Be a Man with a Plan – Transcript
Be a man with a plan.
We’re going to kick off this episode with a clip from the comedian, Ari Shaffir, being interviewed on the First Date with Lauren Compton podcast. She asks him what the sweetest thing he’s ever done for someone is and he tells her this story:
LAUREN: What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?
ARI: I said to a lady, “Clear a weekend for me.” She’s like, “Oh, where are we going?”
I’m like, “Don’t worry about that, just pack a bag.”
“What should I pack?”
“Pack something casual, pack something to hike in, pack maybe some cocktail attire.”
Picked her up in a car. “Where are we—”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Drive to JFK. She’s like, “What the fuck? We’re getting on a plane? To where?”
“Don’t worry about it.”
We got a drink at the airport. “Where are we going?”
“Birmingham, Alabama.”
She goes, “What the fuck is in Birmingham?” Starts to look it up, what’s in Birmingham?
We land. Get in the car. Birmingham. We started driving. About an hour-and-a-half later we hit the Mississippi border. She’s like, “What the fuck is in Mississippi?”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s a surprise. The whole thing is a surprise.”
We get through the town of Philadelphia, Mississippi. Small town. Got to the best hotel in town, which is like LaQuinta. She goes, “What’s in the other bag?” And I’m like, “If you open it, you’ll know, but don’t open it.” She’s like, “Okay.”
Next day, got up, went to get breakfast. She’s like, “What’s going on?” Like, “You’ll see.”
Every storefront just has all this like artwork in it saying, “Welcome, Dolly.” Dolly Parton is playing. She doesn’t play anymore. She stopped.
LAUREN: I know.
ARI: She stopped. Marty Stewarts, he has a museum, a country music museum in Philadelphia, Mississippi. She decided to do one show for him and tickets went on sale months and months before. I waited in line to get tickets and went to see Dolly Parton at a 500-seater, fucking 12 rows back. She was like, “This is great. I would’ve packed certain clothes if I knew it was going to be Dolly Parton.”
I was like, “Dammit, if I only realized that and brought one of your friends over to your house to pick out outfits that you would’ve worn and that’s what’s in the other bag.” It was all her fucking tassels, her boots, different outfits.
LAUREN: Oh my god! Stop!
ARI: It was the best.
*****
KIM: This is such a fantastic example of being a man with a plan. Let’s talk about how many themes are going on here. The first, he knows her. He knows she loves Dolly.
One of the biggest gifts of this experience is him showing her how well he knows her.
The second is he makes it a surprise. He doesn’t check in with her along the way. In fact, he keeps her guessing.
The third is he pulls together every angle of it. She does not have to think about anything. She doesn’t even know about it. It’s the old, “Be ready at 8, I’ll pick you up, wear a cocktail dress. Move.” And it never gets old.
You can and ought to do this throughout your relationship. This applies to early stages, all the way through 30 years of marriage. Be a man with a plan. Take the lead, initiate, be bold. Be the man so that she doesn’t have to be.
If you do it with genuine truthfulness, watch h soften and surrender to and give back the biggest gift that she can, her trust.
In today’s episode, we are talking with Well-F**ked All Star, Jim. He’s been on the show several times before in the episodes, How to Fuck Your Woman Into Oblivion, and Polarity, the Hottest Sexual Chemistry, which included his wife, Meg.
Today we are chatting about what it looks like ongoing to lead as the masculine in your relationship with your woman. The guts and the glory.
KIM: Hey, Jim.
JIM: How are you, Kim?
KIM: Fantastic. Great to see you.
JIM: Great to see you.
KIM: All right. Well, let’s get into it. The topic today is how you lead your woman in relationship.
You and Meg on your journey, you’ve both been on the podcast before, have talked about one of your major issues and challenges that you’ve been working through in your relationship with the idea of masculine and feminine polarity. Whereby your own admission, that was reversed for years, where Meg has been more in a masculine dominant role, and you in a more like feminine, reactive role, and that you guys have really focused on shifting that dynamic and you stepping into more of a direct, masculine leadership role in your life and in your relationship.
What kind of suggestions would you give people and would’ve been some of the top tools or things that you’ve kept in mind on your journey in terms of how to lead as a man in your relationship?
JIM: I think number one, is something that I learned in Sexual Mastery for Men, and that is purpose, having purpose. I’ve said this ad nauseum, I think, on the podcast, is before I met you, I was like a rudderless ship. Just somebody without purpose, which created a lot of tension in our relationship, and I would say internal, like depression, and just no motivation.
When I went through SMM, there was just a huge lightbulb that went off regarding the idea of purpose. I dove headfirst in that, and I really found what I believe to be my purpose in life. It really sparked something within me to take care of my family, to take care of my wife, my kids, to be a role model for my kids, be the leader that my wife needs in me. What was fascinating—and this, I think, was like one of the first challenges or tests for Meg, when it comes to that role reversal that we had really worked on, is the idea of this purpose and really discussing the purpose.
And so when I laid that out and really explained to her what my purpose was and where my purpose fell in my priority list, it was a little bit of a shock to her because through all my studies, through mentors and things like that, it became very, very clear to me that a man’s purpose has to be number one.
When I told her that, it was a bit of a—it was hurtful for her because she wanted to be number one. I had to explain to her, “Look, if my purpose is not number one, that means I am not showing up in life and then if I’m not showing up in life, and on this path, then I cannot be this container for you. I can’t hold you, I can’t hold fire for you, I can’t lead the kids, I can’t do anything without purpose.”
And so we had to have this discussion—and I don’t think she got it right away, but when she saw it in action, I think she really started to realize that it was important for purpose to be number one in my life.
Which I think that maybe for a lot of couples out there, you make these vows to each other, and they’re supposed to be your best friend, your lovers, and number one in your life, and so that might sound a bit odd, but the more I thought about it, unpacked it, looked at it from every angle and thought about the logic of it, I couldn’t get around the idea of not having purpose be number one in my life.
KIM: How does that help you in leading your woman? Would you say that that is just an overall energy of focus and exerting yourself and directing your energy into something that is a real expression of the masculine in action that then is conveying the spirit of that to her? Like why is that important in terms of how you lead with your woman?
