How to Surrender and Open Sexually
What is surrender? And why is it so important in our sexual journey?
Surrender is a concept that I talk about a lot in my work. And it can seem rather ethereal or even misunderstood, so I wanted to take some time to unpack it and promote it as a revolutionary tool both sexually and spiritually.
I often say that the thing that elevates our sexual experiences, that separates the wheat from the chaff, that takes us from junk-food sex, into the transcendent, life-changing world of gourmet sex is:
So let’s use gourmet sex and junk-food sex as our entry points here.
We often think of junk-food sex as casual, even addictive sex, or sexual habits, like porn. Or, the realm of one-night stands.
We can also find junk-food caliber sex in long-term relationships, and we often do.
So it’s not about WHO we are having sex with, but HOW we are having sex.
With casual sex, the name of the game is to “keep things distant” and not get involved or attached too deeply.
In order to do this, you would consciously NOT open yourself too much.
You’d try NOT to emotionally bond with that person.
You’d place certain restrictions and boundaries on your interactions, and on your emotional self, to prevent you from becoming too bonded.
You are dipping a toe or maybe even a foot into the pool, instead of diving in with your whole body and self.
In longer term relationships, where a couple has years and decades of unresolved stuff between them, all of that residue lingers in the ethers.
It LIVES in their beds and their bodies as lumps and bumps and growths—all of the things we’ve tried to NOT look at.
But they take up space, nonetheless.
Because of all these past, unresolved hurts, of actions not forgiven, we hold ourselves back from opening too much.
Just like in a very casual situation, we might show up with our bodies, but even our bodies may not even perform for us.
They show up in truth instead.
Which means, that they aren’t open. They aren’t trusting. They don’t feel safe.
And so women’s vaginas can be tight. Having sex can be painful.
They don’t lubricate naturally. Her libido feels low.
Men might ejaculate prematurely. Or won’t achieve solid erections at all.
Because now the body has been enlisted in our barrier building.
It protects us from going too deep, from opening up again and getting too close.
From exposing ourselves.
So now let’s go to the other side of the spectrum:
In a gourmet sex situation, we show up: mind, emotions, body and spirit.
We dare to open our hearts, our minds, to trust, to be vulnerable, to LET SOMEONE IN.
The path to surrender can be a journey in itself.
To be able to get to the place where we can open ourselves up and let go, means that we have to be able to trust:
The big question I always ask when we are talking about surrender and trust is:
“If I fall, will you catch me?”
Three dimensions of surrender:
- To ourselves.
- Our partner
- And the universe at large.
If I fall, can I catch myself and put myself back together.
And in this context, if I fall, if I open myself up totally and completely and hold nothing back until I am shattered and cracked into a million pieces, can I put myself back together?
Do I trust that I have the skills to pull myself up, re-assemble, and be reborn even better?
If I fall, will YOU catch me?
Is your partner trustworthy? Are they interested on taking the journey into deep, cataclysmic, conscious, transformative sex with you? Do they welcome all the ranges of your emotional and sexual expression, and HOLD that container for you?
If I fall, do I trust that the universe will support me?
Do you trust that life has your back? Do you have a spiritual relationship with the world, with the universe, and see life as an adventure? Where you are here to learn how to love? Do you believe that things happen TO YOU? OR FOR YOU?
Like my wonderful colleague Kelly Brogan says, “the only pathology is victim consciousness”. When you have a relationship with life at large, and feel like it’s on your side, that it’s a benevolent presence, is much different than feeling like “Oh, why does this always happen to me?”
Where the spiritual and sexual come together.
The parallels between sex and spirituality are huge for me.
I always say that my two favorite things are sex and God.
Because both of them take you to glorious, other-worldly, transcendent places.
They are consciousness-altering, self-actualizing, and when you really open up to them, put you into profound bliss and ecstasy and feeling totally at one with the universe.
Deep sex IS a spiritual experience to me.
WE even use the same vocabulary talking about—or at least I do, in the way that I describe peak sexual experiences—the RAPTURE, the ecstasy, the FLOW and synergy that comes when you these high-level experiences.
The ancient knowledge and teachings about sexuality in traditions like Tantra and Taoism, talk about using our sexual energy as a springboard to enlightenment.
That this ultra-potent energy can actual fuel our spiritual journey.
And is, in fact, synonymous with it.
Let’s talk about pathways to surrender.
Some of the ones I recommend and teach are:
Yoni massage, self-pleasure and exploration, jade egg work.
