Everyone Is Creative: Just Ask Your Vagina!
Sexual energy = life-force energy.
This is the energy that creates new life.
If you aren’t creating babies with it, then you can use this energy consciously as a way to shape and manifest in your life.
This is the ultimate creative power of the universe and it flows through you.
Instead of tuning into this ad riding this wave, most people are totally disconnected from and have disowned this power.
All of my work is about helping you get it back.
One of the common myths out there about creativity—and sexuality—is that “some people have it, and some people don’t!”
Some people are just “born” creative and others, not so much.
Some people “just have” a high libido, and others, not so much.
First off, creativity isn’t just limited to what people might think of as traditionally creative pursuits like art: painting, drawing, sculpting, or writing.
To me, creatively is bringing a stroke of genius and innovation—a way of approaching something completely differently—into whatever it is you are doing.
You could be a creative genius at kickboxing. At gardening. At creating novel undergarments like Spanx and period panties. Inventing the concept of the boutique hotel.
There are plenty of disruptors in all areas—people who went against the grain, and found unique solutions to problems and did things in a way that no one had done before.
Creativity means breaking out of the status quo with a surge of inspiration and being a “wrench in the gears”.
The etymology of the word “inspiration” has elements of “spirit”, as in:
“the immediate influence of God or a god,”
“sudden creativity in artistic production*
We open ourselves up to the divine, to the flow of life.
We are able to rise above the ruts and patterns of the mind—that we may get stuck in—and open to something greater and touch its brilliance.
And let it touch us.
And this is the key: we have to open to it.
The process of accessing this creative genius through your sexual energy is twofold:
- Simply by connecting to your sexual life force, this creative substance now begins taking form, direction and action in your life.
2) By learning how to open and surrender sexually, you are opening yourself up to the divine and to the flow of life.
Over the years of working with people, I’ve been able to see the correlation between stuck sexual energy and being stuck in their lives.
It shows up like clockwork.
Whether they were single or coupled, if they were sexually stagnant, everything else in their lives was too, from their intimate relationship to the extra weight they were carrying on their bodies that they just couldn’t seem to lose, to their vocation and cash flow.
ALL of it was connected.
Their sexual energy was the source, infusing vitality and the Midas touch into every part of their lives.
Or, if they were disconnected to it, then it was acting like a vortex, sucking everything into it.
No one would ever make the connection.
Until they started to get their sex lives back on track.
And then they’d see.
They’d drift away from a job that they’d had for years, that they were subsisting and kinda dying in, and gravitate toward work that was fulfilling for them on an authentic level.
Their intimate relationship would become a source of joy, fun, support and pleasure.
Their children, who had been acting out, were now reflecting the harmony of their parents.
They felt safe and secure in the overarching container of love that their parents now provided for them, as opposed to the leaky vessel that they were before.
The extra “weight” that they been carrying for years, that exercise and healthy eating couldn’t seem touch, was now being combusted away by the power of their cataclysmic fucking.
All of this…
Sourced from the creative and transformative power of their genitals.
Because your sexual energy is your creative DNA blueprint, when you reconnect to it and it becomes the fuel for your life, everything you touch then begins to be a truer reflection of your authentic self.
The decisions you make are guided by this innate truth and knowingness.
You have now touched the secret of the universe—the creative power that lives between your legs—and you have it at your disposal.
NOW do you understand why sex is censored?
Why its true meaning and power are distorted and hidden from you?
Because you are unstoppable when you are fully inhabiting it.
I often use the phrase #poweredbyvagina to show how my sexual energy has created my world.
Even if you read every manifesting book in the world, I would say that you’ll, still be stuck making these ideas—and making YOUR ideas—real out in the world, if you are disconnected from your sexual power source.
It’s the engine and battery that sends your ideas out into the universe.
I credit everything I’ve created consciously over the past 15 years—with my vagina.
I had a couple of pivotal life shifts both 20 and 15 years ago, where I faced my own demons and reclaimed control over my sexual energy to be able to own and and direct it consciously in the world.
Since then, my life, for the most part, is a reflection of all that I want for myself.
I got conscious about my highest visions and dreams, and orgasmed it into reality.
Remember, this is your “pro-creative” energy.
YOU have control over it and can shape it—or else it gets shaped for you.
When you disown your sexual power, you disown your creative power.
This is a great quote I like from Brene Brown:
“Unexpressed creativity is not benign. It metastasizes”
There is always a cost to not expressing your truth, your voice, your power, your essence.
We might think that we can get away with swallowing these things and suppressing them, but they always come out somewhere.
Just like with our sexual energy.
If you suppress it, all that happens is that it comes out in and on the body, or in other mutated ways.
Just ask Catholic school boys.
The parallel between sexual and creative expression is enormous.
And really, they both inform each other.
The more you get turned on in bed, the more you get turned on in life.
And the more turned on in life you get, and you feel that flow and allow yourself to receive pleasure and good things, the more responsive and aroused you are in bed.
It all comes together.
Stifling sexual energy has the same result as stifling creative energy.