JIM: I think that it’s so important because without that purpose, like I said, I was just a rudderless bitch. It was just going from project to project, no enthusiasm, no masculine energy, nothing was sustainable, and by finding a purpose and aligning with the correct purpose, the masculine energy was able to absolutely express in me and outward.
There were signs of that all over the place. Becoming more responsible at home, becoming more responsible in my studies of becoming a more masculine man, particularly the Anami studies.
One of my highest purposes was reaching the internal orgasm. Which it took me probably four years of practice and trauma shedding to get the self-love high enough to be able to embody that and get the control of my body and relax it enough and all the thing that need to happen for that super O.
When you do all those things, there’s something within you that if you can control your body like that, you can control almost anything in your life. And that energy, that cock-fidence, like we like to call it, it enters a room before you enter the door.
So with that purpose, with that higher purpose of—I think you’ve described it as dharma, right? Like with your work purpose and then that higher-self purpose with the masculine, because that’s one of my purposes, is to be the most masculine man I can be, and have control of my body, and that part of it. And combining that with my vocational purpose.
So those two things combined just kind of supercharged the divine masculine within me, and it allowed me to express it more, and it allowed her to surrender more easily, seeing that within me.
It’s not something like, “Hey, I’m masculine.” It’s one of those things that you don’t have to say. It precedes you into—it’s an energy.
KIM: Yeah. It’s a show, not tell.
JIM: Yes, yes. And I think that is—and before purpose, I didn’t have that. I didn’t have that at all. That’s my number one thing, for me, to lead a woman, is to have your own purpose and not just have purpose but be executing on it. It’s one thing to say you have purpose but it’s another thing to actually execute and follow through.
KIM: Right. I think that’s the whole distinguishing factor between showing and not telling, right? Telling is kind of irrelevant. Telling really means nothing. Showing is everything. You don’t need to tell if you’re already showing. Telling is really only a substitute for showing.
JIM: Yeah. It’s a wannabee, right? I mean, after a session of internal orgasm, it’s not just with my wife that notices it, I could be in a store—I remember I was returning something at Old Navy for Meg and like all the cashiers were just staring at me. And I wasn’t doing anything. I was just being me. But there’s just something that was radiating from me.
That only came because of my higher purpose of—
KIM: Because you didn’t come, ha, ha, ha. [Laughs]
JIM: That’s right, [laughs] because I didn’t come. And it was my higher purpose. That’s like one of my higher purposes. When I talk to people who are not vanilla, who are familiar with Kim Anami, I always told them, like this is my purpose because if I can control this, or not even control—control is a really bad word—if I can leave my body, if I can lead that animal to be able to create this—generate this power, like when your prostate gets warm and it just radiates through your body, if I can do that, I can do anything.
There’s something about in your subconscious that it just tells people that. So day to day it shows up with other women but specifically and most importantly it shows up with my wife. Shows up in my life, and my wife recognizes it, and therefore, just wants to surrender.
KIM: What I love about this little anecdote, is I talk about this quality in women as the Well-F**ked Woman, this aura, this energy, this je ne sais quoi, that people pick up on that’s really magnetic and radiant, where women get hit on all the time publicly in sweat pants and flip-flops just because men are picking up on this aura, and this energy.
What you’re describing is the same thing in men, but what I see the difference is, is that because you’re cultivating the orgasm without ejaculation, which is a kind of obviously very deep internal discipline and as you said, connected to your purpose, but it’s a real test of spiritual strength and metal, the way I see it.
I was thinking and writing about how I think women actually don’t respect men who ejaculate. Even if they’re not conscious of that and even if they’re asking a man, like they want him to come, there’s this, perhaps, mild ego stroking. “Oh, I made him come because I’m so hot,” but like really, he’s just weak.
Like if a man is continually just succumbing to the lowest rung of pleasure and what’s available to him, where it’s like eating Oreo cookies instead of making a big steak. It’s like there’s a price to pay for that and it shows up in your aura. There’s a certain kind of strength and confidence and endurance building that goes with that journey of really seeking and cultivating the orgasm without ejaculation.
It’s a mastery of the self. It’s a mastery of your lower superficial desires. Then you wear that energy out in the world so that not only does your wife pick up on it, but it’s so tangible. It’s such an actual thing that strangers feel it and they pick up on it.
Then yeah, for your wife, she’s—I mean, she’s feeling, perceiving the energy shift within you but she also knows also where that’s coming from and that ultimately how much that benefits her as a woman because you going the distance and not succumbing means that that energy gets channeled back into you, her, and your relationship. The vessel of your relationship is now the beneficiary of that higher-level focus, of your determination, of you collecting all of your will and channeling it into that, rather than it just getting ejected out into the world and thrown into a piece of toilet paper and flushed down the toilet.
JIM: 100%. I love that you bring that up because part of this—of living up to this purpose is in the bedroom and it’s so funny that you bring this up because Meg will almost every time, just want me to come inside of her, and ask.
KIM: What do you think that’s about? Why do you think that is then?
JIM: I don’t know if it’s still her wanting a little bit of control and testing me for that.
KIM: Like will you succumb?
JIM: Yeah, will you—yeah.
KIM: Or will you hold fast and not do it.
JIM: Yeah. Yes. And the majority of the time, I’m like, “No, not today, baby, sorry.”
KIM: “No, bitch, can’t have my come.”
JIM: No. That’s right. [Laughs] You don’t deserve this! So I deny it a lot but within your practice, you should, from what I’m understanding, ejaculate every month or like few weeks or something like that.
KIM: No. Where’d you get that from? I never said that.
JIM: Maybe I saw it online. I forgot where it was.
KIM: I think I’ve seen stuff like that online. Actually, you know what? We were looking at that the other day, that there was a—shall we say a well-known teacher—who put out a guide of how often men, it’s okay to ejaculate. And I was shocked at how frequently it was stated. Like we both were. We were actually rather horrified.
