How to Have Tantric Sex – Transcript
How to have Tantric sex. This is a common buzzword in the realm of sexual study: Tantric sex. I would say that it was probably popularized by Sting and his accounts of being able to have sex with his wife for eight hours at a time, which is a very noble, noble practice [laughs], I have to say. Excellent quality in a man.
Funny story, actually. This partner I had years ago had what’s called anorgasmia, where he had a hard time actually having an orgasm. He said women would get really upset with him, and they would throw things across the room at him. [Laughs] I don’t know if they just felt offended that he couldn’t come. I guess he was fucking them for too long. I said, “Oh my god, you’re a dream guy. This is amazing. You’re telling me you have sex for hours and you don’t come?” He said, “Yeah.” I said, “Get over here.” [Laughs]
Anyway, tells you what I look for in a man.
Tantra, let’s see. There are all kinds of different dimensions to it. The word “Tantra” is a Sanskrit word that means “to weave.” Weaving through things.
I look at it as being this elevation of sexual energy and conscious use of sexual energy.
Tantra has its origins 5,000 years ago in ancient India, where there was a sect of matriarchal culture that studied sex. They looked at it as a way to contact divine energy, to touch the divine in ourselves and elevate the entire experience of sex.
At the same time, in ancient China, in Taoist times, they were studying how to use sex as medicine and revitalization as a springboard into spiritual openness.
I resonate, I would say, a little bit more with the Taoist teachings. They were kind of more methodical. Tantric rituals are often very flowery, and I like to think that I take the best of both worlds and combine them in a way that’s intelligent, sophisticated, and easy to digest and apply in the work that I do, putting a modern twist on these things.
I had already had some powerful, transformative sexual experiences in my 18 years, and then I learned about Tantra and Taoism in my early twenties and thought, “Oh wow, there’s actually a framework that already exists for the kinds of experiences that I’m having and the way that I look at sexuality and my sexual energy, which is that there’s a divine portal opening up that I have access to and I come through the other side of that feeling reborn.” This is the definition of la petite mort, the little death and rebirth, and even that term really spoke to me because that’s how I would feel coming out of these cataclysmic, cervical orgasm life-changing experiences. This was at a young age, early in my sexual explorations, having very deep experiences like that.
Of course, there’s no reflection of that kind of viewpoint in typical Western culture and writings. “If you can’t prove it in a lab, it doesn’t exist,” which is only to say, “You are probably the most under-fucked person in the world, and so is your partner if all you do all day is try to prove that orgasms don’t exist.”
It was very gratifying to see, all right, hey, this is reaffirming what I already instinctively know. And I feel like a lot of people, when they come to my work, that’s what happens to them; it’s reaffirming what they already know to be true deep down. It’s just that they’ve been fed this conflicting programming about what sexuality is, that it’s somehow dirty and bad and nasty. Then there are all of these myths in religions and other stories about how sex is the origin of all evil in the world.
It’s just so fucked up, and you can see very clearly the human hand in the writing of this narrative. That’s not coming from the divine. This is what I love about these ancient practices; they recognized elevated, gourmet sex. When I say gourmet sex, I mean an experience of sex that’s multidimensional. Meaning you bring all parts of you—mind, emotion, body, spirit, energy—to the table, to the bed, to the back of the car, wherever you like, and you show up. You’re vulnerable, you’re open, you surrender.
To me, that is the most powerful use of sexual energy. That’s how you really tap into the incredible, life-giving force that it is, when you’re using it from this higher state of consciousness, rather than just as a way to put yourself to sleep at night. So to me, there’s a really big difference.
In all of my work, as much as I encourage people to have lots of sex, I want them to have gourmet, multidimensional, surrendered, life-changing sex. And there’s a huge difference.
Is this thing giving you energy or taking away energy? Does it make you feel like you want to run a marathon after, or like you want to pass out? These are big differences to me.
