The Real Reason Couples Stop Having Sex After Children – Transcript
The Real Reason Couples Stop Having Sex After Kids. It is a commonly accepted and very socially validated reason not to have sex. You have kids, especially young kids. Haven’t had sex in a few years? Of course! You have children!
This is one of the most acceptable excuses that exist. No one will judge you or admonish you. They will just cluck their tongues and nod, often because they’ve been there too, or because they believe this narrative to be true.
First off, having children ought to propel you to have more sex and not less. When a couple is close and connected during pregnancy and they have a positive birth experience, all of this will bring the couple closer together. What deeper level of intimacy can they experience than birthing a baby together? And once you have children, you need each other as the ultimate energy source, sanctuary, and refueling station. Your sex life can give you that.
Rather than the impulse many people have to pull back and go inside themselves, you turn toward each other. You source from each other. However, most couples, in the same way they have unconscious relationships, have unconscious pregnancies and births. They absorb all of the cultural norms and dysfunction and misinformation that relegates birth to a medical emergency and a traumatic event. And so that becomes most people’s experience.
All of the programming they take in from movies and television of women screaming at the tops of their lungs in the most excruciating pain of their lives and then a masked, gloved man struts in to save them and pull or cut the baby out of them. “Here you go,” he says, “I did it for you.”
What isn’t shown in the already inaccurate and horrendously disempowering fiction you see on TV is everything else that can happen in these “delivery rooms.” Women get poked, prodded, cut, drugged, and subjugated. This treatment of women during hospital birth has become so extreme that it’s even got a name for it—birth rape.
Women will flat out refuse certain interventions and they’re done to them anyway. Women are pressured, bullied, and threatened to have any number of drugs and cuts made upon them, all in the name of a doctor getting home in time for his or her golf game. “Got to get this thing going!”
I would assert that nearly every woman who gives birth in a hospital is going to have some kind of birth trauma. Some may be minor and others extreme. It’s so rampant and so severe that I believe this is the main cause of postpartum depression, meaning what is labeled as postpartum depression and chalked up as some kind of normal occurrence after birth is actually PTSD.
A couple stumbles out of the hospital, generally in shock from the shit-show that has happened to them and will likely scar them for life—and especially her—and then they are placated with, “Be grateful! You have a healthy baby. You’re okay, your baby’s okay, your baby’s alive.”
Because of this gaslighting, there’s no room or acknowledgment that any of the ridiculous charade that takes place in most hospital birthing environments ends up being one of the most fucked-up, hideous treatments one could ever endure.
When it ought to be the most pivotal, life-changing, self-actualizing, blissful, and empowering moment of a woman’s life, instead, it gets turned into a massive violation and trauma.
Women are patted on the head and told, as they are lying in bed for the next six weeks with all the stitches in their abdomens and vaginas, that they’re lucky to be alive, the baby’s alive, and they’re healthy. Well, that’s debatable. All of these interventions will mean that she’ll likely have trouble breastfeeding; her baby’s chances of being autistic are greatly increased, and she’s endured major surgery for no good reason. Her body has been hacked up, and so is her sense of self.
Because the rite of passage that every mother needs to go through in order to recall her inner power to mother effectively for the rest of her life has been taken from her. Instead of emerging as a woman in tune with herself and the eons of ancestral wisdom that would switch on her intuition and deep knowing of how to mother, she’s been rendered powerless and trained to believe that she needs the approval and permission of the medical system for every stage of her child’s life.
See, there is a method to their madness. It imprints upon a woman that she cannot do this, and they can.
So what does all this have to do with your sex life? I talk a lot about blocks that hang in the ethers between people. All the unresolved shit that takes up space—this is feng shui of the highest degree—and so much space that makes it impossible to connect deeply because so much is in the way.
And one of the biggest and least acknowledged sources of blocks in a couple who have had children is, number one, birth trauma.
Birth trauma is massive. A foundational piece of the work I do is helping people to see these blocks that have impeded their natural sexual energy from flowing freely. The Anami guarantee is that we all have this energy within us. We all can experience ecstasy and pleasure daily, and all women can have orgasmic births. All of them.
If you are new to this world of women-directed and empowered birthing, I have a number of amazing podcasts on this, including “Birth Orgasms, Intuitive Birth, Trusting Yourself and the Divine,” and “Wild Birth, Conscious and Orgasmic.”
The dysfunction of birthing in such a violent, unnecessary way in order to create income for OB/GYNs has become so normalized that most people accept it. And when you understand more about how humans—and for that matter, any animal—are meant to birth, you’ll understand more how far we’ve come from what is actually normal or natural. If you’ve had a hospital birth where you were injected, poked, prodded, drugged, and cut—look, even the words that I’m using sound like I’m describing a violent sexual assault, or violent assault in general. Oh yeah. Hey, that’s exactly what it is.
