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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

How do you know when the right time is to leave a relationship?

I did a podcast a couple of years back called “When One Person Wants to Grow”.

In it, I talked about what to do when one person in the relationship is more keen on growth and healing, and the other is not.

In Anami Land, a conscious, gourmet sex relationship requires both people to be actively participating.

It doesn’t work if one person is consistently putting in more effort than the other.

The magic only happens when both people dive deep and commit to 150% effort.

I highly recommend listening to the “When One Person Wants to Grow” episode. Consider this a follow up.

Let’s say you tried what I suggested in that episode and your partner is still consistently uninterested in growing with you and cockblocks you and your relationship.

Here is my straight Anami-style talk about what I suggest.

In this episode:

  • At what point do you call it quits in a relationship
  • What is an acceptable pace to move and grow at
  • The lie of limbo
  • The impact of stagnation on your overall life
  • What it looks and feels like in a relationship where both people are committed to growth. Hint: it’s sheer jubilation and nothing less.

Or download the podcast version and listen on the go: 

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TRANSCRIPT – Should I Stay or Should I Go?

We just wrapped up the Sexual Mastery for Men Salon.

In all of my online salons, we have weekly Q+A calls where I connect with everyone and answer their questions.

The theme that came out of the collective last week was “when do you draw the line in a relationship? At what point do you say “enough is enough” and leave it?”

I did a podcast a couple of years back called “When One Person Wants to Grow”.

In it, I talked about what to do when one person in the relationship is more keen on growth and healing, and the other is not.

In Anami Land, a conscious, gourmet sex relationship requires both people to be actively participating.

It doesn’t work if one person is consistently putting in more effort than the other.

The magic only happens when both people dive deep and commit to 150% effort.

If one person is starting to wake up to the life-changing potential of their relationship, of how it can be their superpower, how their orgasms can be used to create and manifest in their world, how three hour sex dates can help them lose weight, build their business and make millions and the other person hasn’t figured this out then, then the growth-minded person has two routes to go:

1. Invite the other person on their journey.

Since most relationships are enshrined commitments to stagnation, the idea of growth can be foreign.

You explain what and why.

You invite them to listen to some of my podcasts or videos with you and discuss them.

You invite them to do a salon with you.

Apart from my Vaginal Kung Fu Salon, all of my salons in include partnered homeplay exercises and the videos can be watched by all.

The partner says yes and joins you on your journey.

Then there’s the issue of pace and consistency.

As in, what is an acceptable rate of growth and progress?

Is it a plod? A trot? A canter? A gallop?

The answer is

A gallop.

This is the part that is often sticky for people.

Their partner may agree to explore healing and growth with them. And initially they are keen.

Perhaps with the perceived threat of losing the relationship, even if it wasn’t explicitly stated.

So they get their ass in gear.

For a time.

Maybe they come up against some dark corners in themselves and they contract back. There are some doors they are too afraid to open.

And so they renege.

They slow down. Or even go right back to their pace of not moving at all.

So what is the pace you want?

It’s a fucking GALLOP.

Anything less than a massive YES I will follow you and our growth and healing and transformation and alchemy to the ends of the earth.

I will throw EVERYTHING into the fire for this.

All the parts of me I thought I was. I will let them go.

In exchange for the most real, true, authentic, powerful version of myself to emerge.

What this looks like is a PERPETUAL YES.

Yes, I will explore this with you.

Yes, let’s listen to that podcast.

Yes, let’s do that homeplay.

Yes, let’s commit to three hour sex dates every week.

Yes, let’s do hour long yoni and lingam massages on each other.

Yes, let’s be radically honest with each other.

Yes, let’s move to Fiji.

Yes, I will prioritize our relationship above all else because I know, or I’m at least willing to have faith, that if we do that, EVERY other part of our lives will benefit

Yes, I will go to therapy to resolve my unhealed traumas.

Yes, Yes, Yes.

That is what it looks like.

Grow or die.

There is no in between.

A slow pace is a “no” pace.

It’s stalling and it’s a lie.

I call it the “lie of limbo”.

It’s where we tell ourselves that it’s okay to hang out here in inertia for a while.

A few months.

A few years.

A decade. Or two.

But it’s not.

There is a PRICE to pausing or slowing down your own growth so that you can match the pace of another person.

That price is the decay that will start to permeate all parts of your life.

You may have career and financial setbacks. Health issues: growths and ailments in your reproductive organs. Weight gain. Your children begin acting out. Unexpected tragedy takes places in your lives.

These things aren’t random life events.

they are a direct result of you committing to stagnation and to inaction.

That energy of decay spreads out into everything you touch.