I see it all the time, where genitals become the repository of repressed sexual energy, as they “WEAR” all of the unresolved, unprocessed “stuff” that is still hanging around the system.
All of the following “mutations” are symptoms of stuck sexual energy. And I call them “mutations” because I do not believe these are our normal state of expression. I believe they are an imbalance of it.
– Low libido
- Menstrual, PMS and menopausal issues
- Lack of orgasms
- Depression, lethargy, aimlessness in life
- Financial plateau
- Growths and blockages in the breasts, ovaries, uterus — al these symbols of sexuality. People are so cut off from this energy that these body parts are literally being cut off.
- Weight gain
- Urinary incontinence
- Pelvic organ prolapse:
The signs of a lack of creative expression are much the same: Depression, and lethargy, blocked up emotions, blocked up everything.
Creativity is the sense of opening yourself up to the flow of life.
So is sexuality. You are open to being penetrated by life.
How. Do. We. Open?
How do we tap into this sexual creative flow, which is ultimately the abundance of the universe?
So how do you activate your vagina? SO that it become the mover and shaker and creativity maker that it’s meant to be?
- Resensitize it.
I talk a lot about the weak and numb vagina. If your vagina is in this condition—and most women’s are—then you aren’t connected to it, or to any of its pleasure and creative forces.
In order to tap into this creative power, you have to OWN THAT PUSSY!
The two most powerful ways I teach to awaken your vagina are:
- Yoni massage. Loving, healing, and awakening vaginal reconnaissance to get to know your innermost self, to release past trauma and to bring sensation and pleasure back into the vagina.
b) Yoni egg. As THE best tool for vaginal strengthening on the market, the yoni egg is your activator and orgasm maker. It helps you in the same way that yoni massage does, but takes that even further to build muscle tone to give you bigger, better, orgasms, the ability to ejaculate, lubricate like a tsunami—an Anami Tsunami—and make your vagina live in exquisite ecstasy.
2) Have deeper, more powerful, life-changing orgasms
It’s a bit of a Catch 22—you need to have an awakened vagina to have these deeper, vaginal orgasms, and the more of them you have, the more you bring your vagina and yourself back to life.
The vaginal orgasms—G-Spot, cervical and ejaculatory—as opposed to their more paltry clitoral counterpart—rewire you.
They recalibrate you.
They reset you back to your original self, minus the programming and trauma and layers of “civilizing”.
You get in touch with your inner voice, your true nature and the gifts you have to give to the world, your dharma.
This is how and why people often change their life paths when the get in touch with their sexual energy.
More of their true self now bubbles out of them, unstoppable and begins directing their lives.
3) Get in your feminine flow.
Learning to receive.
How much do you let good things in?
Are you willing to receive love, abundance, deep orgasms and a life of daily pleasure and good things happening to you?
For some people, their wiring is otherwise.
They are wired for chaos and strife and struggle.
Often because it’s what they grew up with. This is imprinted in their nervous system and so they gravitate towards it as adults.
Unless they change the wiring.
THIS is the GIFT of your sexual energy.
IT REWIRES you. It helps you to reset.
This is one of the most powerful discoveries I had in having vaginal —cervical orgasms—early in my sexual exploration—
Feminine, receptive, magnetize things do you – fall in your lap because that’s what attracted it.
Rather than slogging hard and feeling like you have to work your ass off, typically more “masculine” expression of achieving in the world, you cultivate your orgasms and your vaginal sentience.
You enliven your sensual energy, your feminine capacity to RECEIVE – all good things — pleasure, cock, the deeper orgasms, abundance and even literal cash.
All from your creative power source: Your vagina.
For today’s Well-F**ked All Star segment, we have not one, not two, but three all stars sharing how they have shaped their lives:
With their vaginas.
I have a couple of short clips from Mara and Robin about their vaginas, orgasms and creativity and then I have a longer interview with Rose on her sexual evolution and how she’s created her life from her vagina.
WELL-F**KED ALL STARS
Mara Well-F**ked All-Star Clip
When I had a low sex drive, I also had a low life drive. I wasn’t super excited about life. The two go hand in hand. I don’t know if that’s true for everybody, but it was for me. When I said I needed this, it was mostly because I wasn’t happy with my daily life, and I knew that if I could nail this, then I would be happier. It’s absolutely true.
All of this work that I’ve been doing sexually and personally has transferred into my daily life. I just opened a bakery, and it’s becoming very successful. I’ve started hosting monthly women circles and having really great results with that. These are things that I never had the drive to do before and I never thought, especially with children, that I had the time and energy to do. But I hosted my first big bakery event when my baby was a week old. Who does that!
KIM: Oh my gosh! Wow!
MARA: I said, “Let’s do this!” I made a hundred cinnamon rolls, and we had a great time, and everybody said, “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” And I said, “Oh yeah, that’s right; this is not normal.” And it’s because I was having orgasms. I have the energy, and so I’m going to use that energy to do what I want to do. It’s fantastic.
