The 3-Hour Sex Date
Not dinner, a movie or a walk in the park. Just sex.
A pillar of my professional—and personal—philosophy is to schedule a 3-hour sex date every week. This becomes the sanctuary and refuelling station in your relationship and can nourish and rejuvenate you through your entire week. We discuss what it looks like, why three hours specifically and how to do it, do it, do it.
What is it?
What are the benefits to it?
Why 3 hours?
Do you have intercourse the entire time? If you are me, yes.
In today’s episode, you’ll hear all about how I came to be a prescriber of the 3-hour sex date from my own cataclysmic experiences of being cracked open during my own, and why they are the key to a thriving relationship.
We’ve added another new feature to the podcast. This week it’s:
Sex Position of the Week. You’ll have to tune in to hear all about my favorite sex position and why it’s perfect for your 3-hour sex date.
Fear not, singles! Next week’s episode is for you. 🙂
Because even if you don’t have a date for V-Day, you’ll always have your orgasms.
Listen and comment on the podcast here:
Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And send me screenshots of your calendar sex dates!
The Three-Hour Sex Date. Today I want to talk to you about one of my favorite things and one of the staples of the Kim Anami professional and deeply personal philosophy, which is the idea of having a weekly three-hour sex date.
I advise all of my clients—men, women, couples, singles—to schedule a three-hour sex date every single week. This is nonnegotiable, not skippable, and you have to do this every week of your relationship with yourself and your partner. This is an experience that changes your entire life and becomes the foundation of your intimate relationship.
What is a three-hour sex date? This is where you set aside a three-hour chunk of time each week. Just for sex. Not for dinner or a movie or a walk in the park. Just sex.
If you want to have dinner, then you have dinner and then you go home or to your hotel and you have your three-hour sex date. Or go to a movie and then have your date. Or go have your sex date and then go to a movie. But the three hours are devoted to you and your partner.
Today we’re going to talk about couples. Next week I’ll do an episode on solo-sex dates. Three hours of you and your partner in bed or in the car or on the beach or wherever you want to be engaging in this.
The place this idea came from was from my own experience, where I had a partner years ago who was a corporate lawyer, so he was very busy. He had a very scheduled kind of life and every Thursday afternoon, he would block out time for a very long sex date.
He would come over and everyone at his office knew that this was an unusable time in his calendar. Every Thursday afternoon there was a three-hour time blocked out where he was never, ever available and this was just accepted.
Of course, I blocked out that time as well and he would come over and we would have our three-hour sex date. At first, it might seem like a long time. You might wonder, what do you do during this time? I’m going to get to all of that. It got to this place where we would both be anticipating the sex date. There would be this incredible build-up, this flirtation, this “what are we going to do? What are we going to explore this time?” Sometimes we had designated things on the menu and other times, it was a total free-flow of how we both felt, and we always looked forward to it.
Why do you need three hours? You need enough time to be able to go deep, to break open, to experience the most intensely mind-obliterating orgasms and to have no pressure and no rush. All the times when you’re having sex in between other things, you might think you’re going to be interrupted by children or a phone call or you’ve got your mind on a meeting. But you actually bookmark this time to just slowly, languorously, luxuriously explore each other’s bodies. I would definitely say that these are the sessions where I’ve had my most potent sexual enlightenment breakthroughs because we’ve had enough time to really deeply open up.
Even when I go get a massage, I will always book a minimum of 90 minutes because the first half-hour, you’re just letting go of the outside world. You’re just starting to sink into your body, getting into that space so as not to be distracted. You’re breathing, you’re inhabiting yourself.
Then the next half hour, you’re really getting into it, and then it’s over. So, I always book at least 90 minutes, if not two hours, often. If I’m at a spa, I might add a scrub or a facial on top of that, so it becomes a three-hour self-love, nurturing session for myself. I completely shed my attention from the outside world, and that act of love and nurturance is very powerful.
This is really where the magic happens, where you’ve cleared out that space and you can drop deeply into yourselves and each other.
I’m thinking back on one of my very first lovers when I was younger, who was really into having extended sex. He could go for hours. I think of how that was really a formative experience for me. Let’s just say I had had a smattering of very quick-to-finish young lovers who could go three, five, ten minutes maybe, right? Maybe 15! Where this guy could go for hours.
