the same place, you won’t grow. But if you’re committed to growth, you’ll always keep hitting new levels of learning, of enlightenment, of joy.
I love that example with your children because you guys are setting that tone, and by osmosis, they will be picking up all of this modeling and these energies from you. Whatever ages they are, they’re still going to be taking in messaging, because that’s true; the only place they could get a negative message about seeing their parents being affectionate with each other would be from the outside world someplace. Because that’s not innate.
I love that you use those as openings for dispelling myths and misinformation and negative conditioning.
MARK: Yeah. My youngest is seven, and probably two years ago, wouldn’t have had an issue with my wife and I kissing passionately. Then as they journey through school, I’m with you, I don’t know where that messaging comes from because my kids go to a very integrative kind of earth-based school. There aren’t a lot of devices and things like that, and there aren’t in our house either.
I don’t know where that messaging comes, probably from other kids, unfortunately. Other kids from parents who are under-fucked. I’m not judging anyone or anything. But that’s possibly where it comes from, and that’s fucking sad.
Mandy and I have been there. Mandy has nagged me about stuff in the past before we’ve done the work and understood what’s going on, that our glass needed cleaning, all that sort of stuff. Like I said, I’m two or three inches off the ground. We’ve got a lot of work to do. But I use the work and play. I keep referring to the work. But my goodness, it’s pretty fucking good work.
KIM: Good work if you can get it, hey?
MARK: Come on! It’s unreal. We play a lot. Our balancing of the feminine and the masculine and that sort of stuff has resulted in a box of toys that I wouldn’t have imagined two years ago.
But as much as it’s sexual play and it happens in the bedroom, it completely materializes in what happens outside the bedroom. To be masculine and to be in control and all that sort of stuff in the bedroom and to have a partner that’s comfortable enough to be able to say, “I’m going to open myself up to this, whatever this is.” That could be getting fucked in the ass; it could be deep throating; it could be all of it. It could be dressing up. It could be me being submissive, her being more dominant.
It just pushes you so much further in the outside world. It makes you a better dad. It makes you a better husband; it makes you a better person at work. And of course, you’re not under-fucked, so that’s bringing out a whole other energy that you didn’t probably have before, either.
KIM: That was a great summary about what it is to be a well-fucked man. I talk all the time about the Well-F**ked Woman concept, but you’ve articulated the Well-F**ked Man. Is there anything else you would add to what it is to be a Well-F**ked Man?
MARK: It’s a confidence. It’s an ability to look at things when they don’t go the way you want them and know what you need to do to change that.
And it’s good to be able to rely on yourself. A lot of the work in Sexual Mastery for Men is about dealing with your own things that you need to do more of and become better at. It’s great to be able to rely on yourself, but it’s beautiful to have someone that you can then rely on.
If you’re single and doing this work, there’s so much stuff you can get out of it. You’ll learn to work with yourself. Even when you’re in a relationship—I’m still doing that. I’m still taking that work. I’m measuring my edges, taking myself further, and I’m loving myself. I’m being okay with me and everything about it.
But then I’m taking that into my partner and into work and into being a dad and a friend. It’s just different, and it’s just better. I’ve got a network of mates. I talk to some of them about the work that we do and they say, “There’s no way you’re doing that.” And I say, “Mate, absolutely it’s what we’re doing. Check this shit out.”
KIM: What do you mean, there’s no way that’s what you’re doing? What are they skeptical about?
MARK: Well, they’re skeptical about the fact that I could be sitting at a dinner table with my wife, talking about the challenges that she’s having, and saying, “You need my cock deep in your mouth.” I’m not being rude when I tell these stories to these guys; I’m just saying, this is the relationship that we have. They’re saying, “Man, did she just not talk to you for a week? Did she just tell you to get fucked? What did she do?” I say, “No, we went downstairs and sorted that shit out.” And they say, “Bullshit.” I say, “You’ve got to look at the work. You’ve got to look at this stuff. That’s exactly what happens.”
KIM: That is amazing. Do they ever come around? “Can I have that website?” Or do they just kind of leave it in the realm of fantasy, like they believe you but they really don’t?
