Toss Your Lubes
One of my big “rules” for sex is that I don’t use, and suggest that other women don’t use, vaginal lubricant.
This tends to be a controversial issue for one main reason:
People are trained to ignore their bodies’ messages.
This is a something that is reinforced culturally, globally, and especially in Western medicine.
As a holistic sex coach, I look at the body, and our sexual expression, as a metaphor for how we live.
If you are juicy and flowing in bed, you are juicy and flowing in life.
If you are dry in bed, I would say that there are areas in your life where your “flow” has also dried up. You might feel exhausted, or like you are pushing a boulder uphill to get things done.
Lubrication is an expression of openness and readiness.
It’s message is: Enter me. I’m ready.
If a woman is not ready to be entered, she won’t be wet.
It’s that simple.
Most of us, however, have been trained to override our bodies’ messages.
Instead of listening and interpreting for information and guidance, we just steam ahead.
I’m the only sex coach I know who doesn’t consider lube a girl’s best friend.
On the contrary, I consider it her adversary.
Because every time you override your body’s messages, you move further and further away from your own truth.
The further away you move from your body’s wisdom, the less in tune you are with your body, your sexuality and your orgasm.
Over time, your body will stop communicating with you, or the voice will be so dim you just won’t hear it.
It will be replaced with numbness and dissociation.
And then you’ll need more lube.
The “enter me readiness” that I spoke of may be physical and it may be emotional.
If a woman is with a man whose foreplay technique consists of, well, nothing, then she’s not likely to be wet.
Or if there are certain sensual acts she likes that aren’t happening, she may not be wet.
She may just need more time.
Or, she may be emotionally blocked.
Emotional blocks can be longstanding. Like past sexual traumas.
Or they can be recent, like an argument that wasn’t fully resolved earlier in the day.
All of these things—any kind of internal resistance—will show up as a lack of flow and juiciness.
The internal, emotional dams must be released first for the physical waters to flow.
It’s that simple.
But it’s not as easy as slathering on the lube.
The absolute best sex is borne NOT out of your mechanical knowledge, but from your ability to tune into yourself, your emotions, your body, your needs. And express them.
And then to read your partner’s cues as well.
That is the dance.
You cultivating a sensitivity to your deep inner yearnings—truly the voice of your vagina—will take you there.
“But Kim! I’ve hit menopause! I need lube!”
I’ll see your “I’m too old and hormonally deficient to lubricate naturally” and I’ll raise you many, many post-menopausal and now gushing women.
I have had scores of women in this category regain their lubrication—and by regain, I mean, slick, slick thighs—after learning to listen to and strengthen their vaginas.
The proof is in the pudding.
When you emotionally, spiritually and physically reconnect to your vagina, it’s wetter than wet.
Look, I’m wet all the time.
Because I’m open to my lover and I’m open to life.
I’m open to being penetrated by them both at all times.
This, from a woman on last year’s VKF salon:
“I remember something you said about being wet practically all the time. When I first heard that I was like ‘What in the world is she talking about and how is that even possible?’ Well, I understand now!”
If there is a physical reason for a lack of lubrication, it’s a weak vagina.
The lack of circulation in the atrophied muscle decreases blood flow and hey, you guessed, it prevents proper lubrication.
Hey! I’ve got a remedy for you!
You can learn all of these things–the emotional and spiritual reconnection, how to listen to your deeper self more clearly, and how to stop your man from ejaculating, or make him ejaculate with the subtle (but powerful) movements of your vagina, in the Vaginal Kung Fu Salon.
Your vagina is your power source. It’s wise, sentient and articulate. And can compete for world lifting records, if you want it to.
The salon registration opens next week. Stay tuned!
In the meantime, if you haven’t already watched the free preview video series, check it out here.
Here’s me, lifting gluten-free, organic donuts in LA. These are my faves. Holy shit are they good. From Cafe Gratitude. The Coconut Maple Bacon ones are insane.
Check out my vagina, around the world, with #thingsiliftwithmyvagina on Instagram.
I’m in Bali now, so you have lots of tropical fruit to look forward to in the near future.
Top image: Greg Coleman