Why I always say: “All women can orgasm.”
One of the biggest sex myths going is the idea that not all women can have orgasms.
I hear this all the time.
It’s often couched in some kind of pseudo-feminist language of: “There, there. Don’t feel bad if you can’t orgasm. Not all women can. It’s okay.”
“Hey! Don’t make us feel bad for thinking we can have orgasms. We can’t!”
It’s all bullshit.
First, the idea that all women can’t. That’s bullshit.
And second, the idea that it’s somehow helping women to tell them it’s normal not to have orgasms.
That’s a fuckton of bullshit.
It may have become normalized.
But it’s not normal.
It’s your birthright to have insane, ecstatic, wild pleasure on a regular basis.
And me touting the idea that this is possible for every woman, and educating women on how to get there, is considered heretic.
Every day of my practice, I see and hear from women who thought they were “just one of those women who couldn’t”—because they’d bought into the myth, and accepted it as reality—and lo and behold, they can.
Up and down the room, all over the house.
Clitoral orgasms. G-Spot orgasms. Cervical orgasms. “I thought myself to an orgasm.”
Yes. All this pleasure is possible for every women, for every vagina.
I’ve seen it over and over again to be able to assert confidently that this is true.
And the naysayers? Let them eat crow.
The rest of us will be eating cake.
The main reasons that women don’t attain orgasms are:
1) Thinking they can’t. If you think you can’t, you’re right.
Often, it’s as simple as me telling women/couples that they can.
And that very night, they do.
Someone just needed to give them permission, and let them know the truth.
They already knew it, deep down, like deep in the vagina deep down, but they needed to be re-validated.
I’m validating you now.
2) Orgasms are about letting go.
If you can’t let go, you won’t get to orgasm.
If you are afraid of losing control, you won’t get to orgasm.
If you terrified of letting someone deep inside of you, letting them in, letting them truly see you, you won’t get to orgasm.
Inevitably, when I speak to women who have trouble attaining orgasms, this theme comes up.
Orgasms, especially the deeper, vaginal orgasms—the life-changing orgasms—are about opening, being vulnerable and exposed.
This has to be there to get you over the edge.
You have to let your guard down.
And be penetrated.
This is what often confuses Western science. This intangible—but vital—quality of opening is essential to the deeper, vaginal, much-more-elusive orgasms.
They can’t measure it, so they don’t understand it.
It is measurable though:
3) Everything shows up in bed.
Have an argument earlier today? Still upset with your partner?
No orgasm for you!
What I mean by this, is that if you have unresolved issues occupying the space, they will show up in your bed as blocks.
Blocks to your orgasm.
If you have years of unhealed sexual trauma, this will show up as a block.
And inhibit orgasm.
A beautiful couple came to my Bali retreat last year.
One of their big goals for the retreat was to have the woman reach G-Spot orgasm and ejaculation.
She’d previously bought into the myth that she was “just one of those women.”
So she’d given up trying.
She wanted oh-so-much to believe me that she could get there.
I gave them some basic techniques, but more importantly, we talked about clearing blocks and the space between them.
They spent hours that night talking. They were exhausted by the end of the evening, so they opted to do their physical “homeplay” in the morning.
First G-Spot orgasm.
First squirting ejaculation.
A year later, I still get regular photo updates of puddles on the floor of their bedroom.
Hardwood floors are handy for many things.
Yes, there are some mechanical suggestions for the deeper vaginal orgasms.
A lot of the work though is being able to surrender.
This is deep, intense work.
The work of love.
The work of opening, and daring to let someone see you raw and undefended.
To show up.
That’s the real work.
Which is often invisible.
Except that your orgasm is your gauge.
If you have done this powerful inner work, you will come.
Coming Together is coming.
The CT salon for couples begins in early May.