TRANSCRIPT – How Casual Is Casual Sex?
In this episode, I’ll be talking about:
- Casual sex vs. gourmet sex
- What’s the impact of casual sex
- 9 reasons why to go f**k yourself instead
- The false liberation of The Pill
- Do you need many partners to be “experienced”?
- Are men and women built differently for casual sex?
What IS casual sex?
A mutual agreement not to go deep. To have sex without emotions.
To place barriers between yourself and another person so that you don’t become attached to them, even when you are quite literally attached to them.
You expose parts of yourself—the most intimate parts—but try to act like that means nothing and “you can’t touch this!” even though you be touching it all over.
“Casual” sex is actually a massive contradiction and oxymoron.
It’s an illusion.
Because sex, by its very nature and definition, is anything but casual and inconsequential.
We’ll get more into that in a moment.
The whole idea of “casual” sex is entirely opposite to the kind of sex that I teach people to have:
Sacred. Profound. Life-changing.
All your walls are down and you are deeply connected.
In fact, the secret and most key ingredient for life-changing sex is vulnerability and total surrender.
THAT is the kind of sex that changes your life.
THAT is gourmet sex.
When you fully open yourself to someone—heart and genitals—you tap into the magical, creative super power that is the life force energy of the universe.
The cosmic connection that you create in a relationship like this allows you to unleash your super powers.
The transformative and enlightening energy that is the heart of conscious sexual union is yours to inhabit and wield anytime.
In becoming deeply well-fucked, you become un-fuckwithable.
I speak to this idea more in my Conscious Monogamy podcast in show you HOW to do it in my Coming Together for Couples Salon.
When you are just fucking for the sake of fucking or to have an orgasm, you can still get a certain boost from the neurotransmitters and hormones you release—after all, sex is the best acupressure treatment going, given that you have a map of the reflexology points on both male and female genitalia—but that high is usually short-lived, like a sugar high, and has no long-term value.
Hence the reason why people need to “bust another one out” so soon.
This isn’t deep nourishment. It’s superficial instant gratification that leaves you hungry for more.
However, we live in a time and place where casual sex is and has been glorified for decades.
We’re bombarded with it constantly: in media, pop songs, movies, TV shows.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: If the institutions and corporate media are embracing and pushing an ideology, you are not the resistance.
You are not the rebellion.
You are the agenda.
But when it gets packaged as some kind of pseudo-freedom counter-culture, people eat that shit right up.
To be clear my thoughts and feelings about casual sex are not borne out of any kind of moral judgment.
I don’t give a fuck who—or what—you decide to consensually do with your body.
My apparatus for decision making is always:
Does this give me energy or take it away?
Does this somehow make me a better, more self-actualized version of myself?
This is ultimately the great, barometric question I ask everyone about sex in general:
Does sex leave you feeling energized, transformed, ecstatic and like it changed your life?
If not, you are doing it wrong.
One way of having sex helps you to become more conscious, awake, alive and connected to yourself and the world at large.
And the other, is about going un-conscious. Checking out, escaping.
This is the difference between “junk-food sex” and “gourmet sex”.
A couple can be married for 30 years and be having junk-food sex—the kind of sex where one or both of them just want to “get off” and get it over with as fast as possible so they can both pass out and go to sleep.
So we could say that casual sex is, a form of junk-food sex.
Because by its very definition, you are deliberately NOT trying to go deep, expose yourself and open up.
My work doesn’t apply to casual sex.
When people take my online salons and e-courses, the single people will sometimes ask me if they ought to go and find a partner for the purposes of doing some of their homeplay.
In my classes, I give homeplay for singles and couples.
Granted, there are some technique and exercises that can’t really be done solo—I’ve had people ask me if they can practice deep throating on a dildo or banana—but the idea is that for these practices, you have this information at the ready for when you do meet someone you’d like to go deep with.
In response to the “casual partner” question, I tell them not to bother.
There is plenty of “know thyself” homeplay they can be focusing on in the meantime.
Engaging in it will help them to address their own pattens, blind spots and sabotaging mechanisms in relationship, to level up their vibration and help them to attract a higher-caliber partner in their future.
But they can’t do that if they aren’t occupying the most high-caliber versions of themselves.
So the advice I give them is to “go fuck themselves”.
Fuck themselves thoroughly, artfully, and heart-fully.
And then see what incredible magic unfolds in their lives.
This goes for men and women alike.
For men, the most important sexual skill they can have is stamina.
