Honesty: The New Lube – Transcript
Honesty, the new lube. One of the Anami cardinal rules is: No lube for women. Because all women, at whatever stage of their lives, are capable of producing their own natural lubrication. Yes, all women, at every age and stage. Yes, that means menopause, perimenopause, pregnancy, postpartum, all of you.
These are real words from real women who have taken our salons.
“An increase in wetness to tsunamic proportions.”
Tsunamic is one of my all-time favorite adjectives.
“Now, all I have to do is talk to him on the phone and I am dripping, on my knees.”
This is a 61-year-old.
“I am wet, wet, wet, 100% wetter. I had foolishly started to believe that with menopause at 51, there would come dryness.”
She now knows better.
And another one:
“I am constantly aroused and wet. I love my juices and can have an orgasm without touching myself.”
How do you like them tsunamis? This is the normal state of vaginas for every woman. What’s not normal is going through gallons of artificial lube and thinking it’s normal to need it to have sex. It’s become normalized, but it’s not normal.
If all women are meant to be gushing geysers of lubrication raining down on all, what’s happening? Why aren’t women tapping into this internal and external reservoir?
Despite the lies that you’ve been told that having a wet vagina has nothing to do with being aroused, this is indeed the truth. If you’re wet, you’re ready. If you’re not wet, you’re not ready. It’s that simple.
There are two components to being ready. The first is physical, meaning you need more touch or a different touch. Instead of rushing to the act of penetration, how long can you prolong? If you waited until you were gushing wet, what would that look like? What would you need to get there? Do you feel comfortable asking for this and talking about it with your partner?
Or do you feel guilty if too much time is spent on you and feel like you just need to get on with it, so you reach for the bottle of lube?
The biggest problem with lube is that every time you use it, you are overriding the voice of your vagina. Assuming that what I say is true—and of course, it is—that if you aren’t wet, you aren’t ready, then every time you use lube, you are forcing your vagina to do something it doesn’t want to and isn’t ready for.
What do you think happens to your vagina? It goes numb, you dissociate, you disconnect, it shuts down. This is partially what leads to degenerative conditions like incontinence and POP, pelvic organ prolapse, when you are so disconnected that things literally start falling out of you. Or they get cut off because you are so cut off from them.
The second component is emotional. How connected are you with yourself, your own emotional state, your body, and your vagina? And how connected are you to your body and your vagina and to your partner? Do you feel open and close and like you want nothing more than to let him inside of you?
Or are you going through the motions, not letting out what’s inside? Not speaking your truth and communicating what’s really in your heart, mind, and vagina?
In Anami Land, open and clear communication is a foundational practice in the work and play we do. Everything is written on the body. It does not lie.
If your vagina isn’t wet, it’s telling you something about the current state of affairs in you and in your relationship. Even having an argument at breakfast time that you haven’t resolved yet can show up as a lack of lubrication later on in the day. I used this analogy in last week’s podcast episode about libido.
Now multiply that by 50 unresolved arguments or 500, and all that shows up in your bed and in your vagina. It will feel numb, unresponsive, and this is actually trying to tell you something, which is that we need to clear space before the door will open.
What is the solution? Honesty! It’s the new lube. Everyone is doing it, at least in Anami Land, because it is the permanent solution to your arid woes built from the inside out. You will never need another bottle of lube again, except for anal play—there you can use all the lube you want.
There’s an amazing quote I love. “If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
The source might seem paradoxical in this instance, but it works. It’s from verse 70 in the Gospel of Thomas.
I’m telling you that the lack of your liquid flow isn’t because of your hormones or the stage of your life or anything physical other than having a weak vagina. That is the only physical cause of lack of lubrication, which is a lack of circulation, and it can be easily remedied by using a jade yoni egg.
The main reason you aren’t flowing is because you aren’t flowing.
We have countless stories of couples who have been estranged, and they sit down for these clearing conversations and really hash it out, and they can’t even finish the conversation because their hands are all over each other, their clothes are off, and the conversation has been taken over by their bodies. This happens all the time.