And the same teacher actually suggests that men should cultivate orgasm without ejaculation. Then in the next breath is saying, “Yeah, it’s okay to come like every five days.” I’m like, “What the fuck are you talking about, bitch?”
JIM: Yeah.
KIM: Like that’s not at all in line with what I would take those teachings to be. And what I’ve seen in my own experience and when men have really committed and they’ve gone for it to do the whole orgasm without ejaculation journey, the proof is always in the pudding, or the lack thereof of the pudding. Meaning, when they recycle, channel that energy back into themselves, everything goes up. Mental performance, athletic performance, overall energy, creativity, and that if you were just jerking it every few days or whatever, ejaculating into your woman every few days, you would not get those kind of benefits.
I was rather stumped to see that. Even as a short sell of trying to get men on board, I still thought it was really frequent and way too—and like I’ve actually changed my—like for me, like I would say to tune in about when it is a good time to do it, but overall, that you don’t need to. There’s no need to just be—if you’re following all the practices that I teach in the salons, you’re learning to convert that energy into creative power, there’s no need to be dumping it out just because you think you should or there’s some kind of like benefit. There isn’t. There isn’t.
And if you test it, the best way—like proof is in the pudding and that you test it yourself. Like do a month of frequent ejaculation or whatever your regular norm is and then do a month without it and see how you feel.
Not that it’s that easy in that there are other ways that you then have to redirect that energy consciously. Otherwise, it’s just kind of like a willpower, I’m not going to do it. But if you’re consciously channeling that energy, that’s how you win in that practice, which is all about—all of what I teach.
That’s the main thing, I think that one of the main things that guys have to get used to, is that they are used to feeling completely obliterated after they come, and they mistake that for as come and ejaculate. They mistake that for relaxation. When really it’s depletion. There’s a difference.
So when they still are buzzing with energy after sex, they feel almost a compulsion to get rid of that because it’s unfamiliar.
Where what I teach is not go to the gym, go workout in the yard, like go play with your kids, go channel that energy into something, because that’s how you’re meant to feel after you have sex.
In the words of Anthony Kunkel when I said, “You want to feel like you want to run a marathon after sex,” and he literally goes and runs a marathon after sex. [Laughs]
JIM: Yeah. I mean, that is so true, and I think that—kind of ending it around back to what we were talking about, having the ability to choose when you offer your nectar to your woman is very, very different from not being able to choose, for lack of better words.
KIM: Sure. Absolutely. Yeah, even that is a big accomplishment, I’d say. Yeah.
JIM: Yeah. And I think that—it’s just one more thing to let her know that I’m on purpose. That I can handle this. That I can do this. No, you’re not getting it tonight. Sorry.
KIM: Yeah, yeah. Love it. A lot of women—the whole concept of women testing men, where they push against men and they’ll push against them just to see, “Are you going to cave and just be a pushover or are you going to hold firm?” Most of the time they don’t really want you to cave. They don’t want the thing that they look like they’re asking for. They’re actually just checking to see how firm is your resolve and are you going to just succumb to me whining a little bit? Or are you just going to be like, “Look, I have a more important purpose, and it supersedes this.”
That’s actually the answer we’re looking for, is, “Ah, sigh of relief, this means that I can actually trust you because I can’t just niggle at you and throw you off course.”
JIM: Yes. I’m so glad you brought this up because when I made all my shifts after being in your classes, taking all the advice, doing all the homework, and then things like that still were happening, I was like, “What the hell? Why is this still happening?”
KIM: What things? Like she was testing you?
JIM: Testing, yes. Talking about testing. I had a mentor help me reframe it. He said, “Don’t look at it like she’s nagging or she’s testing you, look at it as if she’s flirting with you.” When you reframe that to, “She’s flirting with you,” then it becomes a game and holding fire, holding steady, allowing the masculinity just to like bubble up even more, that becomes like this game and it’s no longer an us-versus-them frame. It’s I’m not going to—I don’t have to win this battle, it’s, “Oh, she’s flirting with me. Let’s do this.”
KIM: So what would be an example, if you can think of one, where she was giving you that kind of testing energy and you were able to pivot and reframe, instead of getting either offended or irritated or triggered that you could take it like a flirting gesture and do a sort of qigong, tai chi, pushback but actually segue that into something positive?
JIM: Yeah. Man, I have to search the depths here. This is like a really—maybe seem like a silly example, but even—I don’t let her drive me. Anywhere. Unless it’s like there’s something wrong or it’s just like in a pinch. But most of the time, I just don’t let her drive me. She’s in the driver’s seat and does not want to get out and for whatever reason, just thinking about it from a flirtatious point, I was able to not freak out and demand and try to control and do all these things and just allow my essence to come through and then playfully lead her out of the driver’s seat and to the passenger seat.
I know that’s like just a small example but little things like that, I think we’ve talked about this in previous podcasts, where it’s beta by a thousand cuts.
KIM: Right.
JIM: And so that might seem really small and insignificant to maybe somebody listening to this, but it’s still pretty major because if you add up that scene, 10 times, 100 times, she loses all respect, and she’s like, “No, you can’t lead me.”
In that situation, that could’ve got really ugly if we were pre-Anami. [Laughs] It would just be like butting heads. But shifting that frame to it’s flirting and then stepping up in a way to lead her out of the car and into the other passenger seat, to surrender, and let your husband lead the chariot and lead you to the ball, whatever it is.
I think that was probably one of the first times that I was able to do that and it really—for such a small and kind of like silly incident, it really gave me the confidence to do that with other things, more serious things.
KIM: Yep. So how would you say that you lead her in the bedroom?
JIM: She never has to ask me if I want to have sex. She never has to be the one initiating. I’m always embarrassing our kids, grabbing her ass, creating the simmer if you will. All these things that you talk about in your salons, I practice those a lot, and drive-by kisses and lots of touching, lots of grabbing, all these things to make her feel wanted. So that’s the first thing, is that she never has to ask.