Growth or die.

Growth or decay.

There is no in-between place you can life.

If you aren’t growing, you are dying.


2. You have invited your partner and they say “no”. 

In the second pathway, you extend the invitation to growth and your partner says “no” or “not right now” right at the outset. All that says is that they are terrified of intimacy and vulnerability.

They choose to stay in the perceived safety of stagnation.

If that is the case, then I always encourage the person who wants to grow, to focus on their own growth.

Let go of trying to get your partner to be interested in this process of healing and transformation.


Withdraw your energy from them and focus instead fully on yourself.

This doesn’t mean they need to end the relationship. Yet.

It just means that you stop trying to get them to engage.

As you strengthen yourself, you’ll have the clarity to see things more clearly and do what you need to do.


In this scenario, one of two things will happen.

The previously uninterested partner sees and feels changes in their lover.

They become curious and intrigued.

The person carries themselves differently. They are happier, sexier, more easy going. They complain less.

If it’s a woman, she starts wearing beautiful dresses and lingerie.

She is more affectionate with her body.

She offers to give him blow jobs in the car.

If it’s a man, he embodies more confidence and masculine energy. He takes charge.

He does what he says he’s going to do.

He asks to give his woman an hour-long yoni massage and tells her he really wants to find her G-Spot and make her ejaculate across the room.

Mark + Amanda are one of our beloved all star couples. 

Amanda signed up for WFW. Her partner Mark said “That’s nice honey. Glad  you are doing that. Just don’t expect me to do SMM.”

She threw herself into the salon and had epic shifts in herself and how she engaged in the relationship. Mark saw all the changes that were happening with her, and he said “How could I not??? She’s doing so much to benefit us and I’m getting on that train too.”

This happens a lot.

But…sometimes it doesn’t.

The person shows zero interest in what you are doing and could care less about the inner changes you are experiencing.

Then what do you do?

At this point, we’re in a similar situation to what I described earlier about someone who initially shows interest but then drops off.

The answer is one of my favourite expressions:


It speaks to the fact that you can’t hang out in limbo.

Sometimes people think they can.

But that’s the lie of limbo.

WE get emails from people all the time, talking about relationships they have been unhappy in for 20, 25 years.

This is called being committed to stagnation.

Or married to mediocrity.

Most people don’t know what they don’t know

They think that having a shitty relationship where the sex is lame or non-existent and they have secret porn habits or chocolate cake habits or wine habits is a suitable substitute for the numbness they feel in their relationship.

Instead of risking it all to find true happiness and bliss, settle for mediocrity.

So what do you do?

You risk losing something so unbearably shitty

You risk giving up something that is familiar for something that is your wildest dreams – and maybe these are dreams you didn’t even know you had or ever let yourself have.

You tell your partner that this just will not do.

And if they aren’t going to join you on this journey of YES and unstoppable-ness, then you are going to leave them.

If you want, you can give them a timeline so they know you are serious.

But really, if they didn’t say yes right away, and they didn’t get on that horse you gave them and start GALLOPING with you, they aren’t likely to come.

You’re either in or you’re out

From the start.

Cajoling and threatening isn’t the key to the kingdom or queendom.

It’s doing your own thing, doing what is best for you and finding someone who is doing it to.

And leaving behind the ones who just aren’t into it.

They might have some good qualities.

But ultimately, if they are cockblocking your own relationship, they can get fucked.

Because you need to get fucked thoroughly, artfully and heart-fully, and some pitiful, half-assed, half-heart, half-cocked, half-pussied cowardly excuses are not going to take you into the promised land.

Bold, courageous, YES and fuck me into oblivion ARE.

If it’s anything less than that, it’s a NO.

You aren’t someone’s mother or father or babysitter.

Let them throw their toys at someone else.

You are galloping ahead into the future and the arms of a lover who will LOVE you and want to GROW with you and who says YES to the essence of you.

Don’t waste any more time on whiners and excuse makers and people who don’t keep their word.

Chuck ‘em.

And gallop the fuck right on out of there.

The universe rewards courage.

If you make the courageous choice of honouring yourself and refuse to be with anyone who doesn’t honor the depths of you, they will come.

If you build it, they will come.

Build yourself.

Build your motherfucking internal house and fuck yourself into oblivion and you will find someone who will gallop alongside you.

A few of my favourite Rumi lines speak to this:

Half-heartedness doesn’t reach into majesty. You set out to find God, but then you keep stopping for long periods at mean spirited roadhouses.

“A thousand half-loves must be forsaken to take one whole heart home.”

Gallop with your whole heart.

Whole hearts attract whole hearts.

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