Unlock your inner flow and you will see geysers. The reality is, you cannot fuck when you are stuck. So un-fuck your stuck and you will again fuck. These are wise words by Kim Anami. And more wise words by today’s Well-F**ked All Star, Rachel. She is a font of wisdom. Why? Because she has opened up the fountain of her vagina. The lube is coming, the squirting is coming, and the creativity is coming.
***Honesty: The New Lube Well-F**ked All Star Interview***
KIM: Hello, Rachel. Welcome.
RACHEL: Hi, Kim, thanks. I’m glad to be here.
KIM: I love to hear about the shifts that you’ve been having. Why don’t we start with talking about your sex life with your partner, what that was looking like, and how it evolved?
RACHEL: Yeah. I think it’s interesting—when I think about our relationship, I love to start when we first met and got together and got married. I would say the first couple of years were fantastic. We’ve always had fantastic chemistry. There’s a lot of polarity and a lot of good sexual tension in our relationship, although we’re very, very different from one another.
But I think that was part of what brought a lot of that. We weren’t afraid of the differences, but as life got more difficult and children were added and stresses from work and all the things that happen as your life goes on, the communication faltered and our relationship died. We were in our separate corners, and it’s interesting—both of us always bring up this point that before we found your work, we had been to three different marriage counselors. We had just decided that this was the best it was going to get, and it was not that great. We didn’t know where everything had gone.
KIM: He didn’t know either?
RACHEL: No. It was just talking. That’s, I guess, one of the things that we’ve learned and that we love is that it’s not about the talking; it’s about the sex. It’s about the fucking. That’s literally what makes the biggest difference, and any time we find ourselves drifting apart—and we do have a very busy life with lots of different layers and stressors.
When we come back together and we have sex, we are striving for that gourmet sex that you talk about where it’s not just a quick, “I’m halfway asleep and I grabbed your dick,” and it’s just bam, bam, bam, and it’s done, but even if it’s not that long, we are present and intentional with each other. We talk a lot about that. It changes everything.
We realized that the real secret sauce wasn’t sitting in an office with somebody talking more about our problems, thinking more about our problems, discussing why our problems are our problems, working on communication, so to speak, it was getting back to where this all started. That was with that physical attraction, and it’s amazing how the conversation and the communication and the working on the problems flow from what we create from our sexual experiences.
That is totally the engine for our relationship, and it’s just grown from there. There’s no question about it. But the sexual relationship has been the transformative power for our marriage, and people can see it. People know it. We feel it, and we know immediately when we’re off.
KIM: I love that. How would you say you got back on track then? You went to these other people and said that they just wanted to talk in the office, but some of your unlocking was through communication. So what was different between what they were suggesting and what you guys were able to apply through this work of openness and honesty? What was the difference that shifted and clicked for you guys that made it work?
RACHEL: That’s a really interesting question. Again, I have to give a plug for the sex. I feel like it always starts and ends with sex. But once that was established, instead of discussing our problems, when you talk about clearing the glass, people might think that’s the same thing as discussing your problems, but I don’t think it is. I think our clearing the glass sessions are sitting down and being really open and honest with one another, but for the purpose of coming to a reconciliation or an understanding with one another. It’s not about the problems anymore. Which is what I felt like a lot of our therapy was about. “Well, you hurt me in this way,” and “You don’t understand where I’m coming from.”
It’s not that we don’t discuss our difficulties when we are clearing the glass, but it’s like this: We both come together, and it’s like we want this pain between us clean. “I’m going to share with you what I feel is my issue. I’m also going to bring up to you what I feel like I’m seeing from you, and then vice versa.”
Then it’s like, “Okay, we’ve got this out. Now let’s go fuck it out and everything will be okay.” And it sounds simple [laughs]—and I’ve heard you say this with other people before, but until I experienced it, I didn’t believe it—but there are full issues that we don’t even have to discuss if we are having good sex with one another, because we just communicate with one another on a level that is not verbal. It’s not to say that we don’t discuss issues. There are lots of serious things that we do have to sit down and have those really serious conversations about.
