The Solo Sex Date
How to have a sex date. With yourself!
You can have an incredible sex life…even if you’re single.
It’s crucial as a single person to keep your sexual fires burning. And you can do it all on your own.
In this episode:
- One of the most well-f**ked periods of my life, that happened to be when I was single. And celibate.
- Our Well-F**ked All Star of the Week, Alex, shares how men are just dropping into her lap after she uses my consciousness-expanding, self-pleasuring techniques.
- Learn how to amplify your sexual energy and magnetize your deepest desires of love, creativity and abundance.
Listen here or download and subscribe on:
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the Solo Sex Date. In last week’s episode, we talked about the Three-Hour Sex Date and how I consider this to be a staple in the gourmet sex diet for all people, especially couples, where you set aside three hours of time every week, only devoted to your sex life.
Today, I want to talk about the same idea and apply that to singles. Even if you are single, you can still be extremely well-fucked. You can be very much in touch with your sexual energy and be living from that place. You hear me talk all the time about how sexual energy is life-force creative energy. This is your energy that creates new life. If you’re not in touch with that energy, then you’re operating at a deficiency.
This can be a risk for single people. Yes, you could have a masturbation practice, which might be more like junk-food sex, but we want to up your self-pleasure practice to be more like gourmet sex.
This is the kind of sex that gives you energy and revitalizes you and makes you feel like you can take on the world, rather than needing to have a nap after you have it.
All we’re looking at is how to take your powerful sexual energy, this orgasmic, creative pleasure source, and channel that into everything that you do in your life.
You take that energy, recirculate it in yourself, and then wear it to actually translate as an outfit [laughs], a very special radiance and charisma that’s extremely attractive and which people flock to. You are operating at more of your highest potential when you’re inhabiting this part of yourself.
You’ll find that you have the Midas touch, where everything that you come into contact with, you infuse with this beautiful vitality and power and shimmer that is the direct product of your sexual energy.
I’ve known and understood the power of sexual energy for decades now. During my last major single period, I had one of the most well-fucked periods of my life and it was just me having sex with myself. This was after a very difficult breakup and I knew that I needed to do everything I could, and use all the tools that I had at my disposal, to help me move through this and properly grieve it.
When I go through a breakup, I take time to acknowledge my part, to really grieve the loss of that person, and to analyze the relationship, asking, what could I have done better, or different? What can I do best for the next relationship? I believe that really up-levels our state of consciousness so we can attract someone at a higher level. If we find that we’re slipping into patterns and habits and relationships, then this helps us to up-level and attract at a higher vibration.
Being aware of all of this stuff, I was doing a lot of practices at the time to really focus on it and to move through the energy more quickly.
Part of that was my own commitment to having a daily self-pleasure practice and this is where I created the formula of Meditate, Masturbate, and Create.
I have had a daily meditation practice for almost 30 years, but I did a special additional meditation. I usually do my primary meditation in the morning, first thing when I wake up. Then I would do this one in the middle of the day, maybe 10 minutes of chanting meditation, and then I would spend 20 to 40 minutes self-pleasuring. Then I would go and very consciously channel that energy into my world.
For me, a lot of my creative outflow is in writing. I love to write. I’m compelled to write. I have to write. I would go to a café and just sit down and start writing.
I talk about a lot of different energetic and breathing practices that I use in my salons. Some of my videos talk about how to really recirculate and move sexual energy into the body instead of just dumping it out at the point of orgasm.
I felt so in touch with my creativity, in touch with my sensuality. I was radiating this beautiful, attractive, magnetic energy because I was self-pleasuring daily and getting in touch with this place and myself.
When I talk about creation, it’s not necessarily that you go write or paint or sculpt. You can create anything that you want in your life. You can create an amazing meal for your children. You can create a beautiful decluttered closet. You can create a new income stream for your business or an amazing presentation at work.
When you have these solo sex dates, you’re keeping that sexual simmer that I talk about. You’re keeping that engine running. What we don’t want as a single person is for that engine to die out, for it to go into a dead battery, where you then need to get a charge to get the car running again.
No, we want the engine to stay warm throughout. Even in relationships, we want the same thing, but we also want it as a single person.
