Are You Lovers or Roommates?
Take this quiz and find out.
1) When your partner walks in the house after a day at work:
A. You meet them at the door, lunge at them, grab them on the ass, have a wet kiss and a little make-out session.
B. Once they have come inside the house, without looking up from your fave TV show or magazine or whatever else you are doing, you mumble: “Hi honey.”
C. You quickly put away the porn you were jerking off to.
2) How often do you have sex?
A. Between three times a week to every day.
B. Somewhere between every two weeks and every two years.
C. We don’t have sex. Why are you asking me that? God!! There are so many more important things in a marriage besides sex. The whole world is perverted.
3) Do you consider yourselves to have an equal partnership?
A. We’ve deliberately cultivated some “inequality”. We understand that masculine and feminine energies show up differently and we use that polarity to create sexual chemistry. We play with power and control dynamics. Especially in bed.
B. He’s better at some things and vice versa.
C. We are both card-carrying feminists who went to four-year liberal arts colleges and we share and do everything equally. Nothing non-PC ever takes place in our home or relationship. #equalitymanbunsandpantsuitsforever
4) When you do have sex, how is it initiated?
A. I drop to my knees and open up his pants, looking up in adoration. I pin her arms above her head, slam her into the wall and growl into her neck.
B. We set a reminder to let us know when to. We’ve been trying to have a baby lately, so it has to be during that window.
Mostly A = Lovers. Weak in the knees, can’t keep their hands off each other, open-hearted, their relationship fuels their life.
Mostly B = A slow road to perdition.
Mostly C = Roommates: Will be losing sexual and other organs due to mysterious “ailments” and lack of use. You are operating at a deficiency in your overall life because you are not tapping into the magnficent power of passionate, sexual love.
After having a few failed relationships and getting their hearts and genitals broken, people often make a choice.
They choose safety over passion.
They choose like over love.
They choose the familiar over mystery.
They choose “no chance of getting hurt” to “serious chance of getting hurt because my heart is so fucking open and raw”.
They invest less.
So they’ll lose less.
Except that’s not where the magic is.
A couple came to see me a number of years back.
She was hysterical and underfucked. In fact, she was so underfucked. she was the inspiration for my 2012 Playboy article about hysterical and underfucked women.
He was very effeminate and sensitive. Overall, a lovely guy.
But no oomph.
They were stressed because they wanted to make a baby.
And they had to face a serious problem:
They’d have to have sex to do it.
What? This wasn’t part of their relationship.
They had fell into each other as friends and carried on that way.
But they didn’t carry on working with me.
Because it would have brought up a lot of stories they were telling themselves. And they didn’t want to face that.
So they had sex at least once, I guess, to make this baby. It was probably very difficult and a wild sacrfice, but they soldiered on and did it.
She had a hell pregnancy. A long and painful birth. Now, several years laters, she’s still posting about how bad her postpartum depression is.
If you aren’t tapping into the power of your sexual energy, you are operating at a huge deficiency.
The relationship wasn’t doing what it was meant to: generate the energy to sustain and rejuvenate their lives.
Safety has a price.
The defenses you put up prevent good, nourishing, energizing things from coming in as well.
And then there are some couples who start out as lovers.
Then they fade into roommates.
They start protecting themselves. They stop telling the truth. Walls get built and not being open is no fun.
It’s definitely not fuckable.
Your sexual relationship is your power source.
There is a certain kind of vulnerability in wanting what the heart wants.
And letting yourself have it.
All that you truly desire is out in the open.
It is a delicious sort of risk—the only game in town, some might say—that the universe rewards.
Despite the lies you’ve been told, there truly are couples out there who have been married for 30 years and after 30 years, are having the best sex of their lives.
Because they dared.
To go for the thing and the person and the cock and the pussy they most wanted, that shook them and excited them to their core.
And then they learned how to stay there.
The “getting there” and “staying there” is what I teach people.
Because you don’t know what you don’t know.
The prevailing story out there is that passion dies after two years because: science. And lifelong sizze isn’t possible or natural.
You can get there and stay there with a heart and genitals laid bare.