But there are a lot of things that I think we could go down this rabbit hole of complaining or blaming each other about. Instead, it’s just like the alchemy of our experience together physically and with his penis in my vagina, or us playing with one another, or just having those orgasms that are amazing. We finish, and it’s like, “Were you mad? Was I mad? I’m not mad, and you’re not mad. Okay. Well, great.” [Laughs]
It’s just—poof—gone. I would never have believed it if I hadn’t experienced that experience for myself. It’s happened multiple times. I know that if there are things that we just can’t necessarily come to terms with, or maybe I’m just feeling the qi about something, we have great sex, and then it’s like, “Oh, that doesn’t even bother me anymore.” [Laughs]
KIM: I love that. I’ve heard other people share that as well, that if they’re having enough good, cleansing, restorative, rejuvenating sex, it washes things away. The issues don’t build up, so you manage to address a backlog of issues and current issues and also prevent future issues.
Then couples who get in that groove and are having regular great sex talk about how, okay, so maybe they’re normally having sex every day on average. Maybe four or five times a week, and then they go a few days, two or three days, and they start getting a little bristly with each other. They realize, “Oh, hang on, we haven’t had sex in two days. Okay, get to the bedroom,” and problem solved.
RACHEL: Absolutely. It’s so great. I can’t tell you how many years I would wake up and just feel like my marriage was a drain and a weight on my shoulders. We’d go to counseling, or we’d try to work things out, and I just felt like it was a spiral, going nowhere.
Now, I wake up in the morning, and I really think, “Hurray! We get to live today! We get to work through things together, and tonight we’ve got a special treat coming up in bed.”
I totally know what you mean when it’s been a couple of days and your whole body can sense, “I’m not connected with my partner, and I need that connection.” It really is everything for our marriage and our relationship; it is absolutely vital.
I remember we were laughing the other day because it’s been particularly stressful lately, and we’d only had sex twice that week, and he said something about, “We’ve only been having sex twice a week.” And I giggled and said, “For most people, that’s really good odds.” [Laughs]
But for us, it’s like, “Only twice? What in the world? Where’s our head? Where are our heads? We’re definitely not focused on what we know nourishes our relationship and each other.”
KIM: Tell me about your journey with lube and how that plays into all this for you.
RACHEL: When I started having sex, that was part of it. Here’s some lingerie, this is what an orgasm is—although all anybody talked about was a clitoral orgasm.
KIM: If they even named it. Normally they just say an orgasm for women.
RACHEL: Right.
KIM: And for years, I’d be saying, “Well, which one are you talking about?” and then just had to assume that they were all talking about clitoral orgasms. Then I had to start educating people, “No, there are different kinds.”
RACHEL: Right. Yeah. Exactly. If they even knew it would feel good, okay, what does that mean? And then they’d say, “And this is going to be your best friend. This is the lube.”
I do have to say, when I look back on it, I’ve always been someone who is naturally pretty lubricated. I remember even before I got married, I would masturbate or get really turned on, and I was always quite wet. So I remember after a while thinking, Why am I even using lube? If I’m getting revved up here on my own, why do I even have to use it?
Now, when we struggled in our relationship, looking back on it, I did end up using it more and more. But I realize now, it’s because we didn’t have the emotional and spiritual connection, and that’s what would get me wet.
I’m trying to remember; there’s something that you had said—oh, I remember. I actually wrote it down. When you were talking about the technique of the G-spot, the “come hither” with the fingers, you said. If the technique is correct, why isn’t every woman having these orgasms?
I just felt like, okay, if I’m not connected to my partner emotionally and spiritually, I will dry up. It’s not just a physical thing. It’s not just, “Oh, he rubs your nipples here,” and if he dances around your inner thighs here, you’re going to get wet. It’s so much more than that. If that was all it took, every woman would gush. But they don’t.
But I didn’t realize any of this until I first took Vaginal Kung Fu a couple of years ago, and that’s when I realized, that’s the secret sauce. It’s the relationship. It’s the connectedness. It’s the honesty with one another. If that is there, then he can rub my nipples. Then he can rub my inner thigh. Then he can blow on my toes and I think, “Oh my god!”
