EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
Can a Relationship Recover after Infidelity?
Can it get better?
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The violation of trust in a relationship is one of the hardest things to recover from.
In my view of relationships, in the conscious, gourmet sex perspective, radical honesty is EVERYTHING.
We share, we’re vulnerable and we open up our deepest selves to our partners.
We don’t play games—unless they are intentional and have safe words—and we don’t hide.
There is no point.
What is there to be gained?
I did a podcast a few weeks ago called “The Aphrodisiac of Truth”, which is based on the concept I call: “the lie of a lie”
This means that when people lie, they THINK they might be getting away with it, but really, on some level, everyone knows everything.
And all they are doing is creating congestion and interference in the space.
The fabric of the lie is written on the invisible, but tangible, canvas of the relationship.
Always.
Even small lies.
People don’t know sometimes why they don’t trust someone or feel uneasy, but their body and higher self knows why.
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In the average junk-food sex relationship, sins of omission, dishonesty, hiding and avoiding the truth, hiding, game-playing and manipulation are the name of the game.
I’ve seen relationships where the existence of infidelity was tacitly accepted.
Meaning, don’t ask, don’t tell, and if you don’t get caught, it doesn’t count.
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In the cultivation of an Anami-Style conscious monogamy style of relationship, we bring EVERYTHING to the table.
And our beds.
We show up as authentically and honestly as we can.
We go deep and we begin to exist in the sacred territory of powerful, alchemical connection.
Where our beds become the power source for our entire lives.
We are reborn again and again through our orgasms and the deep connection we have with ourselves and our partner.
We experience the life-changing results of cataclysmic, self-actualizing sex.
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When two people have this, infidelity DOES NOT happen.
Let me make this extremely clear:
It CANNOT happen in this space.
There isn’t any room for it.
The ONLY place infidelity can happen is within a relationship where the couple are out of sync.
Their relationship has already devolved—or maybe it was always like that—to the place where they tell white lies and outright lies and hide parts of themselves, or their whole selves.
And then of course!
They need a place to be their actual selves. because they can’t be in their relationships.
So they stray.
They look outside of their relationship for intimate connection.
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So when people say—and maybe YOU are one of those people—that they were “blindsided” by their partner’s infidelity—this is utter bullshit.
If you felt “blindsided”, it’s only because you have accepted and perpetuated a subpar relationship and a life of white or outright lies for so long, that you got used to this way of being.
Of denying, of looking the other way, of withholding your truth and vulnerability—that this has now become your default way of existing with yourself and your partner.
Your relationship is likely built on a foundation of:
“Don’t be honest — they can’t handle it. Or you can’t.”
You might hurt the other person’s feelings if you tell the truth.
“Don’t ask, don’t tell.”
“If I don’t get caught, it doesn’t count.”
“They probably know on some level anyway and are okay with it.” — And this is actually true.
So.
Cop to this.
Both of you accepted a relationship that was “less than” and hollow, to some degree.
And look. Most people don’t know what they don’t know.
Most people have NO idea WHY or HOW to even create a conscious, holy-fuck style relationship.
They fumble around and struggle and model what they see around them, be it from their parents or families or the TV and movies.
These tend to be “un” conscious relationships that are the repetition of absorbed beliefs, trauma and programming.
And this is why many people think that MONOGAMY doesn’t work.
And they are right. This idea of a relationship, this kind of “monogamy” doesn’t work.
But I wouldn’t call that actual monogamy.
I’d just call it a shitty relationship.
I talk about the idea of conscious monogamy.
This is USING your intimate relationship as a vehicle for growth and transformation.
It serves to bring out the highest potential in both of you.
IN a conscious monogamy relationship, things can’t really devolve to the place where infidelity could even happen, because you don’t let them.
You have the tools to ongoing to clear space, resolve issues, to soothe emotional wounds and to communicate in a deep and profound way.
And you know how to use your orgasms as tools of healing and transformation!
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So another way of saying this, is that no one gets “cheated on.”
In fact, I don’t like and don’t use that term “cheater” or “they were cheated on.”
Because that belies the fact that both people contributed to the demise of the relationship to a place where there was so much distance between them, so much unsaid, that the final physical act of engaging with someone else was part of a long list of slights and separations that were already going on.
“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of withering, of tarnishing.”
~ Anais Nin
In a conscious monogamy relationship, the couple is so connected and close, that they can feel very quickly when something is amiss between them.
It’s like the story of The Princess and the Pea.
Because they have an ongoing commitment to removing debris out of their space and their bed.
