The FÜKMOR Parenting Method TRANSCRIPT
One of the most common and socially acceptable excuses for not having sex as a couple, is when you have children.
No one will fault you for that.
Oh, you have a new baby? Of course you aren’t having sex!
You haven’t had sex in a few years? Well you have so many children, how could you ever find the time?”
The irony here is that the more you have sex, the easier and more effective your parenting will be.
The better the sex you have, you’ll find that your whole life, especially as a parent, flows with ease and grace and harmony.
Wanna know why?
Because your bed is the epicentre of your family.
That’s where your children came from, right?
The energy that you cultivate from your intimate life radiates out and reverberates into everything you do.
Especially your children and family.
You, as the couple, are the engine.
When you are in love and having passionate, life-changing, life-building sex, you are feeding and nourishing yourselves and everyone around you.
Especially those closest to you
They feel the changes in barometric pressure the strongest.
When you are in strife and fighting with each other, or living in a defended space with each other, that is the frequency that filters down into your children.
That is the food they are eating.
And that is the energy they will mirror back to you and express out in the world.
I’ve seen this in countless couples over the years.
When they come to me, and their relationship is in stress, inevitably their children are too.
So what is the solution?
Why, the FUKMOR Parenting Method, of course.
Over the years, as I’ve worked with countless couples and coach them in the FUKMOR Method, as we saw their relationship heal and flourish, so did the behaviour of their children.
They became calmer, happier, more open, they share more and communicate.
This energy that YOU generate—this magical, life-force energy—FEEDS everyone in your midst.
Especially those who were birthed from it.
The old idea that you could hide the state of your relationship from your children, and couples who “stay together because of the kids” is one of the most damaging things you could ever do to your children.
Because you are living a lie.
You are modelling a lie.
And that will be the biggest lesson they learn from you.
That they too, should have a relationship based on lies and that true love and intimacy isn’t for them.
Isn’t that what you’ve been teaching them for the last however many years?
The best lesson and modelling you can give them for life and love and their entire future is that you love and fuck the shit out of each other.
And that becomes the strength that supports and nurtures everything and everyone around you.
You are each other’s source of energy.
So many couples, under the stress of having a new baby and not being deeply connected to begin with, instead of turning to each other, turn away from each other and into themselves.
They don’t live and love and parent as a unit, but as two independent entities.
They forget or they’ve never known that they are stronger when united.
If you add on top of this a traumatic brith—which nearly all hospital births are—you have a couple emerging out of their brith experiences with PTSD, a disconnected relationship (even though they might not know it) and are now thrown into the deep end of the challenges of parenting.
Is it any wonder they struggle?
The big secret though is that you will gain the most energy, strength, patience, intuition and joy if you know and make a way of life out of your relationship being the centre of everything.
THIS is your sanctuary and fuelling station: the place you go to recharge, surrender, let go and find yourself.
In each other’s arms, hearts and genitals.
IN today’s all star interview, we have Mara and Phil.
We’ve interviewed Mara in another all star episode called 5 Techniques to Create a Super Pussy which is Season 4, Episode 1.
Mara and Phil have a blended family of six children between them, including a toddler and a six-week-old baby and she was tandem breastfeeding them during our interview.
I kid you not.
So whenever you catch yourself making excuses for “why you can’t”, remember that’s a choice.
And then listen to this interview.
Mara and Phil All Star Interview
KIM: Welcome, Mara and Phil! And there is Mara, tandem breastfeeding as we speak.
PHIL: Good morning.
KIM: Tell us all about the FÜKMOR parenting method. You’ve been on this epic odyssey as parents, flying in the face of what a lot of people would see. Like we’ve been talking about, the number one socially accepted excuse for why parents don’t have sex is because they have children—and that excuse can fly for many, many years.
And you’ve done the opposite of that, where you’ve really taken your intimate life as nourishment for being parents. Tell us all about that, and any part of your journey you think would be inspiring and relevant for people listening.
PHIL: We took a few of your courses individually, and then your Coming Together course was about two years ago. And then we took one last year. We had our first baby, Elvis, and he’s almost two now. And then we just had Hercules here, five or six weeks ago.
KIM: I love the names.