So, as far as giving each other massages, yoni massage, lingam massage, yeah, we’ve got oil there, but other than that, I don’t even want to use it. It’s sexing organically. I just want us and our bodies there. I don’t want anything else there as a part of it.
And it really is. If you can connect emotionally and spiritually and then physically, I think for me anyway, that’s how my body responded.
KIM: When you have some breakthrough in your sharing or you feel some distance, and then you unite through really honest communication, you build up that emotional intimacy vulnerability, you notice, okay, the floodgates are open.
RACHEL: Oh yeah. Oh, oh yeah. [Laughs] Yes, definitely.
KIM: Because you’ve said that in your process, you guys could start having sex and that would help process some of the emotional problems that you might be going through, or issues, or whatever, blockages. But what if a couple can’t get there? Some people come in, and they’re really estranged and so they’re not ready to have sex. So the only thing they can do to get there is clear a bunch of these blockages that are between them.
When you guys sat down to have your initial conversations, you were already in a place where you felt like you could be sexual. Right?
RACHEL: Yeah. We had definitely worked on our relationship, but what you’re asking is, do people feel like they need to be doing that emotional work before they feel like they jump into the physical intimacy? Is that right?
KIM: Yeah.
RACHEL: Yeah. Absolutely. Is it possible to have sex when you’re angry? Yeah. Have we done that before? For sure.
What keeps coming to my mind here is that in my journey of opening up to him and being completely emotionally open and available, I had to learn how to surrender. That’s a section of the Well-F**ked Woman that hit me the hardest. Because I didn’t realize all the different ways in which I sabotaged the relationship by not surrendering in all these different little ways. I didn’t like the way that he talked to one of the kids, or I felt like he was criticizing the way I was doing things. You name it, and I would get really upset about it. But then I would internalize that, and I wouldn’t talk to him about it.
The combination of actually having to be honest enough with him to tell him what I was actually feeling if I was pissed off, instead of just internalizing it, and then getting really angry, and then having to decide that I was going to let him be the yang and I was going to be the yin. I was going to surrender. And it started to become a game. In every way that I could, I’d try to figure out, “Well, how can I surrender in this scenario? How can I surrender in this situation?”
We have gotten to the point where I fully allow him to order my meals whenever we go out. And we’ve been out with friends before, and they’ll say, “What the heck?” Because it does seem a little patriarchal to sit there and have him say, “She’ll be having this.”
But the point that I’ve brought up to my friends is that he knows what I like. And perhaps before we go out, he’ll ask me, “What are you feeling like tonight?” But it’s his thought and his care, and then giving him that masculine opportunity to just say, “My woman is going to have this,” and—ding—he’s so right. [Laughs]
That even brings us closer together and makes it fun. We have so much fun with this.
But another example, which was actually a lot bigger—we had a certain situation come up, and it was a big decision that we had to make. He wanted one particular thing, and I was super uncomfortable with it. We talked about it for a couple of months, and I just remember sitting at a stoplight one day and thinking, “This is where you have to learn how to surrender. You’re okay surrendering with your meals. You’re okay with surrendering in other ways. But this is a big surrender. Are you willing to do that?”
I remember getting really emotional and calling him up and just saying, “You know this situation?” He said, “Yeah, we’ve had a lot of glass clearing over this.” And I just said, “I’m in. You take care of it. I trust you. I will go. I will follow you. I will do this thing.” And he said, “Are you serious?” I said, “Absolutely.”
It took him a couple more times to really believe that I was being honest, but I think we had been honest enough with one another over the last eight or nine months, so when I said, “I’m surrendering,” he knew it wasn’t, “Fine, I’m just going to let you do it.” Because that’s a totally different vibe. It was, “I love you. I know how much this means to you, and I trust you because you’ve been so consistent with me, and even though I’m scared—and I know you know I’m scared—I totally trust you. And I’m in.”
I talked about his cock getting bigger, just like his chest puffing out, but that was another one of those clearing things.
KIM: Yeah, so what happens when you give that trust to your man, and I say that really is the biggest thing that unlocks a man—when a woman surrenders and she genuinely trusts him. So tell us. Explain in great detail what changes you’ve seen happen in your man when that takes place.