MARK: I’ve sent it to a couple of them. I think one of my mates has picked it up, so I think it’ll be that sort of thing where one grabs it and then maybe the next. How I describe coming into your work is probably really similar to a lot of people. I wasn’t ready, you know what I mean? It’s just such a shame because I think there’s so much good to come out of doing the work and following this program, but you’ve kind of got to be ready. You’ve got to have some sort of catalyst.
For me, it was seeing the work impact on my wife for five weeks. Maybe I’m the exposure these guys need. Getting those stories, seeing them as being truth. But there was no way I could not partake in the work, having seen what it was doing to Mandy. And I’m guessing if these guys believe the stories, there’s no way they would not partake in the work.
KIM: Your situation with Amanda is such a great example because that is really the advice that I give to people. Exactly what went down with you and her. Let’s say somebody is interested in my work and they invite their partner and their partner says, “Enh, I don’t know about that.”
I say, “Okay. So you go and do the work, and usually what happens is then the changes start to become visible and tangible in you, and the other person then says, ‘What’s going on over there?’ You say, ‘Well, I’m just doing this work,’ and they say, ‘Can I see some of that work?’”
That’s the start of it. And let’s say they do bring it up to their partners, and their partners say, “Oh, whatever, he’s just trying to get more sex.” They just reduce it to some very basic cliché because they don’t really know what else is possible. So he does the work and begins showing up differently, and she feels that.
That’s typically what happens as long as people are somewhat open to each other. If they’re in a really, really closed off, estranged place, then perhaps not, but for the most part, that’s the way of it. It’s like this osmosis that happens, and people cannot help but notice and be drawn into it. “Well, why wouldn’t I want this? This is amazing. She’s brought this in, and she’s doing it. I can feel it. I see and feel the changes. I want more.”
MARK: Yeah. And that’s exactly what it was. You could see and feel the positive changes. And it’s not just the sex either. You can see the way your partner is handling different situations, and you’re saying, “These situations have been occurring for the 15 years that we’ve been married. They are now being handled differently in a five-week window. What? What the fuck?”
I think if you’re on a program of stagnation or you don’t want to move forward or you don’t want to grow with your partner, it is a bit scary. Particularly that stat you talked about with 75% of guys ejaculating in less than three minutes. That’s pretty scary. But then you just kind of have to lean into it, which is a lot of what you talk about. It’s leaning into those areas that don’t feel comfortable. You talk about the come fairy that comes and just whacks you on the knob. “That doesn’t exist, so what else do I do to fix this?”
If that’s your frame of mind, then you’re about to level up fucking hugely in terms of growing from that space. If you’re not, then you’re not. You’re going to stay where you are. But there’s a lot to be gained by doing the work.
KIM: I love it. It’s all so well expressed. Is there anything else that you’d like to add that we haven’t touched on that you would like men to know?
MARK: My stamina has improved through doing the work with Mandy. It’s a pretty good exercise regimen to build your stamina; it’s just having more sex and going longer in edging. Our first sex weekend was 48 to 72 hours of almost nonstop making love.
KIM: Almost nonstop having intercourse or some kind of sexual interaction for 48 to 72 hours?
MARK: Yeah. I’m not saying I was erect for 48 hours. Our whole weekend revolved around just being intimate. We basically refused to wear clothes for the weekend. We were in a nice, beautiful, remote sort of place not far from where we live, in a cabin overlooking a beautiful view of the ocean, and no one was around. On occasion, I think we went out for lunch. We put clothes on for that, obviously. But we started the weekend with what we call alfresco sex. On the way to the lodge, we stopped on the side of the road, went in the bushes. We hadn’t done that in a long, long time. I said, “I want to have alfresco sex again.” And then we probably had alfresco sex three times again over the weekend.
But it was being naked, just loving each other; it was long sex dates. Two or three hours. It was in the spa; it was in the bed. It was on the balcony overlooking the ocean. We slept for maybe five hours each night, maybe. But otherwise, it was that.