It’s important to look at this event for what it is—a trauma. If you are pregnant or intending to have children in the future, I would school the fuck out of yourselves on how to deprogram from all of the negative messaging and conditioning that tells you how you cannot do this, but of course, your OB/GYN can, and cultivate the confidence to leave the system behind. Reconnect to the power and the wisdom of your own body and have the pleasurable birth experience you were designed to have.
In my Sexy Mama Salon, we do just that. We remove all of the fear, loathing, and bullshit that is part of the modern birth experience and bring you back into alignment with truth and bliss. Not everyone who takes my salon commits to free birthing entirely out of the system, but many do. It becomes a given once they see the actual facts about what happens in hospitals.
So it’s not a course in free birthing, per se, but it’s giving you all of these facts about pregnancy and birth and restoring your natural and innate ability to birth without interference and with the most divine confidence.
I want to read you a few quotes from women who have taken the salon because they had once bought into the allopathic narrative of fear and crisis management and panic and came out the other side knowing that they could do this on their own and that, indeed, doing it outside of the system is, ironically, the safer option.
This is from Amber:
“I used to fear birth so deeply, and now I am looking forward to it with every fiber of my being. The salon helped me deprogram my mind and body from believing that birth must be an extremely painful medical procedure where our bodies are insufficient or faulty and reprogrammed that I can trust my body.”
And this from Emma:
“This course has completely transformed my beliefs about pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood, which were all created by my family and people I was surrounded by and the media. I am now so excited about becoming a mother in the future and using the tools in the salon. I have also had my first G-Spot orgasm since starting the salon.”
Here’s Jessica:
“At the beginning of the salon, I knew I wanted to have an ecstatic home birth, but I wasn’t sure about having a wild,” or what we call a free birth, which means without any kind of assistance. That’s no doula, no midwife, and certainly no doctor. You’re at home with, say, your partner, your children, your dog. [Laughs] Your dog can be your midwife.
And she says, “After the salon, I am now sure. There was an internal shift knowing that I don’t trust anyone more than I trust myself, my body, and my partner.”
And Christy:
“My relationship with my partner has improved, and we are having the best sex of our lives.”
[Laughs] Now, that is an essential birth tool, and we will get more into that shortly.
I teach all kinds of techniques to heal trauma, both sexual and birth-related, because one of the most healing things that you can do is to have a pleasurable birth. Meaning women say over and over again that after they’ve had a more normal or hospital birth-type experience, and then they have a more self-empowered, conscious, pleasurable birth, it actually heals them. It’s redemptive. It washes away their previous experiences and it re-imprints them with the self-direction, pleasure, empowerment, and self-actualization that birth ought to be.
Your birth is either going to bring you together as a couple or wedge you apart. If you are clear and clean going into your pregnancy and birth in your relationship, you will deepen your intimacy. And if you had distance between you, then that will be exacerbated.
The couples who struggle with each other and with intimacy after the birth of their children already had issues going into it. I guarantee that.
The way you show up in bed is the way you show up in life, and the way you show up in bed is the way you show up in birth. And one of the best ways you can prepare for birth is to cultivate a superpower couple relationship and to have cervical orgasms. The cervical orgasms are a natural product of having this superpower couple, gourmet sex relationship where you are so deeply connected on all levels, emotional, mental, spiritual, and sexual, that you are united to create a solid container to hold this new energy, which is essentially the alchemical creation of the two of you, and bring it into the world.
But if your connection together is shaky, then your container is shaky and leaky. Your alchemy is wishy-washy. The creative process, the birthing, and the symbolism of the union of the two of you is uncommitted, just as you are to each other.
You might think you’re committed, the way most people don’t know what they don’t know about the power of their intimate connection and what that’s actually meant to do in their lives, which is to fuel every part of their existence.
Doesn’t it make sense that if the two of you are shaky in some way that the representation of your union, as in your child and the birthing of it, would be as well?
The most important work you can do in your birth prep is to elevate your relationship to being conscious and superpowered. Hunt your demons, clear your blocks, and heal your shit both individually and in the collective of your relationship. That is what is going to open the channel for the most clear, clean, and flowing energy to come through because you’ve already set the stage for that.
I teach this relationship clearing and building in all of my salons, including Sexy Mama.
The next really important factor that I think a lot of people don’t consider is the role of the father. In a regular hospital birth, not only does the mother’s power get outsourced, but so does the father’s. Instead of him being the rock that she can lean into and, quite frankly, fucking her into openness—I’ve done a lot of talking about the role of sexual openness, and people have talked for years now about the role of sex and intimacy and opening a woman up in birth. Making love during your birth experience is one of the most powerful and helpful things that you can do. That is the role of the man.
Then, in a hospital situation, another man is taking that role. Meaning he is shoving his hands up the woman’s vagina, penetrating—and look, there can be women doing this. I’ve said “men” a number of times, but obviously there are just as many psycho female OB/GYNs as there are male ones who get into this whole perversion as well. But they’re penetrating her repeatedly in front of the father, no less, while he stands there like a very good cuckold and takes it.