KIM: This is so epic because you’re talking about starting the salon at eight months pregnant. So you had maybe four weeks or so before you had your baby. Oh wait—you said you gave birth five weeks early.
MARA: I did.
KIM: Holy moly! Just a week into the salon.
MARA: A week into the salon, yeah. [Laughs]
KIM: Oh my gosh! [Laughs] So you’d only been doing this work for what, two to three weeks?
KIM: Oh my gosh, you really are a vaginal and epic superstar. You were doing this work for a few weeks. I’m just reading some of the stuff that you’ve written—you’d only had clitoral orgasms in the past, and even those were few and far between, and then you had your first cervical orgasm on your birthday when your baby was six weeks old!
MARA: On my birthday! Yes, it was pretty exciting. I did not know what to expect because I didn’t know what a cervical orgasm was. I was sobbing, and he said, “Are you okay?” I said, “I think so!” And then I just sobbed for 20 minutes and it was amazing. I was changed. Yeah, that was a pretty good birthday present.
KIM: That was a very beautiful birthday present that you allowed yourself to have. I love it. Now you’re in a place where you can have five cervical orgasms in one session.
MARA: And now I’m welcoming him in with my extremely gushing pussy. I’m trying to find the best words to describe it. My pussy was off-line pretty much my whole life. Now, she’s ready and gushing and I’m wet almost all the time now.
KIM: That’s how I describe it to people; they get to a place where they are wet all the time. If we look at the pussy metaphorically, it’s this idea of being receptive to life. Being receptive to being penetrated by life or being penetrated by a cock. That is the metaphor we kind of embody in this full way; the pussy is sort of always open, always available, always ready.
That’s how we become toward life. The way you describe having these intimate connections and moments with anyone. With strangers, with people you meet out in the world; there’s just that much of a deeper level of openness and capacity for intimacy, both in the psyche and emotions and in the heart and in the pussy. Because of that, the pussy is in this perpetual place of being wet and ready.
MARA: Can I share a funny story about that?
MARA: Probably a few weeks ago, I said, “Honey, I need sex basically all the time.” And he said, “I just can’t keep up with you.” I said, “I’m kind of frustrated.” And he said, “Well, I don’t know what else to do.” I started to realize what was going on with me. Why am I hungry all the time? Why am I never satisfied?
But then I started tuning into my pussy and realizing that she’s throbbing constantly. She’s just awake, alive, and hungry all of the time. I said, “Well, I don’t necessarily need sex all of the time.”
I started breathing in that energy as you teach us to do and using it toward creativity, toward other things, and it’s really funny; it kind of calms down that frustration and that intense, all-the-time drive, realizing that this is what it feels like to have a turned-on pussy all the time. “I am driving down the street. I’m at a grocery store.” Is there something wrong with me? No, this is just what it feels like. I’m really getting used to that feeling, and it’s wonderful to feel turned on all the time.
Robin Well-F**ked All-Star Clip
And here’s Robin.
KIM: When you were talking about this lower chakra stuff, what do you think that, overall, as a Well-F**ked Woman, it has done for the rest of your life? I would say that would breed a level of confidence and unstoppability in a woman. In addition to that in your life, how else do you think these extra layers of really deep, powerful cervical orgasms have changed you and your expression out in the world?
ROBIN: Ooh, that’s a big one. It has changed so much for me, honestly. It has a pretty incredible ripple effect, I really believe. It’s funny when you talk about FUKME. If I’m starting to get in a bad mood, my husband will look at me and say, “Do you have a case of FUKME?” [Laughs]
It’s all funny in a very personal way of what I’m experiencing, but also how it affects the way we interact as humans. In one of the feedback things, I talked about the spiritual aspect, which is a huge, broad thing to explain, but I really believe that this piece that you’re teaching is the one missing thing for humans in our spirituality.
I’m an artist, and I sell clothing to women. I hand-paint clothing. I’ve got my little booth, and I usually travel all across the country and do big festivals and yoga festivals and stuff.
Your course shifted my whole desire for what I was doing. It was more about being able to try to give pleasure to women through a second skin.
Just because of what you’d been teaching me, I was more rooted in my pleasure. The interactions that I was able to have with women on that level—I had women in tears telling me the most beautiful, vulnerable stories. They’d say, “Why am I talking about this?” [Laughs] Or they’d get dressed and say, “I’ve never felt this good!” It was so, so rewarding.
Your journey of finding your own pleasure and then learning to share that with other people is a ripple effect. Not only is my personal life changing by being able to have orgasms, but there’s a ripple effect of affecting other people in my spectrum, whatever the work may be. I didn’t think I was going to feel like a healer by dressing women with certain designs in clothing, but they just end up expressing their innermost dreams because it starts that conversation, and that feels really amazing.
I feel like if everybody was forced to go to a school like yours—“Screw college, gap year; everybody has to go and learn about their vaginas and their cocks!” [Laughs]—we’d be a happier world! I truly believe that.
It’s pretty awesome to see the immediate effects. The more you work here, the more it’s reflected in the people that you meet.
