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Conscious Coupling

You’ve likely heard of how Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin are ending their romantic relationship through a process called “Conscious Uncoupling.” 

In order to consciously “uncouple,” you need to consciously couple.

This is something people rarely do.

Most people “fall into” their relationships. They have no idea how to create them.

They are drawn in by their unconscious patterns and triggers which are seeking resolution. They fumble their way through.

All of the people I know who I would consider to be sexual or relationship savants, have put in the time.

They, usually through pain, have pushed themselves to learn more and understand their own behaviour and how to make these things work well.

They’ve taken responsibility for their healing and learning.

This means that like any other facet of their lives—exercise, health, nutrition, career—they understand that their relationship needs constant tending to thrive.

The major elements in any conscious coupling are:

1) Mutual agreement that the relationship exists as a container for growth.

This means that when we are triggered or we see things about the other person that we don’t like—or about ourselves—we don’t run. Or avoid.

We know that “issues” will come up and this is okay. This is welcomed even.

We use these as opportunities to heal our weaknesses and build our strengths.

We zero right in on whatever is going on and look at it. Together.

2) We will expose ourselves. From our hearts to our genitals, we will uncover. And I will let you in.

The most challenging and rewarding thing about getting close to someone, is, well, getting close to them.

We drop our guards. We part our legs. We dare to believe we will be loved. And loved well. And that we are worthy of such love.

3) We will fuck a lot. And fucking is important.

Osho used to say something like: “You can fuck all your problems away.”

To an extent, he’s right.

Fucking with no talking won’t work. And talking with no fucking won’t work. But the fucking can often resolve a lot of issues wordlessly. And the talking can often lead to fucking.

4) I will tell you the truth. Yes: the truth shall set us both free.

Telling the truth, even when it might hurt the one you are with, is way more important than hurting them.

If you have an ongoing practice of being honest, the “hurt” will be much less so, because you’ve learned not to take things so personally. It’s only when honesty shows up in a space which has been full of dishonesty, that it’s such a shock.

If you want the kind of relationship where the sex eventually fizzles out and you and your partner lead separate lives and have separate bedrooms, by all means, tell white lies and full-on lies all day long. Or on some days. Or whatever.

Because the truth is, we all know when we are being lied to. Even if we don’t know consciously, or we would rather not know, we know.

Trust will erode over the long-term with lies. And it will build with radical honesty.

**

This is where all the gifts are. This is where you become superhuman.

Practicing these things will take your relationship into the realm of the magical.

Where it is supposed to be.

~Kxx

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