RACHEL: He is the biggest he can ever be.
KIM: Big where? Where is he big?
RACHEL: In the cock. Right down there. In my mind, I’m thinking, “Are you going to burst out of your skin?” [Laughs] And he hasn’t. But he’s so proud and feels so loved, and I’m so happy, and I can feel the difference. When I’m holding his cock or having sex with him, I can feel that. I know. It’s like I know that I have helped him reach the greatest heights that he can with his cock. Then you give it a couple of strokes and go for it, and it gets even bigger. It’s fun.
That’s the thing; even though these are serious things, it makes it so much fun. It’s super enjoyable. But yes, he gets bigger than he is in a normal situation, and I love it, and he loves it. It’s so cool. I don’t know what else to say.
KIM: And the power is in your hands.
RACHEL: It really is. [Laughs] Yes. It makes me want to do it even more and more. It makes me want to surrender more. It makes me want to try to do things more to please him. I don’t feel like I’ve lost any power at all. In fact, I feel more powerful than ever. It’s a mind-bender. I don’t know how that works, but it really is just like it’s the hand in the glove feeling. It’s like we match.
KIM: That’s beautiful, and I think that’s completely accurate and reflective of the process of this really deep cultivation of trust and surrender with each other.
You mentioned the most important part about the cock growth, but what else happens with him? You mentioned this expansion in the chest. How is he occupying his masculine energy more after you’ve really occupied your feminine energy? You’ve given this even deeper level of surrender. There’s this pendulum yin/yang swing, and what else does that look like in him after?
RACHEL: He is more confident. He is more self-assured. He’s already a great father. But when he is occupying his masculinity, it’s a joy to watch him parent, and he feels more successful at work. We’re both more turned on all the time. It’s like he could walk in and just walk by and just walk behind me and brush his hand over my butt, and I’m thinking, “Oh yeah!” It’s thoughts of things to come.
You’ve given examples in some of your classes of men who have felt emasculated in situations and in their relationships where they’re just shriveling and shrinking and not growing. When I have intentionally surrendered and tried to show him that I’m doing it because I care, yeah, his chest grows, and his confidence grows. I feel like he feels like he’s even more of the man that he wants to be. More than he already is.
KIM: Yeah. If you had to quantify that cock growth, how many inches would you say?
RACHEL: [Laughs] I’d say a good three-quarters of an inch to an inch. I think that’s pretty awesome.
KIM: Pretty awesome.
RACHEL: And literally it’s like a mental thing. It’s like he’s feeling the love, he’s realizing how much he’s cherished, and it’s [makes an inflating sound] and it just grows. [Laughs] It’s like a plant. [Laughs]
KIM: Yeah, I love that. Okay, getting to know your yoni. Tell me more about that.
RACHEL: I brought my mirror in. [Laughs]
KIM: Beautiful.
RACHEL: Yeah. Yoni gazing was totally transformative for me. In full disclosure, I have really large inner labia. Really large. I always felt super awkward about it because nobody ever talks about that. Most people don’t even know that there are inner and outer, and my inner labia seem like they’re the outer labia because they’re really large.
I remember after having kids and stuff, I had seen my yoni and thought, “Oh, it’s just so ugly.” I can’t believe now that I actually thought that about her because I think she’s absolutely gorgeous.
But it literally was taking a mirror and sitting in front of it and staring at her. Great massage, yoni reconnaissance, visualizations, and things like that helped me when I wasn’t sure. “What am I supposed to do here?”
But I’ve come to adore her, and I do feel like she is this separate, sentient part of me that has her own voice and inner compass, and I trust her now. I feel like she trusts that I’m going to listen to her.
I’ve even taken some pictures of her and just sat staring at her and thinking, “You’re absolutely beautiful.” And it was interesting to me to talk to a few friends I felt comfortable bringing it up with. I think I told you this. I said, “Have you looked at it before?” They said, “No. I don’t even know what mine looks like. I couldn’t even pick mine out of a line-up if it committed a crime.”