KIM: And it just infuses you. You become this vehicle and channel for this energy of sensuality and owning yourself and creativity. I always talk about the connection between sex and creativity. What have you noticed about that?
ROBIN: Oh yeah, absolutely. I had bought an art nouveau 1800s hand mirror. I imagine it was held by a courtesan, and so I would go into my studio and I’d pussy gaze. I’d talk to my pussy before I’d start painting these clothes for women.
Artemis was one of the goddesses that I worked on this summer, and that was kind of infused into my clothing. Nobody thinks about it; clothing is a second skin, and you just go shopping at Target and say, “Who cares?”
I saw women in Polo shirts and jeans—I’m from the Northeast and that’s how women dress—and they’d put on this organic dress and say, “Oh my God!” [Laughs] I felt so good being able to share that creative juice. Because it is. It is super juicy.
It’s very obvious when you’re disconnected. I went through some really, really challenging times with my teenage son and so much drama. I fell off the wagon, so to speak, and it was kind of amazing to see, with the lack of practice, with the lack of breast massage, I had my first bad period right after. I’d had two or three months of just sailing and then all of a sudden stopped the practice and didn’t want to have sex because I was so angry! [Laughs]
My husband kept looking at me and saying, “I think Kim would tell you the problem!” But it’s incredible to see the effects. It’s a whole realm of self-care that most of us don’t know about. You think that you’re just having sex to connect with a person, but it’s so much more than that. So much more.
Rose Well-F**ked All-Star Interview
And now we’ll hear from Rose.
KIM: Hello, Rose! Thank you for being here as a Well-F**ked All Star!
ROSE: Hi, Kim. Thank you so much for having me. I’m very excited to be on this call with you and so thankful and appreciative for all of your teachings and all of the beautiful influence that you’ve had on my life.
KIM: My pleasure! I’m always happy to be part of this journey with people.
Let’s chat about some of your evolution over time in studying this work and the impact that it’s had on your life. There are certain things that you’ve shared with me that I’m going to throw out here, and then I’d love to hear you elaborate more on them.
I know that in diving into this work and exploring a more conscious approach to your sexuality, you’ve had changes in your relationship. You’ve also had changes in your relationship with yourself, your work life, your overall life, and so this is really about showing people what happens when you sync up with and become the conscious director of your sexual energy; that then shows up in all areas of your life. Yes, your intimate relationship improves and evolves, but so does every part of your existence.
Let’s start with your relationship. You talked about having sex maybe on average one to three times a week and then going to more than daily. [Laughs] Tell me about that change.
ROSE: I think I’ll start off by saying my relationship was good. It has always been what I would describe as good, with strong chemistry and passion between us and radical honesty and emphasis on connection. Our friendship is really more important than our relationship in terms of loving each other more than we need each other and all of those good fundamentals.
It often surprised me that sex wasn’t perfect, even though it always was very good. I think I just always assumed that wasn’t an area on which we focused energy and attention, which obviously seems so strange now. As though it should be perfect without any tending or learning, without really giving it time and space.
I think your recommendations about weekends or times away or just consciously focusing time and attention there seem so simple and obvious, but it took a little changing of habits and of practices. And it has been so worthwhile.
I think when we leave it for weekends or for when we’re not working and the kids and other people in our life don’t need us, then it becomes last. Starting over again from the beginning feels like a point of zero velocity, needing to reestablish a connection. When that happens only on weekends, it’s hard to build progress and to get to the really good places. I’ve noticed a very clear three-to-four-day limit. If I go that long without, I’m sort of starting from scratch again.
I’m living life from a different place now. It’s one where there’s just so much more energy to go around and joy and creativity and ease. The effects on our relationship have been that we’re not working so hard to come to a point of pleasure and connection. We’re always there, and that point just gets deeper and deeper or higher and higher. And there’s this reservoir of passion and of energy and of support and juice and sustenance that we can offer each other and then share out into the world. It seems like our relationship is of so much more service to each other, to our families, to our patients and our work and our communities.
KIM: I love that. The idea that you become the source of sustenance for each other is really the core of my work. We plug into each other. I think what you said earlier is very true for most people, particularly because of the lack of messaging that we have in our culture; it’s like your relationship should magically just work in some way, and you don’t really have to tend to it and nurture it and put energy into it. And then people are shocked when it falls apart [laughs] or becomes less enjoyable, rather than consciously looking at it like anything else that needs time and love and attention.
You’ve also mentioned that your cervical orgasm quotient has increased, so tell us about that.
ROSE: I think I’m still a little shy talking about these things. [Laughs] I think I’ve had cervical orgasms previously in my life, but it was infrequent. Maybe a few times a year. It was sort of this mysterious joy. Now I’m able to have them regularly and use them as tools for my healing, processing old stuff and just sort of for daily maintenance. That’s been a real game changer.
I found most of what you teach to be extremely true and powerful, especially the connection between the cervix and the heart. The hallmark of cervical orgasms for me is my heart opening and feeling like my vagina reaches up to my heart, and everything in between those spaces is clear and free flowing. My heart can be open to my partner, to the world, and I’m able to love and accept so much more easily.