Then once we’re in the bedroom, it’s take charge. It’s been so long, I think probably even before we ever did any Anami-type stuff, I rarely let her even get on top. Unless we’re doing like a certain position to reach a G-Spot or something like that, I’m always on top, I’m always—like sometimes she’ll just be like, “I want to go down on you.” I was like, “Too bad, I want you,” and I’ll grab her, and I’ll take charge. She says, “But I really wanted to go down on you.” “I’m sorry, that’s not what’s happening tonight.”
So taking charge in the bedroom and not letting her make decisions, it’s kind of like being at the restaurant and ordering for her, except we’re doing it in the bedroom.
I think that is—that’s huge for her because there will be times where she won’t even—maybe she’s not in the mood or what not, and it might be 4 or 5 in the morning, but I just grab her and I’m pulling clothes off of her. That act probably gets her more wet than almost anything else.
She always tells me afterwards, she’s like, “Do you feel how wet I was? Did you see how wet I was? It’s because I feel so wanted when you do that to me.” When I’m ravishing her, it makes her just surrender and the water works and everything, because I took charge. I led.
I don’t know, not a whole lot of different ways to say that, but I mean, it’s really just the animal thing, just like, “No, I’m sorry, we’re having sex, I’m pulling off your panties, and we’re going.”
KIM: Well, you’re not sorry.
JIM: [Laughs] That’s true.
KIM: [Laughs] So how about spiritual leadership? How do you see that? How does that unfold in your relationship?
JIM: So after doing a lot of doing the work that you taught and the demon hunting and the escaping of my own inflicted prisons, this trauma, and the way that I thought and the way that my nervous system was wired, all of these things, I was able to move on to bigger and better things.
Instead of just always fighting with the trash that I was dealing with, all the trauma and all that stuff, when you’re free of that and you take the advice that you talk about in these salons, like the demon hunting, the shadow work, the finding, the different modalities to help you out, which you list so many beautiful ones in there, that opens the door to then reach higher and get to a different level. Instead of just maintaining, you’re opening new possibilities, new channels of downloading information, and all those things.
Meg has seen me, just like I did with your work, I’m like a kamikaze artist. Like I just go 100%, 1000%, and like I go for it. I do that with everything in the spiritual realm, too, and Meg sees me do that. Instead of me having to say, “Come on with me, come on, let’s do this together,” which I used to do incessantly before SMM and before CT and all those things. “Let’s do this together, let’s learn this together,” and it was always together, together, together.
I was never leading. Now I can look back and understand why she probably didn’t want to do that stuff with me. It was probably coming off as just needy.
But now I’ve carved my own path to the spiritual teachings. Some of it having to do with that internal orgasm that we talked about before. That has a lot to do with spiritual learnings, in my opinion.
Then there was one time where I was at a seminar and there was something being offered there in Mexico, in Tulum, Mexico. It was about ego dissolution. Probably one of the first times I just texted her and I said, “I’m going to sign up for this thing. You need to trust me, and don’t ask how much it costs. But we’re going.”
Leading up to it, she was so concerned about the price of it, and what are we going to do with the kids and getting them situated, what are we going to do with the dogs, and all that kind of stuff. But when we got there, and we’re walking on the beach after the first two days or so, she grabbed my hand and she was like, “I want to thank you for making me go and for leading me here because this is the first time in my life that I ever felt gratitude.”
It was so profound for her and so now, because she sees that I’m making better decisions, because I’m leading with more authority and guided spiritually and all these things, she can now trust that when I jump into something, it’s just not a, “Oh, Jim, he’s trying this and let’s see what happens. He’ll probably stop doing it after two weeks or two months or anything like that.” No, she experienced this, and it ripped her head off in a good way.
Now she can trust me now because she sees me leading in the proper direction. So she’s been able to do some things spiritually and journey-wise, that she always tells me, she’s like, “God, if I would’ve thought five years ago, you told me I would be doing this in like the spiritual realm and I would be feeling all these things for the first time in my life, I would’ve thought you were crazy.”
That part of my leadership has been amplified because of the work that I put in that I learned from you, I’m now making better decisions in my life so that when she sees me do things, it’s curiosity, not annoyance. Does that make sense?
KIM: Yeah. You’ve earned that trust that your direction is somewhere she’ll want to go and is for the benefit of the relationship that she will default to that as the first reaction rather than the first reaction being skepticism.
JIM: Yes. Now it’s like, I mean, that’s probably the second big thing because the first thing was Coming Together. Once she got through that and saw that, okay—
KIM: Meaning by that, do you mean you were the person who brought the Coming Together Salon to her as, “Let’s do this.”
JIM: Yes. I did. Yes. She was like, “Who is this Kim Anami person?”
KIM: “Who wants me to suck your dick all the time?”
JIM: Yeah, yeah. “Who is this? Carnival sex?” and all this kind of stuff. Come to find out we have to do—
KIM: Carnival sex? What? [Laughs] What the hell is that? Carnivore or carnival? What did you just say?
JIM: I said carnival. [Laughs]
KIM: Carnival? What’s that?
JIM: Like just crazy-fun sex.
KIM: Oh, okay.
JIM: But that was the first thing that she could begin to trust me leading because it panned out. But I dove in so hard with everything that you taught and recommended, it allowed me to make better choices in my life and better leadership choices. I’m attracting better mentors, better texts to read.
All these different things are now becoming a part of my life with follow through and they’re not—what’s the word—false prophets or I don’t know if there’s a better word for that, but charlatans, you know what I mean?
I’m finding really, really great people and mentors. I’ve gotten closer with you. All these things because I’m leading better, because I have a better internal compass because I’ve shed so much of the garbage that I thought was real.
I’ve kind of broken through the illusion of all the crap that I believed and that has absolutely 100% allowed me to lead and find great spiritual leaders, spiritual practices, and mentors.
KIM: I love that. So how about day to day? In your day-to-day mundane life, how are you leading?
JIM: So it used to be, before Kim Anami, that she would literally have to nag me to do a lot of things. Not so much as—not like testing just because I lacked purpose. Lacked motivation.
KIM: So were you just in your own kind of feel sorry for yourself spiral that you wouldn’t do those things or was there a passive-aggressive component to that of resenting her? You know what I mean? That these were things that you knew were part of your responsibilities but you’re not doing them? Or do you think a mix of both?