When you’re inhabiting that energy, then you wear it, you radiate it out into the world and are much more able to draw not just partners but opportunities.
Job situations, money situations, creative opportunities, social opportunities; things magnetize themselves to you when you’re in that place. You feel much happier, pleasured, vital, and bring positive energy into your life.
Do a three-hour weekly sex date. Have a 60-minute to two-hour solo sex date every week and then have at least a couple of other shorter ones throughout the week.
And if you’re going through a tough time, as in you’re going through a breakup or just feeling low, in some kind of a rut, having a sex date with yourself every day is one of the most powerful things that you can do.
When I used to work with clients one on one, this would be a lot of the home play that I would give them: “All right, you’re on a 21-day sex date order. [Laughs]. Every single day you need to do this.” They would have these miraculous transformations.
I remember one client saying to me that she busted through so much more stuff in those 21 days than she had in years of therapy.
This becomes a tool. When you need to up the ante, up the momentum in your life, go harder in your sex practices. Go more frequent in your sex practices. Go longer in your sex practices. This is your energy source. This is your fueling station and so this is where you go to gather more strength, power, and creativity in your life. Once you train yourself to do that, you realize sex isn’t just about busting out an orgasm and jerking off before you go to bed. It’s about yes, having much more expanded experiences of pleasure, but also using this energy to create your life.
For women, I would suggest starting out your sex date with some nurturing kind of rituals; have a salt-soak bath, do some breast massage. I have a great free video on breast massage which I’ll put in my website post of this. You can see the link; it’s a YouTube video. Or go to my YouTube video channel. Google “breast massage” or search for “breast massage.”
Then build up to your self-pleasure. Spend time on the parts of your body that you might neglect and not pay very much attention to or even the parts that you dislike and disassociate from. Massage them, stimulate them, breathe as you’re doing all these practices, and then work your way up into exploration.
Use a jade yoni egg, if you have one. Use my couture line of vaginal orgasm-generating dildos, and then build your way up to a climax or not. Part of what you want to do in this work is reconnaissance. Explore inside of your vagina and your other body parts, your breasts, your vulva, your belly, your thighs. Any place that you feel you get some kind of pleasurable sensation from or if you don’t have it yet, imagine that you can.
I have another great YouTube video which guides you through a starter practice of doing self-yoni massage, or other partner practice as well.
For men, one of the most important things that you can do as lovers is to build your sexual stamina.
I would suggest that you wean yourself off porn or do a full cold turkey off porn and practice stamina building. Again, I have some great videos on building stamina, how to last longer in bed, some cock lengthening, strengthening, erection-powering videos on my YouTube channel, which would be great resources for you.
Then practice breathing and getting into your body and extending the time that you have before you get to orgasm. You want to play on the edge of orgasm without going over it. The more that you can build this up in yourself and bring that to your next partner, they will very much appreciate that you’re not just a pump and schlump. Pump, dump, schlump, fall-over-after-you- come kind of guy. No, no, no. You’ve got lots of potential and power and sexual stamina. That’s what we women want.
The more that you practice that, and focus on your breath work to really build that up, the more that you will begin to wear more of your sexual energy because you’re not just dumping it out through quite relentless and unconscious ejaculation. You’re building it, building it, building it, recirculating it in your body and wearing that energy.
I recently did an interview with one of our Well-F**ked All-Star candidates and she was talking about how, when she was in my Well-F**ked Woman Salon, she began doing this daily self-pleasuring challenge. Within a few weeks, she was walking down the sidewalk with her one-year-old child and this man came galloping across the street to pick her up and was so persistent about getting her number and taking her out—and this was from across the street.
I hear this exact same scenario, where men cross the street [laughs] to talk to women. Then I hear the same thing with men, that they start getting different career opportunities, but also this strong increase of attention from interested parties where they go out of their way to pick them up in ways that are so obvious that you almost have to laugh.
I wanted to bring Alexandra on today to talk. I issued a challenge last year about this meditate/masturbate/create and she took the challenge and had a number of very similar experiences, where one or two days after doing the practice, she had people just flying out of the woodwork at her.
