Why I’ve Never Dated – Transcript
I’ve never dated anyone.
Ok, well technically I’ve been on three dates in my entire life.
With three different guys.
Over the years and decades, when I’d hear people talk about “dating” I never really understood it.
It seemed like for them “dating” was this multi-month “audition” period of spending time with someone where you may or may not be having sex with them and you may or may not be in an exclusive relationship with them.
Huh.
Confusing.
My experiences in the early stages of romance and relationships have always been intense, wild and unmistakable.
Meaning, I knew from the very beginning, pretty much from the moment I looked into their eyes, who they were and what they would be in my life.
And they knew too.
I’ve seen something reposted a few times lately, an idea that people seem to be in awe of, that’s been the story of my life.
“What’s crazy is that real lovers don’t even do talking stages. All it takes is one good date and suddenly y’all are together every day after that.”
Yeah.
This is how it’s always been for me.
I EXPECT big love, big feeling, a whole-hearted, whole-vagina, whole soul response to someone.
Nothing less.
Why would I waste my time on anything BUT that?
**
Three “Dates”
I’ve become convinced that people who “date” have never felt that with anyone.
Because if they had, they’d use that as the marker to know whether to even bother.
But if they think that a platonic reaction is sufficient, then I guess they date someone?
Your body, your heart and your genitals are all antennas.
They exist to give you pleasure and to relay messages to you.
The three guys I went on “dates” with, I thought, were “cute”.
But I knew there was nothing deeper there.
One of them, I think, I was just curious to see what would happen.
The other one hit on me in a shoe store right after what was one of the most devastating—but growth-filled, cuz that’s how I roll and what I do with that sh*t—breakups of my life.
I said yes to going out with him because I was… lost and thought maybe I could distract myself for one night, okay, what the hell.
I ended up breaking down and just started bawling in the middle of the “date”.
We were at a pub or a restaurant or something—I can’t remember—and he’s comforting me about my breakup.
And the other one.. oh man, I remembered it earlier. But now I forget.
It was that memorable.
Okay so 2 or 3 human “dates” in my whole life. I guess. When I was bored.
Or lost. Or killing time.
So this is what humans do.
That’s fine. Let them have it.
I prefer to be with superhumans.
**
The other thing this makes me think of is that people’s intuition is f**ked.
If they meet someone and they don’t know, have no f**king idea if this person could be a good match for them, what is that?
In the words of the illustrious Jen Okazaki:
“How you not know dat???”
If You Know, You Know
I’ve heard people say that they need to go on multiple dates with people to know if they’re compatible.
I know that in the first half second.
My subconscious knows it earlier than that.
I often wonder if these people go on multiple dates to get comfortable with someone, to rationalize settling with them.
You remember: I see the product of such unions 10, 15, 20 years down the road.
No sex for years.
Imploding.
Reproductive issues, because the last thing they’re doing is USING they’re reproductive organs.
Never really that into each other.
Why the f**k would you get married then?
People get married for all kinds of reasons.
Passion and attraction often ARE NOT two of those reasons.
People talk themselves into marriage and relationships.
That’s what “dating” does.
***
So if I Don’t “Date” What Do I Do?
I meet someone. Somewhere.
I’ll also state for the record that I’ve never been on a dating site in my life.
I’ve never been drawn to use them.
I meet people all the time.
In grocery stores, parking lots, running trails.
Occasionally I meet people at special events or parties.
But it’s mostly in day-to-day life, in random ways.
Like the universe is arranging its atoms and the ones that have some kind of magnetic pull that draws them together, through time and space, they find each other.
And they recognize each other.
Time stands still. You look into their eyes and you… know them.
They’re exotic and strange but also… yours.
The thing you were looking for all along but couldn’t articulate or describe until… it stood in front of you.
Your mouth goes dry. Your heart beats faster. Your skin gets electrified.
A Deep Inner Knowing
Call it past lives.
Or just that deep inner knowing, that you are important to each other, right here, right now.
And look, maybe you are important to each other for 3 months.
Or 3 years. Or 30.
But to me, it’s all about following that thread and being the most honest and loyal you can be to it.
And by “most honest” I mean that you don’t play games, be cagey or try to act like you don’t know the huge truth of what you’ve just seen.
And therein lies the challenge.
The intensity of those feelings, like a cosmic event just took place—because it did—and the realization that everything in your world is about to change.
Is a lot for most people to take in.
Meet Cute
So let’s say I meet someone.
We spend time together in some fashion, either—and usually—during that first meeting, or shortly thereafter which I guess one might technically term “a date” of sorts.
Both of us know from that moment on, that it’s on. We’re on.
Very soon there would be an official conversation to confirm “exclusivity”.
But that’s a formality. We both knew and were locked in from those first few seconds.
So yeah. That’s how I DATE!
***
Modern Dating Culture
So in the past couple of months, I’ve done a deep dive into modern “dating culture.”
I really had no idea what was going on out there.