Men need to be able to have sex for a minimum an hour without ejaculating.
Focusing on this when you are single, is an epic way to build your sexual magnetism, boost testosterone, and increase your cock and overall confidence.
Guys, you can check out my Sexual Mastery for Men Salon.
Women need to focus on reconnecting to and strengthening their vaginas, typically with a jade yoni egg practice, and getting to know thy-selves and vaginas in all the ways.
My Vaginal Kung Fu and How to Be a Well-F**ked Woman Salons go into all this for women.
The best way to do this when you are single, is by practicing on and with YOU.
Not wasting time and energy and valuable real estate within yourself, in fucking around.
Fuck around and find out.
So those are my general thoughts about it all, and I gotta bunch more on how casual sex really impacts you, in ways you’ve likely never thought of before.
1. The exchange of karma and energy.
This a quote from SHIVA, from an old Tantric text:
“Sex has the power of both illusion and liberation, depending on the participants’ degree of conscious awareness.
When a person accepts a sexual act as a gift, exchanges take place on several different levels simultaneously.
There is a physical exchange and blending of secretions, a psychological exchange of life energies and polarities, a psychological exchange of attitudes, a Karmic exchange through a convergence of destinies—and there is a spiritual exchange, a communion between spirits.
On the highest level, all these exchanges add to the quality of the couple.
During high acts of Tantric sex, Karmas and unresolved personality conflicts can be totally transcended.”
When you are engaging in an act that is designed to combine every cell, every bit of genetic code that exists within you, with another person, do we really think this only happens on a physical level?
What this Tantric text doesn’t go on to say, is what happens during “low acts” of sex.
I would suggest that sexual encounters open up an energetic portal for their negative traits to come through to you as well, especially with the UN-conscious, checked-out way that most people have sex.
I’ve spoken with “seers” who speak about the entities they can see people have taken on from their sexual partners.
I’ve been with people who brought their literal demons into bed with me.
Particularly those who used drugs and alcohol, which open up your energy body and leave holes in your aura for entities to come through.
There was one partner I had, such a hard time breaking up with, for various reasons.
I did a two-month long parasite cleanse and I finally had the energy and clarity to end the relationship.
It was so interesting to me that this energy of parasitism was multi-dimensional.
All this to say is that you are fucking much more than a set of genitals.
You are letting within you the energetic and karmic patterns of whomever you, you know, let into you.
And whatever other hangers-on they have floating around them in the ethers.
This goes for both men and women, even though men technically do the penetrating.
This is also an extension of the idea that you are the mix of the five people you spend the most time with.
But it goes much deeper.
2) The false liberation of The Pill and the illusion of “casual” sex
When the Pill and hormonal birth control hit the scene, it seemed like a boon for women: now they could have all the sex they wanted—and not get pregnant!!
The problem with this, is it makes the act of having sex one without consequence.
Meaning, every time you have sex, you have the power to create a new life.
Well, not every time—f you understand the female reproductive cycle and that you can only get pregnant for six days out of each month.
Which means that women are pumping themselves full of hormone blockers—because yes, the Pill and all hormonal birth control are not “balancing” your hormones, they are blocking them—for most of their lives, needlessly.
And even destructively.
All in the name of no-consequence sex.
THAT is the lie.
Every sexual act has a sacred potency to it, that we have been conditioned to minimize and dismiss.
The amount of casual, cheapened, sex that we are all exposed to on a daily basis, makes me think that this is a deliberate smokescreen—you know, hidden in plain sight—for people to have the literal creative power of the universe at their genitals—at their fingertips—and yet have no understanding of it.
Instead, they eject this energy out of them.
The Pill is sold to women—and men—as the great, feminist liberator, but really it’s the great trap.
As a WHO Group 1 carcinogen—it’s bizarre to me that it’s even allowed to be prescribed at all, but hey, that’s the MLM scheme of allopathic medicine—it wreaks havoc on your hormones for years to come, all of that increasing exponentially with the amount of time a woman is on it for.
But more than that even, is how it makes the whole act of having sex seem utterly inconsequential.
3) The imprinting of disposability.
Each time you are having casual sex, you are imprinting on your system the vibration of contracting and holding back, of only sharing certain parts of yourself in order to be accepted, or to fit a certain situation, rather than showing up in your full resplendent glory, shining that light all over the place.
Casual sex is an embedded practice of dimming your light; reducing your uniqueness and value to connect with someone.