That’s really the key, though—liberating the power of sexual energy through conscious application. Years ago, a hairdresser of mine said, “Doesn’t Tantra just mean being really present while you’re humping?” I said, “Well, yeah, that’s maybe a coarser way to describe it [laughs] than I would normally like,” but that’s really the essence of these practices: to bring our conscious awareness to the fact that with every single act, we have the power to create new life. That makes it a sacred, incredible experience if we tune into that.
There’s this theme in modern culture that throwaway sex and casual sex are totally fine and cool. Look, I have no moral skin in that game. That’s not where I’m coming from. It’s more like by denigrating this or dismissing it as being insignificant and no big deal, we aren’t really owning the power of what sex can give us and what it can birth in us as individuals, in our lives, stretching out to every facet of our lives, from our career and our children to our work, our finances, our environment, and how we show up and give back to the world with our gifts.
And, of course, in our intimate relationship. We up the ante tenfold or even a hundredfold. We extend ourselves into the territory of being able to quantum leap and bend time and space because we’ve latched onto the energy that creates new life. We are completely in sync with that and giving it the proper attention and reverence that it’s due.
All of this is really describing what Tantra is, which is, again, this idea of being conscious and taking to the highest possible use how we apply ourselves in the sexual realm.
I would say that your main tools for practicing Tantra are really about practicing presence and staying deeply connected throughout the experience, like dancing or getting into a flow when you’re surfing, the idea of getting in the zone. When you get into the zone, the experience begins to lead you into unseen realms of the universe. That’s how powerful it is. That’s why we talk so reverently about the idea of getting into the zone, because that’s what it does. I think we tap into some kind of flow of the universe, and then it lifts us, it carries us, it moves us.
That’s the art of surfing. When you line yourself up to catch a wave, you get in the right spot, you paddle, and that in itself is a whole art and learning experience to even be able to do that. Then you get up, and you ride it, and then it’s like, who’s riding who? You’re riding it, but it’s propelling you, and you’re in sync together. I’m going off on surf tangents, but that’s good.
There’s this amazing interview with Jerry Lopez, who’s known as the King of Pipeline, one of the most respected and poetic surfers to ever exist. He talks about having this synergy with the wave. People would look at him, and he would have this incredible harmony with the fiercest waves on the planet. That’s why every surfer who wants to make it has to go to Pipeline and prove themselves.
There’s this footage of him talking about how he’d be out there and just completely open up to this entity or presence of the wave. She would then basically give him waves. She would show up where he was and offer herself to him, and he would get up and then just ride these artistic symphonies of a wave.
It’s similar to that, getting into the heart of something. The whole aim of Tantra is to get into the heart of your spiritual, sexual self. To me, it’s your sexual self, but your spirituality is within that. To me, they’re one and the same. I don’t separate sex and spirit. To me, sexuality and spirituality are pretty much the same or very similar ideas and experiences. You’re opening up to a power greater than yourself, and you’re tuning into that flow.
Then the big goal is presence and connection. People check out sexually all the time. Most people have numb genitals because of unresolved trauma, fear of intimacy and vulnerability, and all these things. The “issues in our tissues” is something that Wim Hof says, and I fully love that expression because it’s the idea that all the things that we don’t look at, that we suppress, we try to store away, are stored in the body.
Western medicine would try to have you believe that there’s absolutely no connection between your emotional/mental states and what later shows up in your body as a physical ailment. It manifests as your higher self giving you a sign that something’s wrong. “No, no, no. Nothing to see here. Keep moving.” Such bullshit.
The truth is that your body is constantly communicating to you. When we don’t work on our shit, all these things get lodged in the body as blockages and stuck energy, and if you don’t clear those things, they end up showing up as ailments down the line.
Any kind of ailment in the reproductive organs, male or female, is always, always connected to stuck and stagnant sexual energy. That ranges from fertility issues to menstrual issues to impotency issues, all of the above. Growths, cysts—every single thing is related to stuck sexual energy.
You have an entire culture that’s pretty much been traumatized or suppressed sexually, so everyone has some work to do.
