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What Makes a Great Lover?

First, I’ll tell you what you don’t need:  

Lots of partners. Just having had many people in bed with you doesn’t mean you learned much. The sexual relationships in which I learned the most were with people who were committed to growing with me. There was trust and emotional openness involved. That’s where we learn. That’s where we are healed.

Knowing a ton of tricks. Mechanical technique is but a fraction of what it takes to be a great lover. I’d say it’s as little as 10%. There are certain sex acts where it can be helpful to have some direction (like deep throating, anal sex), but you can also just feel your way through these.

What is the other 90% then?

Being in tune with yourself. You need to be able to identify what you want and need. Are your actions coming from within? The very best sex is borne out of a deep expression of your truth, which meets a deep expression of your partner’s truth. If you are both shrouded in “untruth” and a desire to look a certain way, the experience will feel hollow.

Reading someone else/reading the energy flow. I’ve never had an urge to see uber-choreographed music performances. People who have super elaborate, precisely executed shows bore me.

Years ago I went to hear Cat Power, aka Chan Marshall, in concert. I’d heard that she regularly had breakdowns on stage, so I was intrigued.

She was magnificent. It was the rawest of the raw, one of the most truthful performances I’d ever seen.

In the middle of a song, she stopped and began singing another one, because she just wasn’t feeling it. She went wherever the energy went. It was “live” in the truest sense of the word.

Performing the exact same sequence of moves every night, with little to no variation is a canned show.

It also makes for canned lovemaking.

Self-confidence. Own what you got. If any part of you is hiding or deflecting, you’ll dampen the experience. Any part of you that you have disowned—be it a body part, or feeling like a failure in some area of your life—will show up in bed and create an energy leak. Self-confidence is simply claiming what you have and DECIDING to love it.

Surrender. Over and over again, I talk about how the key ingredient for gourmet sex is surrender. The ability to let go. This is what takes lovemaking from good or even great, to life-changing. And yes, your orgasms ought to be changing your life.

There is emotional surrender and physical surrender. You need them both.

The qualities that make you an amazing lover are those that make you a self-actualized person: you know who you are, you love who you are and you express who you are.

The bulk of those things are done in the realm of personal development.

Because when you get naked in bed, if there are many areas in yourself that you don’t wish to go, that you haven’t confronted, your sexual repertoire will be extremely limited.

You’ll be wearing clothes and wanting to have sex with the lights off.

So to speak.

Contrary to attention-getting supermarket checkout headlines, being an amazing lover is not about having an arsenal of hand moves.

Do the inner work. Illuminate.

It’s the only game in town.



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