In and Out
It’s the rhythm of the penultimate sexual thrusting.
The microcosm of every movement of the universe.
Moving toward, going away from.
I’m in, I’m out.
The yin, the yang.
In our intimate relationship, the true power of that connection is only realized when we are “all in”.
When the genitals are all in, when the heart is all in.
Literally, when the cock is deep inside.
When the vagina is fully surrendered and receptive.
When the heart is open and unguarded.
That’s the turning point on which everything hinges: the only way to harness the power of your intimate relationship is when you are “all in.”
If you are hedging your bets, living with your guard even slightly up, you won’t be able to tune into this power.
You’ll make up rationalizations, like “monogamy doesn’t work!” because you aren’t actually being monogamous. I.e. you aren’t committing all of your emotional and sexual resources to your partner.
Conscious monogamy isn’t just about not fucking other people.
That’s the most basic definition of it.
It’s about giving everything you’ve got to your partner: heart, cock, vagina.
If you are balancing on the fence, holding back, you aren’t actually monogamous.
You’re playing a half-ass, protect-yourself, game.
Most of our emotional lives are peppered with our own self-inflicted land mines.
We lay them out, sometimes consciously, mostly unconsciously, to protect ourselves from being too vulnerable, from going too deep.
We take a job offer that pulls us away from home and our lover.
Yes, on paper it’s a good career move.
But what I have seen over and over again when working with couples, is that our outer lives reflect our inner distance.
Meaning, when we sort out our own fears and blocks and dare to go a level deeper, dare to trust, dare to go “all in”, magically, these outer obstacles evaporate.
The job offer then comes closer to home.
The projects that caused more stress and ate up more of our time start to ease off.
Our children, who were acting up, begin to calm.
It’s subtle: all these reverberations of fear and protection that show up in our lives, that WE manifest.
As soon as we buck up, and we commit, the whole game changes.
Space opens up.
Your defences, both internal and the outer manifestations of them, fade away.
How do we do this?
1) Be honest, more honest than you think you can.
Are you really “all in”?
One of my life mottos is: If you aren’t scared shitless, you aren’t aiming high enough.
This means that you’ve got skin in the game. It’s a beautiful, belly-butterflies feeling of: Something is at risk here.
When you hit this feeling, you know you’re at the edge, the precipice that means something.
I can measure it in surfing waves. When I look back, and see a wave that gives me that feeling, not just one that I know I can make, I’m at my edge.
2) Accept that you build up defences, all day, all night long, that protect you from getting hurt.
The truth is buried somewhere beneath them all.
If you knew this was true, look at your life and see where you’ve potentially created barriers to depth and intimacy.
Anything that takes you away from, rather than moving you toward, is a defence of sorts.
There are lots of socially sanctioned excuses for not having time for your relationship: work, children, social commitments.
The only truth is that if you aren’t living in the delicious, tender, delicate, fully open space of deep love, you are living in some kind of defence-constructed existence.
And it’s going to block the flow of everything: your orgasms, your cash, your career, your children and of course, your relationship.
Your relationship is the nucleus.
Just like the microcosmic cell, it “directs the growth, metabolism (the sum of the physical and chemical processes in an organism by which its material substance is maintained, and destroyed, and by which energy is made available), and reproduction” in your lives.
It functions at its highest potential, and can have the most powerful impact in your lives, when you are “all in”.
Image above: Me, “all in”, dunesurfing in the Sahara Desert. I’ve been on a vaginal weight lifting tour in Morocco. Follow me on Instagram to see me lift my way across the country! #thingsiliftwithmyvagina