The way we came back to our lives after that weekend was fucking mind-blowing. What we brought to work, what we brought to our family. I was walking with a swagger without even knowing it. And Mandy—I walked into the room, and she would just buckle at the knees. “Oh my God.” We fulfilled one another in the most amazing way on that weekend. And it lasted for like three weeks. It was just incredible.
KIM: The investment of going away for that weekend fulfilled you. You felt the obvious benefits of it for several weeks afterward.
MARK: Absolutely. I cannot express how different we were in our various environments as a result of that sex weekend. It was huge. The positivity, the chemistry, the strength, the masculinity, the femininity, the submission for her to me; the whole thing was just so beautiful and amazing. I was nervous about it, too. “Shit, am I going to do a whole weekend of sex? How is that going to work?”
But then we came back to our lives and just, whoa, really. We were both saying, “Are you getting this? Are you seeing this?” I said, “I’m seeing this. I’m living this part of it.” She said, “Fuck, you walk into the room, honey, and I’m wet.” I said, “This is just fucking amazing.”
KIM: This is a great key point. I talk about things like the quarterly sex weekend and the weekly extended sex date, two to three hours. Because when you go in deep and you have no pressure and are completely relaxed, you can really unfold into these deeper spaces; you cultivate, you harness, and you harvest an enormous amount of energy. Those really are the fundamentals of my work: sexual energy is life-force energy. When you’re tuning into it consciously, and you learn how to harness it and then channel it out into your life, it’s miraculous. The changes take place effortlessly in your outer life. You’re not trying to make these things happen. You’re not exerting some additional or mammoth amount of effort, or any real different effort; it’s coming from your bed. From your intimate connection and the fact that you have cultivated that sexual energy, and you’re now infusing it into every part of your lives.
MARK: Yeah. That’s exactly what happened. It was very surprising. Not surprising that we hadn’t heard you talk about it, surprising as to the way it happened to us for several weeks after. It was just incredible.
I keep saying we’re not perfect; we haven’t been having our weekly sex dates in the last few weeks, and we’ve noticed it. That’s what we were chatting about this morning before I came on the call. We said, “We’ve got to get back to those longer sex dates.” We’re doing a lot of the other stuff, and we chatted this morning and said, “You know what? We can’t let that go. I’m feeling it in my energy. I’m feeling it in our connection.” We’ve got to stamp that shit out and get back to those long sex dates.
KIM: Yeah. But you have committed to your quarterly sex weekends, right?
MARK: They’re booked in advance. We’ve also had our second one.
KIM: The proof is in the pudding. Once you do these things, then the effects propel you to keep doing them because you see the dramatic shifts that you’re having in yourselves, in your relationship, in your outer lives. You come back from one sex weekend, and you’re already booking the next one [laughs] because you know what an important facet and tool it is in your lives.
MARK: Yeah. You’re absolutely booking the next weekend after your first one. 100%.
I do want to say to all the guys that do this course—and I think it’s the same for the women that do the course, having chatted to Mandy about it is—what happens is not what you expect. You probably know what’s happening, Kim, but as a man that’s doing the course, none of it really makes sense at the time. You start the course and you think, “This is going to be great. My stamina is going to get longer. My cock is going to grow, and I’m going to pleasure my wife in more ways.”
It most definitely happens, but not necessarily like that. You’re kind of uncovering where you need to do the work. You do a lot of processes around cleaning the glass and lots of other stuff and extending your edge; there’s nothing individually that I could look at that we’ve done in Sexual Mastery for Men and say, “That was the biggest thing for me.”
All of it created an impact. All of it made a change. I’m now thinking about stuff when I’m making love if I’m not getting as hard. “What’s going on?”
There’s a shift. But you keep doing the work; you turn up for the next salon, and then you go back and revisit; you integrate and say, “What didn’t I do in the first four or five or six?” Or in the couples salon. “What aren’t I doing?” And you find it. You see it and you say, “I haven’t really gone there.” So you go back and revisit and do that work and then all of a sudden—boom—you’re back and you’ve leveled up again. You’re at level four, and then you go to level three, and you say, “I have no idea why I went to level three, but there’s something going on.” Then you go back and do the work and you end up at level seven.