I think about that a lot as practice for living—accepting and welcoming and falling in love with what is. What comes to me is the blessings, the opportunities, the challenges, and more and more, myself, and that is a beautiful tool to help me be in that state of openness and turn toward something that feels challenging instead of turning away from it.
KIM: Can you elaborate on using cervical orgasms to process things?
ROSE: The process of approaching a cervical orgasm feels like doors opening, sometimes like a car door or lots of doors, and sometimes with mirrors on the doors. There’s a tight spot, and if he stays on it, then that opens and releases and there’s kind of a new space or dimension. And then there’s another door, and that one opens and there’s another one.
Sometimes it’s vague, but very often it’s connected to either before or after the door opens—a memory or a feeling or an impression of something else that’s happened, or just a feeling. It feels like clearing through debris and feelings and stored up emotions or reactions to what’s happened in my life. There’s been some grief recently; a close friend’s son died at a young age, and this has been an opportunity to process, to vent a loss, and the resistance to loss and the resistance to losing our children. I have used that as an opportunity to release attachment or prepare for death and separation, which I think is a worthwhile practice for us.
The pathway to cervical orgasms is such a useful path to be able to identify the things that get stuck in us that we might not have noticed before and then release them. I appreciate those practices. I also have a Wim Hof practice and find there’s a similarity, a sense of relaxing into it.
I think cervical orgasms and opening toward them is a wonderful method. A very uniquely powerful and fun method.
KIM: I love the way you’ve articulated all of that with such depth and insight because in my work, I talk about the value of vaginal and cervical orgasms to liberate women, to help them to grow, to shed layers of stress, pain, trauma; it’s one of the greatest—if not the greatest—personal growth tool we have. It’s unique to us as women.
When people say, “Oh, clitoral orgasms,” I answer, “No, no, no. The good stuff is in the vagina.” The life-changing orgasms are in the vagina, and once they learn how to utilize them and understand their true power, women don’t go back. They might still have clitoral orgasms, but they’re just not achieving the same thing.
ROSE: The best part about clitoral orgasms is opening the way to the others.
KIM: Right! [Laughs] Yeah, definitely, and that’s how I usually frame them; they’re great appetizers. They’re great to start to rev the engine up; they’re just not the final destination. The big myth and misinformation is to frame them as though they are, and that’s what then really does a disservice to women.
ROSE: I don’t know if cervical orgasms are honestly that pleasurable for me. It’s kind of beyond pleasure. I think it’s more a shift in the state of my being. Yes, there’s pleasure, but that’s not really the benefit of them.
KIM: I think on my journey, originally, they were a process of cleansing. Going into them, having them, was not the same pleasure as a clitoral orgasm, but it had its own cleansing purpose. Then afterward is when I felt most of the pleasure. Feeling as though I’d had a really good cry and then feeling bliss.
Later on in my evolution, after I cleared a lot of stuff and was able to use them as this really powerful tool, then yes, they became full of ecstasy and pleasure, but originally, they were there to help me move through stuff that was stuck within me. The “issues in our tissues,” as Wim Hof says—that helped move that stuff out of the way. Once that stuff was out of the way, it opened the door for more pure pleasure. But before that, they were helping me to get rid of the debris and clear out the space.
ROSE: I definitely agree. Yeah.
KIM: You also touched on this idea of falling in love with yourself and said somehow this process really brought you back to this place of putting yourself first and strengthening the relationship that you have with yourself.
ROSE: I think that’s been one of the most surprising parts of my experience in The Well-F**ked Woman. I decided to take the course a month or so before it started.
I had been a little frustrated with my husband in our relationship for failing your seven-day or 30-day sex challenges, and so I decided to do one myself. There was a podcast that you had on the self-love challenge, and I failed miserably. And I realized it was not all his fault; it wasn’t his lack of commitment or anything else. I was a big part of it, too. I thought, if this is something I want, I need to look to myself first and foremost and look at why. What’s hard about this? Why wouldn’t I do this?
I think I always have had good self-esteem and been good to myself and manifested overall great relationships and great experiences, but I definitely had limits there, and I think the biggest shift in the course was falling in love with myself. It’s something I hadn’t even considered I would do. I liked myself and had good self-esteem, but that’s different from being in love with myself and having a relationship with myself that was like a courtship or treating myself with the level of tenderness I would give to my beloved.
This is something that I had been aware of since a mentor of mine said we’re limited in our ability to love others by how deeply we love ourselves. I was surprised at how hard hearing that hit me because I thought that I was loving myself.
I guess in so many different ways, I realized that has been a theme for me. I had sought to change that, but when it came to actually physically loving myself and making love to myself, I’d been avoiding it or had been having an immature relationship with myself. I thought that I could go straight into self-pleasuring without connecting deeply like I expect my partner to do before we start touching each other. I had so much to learn about being my own lover, and sometimes it feels like I’m turning the lighthouse of my heart inward. I think I am good, and my husband says my unique superpower is loving. I’m really good at loving other people, but including myself in that love has been hard for me.