PHIL: [Laughs] Yeah, sex really has played a key part in being parents and being able to raise the boys, especially as close as they are.
I’m an engineer. I have an engineering background, computer engineering, and I have always been organized. I’ve got to have systems in place. Mara and I met a few years back, and I started to change my perspective on that a lot and tap into more of an intuition and flow. I would say that’s really what has been essential to being able to adapt as needed to raise these boys; there’s just no way you can get organization when you’ve got young kids with their needs and waking at different times, keying off each other. When one of them has needs, the other needs feeding, and then you’re dealing with being tired and all of that.
That ability to flow and adapt and be light and follow your intuition in those types of situations—I can’t imagine the old me being able to handle this. [Laughs]
I think your course has really opened the door to that, and then Mara and I have continued to, in our own personal development, go toward that intuitive approach. That’s just been a really powerful combo. I still have that engineering mindset, organization, but I also am able to tap into my own intuition a lot better.
KIM: Right. I like that. Organization, most people would see as really positive. I’m wondering if you mean that idea of being in control. Where there’s a need to try to control things that you have to let go of. Organization is always a great thing, but control would be hard to surrender.
PHIL: Yeah, that’s a good way to put it—trying to be organized. We try to get up at a certain time each day. We try to get breakfast ready for everybody. We try to do dinner together as a family. We’ve got six kids in the family. There’s about a ten-year-gap between our older ones and these two, so that’s kind of—
MARA: The organization is essential, but there are things that come up, like we were just talking about lack of sleep; you just make it work. I think that’s more what he’s speaking to—it’s a choice. Do you want to enjoy your life? Do you want to show up for your partner? Do you want to feel good in your body? All of these things are choices and so, yeah, we make the choice to not make excuses and to not fall into those traps. It’s so easy to do, and it’s so accepted by society.
PHIL: You have these best-laid plans and when something does not go to plan, it’s almost like there’s this decision point where you can really let it get to you or you can—
MARA: Embrace it.
PHIL: Yeah. You can embrace, okay, the wheels have fallen off here. We’re just going to go with this and see what happens. I think that’s something I really learned from Mara, and she’s modeled that. I think these two younger ones really benefit from that.
MARA: I think when you say the wheels fall off—this is new for you, stepping into this whole path. We call it organized chaos, by the way. Because it is. It’s organized, but it is chaotic just because there are so many bodies. But there are so many unexpected things that come up. We have teenagers who have issues. They’ve got so many schedules to work around. We’ve got middle school, elementary school, and then baby and toddler. There are so many unexpected things that come up, so just going with the flow and being happy throughout that, I think, is something that has transferred over from the work that we’ve done.
“Okay, let’s see where this is going to take us.” We’re confident in our ability to handle anything in any situation, no matter how much sleep we’ve had, no matter what the situation is. It’s like we got this, and we know what we want as a result. We want a happy family. We want a cohesive family. We want the kids to get along. We want them to know we love them. We want them to feel supported. We want to support each other in our goals and dreams. It’s a daily choice over and over and over again. We have to keep choosing to not make excuses, to show up. Yeah.
KIM: I love that. I think that’s such a key, that choice not to feel like a victim or feel sorry for ourselves or like, “Why me? What a pain in the ass. Why is this happening?” But rather, as you say, go with the flow, know that you’ve got this, and choose to handle it gracefully and positively.
Let’s talk about how you got there. How did you get to this place of having this energy and faith in your own ability to manage these things? Mara, I know you’ve shared about this in another podcast episode, but I’d love to hear a bit about your journey initially, through having your first baby and how your sexual practices informed that as a starting place and then go on from there and share what’s happened since then and where you guys are now.
MARA: I found you in the summer of ’21.
PHIL: Was it ’21?
MARA: Yes, it was when Elvis was born. I was pregnant with him, and I had emailed your staff. “Which course do I take? I know The Well-F**ked Woman is coming up and I’m very interested in it, but I’m also pregnant. Should I take the——”
KIM: Vaginal Kung Fu or Sexy Mama.
MARA: Sexy Mama, yeah. And she said, “Why don’t you just take this one because it’s right now?” And I said, “Okay.” So I started the next week. I actually ended up having him weeks early, so I was in the middle of the course, during Well-F**ked Woman. And I’m so glad that I had done that because a lot of the things I had learned helped me in birth and then healing afterward.
