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10 29

The Hardest Thing About Love

It’s ironic to me that in our fairly “me-oriented” culture, most people have a hard time receiving love.

Why is that?

To receive love, really let it penetrate and soak through every fibre of your being, you need to feel worthy of it.

Only through loving yourself can you really love another person.

Only through loving yourself will you ever enjoy truly being in your own skin.

Otherwise, it’s a constant struggle to be there.

One that is often obscured by a lifetime of addiction: alcohol, drugs, television, food—anything that numbs us to the discomfort of who we are.

You can’t enjoy someone touching your heart or your genitals if you don’t enjoy being in them yourself.

You’ll constantly be pulling away or deflecting—abandoning yourself and the relationship.

I’m in the middle of the SMM salon right now. On the Q+A call this week, a man mentioned that before the salon, he had no idea how much surrounding inner “work” went into creating a fertile space for love and intimacy.

How much leads up to what actually happens—or doesn’t happen—in bed.

So how do we love and occupy ourselves more?

1) Forgive yourself of past wrong-doings.

We can carry guilt around like a penance, one that prevents us from fully receiving love and pleasure.

Because deep down, we feel we don’t deserve it. We have erred in the past and we punish ourselves.

The way around this is to either make amends directly to those whom you feel you have harmed, or make amends to the world at large.

Karmically, if you are are giving back, and being of service, and uplifting others, it gets deposited into the same bank account and balances your ledger.

As you give back to life, your own love and belief in yourself grows, because you are constantly reaffirming that you are a kind, loving and generous person.

You have constant proof of this.

2) Honour who you are, moment-to-moment.

How you feel, what you want, what you need to feel good. Are you making choices that express your truth and not what someone else wants you to be or do?

Every time you act from the core essence of who you are in how you speak, move, eat, pray, interact with the world, you are validating your true self.

Or invalidating.

Obviously, every validation reinforces your self-love.

One of the reasons I enjoy spending so much time off-the-grid—and have for the past two decades—is that it removes me out of the web of cultural conditioning.

Outside of that web, It’s much easier to get in touch with your own deeper impulses and truths, rather than being susceptible to mass media and cultural programming.

It’s not called TV “programming” for nothing.

It’s telling you how to think, act and believe.

I haven’t had a TV my whole adult life—well, I’ve had them to be able to watch movies, but we’ve never had cable.

Just like with the organic food I’m committed to eating, I want to know exactly what’s being fed to me.

And be in control of it.

3) #goodvibesonly

Having positive daily practices like meditation, exercise and cataclysmic sex—three of my favorites—also allow your true self to rise to the surface.

Meditation gets you still, calms you and allows you to confront the things you may be avoiding.

Exercise is what the human body was designed to do—every single day. It gets you high and allows you to function at your physiological and psychological best.

Gourmet sex allows your inner self to “come out”. It recalibrate you.

And taps you into your life-fore, sexual, creative energy—the essence of who you are.


You likely have your own practices that make you feel your best. Are you doing them every day?

Self-love is a many splendored thing.

In the same way I encourage people to look at their intimate relationship like a plant—one that needs constant water, sunlight, fertilizer in order to grow to its full potential—your relationship with yourself is the same.

Receiving love is usually the side of the love equation that most of us need the most practice with.


P.S. I took my vagina to the pumpkin patch this week. Watch out for “Special Halloween edition” lifting photo to come.

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3 thoughts on “The Hardest Thing About Love

  1. I agree with your holistic approach to our daily lives. A professor once taught me, “Garbage in, Garbage out” and those words ring true. The old record of guilt and a former emotionally toxic relationship keeps playing and most certainly keeps me in my head in the bedroom and doesn’t allow me to feel truley loved. Fortunately, I stumbled upon your website while searching for ways to heal my current intimate relationship with my husband. We lied in bed and listened to your SMM video. It spoke to both of us quite deeply and have not been able to stop talking about it for the past few days. After only one video trio we are closer than ever. Now, we are both on an honest path of self exploration and learning but we come together to heal and create a safe space through beautiful sex. Thanks Kim.

    1. “Garbage in, Garbage out”. That’s awesome. I love it.

      So happy to hear of your experience with your husband. Thank you for sharing!