That’s the energy and messages you are giving your deepest self, during the apex of one of the most creative moments—sexual connection and orgasm, when you are tapping into the creative and manifesting power of the universe, and you are saying—hold back. I don’t deserve all that much, so i’ll settle for these crumbs.
It’s a kind of black magic that you perpetuate unto yourself.
4) Feng shui and clearing space
In the principles of feng shui, they talk about the importance of removing old and stagnant energies from the space around you, not only can you think more clearly and improve overall energy flow in your mind and surroundings, but you create space for new and up-levelled experience to come to you.
If your energy field is already occupied it’s sending a message out to the universe with a “no vacancy” or ‘kinda no vacancy, I”m actually rather confused about what I want’ sign on your forehead.
You’d be much better off to spend your time on your own growth and healing and addressing patterns that may have played out in previous relationships.
Throw yourself into a salon, do some somatic therapy, commit to daily self-pleasuring and breathwork sessions.
By doing that, you are elevating your IQ – your intimacy quotient: The capacity that you have for a deep and conscious relationship that will actually contribute to and uplift your entire life.
Then, you attract a higher caliber partner from this energy of “I value myself”, “I am focusing on making the unconscious conscious” and “I am the best and I want the best”
Instead of “I settle” or “this isn’t what I really want, but I’ll take it for now.”
Every thought and action you take is constantly communicating to the universe around you what you want.
And what you are worth.
The universe then takes that order and helps you to create it.
By adding the most powerful, pro-creative energy in the universe—sexual energy—and it amplifies all that creative power one hundred fold.
From that perspective, casual sex is even dangerous, in terms of what you are putting out there, and the messages that you are giving to every cell in your body.
5) The false notion that you need lots of partners to be “experienced.”
This has somehow been embedded in our cultural psyche.
Obviously, we’re all familiar with the 10,000 hours of mastery idea.
So the question becomes, is the experience of being with many people or a few people more valuable?
I’ve learned infinitely more, sexually speaking, in my committed relationships than in casual sex.
It’s not even comparable.
IN fact, I can’t think of a significant sexual thing I learned in a casual sex situation.
All of my deep learning happened within committed partnerships.
Because we created a safe and trusting space in which to explore.
We had the time to go deep, and build from one experience to the next.
You know how I’m a proponent of the three hour sex date.
That might happen in casual sex, but I doubt it.
With that kind of time, you get to the most deep places, you have the space to open up, take chances, to bare yourself emotionally and sexually.
It was within those sessions that I discovered things, like
I discovered G-Spot orgasms.
I experienced how anal sex opened me to God.
I learned to deep throat a massive cock.
I never went in armed with technique.
I went in with trust and openness and the knowledge that I was free to learn and explore without judgment.
To get to the really deep places I speak of, and to have the kind of sex that changes yourself and isn’t just busting out a lust-gasm or a stress-gasm, you need to feel safe to be seen.
To be vulnerable and reveal the deepest places within yourself.
After all, you are letting someone into the deepest places in yourself.
6) Men vs. women.
Does the notion of casual sex apply differently to men and women?
The reality is that in our culture, men are conditioned to be more sexual, and women are conditioned to be more emotional.
It’s not that men inherently ARE less emotional or women inherently ARE less sexual.
It’s how we’ve been programmed.
Sexually speaking, women have much more stamina than men, who for most, if you give them three minutes of doggie style, they are down for the count!
Women, on the other hand, once they are awakened sexually, are insatiable and multi-orgasmic. They don’t have an off switch.
Just this week on of my VKF salon Q+A calls, one of our middle-aged well-f**ked women was talking about how she is so wet all the time that she leaves puddles everywhere, and how she wants to have sex three times a day and her husband can barely keep up to her.
Oh, the plight of the well-f**ked.
So the notion that men just somehow “need” more sex or more random sex is really more of an expression of men who have been circumsized and are very disconnected form their cocks, and can more easily buy into the notion that they should WANT lots of casual sex.
Some years back, a friend of mine had come out of a long-term relationship.
He was so excited to play the field.
Now he could fuck as many women as he wanted!
He called me at one point because he was having issues.
“Kim! I don’t understand what’s happening to me! I’ve never had this before!”
“What is it?”
“Well, I’m sleeping with five different women. And i’m having issues with my erection.”
“Tell me more.”
“Well, I’m having problems staying hard with all of the women. Except for one. The one I really like, it’s no problem.”