That’s what my work is all about. One of the things that I talk about all the time is the importance of clearing blocks. Old blocks, new blocks, longstanding blocks, daily blocks. By old, I mean stuff that’s built up over years of being in a relationship. If you’ve got a 5-, 10-, 15-, 20-, 30-year-old relationship, odds are you’ve got stuff that you have tried to throw underneath the carpet and not examine and just tried to swallow and get on with it.
But again, the body and the canvas of your bed and your relationship don’t forget. They don’t lie. They will show up as low libido, decreased lubrication, or somebody ejaculating too quickly. All these things are symptomatic of stuff that hasn’t been dealt with, and it shows up in the body.
I give this example a lot. Say you have an argument at breakfast time, and you don’t really deal with it, you don’t get to the bottom of it, and you walk away still feeling disgruntled. And then you try to have sex with each other at bedtime, and somebody’s not wet, somebody’s not that hard, or someone comes in two minutes. Most people wouldn’t make a connection between the fact that they had unresolved stuff, they didn’t feng shui the space within their energy fields together, and then it showed up in their bed. There’s a direct connection.
I talk about having a clean-as-you-go policy, where you’re constantly trying to keep those lines of communication open and express your feelings and express your truth when something’s bothering you.
I teach a lot in my Coming Together Salon about how to do that in a way that’s healthy and loving and not triggering the other person back into defense. We want to try to come together in a way that is supportive and loving and create space for people to have realizations about their blind spots and help each other see them, illuminate them, and love and fuck our way through them.
The other really important aspect of that is to awaken the genitals. Like I said, most people have numb genitals, so that’s why I’m such a big proponent of exercising those genitalia.
For women, Vaginal Kung Fu, using the yoni egg, and for men, in my Sexual Mastery for Men Salon, I teach cock lengthening and strengthening exercises.
I also recommend yoni massage and lingam massage, doing conscious healing massages on each other. I have great videos about that on my YouTube channel, and I also go into full-length massage techniques for those in my Coming Together Salon.
But this is a beautiful way to lavish love and attention on the core, the essence of your partner, and help them to really inhabit that part of themselves. Because your duty is to love your partner up so much that they start to understand the power of who they are.
That is your job. That is your mission, should you accept it, as a lover, to love the fuck out of your partner, and to fuck them into loving themselves and you.
These are the tools that we have to deepen these experiences with each other and have deeper orgasms. So orgasms for enlightenment, that’s what we’re all about right here, and I believe that orgasms ought to and can be, even with every encounter, life-changing.
No, I’m not being hyperbolic because in these deeper experiences of orgasm, like vaginal orgasms in women, G-spot and cervical, are life-changing. Because we get beyond the ego. We ascend into this territory of the upper chakras and principally the crown chakra, and we then shed pieces of our ego, things that have been put upon us, conditioning, programming, and they fall away. They fall away, and they don’t come back.
That right there is one of my main reasons for all the work that I do; deeply connected sexuality is a massive personal growth tool and is completely overlooked. Most people would never think of that.
“Sex is really just about getting to orgasm as fast as you can.”
No, it’s definitely, definitely not. I feel like that’s the opposite of everything that I teach.
We’ll talk more about that, but really, it’s expanding that. For men, it’s having extended orgasms, being able to go for hours at a time, having conscious control of their sexuality, and even separate orgasm from ejaculation. These are the higher levels of enlightening orgasms.
Having those experiences truly feels like you’re being reborn. Like I said, you shed pieces of yourself that you took on and now are letting go of. The other thing is, at a more biochemical, scientific level, when you have deep orgasms, you reset your autonomic nervous system. This is one of the most powerful resets that you can do. It’s like a computer reboot. When you wipe everything clean, all the viruses—and it’s about the only legitimate virus there really is—are on a computer created by someone who then gives you a product to fix it. [Laughs]
Anyway, other topic. I’ll do another podcast on that whole subject.
But let’s say you want to wipe out the stuff that’s accumulated on your computer and reset it back to its original factory settings. That’s really what these orgasms are doing; they’re helping you to fully release.