I’ve had to learn an entire glossary of terms, like “texting stage” and “talking stage” and how many minutes are acceptable to read or not read a text message from someone.
And then how many additional minutes are acceptable to reply to them.
There’s an entire set of protocols out there I had no clue existed.
And I think so much of what people are going through right now—the confusion especially—is borne out of using dating apps.
This idea that fate or kismet or your own molecules communicating through the ethers don’t bring you together, but an algorithm does.
And look, I will say, sometimes the algorithm knows me insanely well.
Like reading my mind well.
But you have to ask, if the main goal of a dating site—or rather the main business model—is to have as many people on the app at any given time, then are they really invested in matching you and getting you OFF the app?
But this becomes another way in which people outsource their power and their knowing.
And their intuition.
The most memorable, significant people in my life have been those who knew.
And they made massive overtures. Straight away.
They didn’t waste any time.
They didn’t pretend like this wasn’t massive and life-changing.
Or that they liked me less. Or were too cool to move on this.
No.
They knew there was nothing more important in their lives than this moment.
And they named it. Poetically.
In ways I will never forget and take with me a gratitude and appreciation for their boldness and courage for the rest of this life and every one after it.
And then this becomes the blueprint for your lives together: big risks, deep poetry and radical honesty.
You’ve set the bar and the pace: for big, big, fight-wars-about and write-books-and-a-hundred-sonnets-on-love.
Now.
When you do the opposite of this.
You retract. You pull back. You pretend. You don’t express what’s in your heart and mind.
Which is essentially lying.
I talk about the importance of radical honesty in relationships.
It’s also important early on.
Like, this early on.
If you know and feel all these things and say none of it, and don’t affirm it, it’s confusing.
The other person can feel that you know.
And yet, you say nothing.
You do nothing.
Instead of rewarding someone’s huge courage and guts.
You shut it down.
THE MOMENTUM gets killed.
Every time you do something like this—when you negate the connection and you refuse to acknowledge the depth of it—you kill it a little more.
Maybe you do eventually get together, but how many strategized moves and un-uttered truths later?
That’s now the pattern and vibe you carry with you into the relationship:
Dilution.
Erosion.
Fear.
Holding back to play safe.
**
True Romance
I re-watched the movie True Romance over the weekend.
This is a semi-cult classic film from 1993, written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Tony Scott.
It stars Patricia Arquette and Christian Slater.
I actually didn’t realize how rich the rest of the cast was until I started recognizing everyone from Dennis Hopper to James Gandolfini to Brad Pitt.
These two characters meet and despite the somewhat dubious circumstances that brought them together, there’s this flicker of honesty that shines through and then it becomes a flame.
I was actually pretty blown away by their performances, all these years later.
They use the L word very early and commit to each other.
And then it’s ride or die in every possible way from that moment on.
They’ll do anything for each other. And they do.
Without a moment of hesitation or question, their loyalty and absolute trust in each other are paramount.
Someone might think: “Yeah, well that’s the movies!”
My favorite thing about movies is watching smart people do brave things.
That’s it.
The only thing worth watching for me.
And the only life worth living.
And the algorithm did me right! The day after recording this, a post came up in my Insta feed from an account called @meetcutesnyc about a real life New York City couple who met and this is what happened.
**
SO.. don’t get me wrong.
I’ve had some misses.
When I wasn’t brave enough in the moment.
And some when I was.
But all those moments have driven me forward, to get better at all of it.
Mostly, to get better at being brave and honest in the moment.
Some people will meet you there.
And there’s nothing like that feeling ever in the world.
You both leap over the cliff together.
And some people won’t.
Even when they want to.
They’ll pull back out of fear.
But that part—their part—doesn’t matter so much.
All that really matters is that YOU were brave enough to go for it.
And you stay open all the same.
You don’t use them as an excuse to shut down.
You feel the sadness and walk through it.
Think of them as practice.
You are flexing your truth and heart muscles.
They only get stronger.
**
So this is a rally cry for going big; for the feelings and people that set your life on fire.
And telling them that.
Sooner, rather than later.
For all the people lamenting the current dating scene, how are you perpetuating it?
Are you “dating” people you aren’t really into?
Are you holding back with the ones you are?
The games only go on if you keep playing them.
Like I always say, save the games for where they belong:
In bed.
Because really, let’s just “get to the good part” of loving and f**king the sh*t out of each other.
Ad infinitum.
**
Next, I’ll drop an episode on the idea that I’ve seen some people spout that “chemistry is TOXIC!”
I’ll break that one down and tell you what I think the purpose is of intense, heart-fluttering, knee-weakening chemistry.
My person wasn’t brave enough yet I clearly remember “the recognition moment” of us two. I have no regrets, it’s worth experiencing, no matter the suffering that potentially comes after. I was 100% true to myself and my principles
This is why I adore you!
Hey you! Miss you! How are you? xx
And you probably got my Jen Okazaki comment! ?