KIM: Would you say vaginal awareness is what helped you through birth in that course in particular in terms of your sexual energy?
MARA: It doesn’t really matter why you start, right? You’re drawn to things for a particular reason, but it was like we had a new relationship. We had just gotten married that summer, and we’d been together two years before that, so we were still trying to figure out how we meshed together. I grew up very religious and so sex was very taboo; we didn’t talk about it. I didn’t really know how to bring up sexual things with him and how to talk with him and work through things when I had a problem or when he had a problem. I think that was my initial pull toward your work.
I learned vaginal awareness, body awareness, and it was also this spiritual light that turned on in me where I could feel the sexual energy. I felt turned on everywhere that I went, and I said, “What is this?” I think I even emailed you one time, “Is this normal? I feel like I’m walking down the street and I am high. What is going on? I feel light, like I’m being carried. I feel like I have this line in front of me, like I know exactly what I need to do, where I need to be. I feel guided.”
I had always struggled with postpartum depression with all my kids, but after Elvis was born, not the slightest sign of it. I was happy beyond happy. His birth was extremely orgasmic and I glowed after. People said, did you just have a baby? What are you drinking? What are you eating? How did you do this?
KIM: Come. Lots of come.
MARA: [Laughs] Yeah, that was huge, the postpartum depression. And also just the healing of my body as well. My vagina didn’t feel like I had just given birth. I think a lot of that is the societal expectations put on you, or excuses. “You have to wait six weeks to have sex, and you’re going to feel like you were hit by a train.” I said, “I feel amazing.” I think I shared this story of how I made 100 cinnamon rolls a week after he was born. We had this farm event. And I said, “Yeah, let’s do it.” I just put him in the carrier, and I felt great. Yeah.
PHIL: Yeah. And just from a guy’s perspective, I would say our sex life has changed 180%. It’s turned around 180 degrees since when we first met. As a guy, I could really feel it as you got in touch with yourself. We would have sex and it was good, but there wasn’t that absolute connection and flow to it because I wasn’t good at talking about it and being open. It wasn’t something that came up that we really talked about. When we started your course, I thought, okay, well, maybe things will get a little better and we’ll learn a thing or two here and there. But it has been a whole transformation that really kicked off with taking the course, but then it’s how it changes you. It kind of starts you on this path, and then as you look at yourself and your own hangups, you just become more and more open. I think we’re still big time on this journey, but it’s just—
MARA: It snowballed for sure.
PHIL: Yeah. We look at each other during sex or after sex and say, “Oh my God, I can’t believe how good this has gotten.”
MARA: Yeah, yeah.
PHIL: So that’s been great.
MARA: That’s it for the baby thing, but we have so many more things we can share about how it’s transformed our life.
KIM: I’d love to hear all of that and how else you might articulate your sexual connection and what it does for you as parents. You’ve already said that, but whatever else you want to share would be great to really demonstrate to people the truth of this, so they get it.
PHIL: Do you have anything that jumps out that you want to speak to?
MARA: Yes. Something that’s recently shifted for us is we’ve been much more fully locked in to our authenticity individually. It’s something that we’ve been slowly taking steps toward, but just this last week, we said we don’t feel like we have to do anything for anyone, be anything for anyone, say the right thing for anyone—we’re just ourselves.
I noticed a huge impact on the kids and especially the teenagers in that sense. My 15-year-old daughter is starting to date and she said, “Mom, he told his friends he thinks I’m fat or whatever and so that’s why he dumped me. What’s wrong with him?” Normally she’d be in a puddle of tears, but she just said, “What’s his problem? I have a big booty, but I like my booty.” And I said, “Yeah, you do!” [Laughs]
I don’t want to take credit for that because she was born how she was born, but I know there’s a huge impact when parents are the way that they are; it transfers energetically to the kids.
Behavior has been a huge shift. When we first got together, he said, “What is the deal with your kids?” [Laughs] No, not really, but he said, “We need to shape this ship up, right?” We made a few organizational changes in how they do chores and things like that, but the more peaceful that we get with each other and with ourselves, the better our household runs. It’s smoother. The kids all just kind of do their own thing and they’re happy and they get along. We have fights every once in a while, but they don’t last long.