JIM: I think the resentment for her led to depression and not shirking my duties. It wasn’t like, “I’m not going to do this because I resent her or I’m not happy in my relationship.” It was, “I’m not happy in my relationship,” which added compounded to the, I guess, depression or fog that you live in, which then would just lose—lack of motivation, lack of purpose, lack of leadership, and then you just not doing things.
So now after Kim Anami, and finding purpose and leading, the things that I do during the day when she’s not around—there was just something I think two weeks ago, where we had talked about something and then I said, “No, I already did that.” She’s like, “Oh, really? I didn’t know.” It’s those things where you’re like surprising her almost.
KIM: Taking initiative. You’re doing things without asking. You’re anticipating.
JIM: Yes. I’m anticipating and that was something that she was not used to before the principles of SMM and things like that, and leading.
Those things, it’s doing those things. It’s actually doing the things that even when she is present and seeing not just the things that are off-camera—we’ll call it off-camera—but even the things that are on-camera and I’m still doing those. How do I want to say that? It’s the difference between saying I’m going to, or I don’t have to say, “I did this, I did this, I did this,” to make her feel like I’m doing something. It’s the actions that are showing her. And that’s a huge difference because words don’t mean shit.
KIM: I love the theme of anticipation because I think when the masculine is really in that pure space and functioning from there, it does become about anticipation. Before she’s even thought about it.
We talk about these examples of when a man sets a date, whether in early stage relationship or longstanding relationship, the way you set a date is, “We’re going out Thursday, be ready at 8, wear a cocktail dress.” Then you plan the event. You plan everything out. She just needs to show up.
But you’re doing this higher-level anticipation that I think is really the gift of the masculine and that impacts a woman on a whole other level of these—they become almost invisible, but they end up revealing themselves at some point, actions that the man takes to really set something up and take care of her needs that in a way that she couldn’t have even perhaps planned herself.
Then you can also do that because you know her so well. You know, you pay attention, you’ve gotten to know the essence of her and her likes and dislikes that you can competently do that with somebody. Even early on in a relationship, that would be a really strong sign of confidence, but also sensitivity, perception, paying attention. “I am deeply interested in the core of who you are and I’m listening and I’m watching, and I’m going to show you that I see it. That I see you.” Nothing fucking sexier than that.
JIM: Yes. That’s something I never got before working with you. Just that idea of I had such an internal wiring of wanting to shout out my achievements and “Look what I did, look what I did.” That was coming from such a place of internal lack of confidence, lack of belief, lack of self-love, and looking for approval from her or anyone else.
When you’re able to turn those tables and you’re doing things that align with your purpose, again, just being this masculine—like allowing this divine, masculine energy to flow through, even just with that purpose, not talking about the vocational stuff, when you’re doing all these things, you don’t have to shout it from the rooftop and say, “Look at me, look at me.”
It’s like we talked about before with the internal orgasms, it shows up in the room before you enter.
KIM: It’s something you wear. You earn, and you internalize the benefits and the wisdom of the achievement you’ve just come to, or not come to, and then you wear that energy, and that energy is perceived by everyone around you. Even if the small things that you do, or big things, you’re not advertising them.
Maybe your woman doesn’t even notice, or she notices like a month later that you did the thing that was lurking in the ethers. You finally did it. Yeah, you wear that—we call cock-fidence—where you integrate—you’re acting from a place of integrity, you’re taking care of business, you’re initiating, you’re doing your duty and role as a man. Yeah, the benefit comes into you as your whole aura is the well-fucked man aura.
JIM: Yeah. You really triggered a really good point, is I think you keep expressing something so beautifully about how you wear these things. When you talk about leading your woman, I think so much of it has to do with you wearing all of these things. Because when they become a part of your nervous system and you’re subconsciously wearing all of these energies, I don’t care who you are, I don’t care who the female is across from you, there’s going to be a natural leadership that’s emanating from the masculine and a natural surrender from the woman.
It has to do with wearing these energies that you keep talking about. I think that’s so beautiful that you’ve articulated it like that.
KIM: Well, that’s where the whole Well-F**ked Woman meme/concept came from, is that it became an auric transformation in women who were being truly, deeply well-fucked. Where they changed and it became visible to me. I began to see it and feel it in people. Then the same thing happens in men.
But when you’re inhabiting that energy strongly enough that it begins to change your visible appearance, but your auric appearance as well. Because we have these stories of women being on the other side of the road and men over four lanes of traffic like galloping across the road to go and ask these women for their number, where they can barely see their appearance. Like you might be like, “Okay, she looks hot, maybe.”
But it’s more like—it’s even stronger than that. It’s an aura that’s being radiated out into the world. So yeah, I love all of that because it really goes beyond any of that, like we said, like the need to try to—the telling versus showing, is that you can really trust that if you’re doing the deep inner work, it’s being shown on more levels than you can even imagine. Like this invisible but very palpable signal that’s being broadcast out into the ethers.
Then the opposite happens when you’re not showing up. When you’re shirking yourself, when you’re not inhabiting yourself, you become more like a vortex, a black hole that’s sucking things into it, and becomes almost like—the same way that we talk about the Midas touch in people who are well-fucked, where everything they touch begins to turn to gold. Relationship opportunities, business opportunities, cash just falls into their laps. These things are all this cumulative effect.
Then the opposite happens when you’re in a dark, not connected to yourself, dissociated place, is almost like one bad thing after another. Like a pile-up of things you couldn’t even imagine.
Then that’s been such a huge piece of my work is showing people the relationship between these things. When you’re under-fucked, you are drawing everything into you like a black hole. Just non-stop.
Then when you’re well-fucked, the opposite happens. The energy was inverted, now it’s being expressed out into the world, and it’s like paving the way in front of you, and magnetizing all kinds of incredible, abundant, miraculous even, situations into your auric fields.
JIM: Yes. I think there’s a few points that I think tie into this, is that when you’re leading as the masculine and you’re wearing all these energies, there becomes—like when you have that cock-fidence in you, you’re no longer comparing yourself to other people.