KIM: Welcome, Alex!
ALEX: Thank you! Thanks so much.
KIM: Alex is in the Well-F**ked Hall of Fame, in the single-person category, having had some pretty incredible experiences through cultivating her sexual energy.
Tell us a little bit about yourself, Alex.
ALEX: I’m a writer. I’ve been a professional writer for pretty much my entire career. I used to work in public broadcasting and radio and now I’m self-employed. I write books and articles and work with clients and lots of things like that.
I currently live on the Big Island of Hawaii. I moved here about six months ago, which has been a lifelong dream come true.
KIM: There you go, creating from your vagina!
ALEX: Yeah. [Laughs]
KIM: You messaged me last year. I had put out this Go Love Yourself/Go Fuck Yourself Challenge, which was all about getting in touch with your sexual energy through a conscious self-pleasuring practice. I coined this phrase “meditate/masturbate/create,” which was all about doing these things in a ritual and a sequence to really focus your mind, elevate your consciousness, and then channel your sexual energy out into the world.
You emailed me almost immediately to let me know you’d had some pretty noticeable results in doing this practice, so tell us all about it.
ALEX: Yes, you issued the seven-day masturbation challenge, and I remember seeing it. I think it came into my inbox in a newsletter and at that point in my life last year, I was in a very long-term committed relationship that was in a really bad place. It was unraveling, things were falling apart. I was beginning the grieving process of that, so I wasn’t feeling super awesome. I was feeling sexually numb and shut down and really sad.
And then I saw this email from you suggesting a seven-day masturbation challenge and I thought, I’m going to do it! Maybe this is the thing that will shift my energy somehow.
I think it was either the first or the second day of the seven-day challenge. I meditated, I masturbated, and then I went for a walk into town. A guy literally ran across the street and down the street to come talk to me and ask for my number. I think he just said, “Hi! You’re really pretty! Can I have your number, please? I would like to …” Just babbling. I was kind of stunned. Nothing like that has ever happened to me before, where someone went sprinting down the street [laughs] to come say hello.
I kind of politely declined. I wasn’t interested in that moment, but I had a huge smile on my face. It was very flattering.
Then later that same day, another guy came up to me and was kind of flirting with me and trying to chat with me and again, I want to stress, this doesn’t happen just every day, and that’s when I emailed you to say, “Whoa! It’s crazy how a little bit of self-love, masturbation, reawakening your sexual energy, it really does give you a glow that is so magnetic, people just want to be around you.”
That was my first breakthrough moment. [Laughs]
KIM: That’s amazing. That’s exactly how we talk about it, is this energy that you wear, and I love that from across the street, this person couldn’t even get a really good look at you, so he really was reacting to, yes, potentially your appearance, but more an energy. He was feeling your aura, your energy, from across the road and was so drawn that he had to gallop across the road to go and check this thing out. [Laughs]
ALEX: Exactly. It literally was a gallop! [Laughs] I was kind of frightened at first. “Oh my God, what’s happening?” And then I realized he was coming to talk to me. It was pretty funny. [Laughs]
KIM: You said that somebody came up to you at the beach as well?
You told me another story about somebody handwriting poetry to you on the spot and also trying to seduce you in this Shakespearean manner. Explain this to us, please?
ALEX: [Laughs] Okay. This was a couple months after the story I just shared. At this point, my ex-partner and I had broken up. I had officially moved to Hawaii. I was beginning a new chapter of my life. I had also gotten a jade egg from your shop, which I can tell you about later. I was in a space of wanting to create a whole new chapter of my life. Part of that was meditating more often and going to the beach more often, going to the ocean more often.
One morning, really, really early, at dawn, I went to the beach and swam in the ocean. There was no one there. It was so serene and beautiful and I got out of the water feeling so happy and refreshed. I started walking back to my car and then this guy appeared and started chatting with me a little bit. I politely said, “Oh, nice to meet you, I’m going, blah, blah, blah,” and I kind of walked away.
And then somehow he appeared by my car and handed me an index card. He had written this letter that basically just said, “If you would just give me a chance, I would love to get to know you and I promise you, I will be so great,” extolling his virtues and promises with his phone number written on it and urging me to get in touch.