All of things these things help you to remove the mystery and fear that places a wedge between your body and your self.
Your vagina truly is the gateway!
All of the negative sexual messaging we receive blocks the truth of the body—and our genitals specifically— as being portals to other dimensions of consciousness.
And a deeper understating and love of ourselves.
2. Cervical orgasms.
So this one is a Catch 22.
Or an Orgasm 22??
The more vaginal orgasms you have—G-Spot and especially cervical—you are re-wiring your nervous system for bliss, depth, transformation, adaptability, and openness as a way of life.
But… hahah you have to get there first!
All of the work I do in my salons is about clearing the pathways to pleasure.
And teaching you how to dare to open yourself. This is the true “work” to get to these orgasms.
If you build it, they will come!
I have other in-depth podcasts and videos about cervical orgasms and G-Spot orgasms you can listen to, and my Well-F**ked Woman online salon is ALL about this.
3. Daily practices that help open you.
Any kind of exercise, activity, that helps you open up and relax, and relinquish control, that SOFTENS you, and helps you find your flow, conditions you in surrender.
Yoga is a great example of this. There are actually classes you can attend in Flow Yoga, which are all about making the entire class and series of poses a dance, a flow.
Some women might find it in dance.
Or in nature.
The more you weave these things into your life, you are shifting internally.
There’s a reason why 50 Shades was what, the most popular book in the world?
Women collectively were—and are—hungry to experience this energy of opening and surrender.
This is archetypal feminine energy.
That storyline in those books and movie were exaggerations of feminine and masculine energy.
Exploring the dynamics of power and control and surrender and letting go.
Conscious BDSM is an extremely powerful way to play with these energies.
5. Moment to moment.
When I first became conscious of wanting to cultivate surrender, I used this idea as a daily mantra: to surrender.
If I found myself in a situation where things didn’t seem to be “going my way” I would tell myself to relax and open and surrender.
When I did that, I would switch out of my agitation, turn off my mind, and step aside with the little self.
So my larger, more expansive, wiser divine flow could step in.
I made “surrender” a habit and a default.
We explore surrender more deeply in this week’s all-star conversation with Selvi.
Selvi is a doctor, who evolved out of her allopathic training into the holistic world.
She took my Well-F**ked Woman Salon.
She’s made massive changes in her life, including her career, but also leaving a marriage, moving, transitioning from clitoral to vaginal orgasms, embarking on new dating life and navigated through all of it with her newly acquired ability to surrender.
KIM: Welcome, Selvi. It’s fabulous to have you!
SELVI: Thanks so much, Kim. It’s a pleasure to be here.
KIM: Let’s kick it off with what surrender means to you and whether that changed before doing the Well-F**ked Woman, as in what your perceived idea of surrender was before and after. Because many people think of surrender as being weak and submissive, but it’s much more than that. What does it mean to you now, and did that change?
SELVI: Yes, it absolutely changed, and it’s a great question. Initially, yeah, I did have that idea of surrender meaning to just give up. That opinion had changed somewhat prior to the salon, but embodying it really happened during the salon. So much changed for me. Surrender takes all of your power. It is the most powerful thing that you can do to say, “I relinquish control. I trust that there is a force greater than me that is allowing all of these things to happen. Allowing these changes to happen. Can I loosen my grip?” It was just life changing. To feel that in my body and to see it then reflecting in my environment around me and see my life starting to shift was just amazing.
KIM: I know that you have medical training. I know that you’re not practicing as a doctor per se anymore, but more in alternative health. But I think from what I know of people who come from that place, there’s so much about being in control. Do you feel like there was even more for you to work through?
SELVI: Oh my gosh, yes. You hit the nail on the head with that. To survive in medicine, you have to be in control all the time, and now I laugh, looking back. Control is such a fallacy. It’s hysterical how much is really in our control.
There was so much more to work through. The mental layer was the first piece, and then the physical layer finally started to kick in because so much was stored in my body. My body was tight all the time from all of the tension and the holding on for dear life in some semblance of looking for control, and so surrender in my body, to really be able to allow my body to start to relax and to start to open, as you say, was extremely powerful.
KIM: Sexually speaking, to open and surrender, what role did that play in your sexual unfolding? Would you say that was a necessary step in the process to deeper pleasure and orgasms?