I had cervical orgasms with this guy and so then that became the framework and the blueprint for me going forward, thinking, This is what sex is supposed to look like. It’s supposed to be this incredible ascension where you go to the next level and then the next level and then the next and you keep breaking through.
Afterward, you feel like you’ve cracked yourself open, like that beautiful Leonard Cohen quote … what is it? The cracks are where the light gets in. All of your other outward shells crack open and fall away. Your conditioning, your false self gets cracked open and then disintegrates. This is why I talk about sex as being self-realizing—you’re left with this true, pure, open version of yourself. From those experiences, I came to see sex as medicine.
This was before I ever learned about Tantra, or had any definition of Tantra and expanded sex, which Tantra is really all about. It’s about the idea that it’s not just this quick race to the finish line, and also from the Taoist philosophy, that we’re harvesting our sexual energy, we’re breathing and recirculating that energy. And the more that we build it, the more we can exchange it with each other—and ourselves, if we’re alone—and be enlivened and revitalized by it.
It’s a very conscious practice of using this energy as a means to go deeper within ourselves, this pivot to open, to self-realize, to heal ourselves, to get to these much deeper places in ourselves. I’m all about the depth, so, to see that I could do this in my sex life was an incredible revelation and a gift. I’ll be forever grateful to that young lover of mine who was really into the extended sex sessions and took me to places I’d never been before.
Because of that, I’ve been able to map out, going forward in my own life, but obviously also in my work, what is possible, and what every person can get to.
A huge factor in that is having time. These days, the average couple will push sex to the bottom of their list of things, once they get established as a couple. When they’re starting to get to know each other, they’ll prioritize sex and intimacy, but then that slowly starts to drift lower and lower and lower on the list of priorities, where my big message is that when you put your three-hour sex date as number one, your relationship becomes the sanctuary and the recharging station that fuels every other part of your life.
It’s in your best interest. You’ll be more productive, you’ll be happier, you’ll be wittier, you’ll be smarter, you’ll be healthier, physically, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, if you prioritize your intimate relationship and your three-hour sex date.
I had a partner some years ago and we were living in different cities, about a three-hour drive away, so we would only physically see each other on the weekends. That’s where we would have our big extended sex dates and that pretty much carried us through the week. We would talk on the phone during the week, but we weren’t really doing much—I don’t even know if video sex existed at the time. [Laughs] It was a while back! We would talk and maybe there’d be a little bit of phone sex, but mostly it was just when we saw each other.
That deep, high-quality sex date, even if that was the only sex you had all week, that would be enough to carry you through the week. Ideally, you have at least a couple of other sex dates throughout the week, even if they’re shorter ones. You can have shorter ones in between, so long as you’re having a substantial, three-hour sex date.
I’ve had lots of clients who implement this in their lives and one couple in particular. She owned a yoga studio and all the staff knew at the studio that they could never call her for any reason on a Sunday morning all the way up to noon on a mother-fucking Sunday. It was Mama gets fucked on a Sunday! [Laughs] So, no-go. Everyone knew. All the staff knew. That was Sunday sex morning, so nobody got disturbed during that time.
Another client, similar to my former partner, had a Wednesday afternoon where he was never available for a three-hour window and would go home to be with his wife while the kids were still at school.
The yoga studio couple didn’t have children yet, so obviously, they had more flexibility with their time. The doctor actually took an afternoon off work to go and be with his wife before the children could be there.
People with busy lives and careers and children can still do this, but you have to prioritize it. If you have kids, then maybe you have an alternating weekend where your kids sleep over at somebody else’s house or a family member or a babysitter and you go to a hotel.
I had a couple who bought a little trailer and put it in their backyard, basically so they could have their weekly sex dates. If this trailer’s a-rockin’, don’t come knockin’!
They would go into the trailer and tell their kids Mama and Papa were going in for private time. Their kids were older, they could be left in the house on their own, didn’t need a babysitter—the parents were just out back.
There are many, many ways that you can achieve this if you are committed to doing it.
What happens during these three hours? I’m often asked, are you having penetration and intercourse the entire time? Well, if you study my work, as you learn these different kinds of Tantric sex techniques and Taoist breath expansion stamina techniques, then absolutely you could have three solid hours of intercourse and I highly suggest that you do.