I think this is a huge benefit to the kids, and we don’t have to say a word. They kind of know what we’re doing, but we don’t have to tell them, “Here’s how you should act,” and “We want you to be peaceful.” It’s just kind of energetically transferred to them.
PHIL: Yeah. For our two younger boys, I feel like this has allowed us to really tap into our intuition. The world lays out this plan and path for kids to follow and for us to follow as adults in raising them. But I think we’ve really taken this approach of, okay, what feels right to us? And I think it’s given us that freedom, looking at education and medical decisions and what kind of values we want to instill and model for them. It cleared the path so that we can really look within authentically and say, “Okay, what works for us?” And to be able to trust that enough to pass that along to these guys, who are the most special thing to us. We want the best for them.
KIM: I love that. This reinforces what I say to people: the couple and their intimate connection really are the fuel for the family. You are the engine for the family and when your connection is running smoothly and you are using each other as an energy source, that then ripples out into all your lives, but especially your family and your children. They are who feel it most strongly. When there’s chaos and strife within the couple and their relationship, sexually speaking, emotionally speaking, then that reverberates out into the children, and they become chaotic and stressed and belligerent and act out.
When the couple is in harmony, that same harmony then flows out to the rest of the family. Whether the couple understands this or not—and I would assert that most do not; most people have no idea how that’s connected—it’s absolutely, fundamentally, inextricably connected. Parents really don’t get the gravity of how important their relationship is holding the bar as the barometer, as the stage setter for the entire family.
The irony is that when parents think they don’t have time to have sex, they’re actually creating more damage and chaos in their family life than when they prioritize their sex life, and that becomes the source for everything.
PHIL: I could not agree with that more. Oh my gosh. It’s like the minute we start to get separated, even in a small way, there’s absolutely no hiding that. You think you can go through the day or put a fake smile on, and nobody will tell, and that is absolutely not the case.
Yeah, I think that’s really something we realized in the last, I would say, six months—if we get disconnected, if we’re not on the same wavelength, you can immediately tell in the kids.
MARA: They attack. It’s like they feed off it. “Ooh, Mom and Dad are out of sync; we can get what we want here.” Not what they want, but it’s like they can sense it and they try to fix it, I think. They come in with more chaos to try to point out, “Something is not right here.”
I heard somewhere that when somebody is not feeling well emotionally, they try to make the other person feel just as bad. Right? Have you heard this? When a toddler throws a tantrum, their goal is to get the parents to feel how they’re feeling. “I feel awful, and so I’m going to make you feel awful as well.” So I feel like that’s what the kids are doing. When we’re not in sync, when the house isn’t really running smoothly, they act out to say they’re not feeling well. They feel the dis-ease in the house. They feel the lack of peace. The opposite happens just as quickly.
We’ll have a sex date and where, before, we’d say, “We didn’t get any sleep. What are we going to do today?” blah, blah, blah, “We have so much to do,” now it’s [sighs], “Everything is okay. We’re all going to be good. Let’s go make breakfast.” The kids are good and everything’s good and we accomplish everything and more that we need to in that day.
I don’t know. It just works.
PHIL: Yeah. I think it’s easy to think about your relationship or parenting as these physical things that happen. Well, did we get enough sleep? Or did we get the kids to their appointment on time or to their activity?
MARA: Are they getting good grades?
PHIL: Yeah, but there’s this emotional need to be attached—it’s so easy to overlook, but it is so critical to everything else flowing, and that awareness has really come to the forefront lately.
MARA: And I think it’s especially important because we are a blended family. I had four children and then Phil and I met. So he is learning to make those connections with the older kids, and we would not be successful if we did not have this work in our lives. The communication dates, the sex dates, the clearing of the glass, all of that. Just the energy of being connected. They say 75% of second marriages end in divorce. Why is that? Why does that happen? Because you carry your same issues in from your last relationship. It’s choice after choice after choice. We don’t want that. We want to have a successful home life and family life, and so we choose it over and over again.
PHIL: Yeah. We did the clearing the glass dates twice a week for a while, to get us started, and those are really hard.
MARA: We still do them once a week.
