Tell Me Your Fantasies
Fantasy sharing and play is a vital part of an intimate relationship.
Our fantasies are roadmaps to our undeveloped potential. They represent the parts in us that need to be expressed and exorcised.
Repressing them is the worst thing we can do.
Ideally, we are in a relationship that has openness and acceptance as a value. (And if it doesn’t, I advise renegotiating the terms of your relationship to include these things. Or negotiating yourself out of the relationship).
When non-judgment is held as the holy grail, you can move mountains. Specifically, mountains of your subconscious, unresolved shit.
Carl Jung spoke of “the shadow.” He referred to it as parts of ourselves that we try to deny and hide away. We view them as socially unacceptable, yet these areas contain gifts yet to be harnessed.
“In spite of its function as a reservoir for human darkness—or perhaps because of this—the shadow is the seat of creativity.”
~ Carl Jung
I have written on on how our blocks can be transformed into our greatest creations. The same applies to our fantasies, and the intense charge they carry.
My own experience in sharing and acting out my sexual fantasies has been profoundly cathartic and life-changing. By externalizing the scenarios I had kept inside me for years, I could feel myself change afterwards. I felt freer to be who I was in my entirety. By facing the parts of me I had kept hidden, I felt more whole. My self-confidence grew tenfold.
I had one particular relationship that was devoted to acting out each other’s fantasies. Each week, we would take turns constructing events and scenarios and people to orchestrate our deepest desires.
It was one of the most powerful relationships I have had—mostly because of our commitment to be brave and radically honest.
Fantasies are often symbolic.
For example, a woman imagining having sex with many men may be craving more masculine presence in her man. She wants to be overwhelmed by it. Her man can step up dominate her more. If the couple feels very secure in their relationship with each other, they could experiment with adding another person (or people) into their dynamic.
The important thing when opening up a discussion about fantasies is to commit to being loving and accepting of what both you and your partner bring forward. And to view them as expressions of deeper personality traits that crave expression. If you do that, you can create a degree of objectivity in looking at them that removes feelings of inadequacy or jealousy.
Some of the greatest gifts I have received from the people in my life, lovers or otherwise, are when I feel truly seen and accepted. And cherished. Exposing all of our nooks and crannies and having them be loved heals us on a profound level. And in turn, we heal others by doing the same.
Everyone has sexual fantasies. Let them be your bedfellows.
There are three levels for you to explore:
1) Simply sharing your fantasies with each other. Even talking about what turns you on (and the things that secretly turn you on) is very powerful.
2) Talk about or to the degree that you can, act out your fantasies verbally when you are sexually engaged. You can take on different characters or walk each other through scenes that arouse you. You can narrate with guttural whispers.
3) You dive in. You can use your fantasies as fodder for your sex dates. Orchestrate elaborate scenarios for each other. You can take turns “fulfilling” each other’s desires and setting up scenes. This is where you can have a lot of fun with the element of surprise. Relish in being the choreographer for your partner and designing events that will bring them the utmost pleasure.
Trust me, the love will come back to you.