All right. During your sexual encounters, ways to get connected and stay connected. First off would be breathing, and I spoke about this last week in the Energy, Sex, and Orgasms video because it’s very, very important. You want to be breathing throughout your sexual encounter, especially as you get close to orgasm.
The more that you breathe prior to orgasm and on the edge of orgasm, you start to expand what is, for most people, a few seconds. A few seconds of pulse, pulse, contract, contract, and then it’s over. Then there’s a decline in energy.
But in a Tantric encounter, you get to that edge, you breathe and you breathe and you breathe, and that moment of pre-orgasm gets bigger and bigger and bigger. It begins to bleed into an experience of orgasm that then gets bigger and bigger and bigger. It’s this massive, full-body, full-being, multidimensional, ongoing orgasm.
You can have orgasms that last for hours and even days. All of this is born out of your breath.
Your breath also has the benefit not only of moving and recirculating sexual energy in the body, so instead of just dumping it and ejecting it out at the genitals, we are disseminating that energy throughout our entire system and giving ourselves a full-body, blissful orgasm.
But the other thing that breath does is bring you present. It brings you inside your body. It’s kind of like using a mantra in meditation. It’s something for you to hold onto and keep connected.
I went through some breathing exercises last week as well, and most of my free video series have breathing techniques that you can take a look at. For the Well-F**ked Woman Salon, Sexual Mastery for Men, and Coming Together, I’ve got free video series that are on my website under salons. If you sign up for these series, each of them walks you through these breathing techniques that you can use that night.
Eye contact is another one, and I also spoke about this last week in the Energy, Sex, and Orgasms podcast.
Eye contact really is like the window of the soul. There’s no hiding. There’s no way for you to check out and escape and think about your grocery list or sneak in a porn fantasy along the way. [Laughs] You have to be fully, completely present and seen by your partner.
It’s another way that keeps you present, and it’s also another way that deepens your connection.
Same thing with the breath. When you start to breathe deeply and synchronize your breathing together, you’ll find that it harmonizes and merges your energy fields, and that’s the name of the game.
I would suggest keeping eye contact as much as you can throughout the sexual encounter. Don’t make it too tedious, and don’t do it in a position like doggie style. I’ve had to go to quite a few chiropractic visits because I just didn’t learn my lesson and would turn around and wind up with PTSS, or post-traumatic sex syndrome, from trying to crane my neck back during the act. So don’t make eye contact in that position.
But in any face-to-face position, I would recommend that you do it, even if it feels uncomfortable. It probably will feel uncomfortable. It’s bizarrely and remarkably one of the things that is hardest for us to do, and that’s being seen. Really opening ourselves up. Not distracting, not checking out, but being seen. That is one of the most healing things that you can do in the sexual experience.
The other thing to do would be to slow down. One of the most profound sexual experiences of my life was on a six-day sex date that I had. We went away for six days, and we were in this secluded, off-the-grid, outdoor, barefoot luxury-type living place. It was so beautiful.
We were cut off from the rest of the world. This was back in the day when we barely had any Wi-Fi. You had to go down to the eating area to get any signal, so we were pretty removed from our day-to-day lives.
We had foreplay for about three or four days. Not minutes, not hours—days before we even had penetration and intercourse. We’d had it before in our relationship, but somehow, we both just lapsed into this space of spreading out the entire encounter.
So there was lots and lots and lots of massage and touch and touching near and around genitals, but not even touching genitals for at least two and maybe three days. It was lots and lots of warm-up and massage and delightful teasing where you would get so turned on and so wet and so aroused by all the touch in these areas, around these areas, but not directly on them.
It really did have this whole quality of making love. That’s a throwaway phrase, and we use it all the time, but to actually make love, in your encounters, you are creating and generating the tangible substance of love.
This was totally, totally life-changing. So eventually when we did have sex, we were doing it for hours. We would stay up all night and many hours in the day, and we would just go down to get a bite to eat or swim in the ocean. I think we did the occasional yoga class just to give our legs a stretch out, especially me, holding open the thighs [laughs]. Good to go stretch those babies out a little bit.