It wasn’t creepy or pushy. He was very polite. He just handed me this very neatly handwritten card and I thought, Whoa! And then threw it away. It was so funny! Nothing like that had ever happened to me previously, so that was a new experience, beach poetry. [Laughs]
KIM: Right. Being so totally inspired by your beauty and magnetism to put pen to paper. This is incredible, these people just popping up. What’s that game where you have to knock them over the head?
ALEX: Whac-A-Mole! [Laughs]
KIM: That’s right. That’s right. All the men, just Whac-A-Mole-ing up all over the place.
You’re a very creative person. I’m sure you have an awareness of your creativity and how you work with that. How would you describe your beginning more of a conscious sexual practice, working with the yoni egg, and what have you noticed in terms of any impact on your creativity and your inspiration?
ALEX: So much. I just recently started doing the yoni egg and trying a little bit of weight-lifting. Very light weights, like you talk about, waking up that whole region of my body and feeling more sensation and less numb. And also, of course, pelvic floor strengthening and all that stuff.
I would say that in combination with masturbating consistently, I feel more powerful and more relaxed. I’m looking right now at my bulletin board on my wall that has my creative goals and my financial goals for my business and this month, I am completely on track to hitting my financial goals and I feel like I’ve barely been working. I know that’s a cheesy thing to say, but I feel a different level of relaxation and power where I’m able to sit at my computer for three hours and get a lot done in a very efficient, powerful way, and then go to the beach for the rest of the day, instead of feeling like I need to be tethered to my laptop 24/7 and feeling very tense and tight.
I totally believe that there’s a connection between sexual energy and creative energy and the more sexual energy that I’m building inside of myself, the more I feel that I can write and create classes and teach and consult and all the things that I do in a very powerful way, where I can get a lot done in a compressed amount of time. I totally feel a connection.
I just feel more alive!
KIM: That’s something that I’ve noticed as well with my creativity; it becomes more effortless. The ideas just come more easily and there’s a flow that I keep myself in this pleasured place. The work I have to do is to keep myself in a place of feeling nurtured and loved and happy and enjoying myself, enjoying my life, pampering myself, and then this other flow is more accessible to me.
ALEX: Yeah. And I’m really fortunate. I don’t have children, I’m self-employed, so I have a great deal of freedom in terms of how I design my schedule, but I feel really, for the first time in my life, I’m taking full advantage of that freedom and I’m saying I don’t want to be at my computer eight or 10 hours a day like I have been in the past. I can work in a different way.
Yeah, you often talk about how breaking through different layers sexually also helps you break through other layers in your life and shed old habits and patterns. I think a lot of that for me is patterns of perfectionism and overworking and being online and connected to digital stuff too much. I’m noticing that it’s easier and easier to release and change a lot of that, right now, at this point in life. Which feels really good.
KIM: I love hearing that. When you were getting more into this conscious, self-pleasuring practice and meditate/masturbate/create, did you notice if that had an impact on how you moved through the breakup? Because you said you were at the dissolution of your relationship. Because I think that, often, using our sexual energy consciously is a great way to help catapult us through that process of grief. Acknowledging feeling grief, I’m always about that, but then move through that and then into the next level or the next stage. How did you see that?
ALEX: Yeah. It was the longest and most important romantic relationship of my life. We were not legally married, but we were basically married. We had a house together, we had a business together, our lives were very entwined, so that relationship ending—and also the way it ended—was incredibly painful.
What I told myself as it was happening was, this isn’t a breakup; it’s a break upgrade, meaning this is an opportunity for me to upgrade every single area of my life: my personal style, my creativity, my finances, my physical health. I’m going to take all the broken pieces around me and really upgrade and focus 100% on myself because I’m a total serial monogamist and I’ve been in one monogamous relationship or another pretty much all my adult life, with very few spaces of being single. I wanted to really take this time to be single and work on myself and upgrade, upgrade, upgrade as much as I can.
Yeah, focusing on doing yoni egg, masturbating, focusing on self-care like never before, I feel like I’m leveling up in so many ways. It sounds so cliché, but when I am ready for another relationship I know I will be stepping into it as such a different person and such a stronger person. I’m excited about that.