SELVI: Definitely, yes. Sexuality was a place where I had held myself back for arguably most, if not all of my life, and I’d never really been able to relax. I’d been able to orgasm, but it would just be a quick little hit, not really anything long or extended.
Realizing that I didn’t have to rush to the finish line and I could actually relax and enjoy the process was sort of the beginning of understanding what surrender felt like in my body. Then to be able to release and to allow those orgasms to come and to feel how different the cervical orgasms and the G-spot orgasms are to clitoral orgasms—there was so much more depth, and it was just beautiful.
Even in terms of emotional release, so much is stored in the body. I can’t tell you the number of times that I would either cry or feel anger or just start laughing. [Laughs] After a good full-on cervical orgasm, I’d be giggling hysterically, and I said, “Whoa! Okay.”
KIM: That’s what I always tell people—be prepared for a storm or an avalanche or a cataclysm of pent-up emotion, and we don’t have to know what it’s about. If you’re wondering, “What was I laughing hysterically at?” Don’t know; doesn’t really matter. Or crying, shrieking, crying, grieving—all that matters is that that stuff is coming out, and we’re allowing it to.
Most women, unless they’re being educated in this in the way that I’m doing in my salons, don’t realize that’s the precipice. The price of admission to these deeper, ultra-transformative places is being able to surrender and let go.
Most people, like you said, are holding on for dear life in their lives or in their realities or in the stories that they want to tell themselves about who they are and what they do in the world. It’s only when we’re willing to toss that out into the fire and, as you say, trust that there is some higher guidance or wisdom or direction that might help us find our way into something even better.
SELVI: Yeah. For sure.
KIM: After you had a sex experience where you deeply released and had that outpouring of emotions, how would you feel afterward? Then how would that translate into your day-to-day life? Say you have a session—how do you feel right away? Then when you go out of your house or your room or whatever, out into the world, what is that like?
SELVI: I’m kind of laughing over here because it’s just such a change from what it used to be. Right afterward, I feel excited. I feel energized. I feel motivated to use that energy to go and do something, whether it’s to be creative or to go out for a walk or go out with friends or what have you. But there’s some outlet for that energy that actually comes up, which I didn’t know existed prior. That’s for sure.
Then in terms of how I take that out into the world, there’s this radiance to me now. There’s a magnetism to me that has really shifted since the salon. People are just drawn to me; things happen so much easier.
I live in New York City. Honestly, in the past week alone, there have been four guys who begged me to give them my phone number.
What would it take for me to take you out to dinner? You’re just so stunningly gorgeous.” It’s the radiance; it’s not just the physical exterior, which has just been mind-blowing to me. Every now and then I still have to stop and say, “What? He’s talking to me?” [Laughs]
KIM: [Laughs] Two things I heard you say there: One, is that it’s like the yin/yang. What I found in my deep explorations of surrender is that when I really go deeply into my yin, then I pendulum swing out into my yang, so I have these really deep surrender experiences in my sexual arena in bed. Then when I step out into the world, I am more confident, more dominant, but not in a fake way. I am just that person and have more clarity and direction in my life. It is this wonderful integration of the yin and the yang.
SELVI: That’s beautiful. Yeah, that’s exactly it.
KIM: Then the fact that you’re actually wearing this energy of what that’s done for you, that surrender; the rebirth translates into radiance and magnetism. Again, another quality of wearing this well-fucked energy is that people fall over themselves to get close to it because it’s so rare and so compelling.
SELVI: So true, yeah. One guy was riding his motorbike, and I have a thing for motorbikes, and he let me cross the street; he was coming from the opposite direction. He turned around so we were now in the same direction of the street, pulled his bike onto the curb, and begged me for my number. [Laughs] “You are a goddess. What would it take for me to take you out to dinner?” [Laughs]
KIM: Did you say yes to any of them? Out of curiosity.
SELVI: Well, I was tempted to—I mean, I was flattered—but I’m actually seeing someone, so it was really interesting to see how much more this is happening since I’ve been seeing this guy.
KIM: In terms of upping your well-fucked radiance or upping that energy and wearing even more of it.
SELVI: Yes, exactly. It’s palpable. [Laughs]
KIM: What would you say to people in terms of how to surrender? I know in the Well-F**ked Woman, that’s really the biggest theme of the salon, and that branches out into orgasms and feminine energy and different sex acts and harvesting energy. But the core theme in that salon is surrender. Sometimes that can be an amorphous concept for people.