My heart was so open, my being was so open, all the things that I talk about where you come to this place of full self-possession and love and embodiment and being the highest version of yourself. So coming from this place of compassion and understanding and truth and connection and being able to just go with the flow in all areas of your life. Whatever comes at you, you just have an answer. You reach up into the ethers, and you grab your answer effortlessly.
That’s the key thing: You’re literally born like Venus arising out of that shell, and you are a new being. Like I said, you don’t go back. You are permanently altered by these experiences.
You walk out into the world and, like I said, then that energy wraps itself around you for days. You can physically tune into it as arousal, like a fluttering in the clitoris, or even just spontaneously have another orgasm. That love and connection are amplified, and you develop more of a psychic connection. You start to tune into the other person’s thinking—and I talked about this last week as well—their thoughts, their feelings. Like you’re about to call them and they call you or whatever. All these manifestations of a telepathic connection that we don’t think that we’re capable of because we’ve relegated that part of our brains to email [laughs] instead of cultivating that within.
I’m very passionate about all this undiscovered potential of the mind and body and spirit, and that’s one of the things I’ve noticed: When I’ve gotten very, very close to people, that becomes much stronger.
Or the idea of communicating in other messages. Let’s say, I don’t know, there’s a catchphrase for you, or maybe you guys have a song. When you’re feeling really passionate or thinking about your partner, you can get into the car and—boom—that song comes on.
Those kinds of things. You know what I’m talking about. They’re coincidence, but they’re not. They’re the magic and the energy of the universe revealing itself to you because you’ve stepped up into another level of existence.
I touched on this earlier, but orgasm is not the goal, and we want to expand the definition of orgasm. Most people think of orgasm as a very finite build, build, build, get to a peak, contraction, contraction, contraction, descent of energy, pass out. That’s most people’s experience of orgasm.
I’m going for something different. You want to build, plateau, build, plateau, build, plateau, and never really drop off. You don’t ever have to have that decline in energy. You walk away feeling like you’re humming.
That’s what I say to people. If you don’t feel like you want to run a marathon after you have sex, you’re doing it wrong. Because instead of recirculating that energy and harvesting it and keeping it for yourself, or exchanging it with your partner and strengthening it even more, you’re just dumping it out. Anyone can just bust out an orgasm. “Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop … Pshew!” Off you go, and generally pass out, and feel tired and depleted afterward. That’s because you have wasted this energy. You’ve taken all this high-quality, incredible, fountain-of-youth power and just dumped it.
Instead, through all these principles of slowing down, clearing blockages, breathing, and eye contact, you will expand the experience of being in your life, in your lovemaking, in your bed, in your connection with each other. You walk out feeling, like I said, all the way changed. Like you’re still wearing all that arousal.
I believe that couples ought to exist in a perpetual state of simmer and arousal with each other.
Most people would think about orgasm as a 10, non-arousal as a 0, and then when you want to have sex, maybe you start at like a 2, and you have to work your way all the way up to orgasm.
I suggest that couples learn to live at a 7 or 8 all the time. So there’s always this kinetic buzz of desire that’s flowing between the two of you, and you’re having sex all day long, whether you’re in bed or touching or not.
Examples of this would be having little make-out sessions or a passionate, sensual kiss. Not the perfunctory peck on the lips, but a sensual kiss, and then go do something else. Or you go up and give your partner’s genitals a rub or even a quick lick, and then go do something else. You’re constantly stoking that fire.
Where for most people, they get to their 0, their 10, and then they go back to 0 again, or a 1 or a 2. I say, “No, no, no. You want to live at a 7 or 8 all the time.”
Then it starts to feel like maybe a lot of energy. And you’re right, it is a lot. You are now, instead of throwing all this energy away, keeping it and using it. This is one of the big messages of my work: You can consciously use this energy in your lives. But that only happens if you’re cultivating high-quality energy through this kind of conscious connection. You’re recirculating and harvesting this energy through all these different techniques, and then you’re channeling it out into your life.