Like when you walk in a room full of guys, you’re like, “Oh, he’s taller than me,” or “He’s got more muscles,” or whatever. That stops because you’re wearing like all these energies within yourself and you have that trust in yourself, that belief in yourself, and the confidence in yourself that you’re only comparing yourself to who you were.
When you go through these salons with you, if you’re just comparing yourself to who you were before the salon to who you are now, that’s all you need to compare yourself to because nothing else frickin matters.
When your woman sees and feels that energy, that you’re no longer sizing up people in the room, that is a sexy—that’s a very sexy attribution that you have, which again, all of these things build up to induce her to surrender. The day-to-day things, the spiritual leadership, the bedroom leadership, but then, all of that stuff that you’ve done accumulates into this beautiful energy that you’re wearing, and she sees you in a room with other people and people are like magnetically attracted to you. Then it’s, again, adding to the things that are making her wet.
I think the last thing to do with like these points that I had just thought about, was that when you’re leading, it comes from a place from what a mentor described to me as authority. When you are not wearing all these energies, you are leading from a place of posture. That means like you’re Biff Tannen from Back to the Future. Like you’re the bully. That is not going to get you anywhere with your spouse or your partner or anything like that.
Who’s going to want let somebody else take the lead who’s an asshole? Who’s posturing because they’re hurt or they’re projecting all their stuff onto you, trying to—what I would say probably is somebody in that posture thing is like almost belittling. You’re like, “No, you will follow me,” and it’s like very combative.
But when you are wearing all these beautiful energies, the divine masculine is flowing, and you have a certain authority about you that is truth. You’re not pretending that you have authority because the other person’s subconscious can sniff that out in a second. “Something is just not right about this guy. Sure, he looks good, you can tell he goes to the gym, but just something’s not right.”
But when you have all these things in alignment and you have that authority, the leadership that you’re able to exude is intoxicating for a female and it’s truth. It’s not true, it’s Truth, with a capital T. I think that’s something that her essence, her divine feminine is picking up on that frequency.
KIM: Yes, I would agree with that. For you, the definition of capital-T Truth is?
JIM: Is living a life of authority and living of life of purpose, on purpose. I do it on purpose.
KIM: When you say authority, I’m going to assume you mean like inner authority.
JIM: Inner authority, yeah.
KIM: That you are your own inner authority?
JIM: Yes. Confidence, discipline, leadership, gratitude, enjoyment. That’s something I learned from a mentor of mine, and I think those are universal truths. There’s a few other rungs to that triangle, but when you have that, there’s not like a duality in your life. You’re not hiding something.
Before Kim Anami, I would show up and perform—try to perform—wearing a mask that I was this guy. But it was living a dual life because when I’m off-camera, around anybody, I know that I’m not that person.
But if you are able to shift your life—and again, going through SMM, Coming Together, all those things, and you shift your life, and now you have purpose, you have these spiritual energies, you have these internal sexual energies, and then you have like discipline, this room looked like a hoarder’s room before. I mean, literally, it took me days and like so many trips to the dump, and this is a perfect example.
I finished SMM and like my stamina was up and all these things, but there was still something—when Meg—she wouldn’t even come into this room. How am I supposed to lead her when there’s leakage in there? That’s not absolute truth. That’s not truth with a capital T.
So you have to be on point with all these different areas of your life. Does that make sense?
KIM: Yeah. Yeah. All right, so any parting words? Anything you haven’t touched on yet?
JIM: Yes. I think that it’s very important that when you get to the top of the mountain, there will be challenges and that’s something that I think it’s good to be open about. It’s not eutopia. Every day, every week, is not eutopia. There’s always going to be challenges.
Meg and I actually have run into one recently where through circumstances I’m not going to bore anybody with, but it caused challenges in the relationship.
I went to my mentor, and I was like, “Man, I’m doing all these things, but she’s kind of seeing me as the guy before I went through Kim Anami’s salons and all this kind of stuff. Will she ever see me differently? What’s happening because I’m kind of going back into some of my old habits? What do I do?”
I wanted to be this masculine, this guy in the ultimate polarity, and doing all the leading and all that kind of stuff. When there was a hiccup, and there was maybe like a little bit of lack of faith or something like that that was triggered in Meg, it kind of set me on a little bit of a spiral because I’d never dealt with that before. Because I’d never been in that such a high position of leadership.
And what really has like started to really turn it around was understanding it’s all the things that we talk about, but it was like a new perspective shift. So like doing all the things off camera, doing the things unexpectedly that she doesn’t notice, I think before I was doing it for her 100%, and I wasn’t getting the gratitude for myself for doing it. So when there was a hiccup, all that leadership was—it got knocked down a peg or two.
With the perspective shift, with the challenge there to understand that no, get that hit from yourself knowing that you’re doing all the things, and you are doing the leadership things, and you don’t have to again get on the mountaintop and tell her about it.
When you do that, you can hold fire for her. You can hold steady for her. Before I was looking at this challenge as everything was about her and trying to lead her but instead, when I—
KIM: But is that also about wanting her approval? Because that’s what it sounds like.
JIM: Yeah, yeah. I was definitely wanting her approval, and so that was like a chink in my armor that I had to learn.
KIM: Like that was the reward—like when we talk about dopamine reward, you’re getting that from her, rather than just sourcing it internally and trusting that that’s enough.
JIM: Yes. Yes, and so that was one of the things that I think as I was making these changes and going through the salons, it was like one of the pieces that I did not—that I missed, I think, in those lessons. Because I was focused on doing things and not thinking about what that generated. I was able to have somebody else say, “No, no, no, you’re doing all the things, but now just get that hit from yourself and just understand.”
What was really amazing is that the other night, I went through, and I was able to just have an amazing session myself and generate tons of internal orgasms. And it just kept happening and like I couldn’t control it anymore. For like an hour it kept happening.
It was one of those things where when I was in my session, I was really focusing on creating dopamine from self-love. That’s what triggered a lot of these internal orgasms. Like I was having internal orgasms from loving myself, which was mind-blowing.