I also think that my family and maybe even my culture are very focused on loving the other more than the self. It’s actually been quite a theme in my relationship. My husband is really good at loving himself and putting himself first. I didn’t think that was really the best way of living before [laughs] and slowly learned that actually, it is. Our ability to love ourselves really does enable us to love others more fully, and it just keeps manifesting for me.
It’s been a challenge for me to accept love. It’s been especially helpful in my ability to mother and in my relationship with my kids. I have two girls and a boy, and especially for my girls, I think women are so often the caregivers—at least in my family and in my experience, although my dad does this, too, making a pattern of self-sacrifice for service to others. There’s absolute beauty in that, but when we include ourselves in that care, as well as others, then there’s just so much more left to go around. I’m now modeling that for my children, as well as being able to be more fully present for them because I’m tending to myself.
Again, I just have this positive feedback that’s fueling me, my own health, my relationship, my family, my bigger circles of working in the world.
KIM: That’s beautiful. I love that. The concept of loving ourselves and nurturing ourselves can be glossed over. We hear it so much, and it’s easy to just say, “Yeah, yeah, right. I know I’m supposed to love myself,” versus the way you described it with your husband, “He’s really good at loving himself and putting himself first.” I think that encapsulates it because some people do it really easily, as you said. I do think that the cultural conditioning for women is to be the caregivers and free labor, whether it’s physical labor or emotional labor that doesn’t have a cost or value or compensation, and that becomes a place where women reflexively put their needs aside and offer up service.
And as you said, there’s an element to that which is noble and beautiful, but there’s also another element that is detracting and which can make women feel invisible in who they are because they keep putting themselves aside to be of service. It’s lovely that you’ve identified that and had this shift in yourself.
ROSE: I definitely have had that pattern that you describe. Especially after becoming a mother, it’s so easy to launch into the day caring for your needs and just getting into a relationship with these beautiful beings that come to us.
And then also in my work as a healer and in training, being in patterns of sleep deprivation and extreme lack of self-care, what was big for me was forgiving those patterns of self-betrayal and of being hard on myself. Because we realize, “I’m responsible for this; I’ve made all these little micro-choices that have led to a life that’s out of balance with health issues that need to be healed or just a lack of pleasure, not living in the space until I’m in my forties” or whatever it is. I think once we do shine that light and start engaging in the relationship, especially in self-pleasure and actively, sexually loving ourselves, the blocks that have come up for me have been a lot of accepting and forgiving myself in the choices I’ve made and then trying to do things differently.
Learning to meditate, realizing when I’ve strayed off that path and then gently forgiving myself again and coming back. The more I celebrate, the more I’m able to see that and make a different choice about big things and little things.
KIM: I like what you said about the micro-choices that lead you down a path, especially with the idea of self-betrayal. Every time we say yes to something we want to say no to, or we say no to something we want to say yes to, that creates this pattern. It reinforces that energy of self-betrayal, versus the choices we can make that self-honor. I think women are taught to put aside that voice and ignore it, and that’s where I think that conditioning comes in, even calling women names, “She’s a bitch!” What? Because she stands up for herself?
There are different definitions of what that word can mean for people in different circumstances, but I think there is kind of a negative connotation for a woman who will stand up for herself and take what she wants and be who she is. There might be ways in which people do that so that it feels overpowering or domineering, but there’s a healthy way of doing it that can be applauded and celebrated. I think women have to push for that reality to happen, more so than men do, for sure.
ROSE: And I think that when it comes out of a place of honesty and self-love, as well as love for the other person, it doesn’t have that irritating energy as much.
And when it comes from a place of insecurity or aggression, it does.
KIM: Yeah. That’s a very good point.
I talked about the symptoms in the physical body being a reflection of some kind of inner disturbance. If women are experiencing things like yeast infections or PMS, those aren’t just random physical things that happen to us; they’re an indication from the higher self that there’s some way that we’re living or making decisions that’s out of balance. Rather than the Western approach of just trying to dominate the body and suppress the symptoms and look at them as part of life and ignore them or deny them, we look at them as messages from the higher self to say, “Okay, where do I need to shift my focus or acknowledge myself?”
You had experiences with both of those symptoms. How did that shift for you?
ROSE: I think it feels like a continuum to me; as you say, the messages from the body are that there’s something we’re not seeing. There’s something going on. It’s like a call for attention and integration.
I think I’m pretty good at ignoring my body or tuning out and dividing my attention from pain or fatigue or things like that to an unhappy level. I think those have been really useful skills for me to build and to use, but I’ve over-applied them.
Yeast infections are a very clear sign now for me. They have been a difficult issue for me in the past, and at times they will come back. I almost—not quite—but almost can smile at them now and welcome them back. I don’t quite enjoy them enough to do that yet, but they’re just a reminder that I’m not tending to myself. I’m not resting enough or taking good care of myself. I’ve overextended myself.
If there’s a problem in our relationship, something I’ve been upset about that I’ve not brought out, I think your advice for couples in that respect has really been helpful to us.