Not only are you being pleasured and generating this massive cocktail of neurotransmitter and hormonal bliss, but you’re also harvesting this energy. On the more metaphysical level, in Chinese medicine, we call it chi, the word for energy, and they have another word for sexual energy, Ji, J-I. Chi is C-H-I. It’s considered to be a denser, thicker form of energy that we then learn how to consciously move and direct throughout our bodies. These are the kinds of things that I teach people in my sexual savant online salons.
The longer that you’re having sex, the more of this quality energy that you’re actually creating. This idea of making love—you’re actually making this energy between the two of you and so it’s in your best interest to spend that time.
We all have such busy lives these days that again, it takes time to unburden, take down your walls, let down your guard, and be really present and get into the sweet spot.
When you start a difficult conversation with someone that you know might be contentious and it gets off to an awkward start, then you both fumble into it and then you hit the sweet spot of self-expression and honesty, where you get into the flow. You get into that flow state where suddenly everything seems to work and you’re in harmony and you can do no wrong.
That’s what we’re aiming for. That’s also part of the rationale for having the three hours.
Yes, if you’re at that Tantric kind of superstar level, you can be having penetration the whole time. [Laughs] Otherwise, you can do a lot of therapeutic and sensual massage. A lot of practicing your sex talk, how to keep up dirty talk—keep talking to each other during sex. You can do fantasy exploration, talk about your fantasies, extended oral sex, manual sex, yoni massage, lingam massage. You can enjoy some light sexy snacks like papaya or figs or raw cacao, some kind of aphrodisiac concoction. There are all these medicinal mushrooms that are out there these days.
You could explore all the different kinds of orgasms, from clitoral to cervical to G-spot, ejaculation, anal orgasms. The man, you can explore his prostate. He can practice learning how to orgasm without ejaculation. There’s all kinds of BDSM play. There’s a whole world of stuff out there for you to explore.
Just like any other part of your life, think about learning. When you have a job and you get your career established, you’re constantly looking at—ideally—how to better yourself. You’re doing seminars, studying, looking at new advancements and developments in your field. You’re taking extra education.
The same thing ought to apply to your sex life. Your laboratory is your bed and you might study and try to learn about new things, but so much of it you can actually discover through your own self-exploration and devoting the time and having an attitude of curiosity and exploration.
We don’t have to have arrived, just because we want to explore the G-spot today. We don’t have to get a G-spot orgasm today! It might take 20 sessions, it might take 60, and it might take one, but you have this commitment to explore and let go of the idea of a report card of things that you tick off.
Also, the whole point is really slowing everything down. Instead of galloping to the finish line, the trajectory of sex is 0 to 10—10 is orgasm, 0 is, say, non-arousal. Instead of zipping up to 1 to 5, there’s a 7 to 10 blackout zone, where suddenly—bam—it’s over. You want to slow things down to like a 1, to a 1.5, to a 2, to a 2.25, to a 3. Really savor that journey. It’s all about these other sex acts that we write off and dismiss as being teeny little bits of foreplay. Oh, a little bit of breast stimulation and then move on. Oh, do a little bit of oral sex, just to get them ready for penetrative sex, rather than spending a good half hour having oral sex.
You can do all of this and it’s in your best interest to do it.
A few of the rules for a three-hour sex date:
You schedule it. You put it on your calendar, and you make it official and nonnegotiable. If, for some reason, you have to reschedule, you have an emergency come up, then you reschedule, but you don’t cancel. It’s ideal if you have a set day of the week. Those people that I’ve described and I do it every Friday night or every Wednesday afternoon. Then if something comes up, everyone knows that you’re a blackout zone during that time. But if something comes up, then you carve out another window. If it’s usually Wednesday afternoon, and something comes up, then you bump it to Friday night or Sunday morning. You do something to make it up and don’t just let it go that week.
Because if you let it go one week, then you let it go and you let it go. Anyone who takes on, let’s say a new and regular committed exercise regimen, you know, you can’t just say—”Oh, I didn’t feel like doing it that day.” And the thing is, once you get in the groove of doing it, your body knows how good it feels and it pushes you out the door to get to the gym.