PHIL: Yeah. Yeah, we’ll go out on a date and do that. But it was really hard to be open. It is incredibly hard to say the things that are really deep down that you think you can cover over or just not bring up. That was a lot of tough work. Mara had to pry some things out of me sometimes and I think now we’ve gotten through that initial phase where it’s like, okay, here’s this thing that I’ve been sitting on for weeks or months or years, and finally being able to vocalize that. There have been a few things that we’ve said that have been really hard. “Oh my God, is this going to end the relationship by saying this?”
We’ve found that it really has enhanced it. It might be you’re thinking to yourself a day or two, but you come around and you’re that much closer.
We don’t have them twice a week now. We still have them when we go out on our weekly date, but we’re able to just get those things out much faster and it’s become much easier.
KIM: In Anami language, we talk about this clear glass, a transparent pane that’s between the two people. P-A-N-E, and sometimes P-A-I-N, that we need to clear so that there’s no residual stuff that we’re holding onto. Stuff that weighs us down or that could have an impact on the relationship energetically, even if we try to rationalize, “This could be too destructive to discuss and maybe damaging to put out there,” but you’re confirming in your experience that doing so might be scary and jumping off a cliff, but ultimately, it becomes better. It’s cleansing and brings you even closer.
PHIL: Yeah. Absolutely. It is. It’s like you close your eyes and jump off the cliff and hope that you make a landing.
MARA: But it’s absolutely necessary for the type of relationship that we have.
And the kids, too. Interestingly enough, our daughter is opening up a lot. She tells us things that I don’t think a teenager would tell their parents normally. “Oh, so and so thought I was crazy for telling you this.” It’s really cool to have that model with our relationship that hopefully will vibrate out. We share who we are, we show up as we are, and then everybody has permission to be themselves, and it’s okay.
KIM: That’s so beautiful, and I think that’s so accurate. I think the generation I grew up in, or at least maybe the family dynamic and social examples, was more about hiding those things. Hiding, “Oh, we can’t share that with the children, and we can’t let the children see that,” versus what I teach in my work and what you’re talking about—this idea of being fully open and authentic and honest, both in your own relationship and your relationship with your children. Yes, I believe that by osmosis, they pick up all that modeling.
The best protection, the best education we can give children, has to come from within them. A certain kind of autonomy and self-confidence. And if we’re modeling that, and that’s the energy of the household, that’s what they will take out into the world, especially in vulnerable times like their teenage years, where there can be such a potential threat to their own self-development. Where they can get captured in these different personas and psyops and, I would say, traps that really can hinder their self-realization. But you are meant to be true guides for them. We do it through being ourselves, not by telling so much, but just by being and showing.
MARA: Yeah. What a freeing thing that is, too. You don’t have to worry, “Oh, do they like me for me?” because you know. Either you like me, or you don’t, but I’m going to be me. And the kids are finding that. Our 10-year-old said, “These kids don’t like me. They think I’m weird. But you know what, Mom? I think I just have to be myself.” He said what you just said, all from within. “I am weird, and I have to be that way. You know what? There is one kid who likes me for my weirdness.” I said, “Great. All you need is one friend.”
Yeah, it’s beautiful, and we need more people who show up with their weird selves and say, “This is who I am, take it or leave it.”
In shifting from one marriage to another, it was like I came in with all these grudges. “Oh, you know, I’ll never accept this treatment again.” I can’t think of any specific thing, but for a while, I was really nitpicky at him. “No, you can’t do that. No, I won’t accept that. I’m too good for that,” whatever.
Then once we started doing this glass clearing, it was like I wasn’t looking at myself. I wasn’t looking at the responsibility that I had to keep this relationship harmonious as well, and so when a lot of that faded, I softened a lot. Not to say that I’m this horrible person that was causing all the issues, but it’s just so relaxing and freeing to take full responsibility for everything and to share everything. To just be totally open and honest.
In defense mode, I wasn’t able to be in a relationship. Which is why my marriage failed, and it was why maybe this one would’ve, too, because I wasn’t myself. I was defensive and I wasn’t sharing who I truly was, and we did not have a great sexual connection. It was fine, it was sex, but it wasn’t gourmet sex, as you say.
You said, “My lover can touch my arm and I have…” and I said, “No way, that’s BS.” But now I realize, “Yeah [laughs], that can totally happen.”