But it’s harder with myself. It’s much more common that I’ll get into a negative pattern with myself than I will with my partner.
A bigger experience for me has been in healing chronic illness. Embarrassingly, as a healer, I had Lyme disease for years before I really understood what was part of that. I had been very sick with it for a big chunk of my life. The big helpers have been including myself in my love, prioritizing my own joy and pleasure and fun. I think that’s probably the biggest factor that made me susceptible in the first place and that prevented me from healing fully. That still kind of weakens me. It kind of catches me down—not loving myself or not including myself in the love and the care that I offer others around me.
KIM: What would your interpretation of PMS be?
ROSE: Being under-fucked. [Laughs] Easily. I think I get a little PMS if four days pass. It used to be Thursday morning. If we hadn’t made love since the weekend, Thursdays would be a really hard day. Thursday PMS-ing, especially if I was around my husband. If he wasn’t around, I could sort of suppress it, but as soon as we got together, there was an energy of not feeling loved enough.
Again, I think that’s been a big reflection of me not loving myself, and taking responsibility for that has been a big game changer in our relationship. I’m not reflecting this all on to him. I’m owning it and loving myself. I’m not needing him to do it all for me and to be my savior. I’m being my own savior.
KIM: Yes, beautiful. I love it. You’ve described places in your outer life where you’ve seen these changes, but I know there are specific places where you’ve talked about making different decisions and really channeling your creative energy out into your world and different life path decisions that you’ve made. So tell us more about that. Because you said you’re now homeschooling your children; you are building a community outside of the system; you are building a new home…
ROSE: Yes. I think that the creative expression that most interests me now is this idea of manifesting our reality, and I think I always was interested in that. But when it really became a priority was as I was becoming aware of how those micro-choices and thought patterns and feelings were manifesting in my outer world, and I started taking some responsibility for that, shifting that more consciously. I turned my inner dialogue into intentions and into a conscious, creative process.
I think those manifest most readily to me in my health and in the health of my children and my family, in our practice, and in our community. I think this is a time in the world when a lot of people have been able to change, willingly or unwillingly. Initially when the COVID shutdown happened, we all got to pause how we were living. For me, it was a great opportunity to see what we wanted to do differently.
The biggest surprise was how much I love having my kids at home. I had never previously been excited by the idea of homeschooling, and after that, I slowly began learning about it. You had a podcast with Dayna Martin, and that also opened that pathway for me.
But the biggest realization was how much of my kids’ lives I was missing that I might never have realized. And I realized how little of the time they spent away from me was learning or was quality time. I realized how much of a negative effect that was having on our time together and as a family, whether it was rushing through the evening to get them in bed on time or waking them up and rushing them out of the house. All this rushing and this recovering from what happened before and preparing for what was coming next. Instead, what we got was all this beautiful time in the present, together.
My daughter said, “I’m learning so much more in just two hours a day than I was at school.” I actually found my journal from when I was 12, too, and I was remembering how much time was spent waiting. That really was the beginning of learning to live my life on other people’s terms and ignoring what I wanted to do or squashing the things that were most important to me into these small chunks of time in my day, instead of being able to explore and dive deep and luxuriate in them, which came occasionally on vacations and other times.
Having planned retreats or conferences or classes and courses for adults, I thought, okay, we have the opportunity to design our lives and design our education and design our schedules instead of responding to how we think we should plug into the world around us. Since we do have this chance, how can we do it optimally? What a wonderful opportunity to have.
That’s continued to develop and deepen over the last few years. We were part of a Waldorf School that was really lovely in so many ways, and we had a lovely community there, but being able to plug into that so easily robbed us of the opportunity and the necessity of creating our own community and finding our own networks and our own connections and our own resources and our own spaces together.
It’s been a beautiful opportunity to be able to take what we’ve learned and keep some things the same and change other things, and it just continues to feel like such a blessing.
I’m currently working outside of the home much less than I ever have, hardly at all really, spending a lot of time with my kids and other kids, their friends, and supporting them in their endeavors in the world. I hear a lot of people feeling pessimistic for various reasons about how things are going, and spending time with these kids—it’s so much hope and optimism. There’s so much creativity and beauty and freedom. When I get stuck thinking something is a problem, I see how they breeze through it and just have a totally new idea that is so simple, yet it’s so brilliant at the same time. It’s just so much fun and so inspiring and gives me such a sense of peace and confidence in the future.
KIM: That’s lovely. You also talked about building a new home and taking a break from your medical practice.
ROSE: Yes. Somewhat logically and somewhat symbolically, buying or building a home became connected to having our first sex retreats or honeymoon trip. I really started digging in and following after your podcast about the sex vacation. We had two or three trips that we planned and scheduled, and then they just sort of fell apart at the last moment. I sort of knew that was symbolic of other things and was very frustrated about it, and at the same time, I was kind of curious about why our attempts at having a more permanent home weren’t being fulfilled.
