Kim Anami

When your partner is not sexually open

“How do you incorporate a healthy, sensual, sex life into a relationship with a man who is more inhibited by the typical, hush hush, slightly dirty, western views of sex, when you are a highly sexual, sensual person? 

Is it possible to meet in the middle, or open his mind more to the beauty of the experience?”

Obviously you can also substitute “woman” for man here. This question comes up all the time.

First off, it’s not hard to grow up in our culture and have warped and suppressed ideas about sex. In fact, you’d be the exception if you grew up with a super healthy, open view of sexuality.

For the majority of us, it’s hard won.

Most of you know that I believe sexual intimacy is at the heart of a relationship. It’s the glue. If you don’t have that at the core of your connection, you will have trouble in some way.

It may be health issues, financial or career problems or simply that your relationship chemistry evaporates. And then the relationship dies a slow death.

That energy cannot be stifled without consequence.

What do you do once you figure this out and your partner has not?

You start by talking about it. I imagine you have already, and the conversation may have gone sideways. Aim to keep the focus on you; what you need, what you crave and the kind of relationship you’d like to create.

Refrain from talking about what they aren’t giving you. Take responsibility for what you want and the choices you’ve made so far.

Ask if they’d be willing to try a few new things with you. Like read a book, or watch some videos.

I have several free video series on my site that you can access. My aim is to present many different viewpoints to open people to new ways of thinking about (and acting in) their sex lives. Check them out here and here.

What you are aiming to do, is to help them find a way into sex that they haven’t considered before: you don’t know what you don’t know.

During this process, it’s crucial that you keep coming from the place of what you want and how you feel. As soon as you point fingers at the other person, they will shut down, and any chance you had at engaging them will evaporate.

If this happens, try again once you both cool off. Or warm up!

If your partner is resistant to even these steps, then I suggest you work on yourself. How can you deepen your capacity for love and intimacy? What would you like to learn more about in the sensual realm?

Get busy!

As you shift yourself, you’ll begin to act differently. Your partner will pick up on the change, even energetically as you draw your focus back into yourself. That itself may help to change the dynamic and loosen their resistance.

If it doesn’t, the more work you do on yourself, the more clarity you’ll gain about what to do next.

Grow or die.

Things can only remain in stasis for a short while before they implode.

The reality is, that you chose this person. What part of you is afraid of going deeper???

~K xx

Image: Chris Craymer