It has helped me get through the grief. Even though I am still grieving, there’s that flicker of hope that the best is yet to come, and this is all an upgrade in the end. That gives me some comfort.
KIM: That’s fantastic. What about the energy of not giving a fuck? What can you tell me about that?
ALEX: [Laughs] Yes! I think I’ve always been pretty independent and done my own thing. But I also have a side of me that’s very perfectionist and people-pleasing, which wants to do a really, really, really good job so that everyone likes me, etc.
But I definitely feel more don’t-give-a-fuck energy. It’s even manifesting in how I dress. I live in Hawaii now, and in the past, I’ve been a little self-conscious about my legs or whatever. Nowadays, I’m wearing tiny jean shorts and tromping around town. I just don’t care! I feel very comfortable in my skin and I feel there’s a level of armor and layers taken off. I feel I can just be in my skin and be really comfortable and happy and not care about people’s reactions as much as I have in the past, which feels really good.
KIM: I love it. I always talk about how that’s the hallmark of someone who really is wearing and inhabiting more of their sexual energy because they don’t care what other people think of them and they’re not trying not to care; they just don’t. It’s something that just falls away from them and they start making choices in how they dress, in whatever they do, and being open about it. Take it or leave it. There’s this confidence that comes from deep within the vagina, and it spreads itself out into their lives as the result of being in touch with this energy and begins to have a life of its own.
We don’t have to click, “I am confident. I am confident.” People are doing crazy affirmations to get to these places. Maybe that’s part of someone’s process and that’s fine, but it’s coming from the place of enlivening their sexual energy.
ALEX: Yeah, yeah! We talk about not giving a fuck and I think sometimes that brings to mind an image of someone who is almost mean, who doesn’t care, but that’s not what it feels like to me. It’s more just that I do what I want, and I do what brings me alive and what makes me happy and I don’t say yes to commitments that drain me.
It’s not giving a fuck, but in a sense that’s very joyful. And then other people get inspired and want to be around that energy.
I’ve been so moved and overjoyed since moving to Hawaii about how I’ve made so many amazing friends here and they’ve just materialized out of nowhere. Setting aside even romantic stuff, just wonderful people seem to be showing up, popping up, wanting to get to know me, wanting to hang out with me. I’ve literally been moved to tears at times at just how amazing the friends are that are showing up right now, and I think that’s all connected to sexual energy and the glow, the vibe that you give off. People just want to hang with you, [laughs] which is really cool.
KIM: I love it! Is there anything else that you want to share?
ALEX: Yeah, the last thing I wanted to share was the story of how I bought the yoni egg from your shop, which was as my relationship with my ex was dissolving and we were getting ready to sell our house that we bought together. There was a brief time period where we had tenants living there and it was incredibly depressing. I was so grief-stricken and sad about the idea of getting rid of this house that we’d bought together, other people moving in; the whole thing just was incredibly depressing to me.
The first month that my ex sent me some money via PayPal, which was basically my share of the rental income that we had earned, I remember opening my email. I saw that PayPal transaction come through and I just burst into tears. I have never been so sad to have money! [Laughs] It was the most depressing thing and I remember feeling, we had this beautiful love story and we were best friends and now we’re PayPal transactions. It just felt so, so sad.
So, I was crying at my computer and I just had this thought, which was, I want to take this extra money that I wasn’t expecting to earn this year and do something empowering with it. Do something that’s going to help me heal from this breakup.
I took some of it and I went to your shop and bought a yoni egg.
ALEX: And I was so excited. I remember texting a friend of mine and saying, “I just got the rental money and look what I bought!” And she said, “Yeah, girl!” [Laughs] So funny!
Then when it arrived in the mail, it was that reminder again that it’s not a breakup, it’s a break upgrade and, from this grief and from this loss and this death of a chapter of my life, I can begin again and up-level and take better care of myself and become—I’m going to cry—the strongest possible version of myself.