At the end of this, orgasm? Yes, no, maybe so. It doesn’t matter so much. Instead of a 1 to 10 as your experience of orgasm, you’re now from a 0 to a 100. Meaning there are all these stops along the way, and by the time you get into the territory of 80 or 90, whether you have an actual “poof” at the end or not doesn’t even matter because you’ve already gotten to this territory of high-level, blow-your-mind, blow-your-body, just don’t blow your load necessarily, kind of bliss.
You’ve already experienced all these neurotransmitter, hormonal, biochemical bliss signals. You’ve already gotten to these higher, transcendent places of transformation within yourself and each other, so at the end of that, the little “poof” at the end doesn’t matter so much.
I still want people to have full ability to reach all these places, but what I’m saying is if you’re doing all these other things, you’re kind of sprinkling that throughout the entire experience. The pinnacle of orgasm becomes much less significant. It’s almost irrelevant at that point because you’ve taken that thing and spread it over the entire experience.
Then you’ve been fed, you’ve been nourished, you’ve been kissed by all this powerful energy. That, to me, is what Tantra and Taoism are. They’re about all these things. Such a deeper tapping into yourself, the power of sexual energy, the exchange of that energy, and allowing it to permeate through your consciousness, blast away your blockages and blast away the old ideas of who you think you are, so that you can become who you really are.
And to attain these much higher states of love and awareness. If we’re thinking crown chakra, divine love, and divine awareness, that’s what you’re really tuning into. You’re tuning into this energy field of the universe, where all those things are so much more readily available to you.
That’s when I talk about having this sense that, “My intuition is clearer. My creativity is clearer.” It’s because you’re tapping into source. You now have a much more direct connection to source. These are the secrets of sexuality.
This is another massive tool for self-regeneration that every single person has available to them at their fingertips.
Just to remind you, so you don’t forget, or if you’re new to the podcast, there’s something that I call the Anami guarantee. That is all experiences, all people. I absolutely do not buy into the idea that, “Oh, only some people can have these things. Only some people can learn to have sex for six hours at a time. Only some women can have cervical orgasms.”
Even if you don’t have a cervix, you can still have one. I guarantee it. I guarantee that all these experiences are possibly for everybody, and it’s all a matter of applying these tools and then having the faith that you can get there.
Or just trust me. If you think there’s any ounce of believability in what I’m saying to you, well, I invite you to take a chance and believe it’s also possible for you, too.
I’ve had people buy into the story that they were just one of those people who couldn’t do this, whatever it is. Like having sex for an hour, say, as a guy, or having a G-spot ejaculation, as a woman. I told them, “No, you absolutely can,” and they went home that night and did it. Or maybe it took them a few days, and they did it.
I see it over and over and over again, which is why I can be here confidently and say to you, “This is possible. For you, for everyone. Absolutely, without a doubt.”
All right. The Coming Together Salon starts today, and registration for it closes tomorrow, Friday, at midnight PST. I’d love to have you join us. In the salon, we go through a lot of the stuff that I talked about here. Everything from really deep and impactful block clearing to yoni and lingam massage—very long, extended tutorials on that. How to create a conscious, gourmet-sex relationship, how to get to all these different types of orgasms, from cervical orgasms to energy orgasms to orgasms without ejaculation. How to keep at that constant simmer in your life. I go through different types of deeper Tantric and Taoist exercises for you to practice with each other.
Because my whole goal is for everybody to be well fucked and discover the life-affirming, life-changing, elevating potential that comes when you come together and you find this power between your legs and in your hearts and in your higher centers, and you unite them all.
Come one, come all. You can find the Coming Together Salon here.
The Coming Together Salon is my ten-week online program for couples, although we do have some singles take it as well, so that they learn how to create a conscious relationship. Then, because you have lifetime access to the program, you can always do it again in the future when you find that amazing person. Check out my How to Attract a Partner podcast for info on that.
But for you couples, this is the premier guide to how to really build this kind of multidimensional, life-changing partnership that everyone can and ought to have. Your intimate relationship was really designed to be this powerful rejuvenation sanctuary and ecstatic experience as a mainstay of your life and your existence.
