The Immunity of Love
I speak often about the idea of the well-f**ked woman, on how this is a visible, palpable radiance and joie de vivre that can be seen and felt in a woman who is getting plenty of gourmet sex and lovin’.
The flip side to this is the underf**ked woman, who is suffering from the effects of not having enough sex. Or enough gourmet sex.
First off, I want to address the idea of gourmet sex. Because while a couple (or individual) can be having frequent sex, if it’s not gourmet, it’s not having the same benefits.
Gourmet sex is the kind of sex that draws on all of you. Heart, spirit, genitals—you are open. You allow yourself to be vulnerable and to be seen.
That’s the kind of sex that nourishes you.
Now vulnerability is a tricky thing.
It takes constant vigilance to maintain openness in a world that is always throwing up challenges for you.
Triggers come up all the time in relationships.
They are meant to.
You are meant to be needled and poked and prodded so that your dark parts can come to the surface and be healed.
Deep love heals everything.
Getting to and staying in deep love means doing the work.
And as I like to say: There is no substitute for doing the work.
This is what people do in my salons: the emotional, psychological, spiritual and physical work that helps them to pull down their walls and live in a more open state.
The work involved in staying open, staying vulnerable, in relationship is constant.
I use the analogy of having a clear pane of glass between two people.
When you are communicating openly, and regularly, about the little things and the deeper things between you, the glass stays clear.
When you hold back and there becomes a build up of things that haven’t been said, they fill up the space and they create splotches of mud on the glass.
So glass clearing becomes your daily practice.
It may be old mud or recent mud.
All of it needs to be cleaned away in order to maintain that poignant level of vulnerability that makes for amazing and life-changing sex.
The irony is that shared vulnerability is what makes you the strongest.
It gives you an aura of beauty and vitality that is unmistakable, wildly attractive and magnetic.
It also protects you.
There was a study that involved administering painful electric shocks to women who were in varying states of relationship “wellness.”
There were two categories:
1) Couples who had a lot of distance (walls, defensiveness) between them.
2) Couples who were very close.
The woman in each couple was first given an electric shock on her own.
Pain responses were measured in her body.
Then, the same shock was delivered while the woman was holding the hand of her romantic partner.
With the women in fulfilling relationships, their pain levels were significantly reduced.
In the couples who were having troubles, there was no shift in the pain or anxiety levels.
Deep love wraps a protective cloak around you.
That vulnerability and power is intensified through deep sex. You are emotionally open and that openness and vulnerability transfers into your sexual life.
It is the deepest level of vulnerability you will ever feel, and it also from where you’ll receive your greatest power.
The work that is far more important than learning where to place your fingers or other appendages in sex (thought this work doesn’t hurt either) is the constant unveiling and courage to be open.
So keep going.
Vulnerability is your secret weapon.