Initially let’s say you’re starting a new exercise program and you have to make yourself go to the gym. You start exercising and it’s a bit of a slog at first and then your neurotransmitters and your hormones kick in and you think, “Oh, this is really good.” You do that three times a week for three weeks and then your body is into it. Your body wakes you up in the morning and says, “Hey, when are we going to the gym?” And you say, “All right, all right, let’s go.” [Laughs]
The same thing happens with your sex date. As soon as you get your body and your brain on board, they then become the initiators for you, and you don’t have to force yourself. It doesn’t seem like a chore.
In addition, as I said, to that mainstay of your three-hour sex date sanctuary, you carve out a couple of other times at least during the week to have sex. Ideally, in the morning. I’m a big proponent of morning sex. I have a great YouTube video out on morning sex; go check that out.
Because at the end of the night, you’re often too tired. Set your alarm half an hour earlier. Even if it’s 30 minutes of intimate connection in the morning, that’s great. You start your day off with a bang.
If you’re already having other sex regularly, then you don’t have to schedule it. But scheduling it happens if you don’t do it regularly and naturally. Then I insist that you schedule it.
People say that scheduling time for sex seems so dull and rigid and unsexy. “I don’t want to put sex in my Google calendar, I want it to be spontaneous!” Well, here’s the reframe. Think of it like a vacation. You plan a vacation to a destination that you really want to go to and then usually you start doing some research. You see what beaches you can go to, what places exist that are fun to sightsee. What other activities? Can you windsurf? Can you snowboard?
You start to do that research about how you can make your vacation amazing. You lock it into your calendar, and then nothing is going to cause you to cancel this trip. You don’t just say, “Oh, I’ve got a meeting, so I guess we’ll have to cancel our whole vacation.” No fucking way do you do that!
You start planning. You think of what you’re packing, what you’re going to wear, all the activities you’re going to be doing—hiking in the jungle, sunbathing, skinny dipping, sex on the beach! It’s so much fun to plan out and to imagine and so the days roll by, and your vacation is quickly approaching. Your anticipation gets even higher; you get really excited about it. Think of your weekly sex date just like that.
Your sex date is a mini vacation in the midst of your busy week. It’s something that you look forward to all week long. And as, more and more, you learn to tap into your sexual energy, you get this sense of rebirth, self-actualization, total rejuvenation, ecstasy. And then you’re going to think of your sex life that way.
But if your sex life isn’t like that, then I can see why you’d say, “Well, why would I plan three hours to have sex and then my partner comes in three minutes? What do we do after that?”
That’s a very, very good point, so get yourself on over to Kim Anami-land and learn how to shift these things in yourself and improve your sex life because that’s where we want you to be. The barometric question that I always ask is: Is sex deeply pleasurable, life-changing, exquisitely beautiful, transformative, high for you? If it’s not, then you’re doing it wrong.
Not a judgment, only to say that sex ought to make you feel on top of the world and be this life-changing ecstasy for you. If it’s not, then you’re not tapped into and you haven’t yet learned how to use your sexual energy in a way that makes it like that.
People come to me and say, “Oh, I don’t have time for that.” I love to tell a story of a couple—and I’m going to keep telling it all the time, because they’re the best! [Laughs] They have five children between them; they both work very high-powered jobs. They’re on their second marriage and they both committed that on this marriage, they were going to have an incredible sex life. And they do. They have sex every single day. They do not allow anything to get in the way of that and it’s a nonnegotiable for them because they made it a commitment and a priority.
When you say, “We don’t have time,” look at some statistics. The average Netflix customer spends 10 hours per week watching Netflix shows. The average American watches about 20 hours of traditional television per week. The average American spends four hours per week on Facebook and 10 hours a day using some kind of digital device, computer, tablet, phone, television.
Imagine how amazing it would be to spend a little bit less time flopped in front of a screen and a little more time diving headfirst into an ocean of gushing come. You have the time; it’s all about prioritizing and making your intimate relationship your highest priority and not the last thing that you do on your list.
Sex Position of the Week
KIM: This week we’re going to bring in a new feature called Sex Position of the Week. Here I’m going to talk about a sexual position that I recommend, that Dr. Kim prescribes, and explain why I think it’s a really good one.