KIM: Let’s just pause here for a second because we’ve talked about this before. Sometimes people get blocks around self-pleasuring. Particularly women, but even for men, like to pivot on—okay, if you’re not masturbating to porn, and you’re not fantasizing, well, what do you do? How does this work?
So we’ve had this conversation before about well you actually find a way to get hot for yourself. Like you are coming home, wildly passionate, the way you’d come home to a lover and you’re so excited to get into bed with yourself. People have described it as being hot for themselves. Like the way they have the same like shivers, “I can’t wait to get there.”
Expand that a bit for me because I feel like that’s a really key piece and it might seem kind of abstract for people, but we’re talking literally like you are turned on by this idea of loving yourself. Can you explain that more for people? Because I think it’s really, really important, and not something people would naturally think about as a pathway through.
JIM: Yeah. That’s one thing that I didn’t understand. I don’t think I was ready to understand when I went through SMM. You can go through—
KIM: Well, you have to be close to loving yourself. Like if you’re so far away from loving yourself, which again, is a phrase that we churn out, very cliché, “Oh, you just got to love yourself.”
Yeah, okay, right, but what does that fucking mean? Exactly. I hear it so abstract, but until you get there, which I think is, especially for men, the journey of integrity, doing what you say you’re going to do, purpose, all the things that we’ve been talking about, and you build that up and you have an accumulation of all those things, that starts to feel and be worn as self-love.
You have to be close enough to it to then be able to experience it as a desire for the self because you’ve already been building it.
JIM: Yes. I could tell you right now, just talking about this, my like sacral chakra is getting cool right now. I can feel it in my prostate and my pelvic floor expanding and getting like not full-on like sexual orgasm, but like it’s creating this feeling in me right now of like just talking about it.
There was a point where through like spiritual practices we’ll call it, that I was able to feel this immense and intense love for myself. And through some of these practices, my intentions were understanding—like wanting to understand how to create that self-love, just working at it and working at it and working at it. And when you have that first internal orgasm and then instead of just kind of relaxing into it and, I don’t know, thinking about whatever, my intention went even stronger internally to say, “Oh my god, I love myself enough to do this,” and then—boom—another one.
Then you’re like, “Oh, my gosh, I can’t believe that I just finished this demand letter,” and then—boom—it’s like I had another one.
It became about me and appreciating all the things in my journey of what I did and really just, I mean, sounds weird and cheesy, but becoming in love with myself, like you described.
For a couple of nights, as I went to bed, after that session, where they were just like uncontrollable and they just kept coming and coming, like I was out of breath, I was exhausted, my abs were tired, all of these things. Meg, she was laughing her ass off, because I just literally—I was sitting on the couch with my boys and we were just like having a—trying to have some family time, and my legs would all of a sudden cross and then my feet would like curl back, and they’re like, “Are you all right?” Meg would just be like biting her lip.
KIM: They’re just orgasmic aftershocks. We’re going to be having them for the next 48 hours.
JIM: When I was doing those things though, it was really being in the moment and just loving myself and appreciating my family and everything that I’ve built, and they just kept getting stronger and stronger.
The next few nights, I could just sit in my bed and do some of the breathing that you taught us, and I would get to the point where I’m feeling—well, it’s probably stronger than I am now, but it was not quite there to like orgasmic level. But even without any self-pleasure at all, just through breathing techniques, to generate that, but it’s like a full-body internal of loving yourself. It would be like self-pleasuring and being on your way to that internal orgasm, but I did not touch myself at all. There was no self-pleasure, and it was purely learning or expanding upon that learned feeling of loving yourself to get to that point.
I think that is, for any man that’s going through SMM, to not get frustrated. Because there are some guys in there that go through it and they’re like—they’re like, “Yeah, I got the internal orgasm.” And you’re just like going, [sigh] “What is he doing? What is he doing?”
It was constant dedication to the practices that you taught that finally got me there and that was it. Even thinking about that while you’re self-pleasuring or you’re in that spiritual realm and you’re developing these internal energetic orgasms, that’s something that I would think about. Man, I worked on this and I didn’t give up.
KIM: I always talk about that. If people aren’t progressing at the rate that they want to, they’ve missed something. It’s not that the steps are wrong, the methodology is wrong, it’s like somewhere you’ve got a big block that has yet to be dissolved.
In this case, I love to hear all of this from you that we could say—and this is probably true for so many people—that one of the biggest blocks would be not loving yourself deeply, and not really falling in love with yourself, which then even translates into a sexual desire. Then whatever it takes for you to do that.
If you’re someone who’s been living a life of where you’re not fully inhabiting yourself or your masculinity or your integrity, then there could be a lot of amend-making to do, both to yourself and the people around you. To cross that threshold, bypass or go through whatever alchemy that has to heal—internal shame, regret, where we can then get to a place of firmly owning where we are and who we are.
And we’ve put enough now; we’ve paved the road with enough good karma and enough solid integrity that we can. We’re past the place of feeling regret or embarrassment and standing strongly in pride and proud of ourselves for where we’ve come to and how we’ve gotten there and what we’ve done. That’s the self-love that then kicks it into the other dimension. We’re now in that place where we can achieve these things because we’ve built it. If you build it, you will come.
JIM: To expand on that point and talk about like maybe the struggle that I just had gone through or am going through, I thought that I had built that strong foundation after doing all the work. But there was that one piece missing that wasn’t truth yet. I thought it was true that I’d done all this work, and I love myself and kept telling myself that, but I thought it was true, but it wasn’t truth.
So now, as we get through this challenge, my foundation is so much more rock solid that if something like this happens again, like I know nothing will stop me. Because of that deep love—and like you said, not just love, but being in love with yourself, so much so that you can shed masks and shed performance where you are giving the—zero fucks given. Like how you really describe a Well-F**ked Woman or the well-fucked man walking through life.
My brother sent a meme to the family, and it was like some dude ripping off his sunglasses and walking like this [walking with a masculine swagger] and it was like the family member coming to start shit.
KIM: Right, right. I think I’ve seen that.
JIM: Right. And he said, “This is—” my family calls me Jimmy—“This is Jimmy coming to the holidays,” or something.