Getting that egg in the mail was symbolic of taking something so, so sad and turning it into new energy and new potential. I’m so grateful for you, Kim. You inspire me so much all the time. I look forward to having a voodoo pussy, just like you, one day, and lifting pineapples, etc. [Laughs]
KIM: Right! When you go get them at the farmers market, now you can just lift them back.
ALEX: Yes! I actually wrote on my list of goals for this year “Anami All-Star Pineapple Level.”
KIM: Oh, I love it! Thank you for the kind words. You were talking about the egg being this new portal for you. I think of the symbolism of the egg, too. The seed, the beginning that contains all of this new life and potential to emerge out of it. Yeah!
ALEX: So true. I didn’t even think of that, but absolutely. It is like a new birth.
KIM: That’s an amazing attitude and I think that’s the ultimate attitude to have after any kind of relationship dissolution, where we use it as a stepping stone to a newer and higher and better place. A friend of mine always used to say, “Something better always coming.” It was a Balinese friend of mine, so it has slightly imperfect grammar. [Laughs] Something better always coming. Something better always coming. You know, one door closes, one door opens.
ALEX: Yeah, I totally believe that, and I think that’s true if you want it to be true, right?
ALEX: We can repeat the same mistakes we’ve made in previous relationships or we can level up. I’m really committed right now to taking some time being single, maybe a lot of time, really taking as much responsibility as I possibly can for the ending of my last relationship and learning and growing. Really hatching from a new egg, so to speak.
ALEX: I look forward to that.
KIM: Beautiful! Thank you so much, Alex.
ALEX: Thanks for having me. It was fun to talk about eggs and vaginas.
KIM: The product of the week that I want to focus on is the Akasha couture dildo from the Anami Alchemia Shop.
I designed and produced a series of vaginal orgasm dildos. I always talk about the power of vaginal orgasms for women and how they are essential good-fuck medicine and women need to be truly well fucked and sexually inhabited. They need to be having regular vaginal orgasms. By that, I mean, G-spot orgasms, cervical orgasms, AFE-zone orgasms, ejaculatory, i.e., squirting orgasms. All of these are necessary to really get into the deeper recesses of the vagina, to stimulate the woman, help her to release tension, trauma, stress, whatever, and then feel reborn. This is really where the woman gets that experience of la petite mort, the rebirth, the little death, and the rebirth that comes through sexual transcendence.
I designed one dildo for the G-spot and two for the cervix. Today the one I want to focus on is Akasha, which is the one for the G-spot.
This particular dildo has a curvature to it. The G-spot is about 1 to 2 inches inside the vagina, going around a natural curve inside the vagina, the anterior portion.
This beautiful, Murano-style glass dildo has a curve to it and there’s the weight of the glass. When you get really into G-spot pleasure and exploration, you know that sustained pressure is your best friend. Having this dildo is like a pinch hitter. Either your fingers can do the trick, or this dildo is the most perfect tool to get there.
I played with the size and the shape of these dildos as I was making them, testing out different formats, basing them on my dream cocks and whatever else I knew would do the trick. I have personally tested all of these dildos and made them according to the ultimate orgasm specifications and Akasha is just a work of art to behold.
That’s available in the Anami Alchemia Shop. Akasha in Sanskrit means the matter that comes from the ethers. It’s like before it even becomes matter, so it’s the substance that comes from the ethers down into the physical world. I think about this parallel with vaginal orgasms, that on a very, very deep and profound level, you’re connecting to this divine energy that you have at your disposal, to go out and create and shape your world with.
As I challenged the couples last week, I’m challenging you singles to go out there and get into your sex dates this week. Schedule it in your calendar, your Outlook, your day planner, your phone. I’d love for you to take a photo or a screenshot and send your images to me of your screen shots, of your sex dates, to Info@KimAnami.com. I would love to have my inbox full of your sex date information. We’ve already got a number of them that have come in from last week, which excites me to no end.
Next week I want to talk about the sex weekend and the extended six- or seven-day sex date, so the Sex Weekend and the Sex Week.
Thank you so much for listening! If you haven’t already, subscribe, and also leave a review and send someone else the gift of a healthy libido and an off-the-charts love life by sharing this episode with them. We’ll be back next week and in the meantime, many happy orgasms.