This week, we’re going to talk about doggy style! This is my all-time favorite sex position.
The reason why it’s ideal for a three-hour sex date is that most women can’t go really quickly into doggy style. If you just started to have intercourse, they are going to need some time to warm up, get juicy, explore other sexual positions, have a lot of foreplay, and then you can go and hang out in doggy style and penetrate into the cervix. When I say into, I don’t mean inside of it. I mean energetic penetration and touch.
That’s where cervical orgasms happen, is through penetration, touch, and stimulation of the cervix. These are the deepest and most powerful orgasms that a woman can have.
In Taoist sexual reflexology, the cervix is the heart point for women and the head of the cock is the heart point for men and so when they’re lined up together, it’s heart to heart! This tends to be a very deep, intimate, powerful position if the woman is warmed up enough.
Most women will have the experience, if their partner goes fast into doggy style and starts thrusting really hard, of being uncomfortable. It will feel tight; it could hurt them—not damage, but just not feel good. That’s because they’re not properly warmed up.
Obviously, in your three-hour sex date you really warm the woman up, get her juicy and flowing and relaxed and activated and connected to her vagina so that then, when you go into doggy style, she’s open and ready.
Because it’s the heart point for the woman, she tends to feel very open and vulnerable. It’s not typically a position where, in a casual sex position, she’s going to get cervical orgasms and be really open. There’s nothing wrong with doing it, but to get to these deeper orgasms and this heart place, she needs to have an open heart. She needs to be in a relationship with a partner where she feels she can open her heart and then she’ll be able to much more easily—and I don’t even know if a woman can get there at all prior to that—to have cervical orgasms because she’s feeling that connection.
A deep partner connection is very important. A man needs to be creating an energy in a space of a container, where he’s really holding the energetic space for whatever comes out of the woman during a doggy-style cervical-type orgasm—she might be shrieking and crying and screaming and laughing. All of this cavalcade of emotion and stuff can come out of the woman and that’s good! We want it to. The vagina and the cervix are the storehouse of tension and trauma and energy that gets locked into the tissue and so by literally pounding away at it—pounding with love and ferocity—we can let this stuff be released and let go.
Doggy style is one of the best therapeutic positions out there and also, obviously for the man, it’s a very visually arousing position, a very dominant position, and a position that the man will need to practice a lot of stamina strength with, so that he can hold his own and keep going and going and going and going.
Here is my prescription for the week: schedule a three-hour sex date and show me. I want you to lock it into your calendar. Put it into your calendar in some way and then send it to me. Take a photo or a screenshot. You can email it to me at Info@KimAnami.com, or you can send it to me through Instagram with a private message, or you can even post it on your own Instagram, and you can tag me, #3HourSexDate. The number 3, Hour Sex Date, #3HourSexDate.
I want my inbox to be flooded with evidence of your sex dates. I will take these photos and screenshots and share them on my Instagram to inspire other people to schedule their sex dates as well. I will remove any identifying information, like your email address or your Instagram handle. These will all be anonymous, but I just want to show people that you guys are all taking action and going to do your three-hour sex dates.
If you feel too shy to do even that, then that’s fine. Whether you show me or not, I still want you to schedule it. That is my request of you and my prescription this week.
Last but not least, single people, you can still have a weekly sex date as well. On next week’s episode, we’re going to talk all about how to have an amazing solo-sex date, whether you’re a man or a woman. Solo sex is also incredible, rejuvenating, life-changing medicine and is a great way to help you manifest a new partner in your life.
Once you have a few weeks where you’re consistently doing this every week, you will totally see and feel the difference. You’ll get to a place where people are literally stopping you on the street and asking you out on dates, whether you’re in a relationship or not [laughs]. Your friends will say, “What are you doing? You look really different.” I hear this all the time and that’s because you’re wearing your sexual energy. One of the best ways to cultivate it, imbibe it, and inhabit it, is to make your three-hour sex date a part of your regular repertoire.
Thank you so much for listening! If you haven’t already, subscribe, and also leave a review and send someone else the gift of a healthy libido and an off-the-charts love life by sharing this episode with them. We’ll be back next week and in the meantime, many happy orgasms.