This guy had so talked himself into the idea that he ought to be some kind of wonderland fuck machine, that when he created that situation, his cock was giving him clear messages that he couldn’t read for himself.
It responded to the (and I quote) “woman I really like!”
Like I’ve said, the exaltation of casual sex is a programming.
7) You don’t know what you don’t know. And you can never go back once you DO know it.
Once you’ve had gourmet, life-changing sex, it’s impossible to go back to the casual, junk-food version.
Even if you do, it’s just not the same.
I would posit that people who extoll the virtues of casual sex, simply haven’t had the kind of ecstatic, transcendent, being-reborn-into-a-new-person version that I speak of.
And once you do, your casual sex days are over, kids.
Most people don’t understand the power of what really good sex —gourmet sex—can do for you and your entire life.
Until then, the paltry wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am sex seems as good as it gets.
That’s scraping the bottom of the barrel.
There’s about a hundred floors up to go from there.
8) Casual sex is impossible to sustain.
The name of the game with casual sex is to keep things in stasis.
No growing. No dying.
This goes against the laws of nature, where everything is either growing.
Nothing remains in stasis.
The one night stand has been immortalized in our culture, because it maybe, almost works in this game of “let’s get closer than two humans can ever get, but let’s not actually get close at all, okay??”
When you know there is no future, no tomorrow and you aren’t ever going to see the person again, you might let your guard down a *little further* than if you knew you were doing this again next week.
Then you might get a little bit closer to the life-changing territory of complete surrender.
For the majority of encounters, especially those that are ongoing, the energy is either going to grow or die.
Meaning, one—or both—people are going to get more emotionally attached.
Or the connection will just fizzle out.
This is one of the primary illusions of “casual sex”; that it’s possible to keep it just “casual” for any length of time.
9) Promoting the breakdown of the family unit.
With the combination of a few overlapping agendas, such as the glorification of casual sex and the growth of polyamourous “Oh, humans weren’t MEANT to be monogamous” relationships, all of this diminishes the importance of the family unit.
There’s a deep metaphysical power in the union of male and female, the alchemical combining of masculine and feminine energies and the container they provide in harnessing the pro-creative energy of the universe.
Why do you think there is such a massive effort to undermine it?
Because this is the creative power of the universe being tapped into, every single time a woman and man have sex.
This is the portal to accessing other dimensions, to literally bringing new life into this world.
As I always say, if you aren’t creating babies with this energy, then you can use it to create whatever you desire in your world.
The power that a consciously monogamous couple has is unmatched.
They, as a unit, become superpowers and uber-manifesters and un-fuckwithable.
Which may be why their very existence is a threat to any kind of power that may seek to oppress them.
When you have the literal creative power of the universe on your side and available to you at every moment—and you know how to use it—you are a threat to anything that seeks to make people small and encumbered.
So what do you do instead of going out and fucking random people?
You go fuck yourself.
Emotionally, mentally, physically.
By fucking yourself, you will unfuck yourself.
I’ve had some of my most well-f**ked periods when I was single.
The pathway to your ultimate salvation lies between your own legs.
To properly fuck and unfuck yourself, you can do this in a multitude of ways:
- 7 day self-pleasuring challenge using my Meditate, Masturbate, Create sequence, which you can find detailed in my YouTube video Self-Pleasuring 101
- You can commit to a 30-days self-pleasuring challenge
- Signup for one of my Sexual Savant Salons. All of my salons can be done solo, even the Coming Together Salon.
- You can study and practice on your own, and then since you have lifetime access, you can do it again with your new partner.I have salons running all throughout the year. We just started Vaginal Kung Fu and the next one is Coming Together in April. Then in the summer we have How to Be a Well-F**Ked Woman, followed by Sexual Mastery for Men.
- Take some crystal elixirs. In the Anami Alchemia online shop, I’ve created a series of crystal elixirs focused on sexual healing and cultivating sexual and creative power. These come with guided visualizations and you take them over a three week period. Luscious for Women and Resurrect for Men are excellent to start with.
- Start therapy. I recommend somatic therapies that help you to rewire neural pathways, like breathwork. I go into these in more depth in my salons.
- Feng shui your life. Are there any parts of you that you don’t want to let anyone into and see?
Other podcasts of mine I’d recommend are:
How to Manifest Your Dream Partner
Even if the salons I’ve mentioned aren’t open for registration now, each of them comes with a free preview video series with exercises you can practice tonight.