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Anger-gasms or Orgasms?

You feel the stirrings of arousal. Maybe it’s watching your lover on stage delivering a key note speech. Maybe it’s his keen ability to banter. Maybe it’s the shape of her ass in that clingy, red dress.  

You shoot her a look. She catches it. You feel the build between you throughout the day. In between making meals for children and doing errands, you are able to slip in some sexual touch. You think about each other all day.

Finally, the kids are off to bed and you have some alone time. You make it count.

The build climaxes and you both feel released and reborn.


You find out that someone has betrayed your trust. You shared something confidential and someone didn’t keep it confidential.

It begins with one thought: “How could she do that?” And then another: “What kind of a person does that?” And then the spiral begins into tens of thoughts, hundreds of thoughts. Frustration. Violation. Indignation.

All the things you would say if/when you confront this person occupy your thoughts for an entire day.

You ruminate. You obsess.

If you are smart, and have developed the ability to assert yourself, you’ll go to the source. You’ll speak with the individual and explain how you feel.

Anger is a sign. A sign that a boundary has been violated.

It has been said that there is no justifiable anger. Meaning, to vent anger and act out at someone is never okay.

There is a great Buddhist quote:

“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”

Anger serves a purpose: to tell you that you need to take action.

Speaking your truth and requesting what you want is the ideal course of action.

Yet, many people avoid doing this.

They stew.

The stew cooks for days.

Then, instead of talking to the person or addressing the situation where it all began, they give someone the finger in traffic. They yell at their children. They burn their hand on the stove.

Here’s the thing.

The passion of anger and the passion of sex are very similar.

People who aren’t owning their sexual energy, often substitute the passion of anger for sensual expression.

Instead of using the alchemical fire of love + sex to transform their baser qualities, they are diminishing themselves through throwing their mean-ness all over the place.

By not fulling owning their truth.

If you find yourself getting angry a lot, and venting on other people, ask yourself:

* What boundary violations am I ignoring?

* Who do I need to speak to in order to make this right?

* Are you underf**ked?

* Are you connecting deeply in your intimate relationship?

* Are your orgasms changing your life?

If you aren’t using your sexual energy as a source of power and transformation, you aren’t using it properly.

And if you aren’t using it properly, the tragic results will show up in some part of your life.

Anger can be an issue of its own. Though I often find it linked to unexpressed sexual energy.

The passion needs to come out somewhere.

In unconscious sex, there may be a brief moment of release at orgasm, often followed by an energy loss, especially in men.

In the unconscious venting of anger, there may be a temporary high after screaming your lungs out. That’s nearly always followed by a sense of remorse and exhaustion.

In conscious sex, where we stay present and connected, we feel rejuvenated and high on life afterwards.

In the conscious expression of anger—meaning, we explain where a slight occurred and ask for what we want instead—we feel self-love. We feel centred and grounded.

Anger is one of the major signs of not having enough sex. Or of having junk-food sex rather than gourmet sex.

Do you recognize yourself in this video?

Misdirected anger and suppressed sexual energy is the domain of both men and women.

Be honest. Are you having anger-gasms or orgasms?


Image: Lauren Bentley

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2 thoughts on “Anger-gasms or Orgasms?

  1. This is all so true! I grew up in a family with very icy parents that — despite their desire to be positive role models — never talked about sex and repressed problems or anger until it boiled over into violent screaming matches with no actual productive communication or listening taking place.

    I’m just learning how to be my own person with my own operating system regarding conflict resolution — both internal and external. A huge problem I run into is that people do not WANT to actually talk about it (avoid, deny, avoid some more) even when I come from a calm place, or that my partner could NOT have sex while there was an underlying issue between us. I’m learning how to be more open but it’s hard when many of the people in my life are…not so open. Thankful for the connections in my life that are transparent. 🙂 And for learning that if I’m feeling angry I can just choose to walk away and have an orgasm on my own! lol Always happy to see new writing from you, your work is important and you have such a unique and inspiring perspective that brings real results when applied.

    1. Thanks Rachel!

      Yes, it’s a challenge when you are willing to engage and others aren’t. Then you have to do the clearing on your own. Or, as you say, go and have an orgasm with yourself!