The other day I had two orgasms before Phil even entered me. I said, “Whoa! How is this happening?” It’s practice and it’s honesty and it’s openness and it’s vulnerability. Yeah. We have this deep spiritual connection that’s so much farther beyond the physical, and before sex was just physical. “Did that feel good to you?” “Yeah.” “Did that feel good to you?” “Yeah.” “Cool.” Success. [Laughs] It’s not for that anymore. I mean, there’s still that element to it, but it’s way, way bigger.
KIM: Tell me more about that evolution, when you talk about being able to have orgasms even without touch or penetration. Through this deepening of your connection, you say you have now cultivated this radical honesty, this openness with each other, this deeper spiritual, emotional closeness. How has that changed your own sex life? Are there any examples you’d be willing to share?
PHIL: We would have sex before and she wouldn’t orgasm. We’d have to use toys and stuff to make that happen.
MARA: Like a vibrator or something.
PHIL: Yeah. And it would be 15 minutes, maybe 30 minutes, and we’d say, “Okay, cool, we’re done.” And my own belief was, “Well, that’s pretty good for a guy. I’m doing all right. And there’s not much I can do to improve that. I’m just as good as I am.” And through your teachings, I was able to figure out, no, there’s a lot more that I can do as a guy. Then I started to see her opening up and being in touch with herself and you can feel that in sex. Mara started having orgasms, and it was one every once in a while at first, and now it’s ten or more, if we go for a while. Our sessions, we still have short ones, and we can go an hour or two if we want to.
MARA: More like if we have time to. There’s no excuse then; we have quickies that are incredibly, incredibly powerful. One time, we had just gotten back from Hawaii, and the toddler walked in, so we had to be done—how long was that? Fifteen, 20 minutes?
PHIL: Yeah. Maybe 15 minutes.
MARA: And it was incredible! That fueled me for a week.
PHIL: Yeah. We got started this morning and she was breastfeeding Hercules, and you just kind of fit it in. That’s not to say we’re able to do this all the time. We’ve got our responsibilities and all that. But I think we realize now that if things aren’t going well or we need help, we need to get back together and either clear the glass or sexually connect and it’s just made an incredible difference.
I can see it just individually. That’s been a part of both of our second marriage, just having this humility and understanding that you have to start with looking at yourself and you can’t have an ego. I think we’ve become aware of where our egos have gotten in the way. But we’ve both been wanting to look at ourselves and kind of feel our way through this.
The courses were the opening to that. Certainly we’ve done our own journey and had other learnings, but that intuition started with that embrace of sex and being much more open.
MARA: I love hearing your perspective on that.
KIM: Tell me about your orgasmic evolution as well. You said before you were having clitoral orgasms, sometimes only after using a vibrator. And then you had your first cervical orgasm. Was it after just giving birth? Tell me again the story about how that evolved.
MARA: It was on my birthday. Elvis was six weeks old. Now he’s almost two. We didn’t wait until six weeks. I think we waited days after giving birth. Not to say that’s for everybody. I don’t want to claim to be a doctor here, but we were fine. We were good to go. I was good to go.
Yeah, he was six weeks old, and it was my birthday. I think we were still kind of working through a lot of big bumps and I was still really insecure. I had a hard time letting go, releasing. We’d started and stopped and started and stopped. And then all of a sudden, I just started shaking. I don’t think you’d seen that before.
PHIL: No. No. No, I’d never seen that.
MARA: So we stopped, and he asked, “Are you okay?” And by that point, I was sobbing and just sobbing and sobbing. I said, “I think I just had a cervical orgasm; hey, this is what she said the symptoms were.” For the first while I would sob and sob, sometimes for 30 minutes afterward. He would just hold me, and I would ugly cry. I guess I had a lot of things to release.
Now, every once in a while I’ll have some emotion that comes up that wants to come through and it’s just tears welling up, but it’s different. It’s like a full-body deep breath. It’s like my cells get a recharge all at once and just [sigh].
And you have to be open to have that happen, but being open and then having that orgasm, you’re even more open than you ever thought possible, and then it just keeps happening. “There’s another one; there’s another one.” We don’t count. He said ten. No, it’s triple that sometimes.