I feel like I now know every inch of her, and I know which side is a little longer and how she reads into the vaginal opening and her color and what it looks like when the clitoris grows, when it’s excited versus when it’s not. It’s really cool to feel like I know that part of myself, and I have a relationship with that part of myself.
Honestly, I think that nobody should be afraid to have a relationship with her because she does more for us than just about any other part of our body. It’s like she’s the center of our joy. The center of what brings us pleasure and joy and makes life super enjoyable.
Yeah, I am so up on yoni gazing. [Laughs] Super big fan! Ten out of ten! [Laughs]
KIM: Self-knowledge for the win.
RACHEL: Yes, for sure. Self-knowledge. I just think it’s cool that I know what she looks like. I could pick mine out of a lineup. [Laughs]
KIM: Amazing. How about your orgasmic journey? How did that go, and did you discover any new and exciting orgasms?
RACHEL: [Laughs] Oh my heavens. Which one isn’t exciting? I will say, I never really had a problem orgasming. I feel like I came to the table and I knew how to, but that was a clitoral orgasm. I knew how to clitoral orgasm, and that was always very, very enjoyable.
But I remember hearing about G-spot orgasms and thinking, “Okay, that’s something that I want to work on. But then it really was in your work where I was introduced to the cervical orgasm and even the anal orgasm and nipple orgasms. That’s really where things totally changed for me.
The first time I knew that I was having a cervical orgasm, it lasted 20 minutes, and then after that, it just kept going and going and going throughout the rest of the day, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. “When can I have another one of those?”
It was the same thing once I finally learned how to squirt through the G-spot. That was the last thing that I actually could do, I guess. That took me a while, and I realized—and my husband did too—that the squirting was really all about the final frontier of surrender.
He would have to use the finger stimulation. I couldn’t do it to myself, so I had to trust him, and he had to get pretty rough with it, and he would ask, “Are you going to be okay?” And I’d say, “Yes! Keep going.” [Laughs]
Then when it finally started coming—something happens, like I don’t know, hormonally or when you squirt. It was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. I find myself wanting those now. My body craves those, and how I feel afterward is light, loving, like the best version of myself.
Again, it sounds too good to be true, and it doesn’t come easily. There’s a price you have to pay to get to these places. Like you say, you have to do the work, you have to go to bed, but it’s just life-changing.
Then I had to say at first, I thought, Anal orgasms, really? Are we really going there? But as we talked around it, discussed it, and then started trying it out, it became one of my favorite things. All of them, I think, bring these—how do you put it—undiscovered parts of who you are and integrate them back into your whole body, into who you are.
Because there are definitely things that I understand about myself and that I’ve experienced from anal orgasms and cervical orgasms and G-spot squirting orgasms that I didn’t know about myself before this.
Then the best is when you combine them all together, and he enjoys being a part of that experience just as much. There are times when I ask, “Are you good?” And he says, “Oh yeah, I’m good. Thank you for the show.” [Laughs]
But I don’t know. It’s hard to explain how it changes you on a real fundamental level. If you’re willing to get past how you might have been taught about sex or what you think about it, being afraid to talk about it, being afraid to share with other people about it, being old enough to be honest about it, you get there, and it really does change you, and it will change your relationship with yourself, and it changes your relationship with your partner if you’re in a marriage or a partner relationship.
But yeah, all those different orgasms; it’s not even a good, better, best. They’re all fantastic in their own way. I don’t know what else to say about it. They’re just fantastic. [Laughs]
KIM: I love how you articulated this. When you talk about different parts of yourself coming up, coming through, the coming, is there anything specific you can think of? Like an encounter that you had and a behavior that changed afterward? Or a part of you that seems different?
RACHEL: Yes. The first one was, I think, the real lynchpin for me with learning how to surrender in life, specifically with my husband, but just in life, learning how to squirt through the G-spot. I really struggled with being afraid of a lot of things in my life, saying no to a lot of things to protect myself, thinking there was something to be afraid of.
But learning how to just completely open up and surrender, I feel like now I say yes to more things in my life and more things appear in my life that I want. I attribute that directly to learning how to have those orgasms and how to squirt and what it meant for me.