How could you describe it more, and how do you surrender? Especially someone like you, coming from a place of feeling in hyper-control-mode—how do you do it?
SELVI: Yeah. The first thing I would say is don’t try so hard because the harder you’re trying to surrender and the more you tighten up, the less it will happen. That’s one.
The second is trusting yourself and trusting your body. Even when those intense emotions start to come up, trust that there is something on the other side of it and just allow it to happen. Breathe. Allow it to happen, and I can guarantee when you start letting go of control in that way, you’ll allow your body to start relaxing. What’s on the other side of it is so much more than anything you’re holding onto.
KIM: The price of admission for the deeper orgasms is really that willingness to let go. Because I think people start to feel that intensity of emotion come upon them, and then they back off. I don’t even know if they realize it. It might be a split second where they do it, then they just feel panic and back off, versus, as you’re saying, opening into it, breathing into it, and allowing it to come.
SELVI: Yeah. I think also just being kind to yourself, right? It’s not necessarily going to happen the first time when you sit and self-pleasure. It might take a while, and that’s okay. All of this has been ruling your life for years, so to break that is not going to necessarily happen overnight. Time and compassion go a long way.
KIM: How important would you say that surrender is in the process of becoming a Well-F**ked Woman?
SELVI: It’s everything. It’s everything. [Laughs] One hundred percent, it’s everything. The minute I let go of control and allow things to happen, they do. For me, if I start feeling into any of those old control behaviors—and they’re small things now—I’ll notice it creeping up and will just start laughing at myself. “Really? You’re going to do this better than the divine intelligence that’s designed your entire world? Good luck with that.”
KIM: [Laughs] I think you’re right. I remember when I first started exploring this concept of surrender, I worked with that consciously as a daily moment-to-moment practice. I would check myself when I found myself going into that place of hyper-control or worry or whatever, and I’d practice letting go. I think there is something to that, even around the little things. Because they’re all reverberations of that energy. All of those things add up, and then of course, doing it in bed and really practicing in bed is huge. Because whatever we do in bed magnifies everything that we do in our life.
SELVI: Yes. For sure. For me, I think there was another layer between being with myself in bed versus being with a partner after a very long time. It was just another level of safety and surrender and all of that. That’s my work right now, and it’s beautiful.
KIM: Anything you want to share about that?
SELVI: Sure. Learning to trust, I think just even trusting and feeling safe with a man, was something I’d never really experienced, and so it took a while for me to openly own that and share that with him, “Can you be patient with me? Can we go at this really slowly?” It was seeing that I could trust and allow myself to just open and take my time. There’s no rush; there’s no end point; there’s no destination in mind. Just enjoying that present moment has allowed a really beautiful unfolding to start happening.
KIM: Then what would you say about your career in terms of the waves of that energy transforming that part of your life as well?
SELVI: Oh my gosh, Kim. When I started this salon, I think that’s when my business started to open up. I do health coaching, and that’s sort of become a catch-all phrase; it’s kind of hard to describe what I do, but I work with people on their gut health. It helped to open me up to other modalities, and now I’m actually in a place where I’m channeling energy healing and things like that, because the more I surrender, the more I open; the more I allow, the more my gifts are able to come through, and I am able to help people move through not just their gut health challenges but their overall health challenges, their life challenges, at a whole different level.
Again, it’s just owning that, and allowing that to be a part of my sphere has been transformative, not just in terms of lucrative income, but in terms of feeling real purpose and deep satisfaction in what I do and knowing that what I do matters, and having people just gravitate toward me. All of a sudden, I’ll think, “You know, it would be nice to have another client,” and they just sort of drop out of the woodwork. As crazy as that might sound, it’s true. When I’m ready for them, they show up.
KIM: I like that expression and phrasing, because that’s usually what happens; people say that money falls into their lap or work falls into their lap. I say, “Well, that’s because it’s your lap that attracted it.” [Laughs] That’s where it’s at.
Tell us more about that. I talk about the connection between sex, money, creativity, and your vocation. When you’re more fully inhabited in your sexual being and your sexual self, that will then change. It’ll help to move things out of your life that you’re not in alignment with and bring things in that you are more in alignment with. That often shows up with people making career changes and an increase in financial abundance because now they’re starting to give. They’ve refined the giving of their gifts.
You were in more of the standard allopathic medical profession and then started to feel that wasn’t fully in alignment, and so you shifted. You’re still in healing and wellness, but it has a much more holistic slant to it. We might say that that’s more of your truth in expression. The universe is rewarding that by bringing you more abundance in every way.
