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What Everyone Wants in Bed

I frequently talk about what the recipe is for gourmet sex—meaning, the kind of sex that elevates you and changes your life.  

You need two things:

1) Emotional openness

2) Sexual vulnerability

In other words, you need to be getting naked on both levels.

A Durex study out in June found that a whopping 96% of men and women said the top factor for great sex with them was being emotionally connected with someone.

92% of 1000 people surveyed, also said that seeing their partners vulnerable was a turn on.

To define it, emotional openness is when you let your guard down. You let someone inside of you. You let them see your light and dark, and you readily admit the fallacies of your human ways. Sometimes it’s awkward and we may have a bred-instinct to paint better-looking pictures of ourselves.

Yet the truth is, we are more attractive, more loveable in our vulnerable states.

I remember being about 20, and coming off a drunken evening. I was sitting with my very new boyfriend by the seawall in the city I lived in at the time.

I was pouring at my flaws and my struggles at the time, which seemed monumental to me. We were far enough into our relationship, that it was time to share these things because not to would be dishonest and would create blocks. But not so far that I was sure he wouldn’t be scared off.

After letting it all out, I felt cleansed.

But also a little nervous.

I asked him what he was thinking.

He said two things that to this day remain some of the loveliest poetry anyone has ever uttered to me:

“One.” (And he said it like that. With numbers and everything). “You are very strong.”

“Two. You’d be easy to love.”

I melted and loved him for seeing the deepest parts of me. And accepting them.

Sexual vulnerability has a few levels with it. There’s an aspect of it which means owing your sexual self. It’s not easy to do in this culture. You have to work on it. We grow up disowning our sexuality. Usually.

You have to feel comfortable with your body.

You have to be wiling to let someone see just how deeply you desire them. Just how hard your cock gets when you walk in the room. Just how wet your panties have become from a telephone conversation. You need to let you body speak without censorship.

You need to let someone see how humbled you are by their beauty.

I remember a lover who was very eloquent. Charming. Oscar Wilde would have loved him.

He kept lavishing so much praise on me. Body praise. Mind praise. He didn’t hold back. And I could see how enrapt he was.

It only made me desire him more.

“How can you be so unguarded and share all that with me?” I asked him.

He shrugged. “It’s the only defense I have.”

Contrary to what we’ve been taught, vulnerability is strength.

Even though I always talk about this stuff, I was pretty blown away to see these results in a survey. When we respond honestly, we all admit the same thing:

We all want to love and be loved.

Opening to that love leads to the hottest sex.







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9 thoughts on “What Everyone Wants in Bed

  1. Kim, of all the beautiful topics you write about (and I so love how you write), this one has moved me the most of any.
    To tears of joy.

  2. Beautiful! Going in my favorites. I can’t think of a single person who shouldn’t be subscribing to what you have to share with the world. I tell people all the time. Namaste.

  3. this is incredible. so true. we all want nothing more than to love and be loved….
    and vulnerability is strength in the purest form

  4. I would agree – you are very easy to love 🙂

    one of my favourite articles of yours of all time (and I’ve been following since the beginning). Great insights, highly personal, beautiful pacing, and shivers through multiple paragraphs. Loved it.

    Thanks Kim!