It’s a beautiful thing; it’s just not what I was expecting, and yet it’s everything that I’d hoped for.
KIM: I think what I hear you saying was that it was more multidimensional and deeper than what you had originally thought superficially from the outset. Then also, as you’re going through stuff, there might not be a clear trajectory. Everyone is different. Some people get an immediate shift in one area and then maybe they’re slower in another area or you feel like you take a step forward and then backward. But ultimately, it’s all feedback, is what you’re saying. You look at that and say, “Okay.”
What I say to people is, “What have I missed?” If something isn’t happening, let’s say my infamous phrase about orgasms, borrowed from somewhere else, “If you build it, they will come.” If they’re not coming, you haven’t built something. There’s something in the foundation that you have missed. Rather than people feeling sorry for themselves or saying, “I’ve been working so hard, when is this going to happen?” You’ve missed something. That is ultimately it. It’s radical self-responsibility to say, “Okay, if it’s not happening, if it’s not moving as fast as I want, then I’ve missed something.” And then you do. The onus is on you to go back and look and find it and then shift it. And then—boom—you quantum leap higher than ever because now you’ve got that piece that was left behind that you didn’t realize.
It’s that metaphor of building a house with a strong foundation. Every layer that you build, if you’ve missed a spot and there’s rotten wood in the corner of that house, it’s going to collapse or leak from that area during the first big storm because something is not right. All these messages are feedback from your body, your psyche, saying, “All right, let’s go back and do a little more focus here and then we’ll be off to the races faster than before.”
MARK: That’s exactly what I’m saying. You think it’s going to be one thing. I wasn’t aware of my own cultural conditioning around some of the things that you work on. Then we were asked to look at them as part of the program. Even when I put down on paper things that I think I am socially conditioned about around sex, I don’t get them all down. They may not turn up for another two or three weeks, and then I’ve got to go back and re-look at them.
What I really want to say to the guys watching this is to 100% give it a go. Without one hesitation, you have to give this a go. You have to do the work.
I was lucky because if something challenged my thought process around the program and I didn’t get the result that I was wanting, Mandy had done Well-F**ked Woman and Vaginal Kung Fu. So she was one or two salons ahead, and she could say, “Okay, let’s go back and have a look. Let’s just circle around and see what we’ve missed.”
Sometimes you’re not even aware that you’re missing it. Because it’s so deeply embedded in a dark space in your head where you say, “No, I don’t want to think about that, or I do want to think about that, or I didn’t know that I was thinking like that about it.” And I’m talking about sex and the way we interact with people or children or partners or husbands or work and all that sort of stuff. How we feel about things can affect so much of what happens in the bedroom. When it’s not quite right, we have to circle back around and work out what it is. When it all lines up and you get it done and you get it right, it’s cataclysmic. Amazing.
To the males out there: just do the work. Follow the process, do the work, and if it’s not where you want it to be, circle around and do it again. I’m doing Sexual Mastery for Men again, which is beautiful because we get a lifetime subscription, and Mandy wants to do Sexual Mastery for Men. I want to do Well-F**ked Woman, not because I want to be a Well-F**ked Woman, although I like all the things that my wife likes [laughs], but ultimately, it’s just more understanding and connecting with one another.
I don’t know if I’ll do Vaginal Kung Fu, but we’ll see. [Laughs]
KIM: I love what you’re saying because I talk about how we’re in this together and our relationship is its own entity. It’s this alchemizing cauldron where we can throw all of our stuff in and help each other to see our own blind spots and each other’s blind spots.
It’s hard. We all have unconscious patterns and behaviors and defense mechanisms, but if we’re working on it collaboratively as a loving unit, then we can help each other see. We’re not feeling defensive or threatened by the other person. We’re saying, “Oh, okay, I hadn’t thought of it that way. I hadn’t looked at it that way. Thank you.” And we get through it together. We illuminate it and then transform it together. That’s beautiful.
Fantastic, Mark. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective as a Well-F**ked Man and a Well-F**ked Couple.
MARK: Thank you, Kim. Thanks for having us. It’s been fantastic. We really love it, and we will be lifetime fuckers. Let’s put it that way.