I love the way that you say gourmet because it feels like you’re just feeding all of your cells, all of your organs, your skin, your hair. I just feel so fed and nourished and loved and taken care of and settled.
I’ve really embraced being a mother more than I ever did before. There’s a lot of pressure for moms to be moms and also do a “thing” in the world, like have a career. Which is fine, which is great, but the pressure is there. “Okay, you’re a mom, but what else are you? You can’t just be a mom.”
I always kind of had that in the back of my mind, like once the kids get a certain age, I need to ramp up my career again. Since having these last two, I’ve really settled into it and am enjoying it so incredibly much. Sort of by accident, I have created this side business, just out of passion and love and excitement in life; it’s kind of being birthed out of me naturally, but it’s not like I feel like I have to have a job.
I love that. I love that piece of really just being able to love being a mom and how much I see that affects the kids and how much love and support they feel with that shift that’s happened within me.
PHIL: Yeah. Just from the guy’s perspective, I think that took incredible bravery on your part the first time you felt that and started crying and actually opened up. Truly, I could tell.
MARA: My first orgasm?
MARA: Yes. It was scary. And I told you that. “I’m scared. I’m so scared to open up to you, because I don’t want to be hurt.” Your response was, “I’m here for you. I will not let that happen to you.”
PHIL: Yeah. And I think we’ve really come to understand the masculine and feminine energy. There was another thing that you taught in your course—the need to, as a man, embrace and be a container and allow the space for the girl to be able to do this. That was something I certainly had to work on, and seeing it for the first time was like, “Oh my God, are you okay?”
And it continued for months. We’d have different experiences like this, and it got more and more to where Mara was able to open up faster and cry—even the different sexual positions would trigger different things.
Whenever we’d hit that, Mara got to where she could communicate it and we could talk it through. It takes a lot of bravery on the woman’s side and then also, as a man, being able to hold that is important.
MARA: It sounds all depressing and stuff. But after that first orgasm—it was my birthday—I sobbed for a little bit and then I started laughing. And I got up and said, “That was pretty great! I am starving!” So we went and had this huge breakfast at our favorite coffee shop and I ordered two entrees. I ate, and I was so filled with energy. So it’s not all, “Okay, we’re just processing through bad …” I cried, I shook, I was excited; it was like this huge roller coaster.
Even though you’re releasing emotion, it still fuels you and makes you feel really, really good. It’s like a cleansing.
KIM: So beautiful. Is there anything else that you’d like to share to round out this whole picture for people?
PHIL: I’ll just echo what Mara said. I think we both came into this relationship with a fair amount of baggage, and I think we were humbled by our past relationships and some of the things we had faced, so we were able to be open enough to say, “You know what? Why don’t we take a shot at this course and just see if what you’re saying is true?”
You really opened up some incredible doors for us and it led to so many other things. How you express yourself in sex and your openness really does flow out into life. I’ve seen it with my job, some of the opportunities that have come in for us. We’ve talked about that. “Wow, maybe this is because we had such good sex last night.” All of a sudden, things come at us. “Wow, I didn’t even see that coming.”
KIM: Is there any example you’d be willing to share on that topic? You don’t have to reveal anything too personal, but in a general way.
MARA: The one that just happened this week.
PHIL: Oh yeah. I’d been working on a start-up idea and just hadn’t quite been able to bring it all together. And we went on vacation with the two little ones and had some really good sex. And then we came back and the opportunity that I’d been trying to get for two years was sitting there in my email. [Laughs] I told Mara about it and the first thing that we said was, “Well, it must have been that crazy sex that we had!” [Laughs]
MARA: Which was a quickie. [Laughs]
PHIL: Yeah! It just leaves you wondering how the universe creates this. I don’t know how else to explain it.
KIM: Well, the universe and you. Right? You, your sexual energy, your genitals, the literal life-force energy of the universe that we tap into every time we have gourmet sex. Every time we have a profound sexual encounter. When we’re really close and connected, even the shorter encounters can be very high quality because we’re not dipping down into that level of separation or iciness. We’re always hovering at that simmer and so it’s easy to just leap into these quantum places.
Then the universe brings back to us. We magnetize these things because we’re inhabiting. We literally put ourselves in that life-force flow.