I cannot think of a more demeaning and disempowering experience for a man than watching his woman get sexually abused, assaulted, raped, and violently mutilated, as is the standard procedure in a regular hospital birth.
Do you think I’m exaggerating when I use these words? I’m not. The sad truth is that we’ve been so conditioned to accept this treatment that we normalize it and rationalize it and we Stockholm syndrome it.
And that is the point of this entire podcast episode, that we do this. Then, of course, deep down we know—we know—the insanity and trauma of it, and yet we bury it.
So, let’s say, as the father, you were in the hospital, and you were very unprepared for the shit-show that happened there. As a man, where the fuck were you? Were you protecting her? Did you allow a crazed fiend to hack your woman’s body to shreds? Did you submit to some psycho-asshole’s authority and stand by passively while your woman got raped and mutilated? Because if you think that there was nothing you could’ve done, there was everything you could’ve done and you stood by and you let it happen.
Whether that means that you didn’t take an active enough role in educating yourself about birth beforehand or you just got on your knees and gave your power away during this manufactured crisis, you fucked up. You are the man. You are the protector of the realm and of your woman.
Even in these modern times, when you’ve been encouraged to be a soft, flimsy beta male, the primal knowledge of who you really are and are meant to be still exists within all of us. She knows. You know.
There’s guilt, pain, immense regret, powerlessness, impotency. It may be unconscious, but it will be there. How can it not be? And the way you don’t deal with it is that you might stop having sex with your woman or seeing her as sexual because it’s too hard to go there. And/or this will happen to your woman.
She’ll be struggling with the story that you are being fed, that it had to happen this way and getting raped is just a normal part of having a baby. But deep down, we all know it isn’t. Deep down, even though you may have willingly given over all your power to an outside authority, you know that a man’s role is to protect his woman, to keep her safe, and to stand between her and harm’s way, not to stand by and be a spectator to gang rape.
You may feel profoundly irritated, resentful, and livid with rage with your man and not connect that this is where it’s coming from.
And this event can also spark a change in your polarity. If he’s abdicated his manhood here, then you will likely, as the woman, take on the more masculine directive role in the relationship because you’ve just been shown that he can’t.
And as a man, sitting in your shame, having let your woman down, you will possibly back into a corner and stay there, taking on a more feminine, submissive energy.
All of which exacerbates these issues and diminishes the sexual charge between a couple.
I like to throw a caveat into these discussions to say that if you had a traumatic hospital-style birth, number one, know it was likely not to save your child’s life. That is the lie that they tell you and statistically has been proven to be so.
Number two, this is not to blame or shame any of you. I am simply trying to highlight—and this is for men and women—the reality of what’s happened here and then inspire you to move away from those kinds of situations.
I’m not blaming you because you don’t know what you don’t know. I absolutely fucking do blame your W-H-O-R-E OB/GYNs and the allopathic system that corrals women into these situations. I 100% blame them.
All the information you need is within you. And if you need to be reminded of it and you need to build the faith that all of this wisdom and power truly does exist within you, that is what you learn in my Sexy Mama Salon. The name of the game here is trust. Trusting yourself. Trusting that your body, your cells, have the knowledge of how to do this, just like the way they made your baby, grown from an egg and a sperm. You didn’t do anything consciously to aid this experience, apart from having sex. Your body knows exactly what to do. Your body knows exactly how to give birth as well. It’s only the process that’s been hijacked by allopathic fucking psychos who get a perverse thrill by interrupting a divine process and then taking credit for it.
If getting raped and mutilated is your bag, well, no one is going to stop you. Certainly not your OB/GYN. You are just another notch on their scalpel.
But if you want to create a birth experience that empowers you as a mother and father, which is most healthy and enlightening for your baby and gives it the best chance at thriving in life, that will happen through finding the power within and not outsourcing it to someone else.
Birth is an initiation. It is a massive portal to travel through. The importance of it and the impact of your birth on the rest of your life, and your children’s lives, is massively underestimated. The way you birth is the way you live. And when you birth in power and freedom, you live that way. You love that way, and you parent that way.
When you birth in shackles—and that is metaphorical and literal, because women get strapped down in hospitals—that imprinting stays with you for life of being a slave who needs the approval of others to live and to create anything in your life.
There is another way, and the road map is all inside you.
My Sexy Mama Salon opens for registration soon! In this eight-week online class, we cover all things natural and orgasmic pregnancy and birth. It’s all about how to educate yourself, deprogram, and then reprogram yourself as the powerful portal you truly are. We cover everything from conscious conception, healing, and activating your relationship and sexuality as the ultimate birth container, to blissful pregnancy, birth orgasms, breastfeeding, and early childhood education.
This is the ultimate condensed and euphoric guide on how to use pregnancy and birth as an ascension experience and raise independent free thinkers in the process. And it starts with birth.
You can check out the free preview video series on my website. Go to KimAnami.com, then go to Sexual Savant Salons and click on Sexy Mama.
