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11 22

The Very Best Sex

I’m on the Orgasmic Enlightenment Retreat in Mexico.

These weeks are always some of the highlights of my year.

Surreally beautiful setting, incredible people going deep and hunting their demons, daily sex dates, heart-and-hip stretching yoga, raucous dinner parties with stimulating people from all over the world.

And life-changing orgasms.

I see people uncover stuff that has been lingering in the space, that they have both walked and talked around for years, and sometimes decades.

It begins to come to the surface.

This is the gift of undistracted time and space.

It gives you the chance to clear the debris that blocks you from seeing each other and being together fully.

In these situations I get to see some of my fave relationship truths play out over and over again:

1) If you aren’t scared shitless, you aren’t aiming high enough.

Sometimes, after a painful experience, people will go through a phase of choosing “safe” partners.

These are the people who don’t quite meet us.

On all levels, but especially emotionally and sexually.

Or, it could even be taking place with the people who could meet us there, the ones we are even married to, but we keep them at a safe distance. We build walls to prevent them from really seeing us, and thus, really hurting us.

In these situations, the deepest parts of you—your heart and your genitals—aren’t being summoned.

And I’m telling you that in intimate relationships, that both of these parts of you have to be all in.

Or the magic simply won’t happen.

Because sexual passion, mixed with love, is the super fuel that makes all things possible in your life.

If you have one without the other, your relationship is weakened.

And you know when you have them both, because it’s scary. You are brought to a precipice of risk, because nothing shatters you like having sexual and emotional openness combined.

This is the combo that people start wars over, fly across continents for and change lives to be with.

The not-all-in safety can be a long-term thing (in the choice of partner) or a short-term thing in the things you do and don’t say to each other. So:

2) Go there.

Everything shows up in bed, eventually.

Your suppressed desires, the things you want that you are afraid to ask for, your deepest truths.

If you don’t express them, what they show up as is stagnation. Low libido. Reproductive ailments.

They show up in a bed that no one has sex in anymore.

It’s crucial that you keep the channels of communication open in your relationship, and that you are vigilant about saying the things that need to be said.

Once you get in the habit of brushing things aside, your relationship begins to wither.

You intuitively trust each other less because you can sense the dishonesty (we all can, even if we don’t consciously identify it).

You need to develop the habit of the great uncovering.

The getting naked-er and naked-er.

It’s an intense place to be, but this is where the gold is.

By placing yourself right in the middle of uncertainty, you are vulnerable and at the edge.

This is where the best, most cataclysmic and deeply connected sex happens. ??Because:

3) “The anxiety of falling in love could only find repose in bed.”

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time, from my favorite book of all time: “One Hundred Years of Solitude.”

The very best sex is borne out of constantly placing yourself in the fire.

Acknowledging how fiercely you love someone and how undefended that leaves you.

And the remedy for this perpetual rawness is constant sex.

The sex acts as a balm and soul soother.

That creeping anxiety of being so much in love, being perpetually exposed, finds its remedy in you pressing your bodies together all the time.

And this my loves, is how you reach orgasmic enlightenment.


The view from your villa at the retreat.

Bali 2015 is sold out, but we still have space for Mexico 2015. It’s filling up fast though, so if you are interested, sign up here.

xinalani view

Above image: Nicola Ranaldi

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