Please just f**k the shit out of your girlfriend instead
I was at Whole Foods yesterday and there was a special flower stand set up in the parking lot.
It was crammed with poor schmucks who were in a frenzy to purchase their very special Valentine’s Day gift for their lovers.
Please don’t bring home flowers or chocolate. All this really says is:
“I forgot it was Valentine’s Day and I was so glad there were stacks of chocolate at the store or I never would have remembered to get something for you. Because I’m clueless and I don’t care.”
Now, let me make it clear that I personally don’t put much stock in official holidays. In my family, we have created a non-holiday tradition with the idea to be generous, and to give gifts just because, throughout the year.
However. Many people do put a lot of stock in holidays.
People like your girlfriend!
Here are the do’s and don’ts for V-Day. Which might be better named as “Vagina Day,” but I know some of you dudes might like it too.
– Get flowers
– Get chocolate
– Go to dinner
Notice a pattern here? All of these things are routine, boring, and show no real personalization to your partners.
– Something original. It could be as simple as you writing a poem—yes, writing it in your own words.
It might be you framing a favourite picture of the two of you with an inscription on the back.
You could give her a beach rock in the shape of a heart that you found on the day you knew you fell in love with her.
It has to be something which has meaning for the two of you only.
Even if the monetary value is zero, the heart value is what we’re after here.
And if you open her heart, you open her vagina.
Which brings us to:
– F**k the shit out of her. Give her orgasms. Please note that I used the plural.
One orgasm is never enough for women. Well, they might think it is if their goal is to avoid sex and get it over with. Then they’ll think one is enough. But in that case there are deeper issues. And they’ll need my How to Be a Well-F**ked Woman course to wake them up.
For a woman to be well-f**ked, she needs several orgasms.
You can let her rest in-between orgasms, and during those rest periods. some organic dark chocolate may not be a bad idea (but chocolate on its own is a terrible idea).
The thing your woman wants most from you is for you to hunt her down, pry her open and find her core.
When you find it, you keep opening her, until she’s been so opened that she breaks.
That’s what I want for Valentine’s Day.
And I guarantee, that’s what your woman wants too.