MARA: It was pretty cool. [Laughs] “Oh, you’re not going to believe this.”
KIM: Amazing. Anything else that you’d like to share?
PHIL: Anything come to mind for you?
MARA: For me, personally? I have all sorts of things that I’ve been able to create through this. Things that really inspire me and haven’t come to full fruition yet, but they’re there and they’re gathering strength and momentum.
PHIL: Yeah. It’s like you can feel this different energy or vibration or whatever you want to call it. Before, things would come up and you’d feel like, “Okay, life just knocked me down and it’s going to take a long time to recover from this.” And now it’s just this different feeling. There are opportunities everywhere, and it’s just whatever you want to latch onto.
MARA: We don’t get knocked down anymore. Every day we build. Every day we move forward. And sometimes we pause and kind of settle for a minute, but it’s almost like you have to accept the greatness and magnitude of what’s coming to us. “Okay, I deserve this. I created this. I called this in. I deserve this. I want more.” And we take another step forward. We’re creating that life that we want and it’s easy. It’s easy, Kim. “Okay, here it is; here’s another thing. Okay, cool.” And we’re happy all the time. [Laughs] We wake up after having two hours of sleep and it’s like, “How do you feel?” “Great! We’re good!” Yeah.
PHIL: Yeah. We feel deserving and like these things can come to us and we can call them in, and before we had to struggle or fight for every single thing that we got, and it’s just a totally different feel now.
MARA: As parents, we’re not perfect. We have a lot on our plates, you know? And to be able to accomplish all of this with all our responsibilities could seem to somebody like, “Well, they’re just special. They’re just unicorns. Most people can’t do stuff like that.”
We are most people. We’re nothing special. We’ve done this a day at a time, a choice at a time, a moment at a time, and I just want people to know how possible it is, if you want it. You just have to decide that you want to be happy and that you want a good relationship and that you want your home to be peaceful and choose it over and over again. It’s incredibly possible. It’s so possible. And it happens really quickly. Really, really quickly, once you get yourself in line with that.
PHIL: Yeah. It happens quickly, but it’s not suddenly. It’s these steps that you take every day, having those glass-clearing dates that—
MARA: It’s not like we had this massive sex weekend and that changed our entire lives. It’s all these little steps that we fit into our very busy, busy lives.
If we can do it… [laughs].
PHIL: Yeah. We’re able to return now to this north pole. If things don’t go the way we want, okay, let’s get back to what we learned and what we now understand. That’s made all the difference.
KIM: And you say all of this as you’re passing back and forth this little baby that’s how old?
MARA: He’s six weeks old.
KIM: Great. As you’re tandem breastfeeding, passing the baby back and forth while doing this interview.
MARA: That’s what I’m saying! We’re frickin’ busy, and we’re living a magical, magical life with an incredible relationship. I mean, it’s so possible and I didn’t think it was. I always thought it was this fairy tale. But we’re truly happy and it’s very easy to access.
KIM: So beautiful. Thank you both for sharing and letting us into your world. It’s so inspiring and beautiful to hear, and I love what you landed on there and just letting people know it’s a choice and anyone can get there. That’s the whole Anami guarantee, right? Everyone can.
PHIL: Yeah, absolutely. And our thanks to you, Kim, for showing us the right direction.
KIM: My pleasure.
How epic are Mara and Phil?
Cervical orgasms up the yin yang, not missing a beat after her births, and having ecstatic, life-changing sex that is the creative source for everything from their parenting to their businesses.
That’s how it ought to be.
And it can be for everyone.
The Coming Together Salon starts TODAY!
This 10-week online salon contains all the tools you need to overhaul your entire relationship – from communication skills to have the tough conversations, to join and lingam massage, to block clearing practices to my full Orgasmapedia with all the skills you need to reach energy orgasms, full-body orgasms, cervical orgasms, plus my Tantra primer for all of you wanting to use sex as medicine and a creative power source.
IT’s all here.
This course runs LIVE once a year and you have me with you every step of the way in our weekly Q+A sessions where I’m there to coach and troubleshoot with you.
Registration closes Friday night at midnight.
Go to kimanami.com. Look for Sexual Savant Salons and click on Coming Together.