There was a night toward the end of the trip when we had a lot of wonderful orgasms and times connecting, and we worked through a good, deep layer of issues that were between us. We were in a really connected place and shared some of our intentions underneath the waxing moonrise on the beach one night. Those intentions were all super-powered and coming out of that place of togetherness. That manifested within the next month and has continued.
The way the new home happened was with such ease. It manifested in a way that was even better than I could have expected or hoped for. At that time, at least one of our kids was still in school. I was pretty sure we were going to homeschool and that we would be able to manifest not only a strong curriculum and a balance between unschooling and a curriculum but also support the learning and community for our kids. And that’s also just manifested. I think their social lives and their interactions with the world outside have become so much stronger since we’ve been homeschooling.
Again, I think it’s because those things aren’t being forced on them at a time when they would rather be in bed; they are clear expressions of what they want. They’re interested in connecting and learning and creating with others and meeting others and collaborating with the world.
Also, after a many-year journey of ups and downs with health, things have been just so much stronger and easier since then. I think in many ways that one might not think are expressions of sexuality or sexual play, it affects our life. I think part of this is your teaching and your suggestions of thinking about showing up ready to make love. I think that’s a big connection for me between your work, my sexual practice, and the rest of life. And that’s with my husband, with myself, and with life. To me, that represents bringing all of myself to everything. When I make love, I feel like I need to be fully present, but in other areas of my life, it’s been normal and preferable to leave my sexuality behind.
When I bring that, it’s a way of helping me be whole and integrated and avoiding these patterns of disassociation and separation.
KIM: I love what you said about you guys having extended sex dates and the power of extended sex dates where there’s more pleasure and more connection. I talk about the dimension of sexual energy being creative power, and the more extended sex that we have, the more marathon sex, the more three-hour sex dates, the deeper we can get into that power. What you described—was it the waxing or the waning moon?
ROSE: The waxing. Just between new and full.
KIM: Great, going into the full moon. Being in that really charged place where you are super deeply connected; you’ve come out of hours of gourmet sex; you’ve had that really sacred space with each other, and then there’s the creative power of that.
That is one of the biggest messages that I strive to communicate to people. I’m all about having sex for pleasure. It’s fun and it’s great, [laughs], but it’s also this creative power of the universe literally at your fingertips, and what you’re describing is you guys tapping into that and then how quickly these things manifested in your own life when they were sourced from that place of very deep, intimate connection.
ROSE: It’s really phenomenal.
KIM: It is. It’s a phenomenon. I think you’ve described that really well. Is there anything you want to talk about in terms of your work and that process?
ROSE: I feel like there’s a lot of learned behavior and patterns of really not showing up ready to make love and wanting to shift those things. Time dedicated to myself has always seemed like a very selfish choice, and now I know it actually enables me to be of greater service, which is something I strive to be. I feel like one of my purposes is to be a portal of healing for myself and others and to kind of help this world through this time of transition. I now believe that can only come through bringing my whole self along. It comes from a place where I am able to make love and have my heart be open like a big cervical orgasm in all my moments and not just segregated into one small area.
I feel like when I have been able to be in that space, manifesting and helping my family and my community is so much easier. There’s no work or striving involved; it just flows.
KIM: You’re describing this energy of being open to the world, open to making love to the world. It’s a sexual openness, but that extends out into how you interact with the world in general. There’s a level of openness and receptivity that then makes you a greater creative vessel and channel.
ROSE: Yes. Definitely. I think if I’m not whole and acting from that place of wholeness, how can I help others get there? I can be with my partner, sure, with my children and with my friends and with my patients and with my kids’ friends. When I’m able to be in that state of oneness, that helps everybody. That helps me see the oneness and the wholeness and the health in them, and I think that in and of itself helps them see it in themselves, too, and helps us experience it together.
KIM: Beautiful. Is there anything else you’d like to add that you feel we haven’t covered?
ROSE: I think when I look at my shyness still in talking about sex and self-pleasuring, it comes from this cultural conditioning. I don’t think I have much of “sex is bad” in me, but I do have that it’s not important or not that worthwhile or frivolous. Even masturbating—thinking it’s sort of a waste of energy and resources and is not real work and real service. I think when we ignore those areas, they affect the rest of our lives in ways that aren’t healthy and conscious, and they reflect the state of our sexuality.
When that’s ignored and suppressed and disassociated, that shows up in areas in the rest of our lives too. It’s not just that these things are a part of us that’s healthy and good and nice, but they’re crucial. It’s like the engine in the car, or a womb. These are absolutely essential aspects.
It’s a crucial, fundamental, beautiful, powerful priority in our healing. There are not that many teachers on how to go about this, and you do it so beautifully and so wonderfully and make work that’s really hard accessible. You break it down into simple steps and make it easy for the rest of us to follow behind you. It’s hard for me to imagine situations in which it’s not beneficial for people to do this work. I would encourage anybody listening to take a dive in and explore.
KIM: Wonderful. Thank you so much, Rose, for sharing. I know you said that you still have some shyness, and you did beautifully in expressing these deep concepts.
ROSE: Thank you so much. Thank you for the opportunity.
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