But in a typical couple and a more disconnected relationship, they adapt to sleeping on a bed of rocks.
The lumps. the pain, waking up with a stiff neck and their back thrown out.
This starts to feel “normal”.
This is another layer of THE NORMALIZATION OF DYSFUNCTION I often talk about.
We MAL-adapt.
And we don’t know what we don’t know about how good it can be to have the total open and free flow of connection bliss.
To be truly seen, adored and cherished.
But once you know, you know.
And you can’t go back.
So… how do you go forward? Is it possible to move past infidelity and create an even better relationship?
Years ago, a couple came to see me and the man had stepped out on his wife.
He had certain sexual desires that he was afraid of sharing with her, and so he didn’t.
He didn’t want to risk her leaving him, which was something that had happened in the past.
So they stayed locked up inside of him, until they eventually spilled out into online chats and emails and then meetups.
She found out and confronted him.
At first, she was hurt and upset.
And then the more they spoke about it, she saw the underlying issue of him not coming to her and communicating.
So they spent a lot of time talking about this.
They came to me and talked about it some more.
We explored all of the places in their relationship where they hid from each other and where they had walled off parts of themselves.
Going forward, they committed to radical honesty and ongoing communication in all parts of their lives.
They came out of this phase in their relationship feeling closer and more connected than ever.
They were open and shared and their intimacy grew tenfold.
They were in a MUCH better place than they were at any time in their marriage, and now they had ongoing tools to use to maintain that space and to keep evolving it.
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So in the current cultural paradigm, what typically happens is that one person “steps out”.
If they get caught, which often they seem to want to, they are labelled a “cheater”.
Everyone blames them, including most therapists. for being the dishonest one, the deceptive one.
But let’s look more closely at this.
What if the other person has been withholding sex, or withholding their heart and emotional openness for a long time.
What if they have long-standing blockages and traumas they they have not dealt with, that impact the relationship — because they do. — then the relationship is at an impasse.
This person might have been presented with the option to change, to seek therapy, to heal.
aNd they refuse.
We can effectively say that this person has withdrawn their commitment to the relationship.
Which is why I say that one of the fundamental commitments in a CONSCIOUS HOLY FUCK relationship is the commitment to growth.
We both commit to and prioritize evolution and transformation.
If we aren’t committed to growing then we are committed to stagnation.
There is no middle ground here.
Grow or die.
So the thing that gets missed in the common finger pointing at the “cheater” scenario, is the couple as a whole and both people’s choices to create the relationship they have.
How has the other person played along with the tacit game of “don’t ask, don’t tell”. How was this actually advantageous for them? Did not being truly honest or vulnerable seemingly keep them safe?
Did allowing for this kind of distance and existing behind walls protect them from being truly open-hearted and at risk of being hurt?
In the clean slate, honest and open terrain of the conscious, holy fuck relationship, there is no room for this.
Every lie, not showing up, holding back, paints itself on the terrain of their relationship.
These kinds of transcendent partnerships are not for the faint of heart.
Which is why most people avoid them and then whine that their shitty version of pseudo-monogamy doesn’t work, or that “Humans weren’t meant to be monogamous” or whatever other rationalizations they can come up with.
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Infidelity is a symptom, just like I view sexual ailments such as reproductive growths or lack of orgasm or premature ejaculation as symptoms.
The indicate blockages that need to be worked through, or an opportunity to heal that people most often turn away from.
TURN TOWARD.
“The only way out is through.”
~ Robert Frost
My view of relationships is that they are unique and incredible opportunities for us to face our demons and to grow.
Together.
Our intimate partner is there to provoke and trigger some of our deepest wounds, and to bring them to the surface so they can be healed.
We are either in a relationship where we perpetually TURN AWAY from these opportunities.
Or, where we commit to TURN TOWARD them.
In my salons, much of the work we do is clearing space.
We do deep dive excavation to clear away debris and junk and ignored issues that have been sitting dormant or rotting for years and even decades.
We roll up our sleeves and get in there, and clean house.
And sometimes we build a new house.
The old one is often built on the illusions and misinformation people have absorbed about relationships.
The new one is built on radical honesty, courage, open-heartedness, multiple, life-changing orgasms and awakening and self-actualizing.
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So the answer is yes, it’s totally possible to get past it.
And to build an even better relationship than you had before.
Because the truth is, if the weeds of infidelity were there, the growing conditions were also there for them to happen.
The garden of the relationship has been neglected.
If you tend your garden and nurture it, you create fertile ground for all kinds of abundant growth.
And, even the weeds can be medicinal if we know how to use them.