I know some people don’t have a problem with learning how to squirt, and it comes very naturally, but it didn’t for me, and that really was the final frontier for us. When I finally learned how to let go, it was actually scary at first, but once I had that experience and felt what that was like, it was like “That’s what I want in bed and in life. Anytime I can do that, I want to do it,” and then that feeling follows me in life.
It’s not that I live this perfect life where all the things that I want happen all the time, or I’m not afraid anymore of anything, but I can always go back to that feeling and help realign myself. “Remember? You’re a fuck-yes girl. Even if you’re scared, you do it. That’s okay. If you fail, that’s okay, because you can always go back to bed. You can do that again [laughs] and then go back out and try it again.”
I think that is one specific example. The other one is an anal orgasm. That one, I don’t know. That just broke me wide open. I know you talk about being the pain in the ass and like they’ve got a stick up their ass. I think that learning what anal orgasms do—now, when I’m angry, there’s nothing like having an anal orgasm. That will dissipate my anger faster than anything.
A lot of times when I’m angry in my relationship or I’m angry at my kids or angry at just anything, that will dissipate anger faster than anything. Suddenly, I feel soft and loving and like everybody is the best person in the world.
I feel like there are very specific things that those different orgasms do, and I could talk about cervical orgasms too, but those two really stand out to me as changing me. I can do something now that I couldn’t do before because of those experiences with those orgasms.
KIM: That’s amazing.
RACHEL: It is, right? [Laughs]
KIM: Yeah. [Laughs] Tell me about your relationship with your nipples.
RACHEL: Oh, I love them. [Laughs] I can have nipple orgasms. But my relationship with them really developed through having regular daily breast massage, which is something that you taught me, and that’s something I rarely miss.
I feel like the more I spent time with my nipples and got to know them, they became my BS-o-meters. I feel like they guide me in a good direction. I don’t even know how to really describe it, but they’re like these little antennae saying, “You’re going in the right direction in your life,” or “Maybe you shouldn’t really trust this person that much,” or “That person isn’t that good for you,” and it’s like the nipples are saying, “Stay away, stay away.”
KIM: How do they communicate with you?
RACHEL: I can feel it. I wear bras sometimes, I don’t wear bras sometimes—it depends on the scenario and the situation. But I try to, as often as I can, not wear a bra because I get a little tingly in my nipples. I don’t know how to describe it. I sound like I’m crazy.
KIM: It’s cool. I’ve shared about this too, that you can only really tune into it with a minimum of fabric on the nipples. So not wearing a bra or anything tight or compressing and then just feeling your breasts, your nipples, your areola, are free to breathe and be.
And they really do act as an antenna. When they’re bound up in a bra, and then if you’re putting wire in there, it’s like an electrical interference field that distorts the signal even more. So carry on, because I’m validating that it’s totally true.
RACHEL: [Laughs] Yeah. Well, and also, the bras that I have now do not have any wires in them. If I do have to wear one, it’s definitely not a wire bra.
But I don’t know, they’re just little truth tellers, and they guide me in the decision that I need to make. It’s not like they’re saying, “Hello, this is your left nipple. I don’t think you should trust that person over there.” But it’s just the feeling that I get. And then in my mind, I work through the feeling that I’ve got from them. But it’s a sensory way to get information about my life and the things that are happening in it.
I’ve done it enough now that I feel like it is a thing, and I can trust those feelings that I get from the breasts. They’re amazing. [Laughs]
KIM: Love it. Is there anything else that you want to touch on, these skills that you picked up through this work and connecting to these parts of yourself? Anything that’s significant that you still want to share?
RACHEL: I’m just trying to think. Well, I will say one of the outward things that I noticed was that, by doing this work, I lost 40 pounds. I think it took about two and a half to three years, but I feel like my body responded in a way that just diet and exercise wouldn’t have had that same effect. I feel like the body was saying, “We’re shedding all the yucky, the difficult, the anger, the feeling left out or lonely or just all those negative things,” and the weight has just consistently come off to the point where I feel like I’m physically in the best shape that I’ve ever been in my life.