What’s happening is that’s radiating. I didn’t say that to anybody, but that level of internal love has raised so much that now the leadership and leading and the polarity that comes with it is now seeping past Meg and other people are noticing.
But I just don’t want people to get this idea that this is some four-to-five-year process. I came in just an absolutely broken human being, and the timeline is so much more compressed for the average man coming in here. I had so much catching up. If you think of it like a race, I was like five laps behind the leader.
I think again, just knowing so many men past and present who go through SMM, they are seeing results during the salon, shortly after the salon. Because their situation is not like mine. I was very honest with myself, and I knew that I needed help, and I knew that I didn’t know how to be all these things because I was never taught and I was just—it was all foreign to me.
When something is foreign to you and you have tons of trauma built up and you have this idea, you believe in this illusion that you’re broken, it took me longer. That’s not typical, right?
KIM: Right. Well, it’s a testament to you—and it’s true, people come into this work at all kinds of different levels. Some people can just speed right through it, other people take longer and it’s a testament to you to really sticking with it.
Look, generally, there’s wins along the way. There’s breakthroughs along the way that keep your faith. Okay, this works. But yeah, to have these larger goals that then take longer than average, I would imagine, would be challenging. But again, kudos to you for sticking with it and realizing that they’re just symbolic of some kind of block.
If you’re applying the tools and the tools work, then there’s just more to plow through before you get those sort of revelations and bigger breakthroughs that we’re all looking for.
Yeah. I think you don’t know what you don’t know and there’s some guys—I would say most guys that walk through here and walk through these salons, they just—they already embody a lot of the masculinity or even if they don’t, they’re ready. I wasn’t ready. I knew that I needed it, but I didn’t know that I wasn’t ready, or it would take this long.
Like you said, there’s wins along the way, it peels back the layers, and then it just like, “Oh, all right. Let’s keep going. Next. Next. Next.” Then you end up being—and anyway—
KIM: Then you end up being interviewed as an All Star.
JIM: That’s right. But here’s the other thing, Kim, too. Like how many times have we heard that it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey. And we’ve talked about so many cliché things tonight, like sayings and stuff. And I know that sounds cliché, but that’s true. Would I have it any other way? Hell, yeah. But I could at least like appreciate and have gratitude for everything I’ve been through.
KIM: [Laughs] Yeah. Yeah. Love it. Love it.
Yeah. Love it. What a great way to round this out, to get to this theme of one of the big Rosetta stone pieces of the foundation. That if that’s not in place in a very genuine, truthful deep way, then you can be doing all the techniques.
And that’s the beautiful thing is that the techniques and the work builds the self-love. So if you’re not there yet, that’s okay, you can get there. You can build it. You can rebuild or maybe someone’s never had it, or it doesn’t know the depths of what that really means. I think most of us don’t because that word, that phrase, kind of means fucking nothing. Like, “You should just love yourself more.” What?
But to really be in love and even then get to like in lust with yourself, because you’re so fucking hot, like deeply, inwardly, you respect and love and adore yourself, that is a whole other level that I don’t think most people ever really get to.
JIM: And I feel blessed and honored that I was able to touch that in this lifetime.
Can I just say one more thing, too, is that how important your salons and your teachings were to me being in this spot right now. Like you were the spark to everything that propelled me to all the highs, the lows, and the trajectory was always up. You were the spark and your teachings, and I can finally—before going through some of this stuff and having the foundation and love, it would be—I would worried about you taking this the wrong way, but I can honestly sit here and say that you were the spark, but I did the fucking work. You didn’t do it for me. And I owe so much to you, but I did the work.
KIM: Well, that’s what I would want you to say. I mean, that’s how I see myself. I’m happy to be the spark but I can’t do it for you. I can inspire you and give you some direction, but you have to do it.
JIM: But that was where I was before this spot and I can say that that was one of the chinks in my leadership armor. Oh my god, what’s Kim going to think? She’s going to think I’m selfish or I’m not giving her credit.
But no, you were the spark. You were the teacher. You were the muse. You were the inspiration. But I fucking did it.
KIM: I love that. Yeah. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It has to be that way. The irony is like sometimes people think they can just watch some videos and like just by watching, sitting down for an hour, that’s going to do it. It’s like, no, get to work. Get to bed, mother-fucker. That’s where your enlightenment and your breakthroughs are really going to happen. There are no shortcuts to doing the work.
Well, maybe there are, maybe I can give you some quantum leap shortcuts, like some quicker pathways. Okay, I’ll give you that. But ultimately, yes, you have to show up and do the work.
JIM: You can’t be scared to stumble and trip and fall. When I was learning about stamina and leading in the bedroom, I stumbled and fell. There were weeks when I couldn’t even get hard because I was like, “Oh my god, the responsibility that I have now that I didn’t know before I had, before I met Kim Anami.”
All these things I just kept powering through and working through it with myself and my wife and you and I wasn’t scared to make mistakes or fail or be honest in the salon calls. “Hey, I’m having this trouble, what’s going on?” or “Do you have any advice or anything like that?”
I would highly suggest that to any guy, to just be open to yourself and to other men in the group when you go through SMM, you’re not going to be perfect. There’s new things that you’re learning and don’t be afraid to stumble.
You know what? You got to strike out so many times before you hit the home run, or whatever the cliché is.
KIM: Yeah. And be willing to be vulnerable, that’s what I hear you saying, too. To show up, to say, “Okay, I don’t know this. I haven’t mastered this.” Which is a hard thing to do, honestly. Like to be admit being a novice in some areas of your life, right? Like to being a learner, especially if there’s people around you who are seemingly much more advanced and maybe it looks like they’re having faster, greater success. I mean, like, “Fuck.” Then you have to like admit, “Okay, [laughs] here I am where I am. I need some help.” So it is a big thing and it’s a brave thing.
Well, thank you, Jim. As always, it’s a pleasure. And you’ve left so many pathways and suggestions for wisdom and how to pull through on all of this stuff. I so appreciate you sharing intimately your journey.
JIM: Thank you so much for having me. It’s always an honor and a pleasure to be with you.
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