It’s amazing what orgasms will do for your core and your whole body. [Laughs] I don’t know. It’s really amazing.
And yes, I did exercise, and yes, I do try to eat healthy. I’m not saying it’s the only thing, but that was the silver bullet that put it over the edge and made all the difference.
The other thing that I was thinking is the MMC, the meditate/masturbate/create—I’ve seen that over and over again make a huge difference in the things that I pursue in my life. Things that I never would’ve even thought were a thing, suddenly, after meditating, masturbating, and creating, I realize, “You know what? I’m going to take this college class, this extension class, to become a master gardener,” and I never even thought of that before. Now it’s one of the things that I do. That came directly from that process of meditating, masturbating, and then creating.
I’ve had answers to difficulties with things with my kids through that process, and it’s a really helpful tool to just refocus and reground myself in life. It’s really vital. It’s become a really regular part of my daily routine. It’s helped a lot.
KIM: As a coupled person, do you still do meditate/masturbate/create as a solo endeavor, or are you practicing that with your partner? Meditate/make love/create? Or both?
RACHEL: Yeah. I do more solo. We have occasionally done meditate, make love, create. But I think what usually happens is we will do MMC ourselves, and then we’ll talk about it. We do talk about our personal sexual experiences with one another a lot. We share. We’ve gotten to the point where we really do share everything. That is something that even though, yeah, I’m in a relationship, that’s my personal tool that I like to use.
KIM: So how important is that then? It sounds like your yoni gazing practice, your MMC, meditate/masturbate/create practice, these are things that you’re still maintaining as solo self-exploration, getting to know thyself, even in the midst of a sexual partnership.
It sounds like that journey of self-reconnaissance has been, and continues to be, an important piece of the collective as well.
RACHEL: Yes, absolutely. Because I don’t feel like I can show up to my partnership in the same way when I haven’t done my own work. That’s, I think, what it comes down to. I remember another thing that you said. I have a couple of things that I’ve written down that I think about all the time. One is, “What makes a woman irresistible? Self-love.”
I feel like so many women don’t love themselves. So many women don’t appreciate the beauty of their bodies and their personalities and their gifts and their talents. It’s just like MMC and all those things, the yoni gazing, or the breast massage, are an opportunity to honor myself and who I am and who I have become through this, and who I’m still hoping to become on a regular basis.
I’d love to say, “Yes, I do them all every day without fail,” and that’s not the case. But at least a couple of times a week, I am trying to do each one of those things at different times.
I feel like it helps me to become a better me so that I can turn around and be a better member of my partnership. The same with my husband. He realizes he has to do the same thing, and we weren’t always doing that. But especially through clearing the glass and talking about these things, he’s also recognized, “Yes, this is something that I need to do as well.”
I think you have to do your own personal work. You have to develop your own self-love in order to really be able to love unconditionally that person who you’re married to or in a partnership with. That is what helps me do that.
KIM: Amazing. Is there anything else you’d like to add?
RACHEL: Another thing that you mentioned is how the universe rewards courage. That really has helped me become the fuck-yes. Because when you say no, nothing changes. But when you say yes and you’re courageous even when you’re scared, or you’re not sure how it’s going to turn out, something will shift in the universe, and things start opening up. Including your vagina. [Laughs]
Both my husband and I agree that these classes and your work have helped our marriage more than anything else that we can name. We’re just super grateful for what we’ve learned and how it continues to grow and develop in our relationship and how it shapes us every day.
KIM: Fantastic. Thank you, Rachel, for sharing all of this. It’s amazing. You have such a glow; you really do have that well-fucked glow. It radiates out of you.
RACHEL: Well, thank you. It’s a great glow. I love it! [Laughs]
KIM: The best beauty treatment ever. The best seven-step skin care routine, yeah, beauty hack. What’s the newest injectable? The newest injectable is cock, and you should be getting a lot of it, girl.
RACHEL: It’s a penis. [Laughs] It really is. No ifs, ands, or buts. That is the very best thing.
KIM: Amazing. Thank you so much, Rachel.
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