SELVI: That’s exactly it. As I started to really embody and own more of who I am, including my sexuality, which was a hugely denied piece of myself, I fell into more alignment with myself and my truth, as you say, which is absolutely true. Rather than playing it safe, I was more willing to start taking risks, to finally say things that I hadn’t said before. Things like talking about how “True healing is possible” instead of just, “I’m going to be vanilla like everyone else out there.” No. True healing is absolutely possible. I don’t care what your diagnosis is. Making statements like that that was bold for me, but it is absolutely my truth, and I’ve seen people resonating with that and had them come to me.
This year alone, in terms of income, I have already more than doubled my income from last year, and there have been other shifts too. The monetary piece was one.
My divorce proceedings have started happening, which I’d been putting off for the longest time. I’d been separated for years, so it was over, but I was not ready to cut the cord. We sold our home that we were living in. I moved to an apartment in Manhattan, and then I started dating this year too. It’s been so much movement that’s been happening really quickly, and as you say, my juices are flowing. They’re flowing! [Laughs]
Yeah, to see all of that flowing and coming to me in flow really has been amazing. There are times when I need to stop and look back and say, “Whoa, how far have you really come?”
KIM: I love that, yeah. The proof is in the pudding, and that’s what I think the beauty of the whole principle of energy and abundance and finances is: when we’re in alignment with our truth and we’re giving to the world, the world gives back to us. The more we hone that, the more the world gives back even more. Then we just feel so much more integrated, whole, and happy, because we’re doing what we’re meant to do. We’re fulfilling our purpose in life.
SELVI: That’s exactly it. Like you said, the more I started to step into my truth, the more I was authentic; it wasn’t even so much about the money. It was just an energy exchange that felt right, and it just happens. Yeah, absolutely.
KIM: That’s part of the universe having your back too. You mentioned that earlier, and the idea that the universe is on our side. Because I think a key point in this idea of holding onto control versus releasing that in trust and surrender is believing that it’s safe and it’s okay to trust and surrender to the universe as well. The universe will support you. But I think that a caveat there is that:
The universe says, “Yeah, I’ll support you in your truth, but I won’t support you in your un-truth.”
It might seem to people that the universe at times can be cold or uncaring, but I think the universe is just giving us feedback all the time, and when we’re out of alignment, we get very strong feedback sometimes.
For me, my body will go out of alignment, and then other things can happen in my life, too, but I feel like that’s just feedback. Then the opposite feedback happens when we’re pursuing things that we’re meant to be doing. That might involve courage and risk, but we can get that from our vaginas!
One of the key hallmarks of becoming a Well-F**ked Woman, i.e., inhabiting our sexual energy, is that we start to not give a fuck what other people think of us.
That isn’t the way that we navigate in the world. We navigate from our internal compass, and a lot of that springs from our vaginas and being in touch and inhabiting our sexual energy. Then it becomes something that is just unstoppable, but also, we don’t think about it. We are now, like you say, taking a stand, making statements we wouldn’t have before. We just say them because they’re coming out of us. Our truth becomes this unstoppable force, and so do we.
SELVI: Absolutely. Absolutely. It’s true, that whole not-giving-a-fuck thing, even in terms of changing the way I dressed or those kind of things. Who gives a shit what other people think? It feels great to finally be who I really am; it just feels beyond amazing. It feels natural, and that just makes everything easier.
KIM: Is there anything else that you’d like to add that we haven’t covered or a way that you could summarize the whole process of surrender and what that ultimately led to in your life?
SELVI: I love that. I do want to just quickly mention, just in terms of my physical healing, I was diagnosed with a chronic illness 25 years ago, and I’ve been on a journey to heal my physical body. All of this work, opening more to pleasure, allowing pleasure into my life, has helped me shift that as well to the point that I’m now taking myself off medications and advocating for my own body, which has felt incredibly empowering.
All of these pieces to say, the more that you’re in alignment, the more that you check in with what’s really true for you and stand for that, the safer you feel in your own body, the safer you feel in your own life. That’s the power of surrender. Then trust is easy, because when you have safety, then it’s easy to trust.
I would say just start with baby steps. Start really small and show yourself that you can trust, and the more you do, the easier it becomes. The more you can open, the more you can allow. Then that’s where the magic starts to happen. It happens internally first, and then you see it reflected externally. If it takes a while, it’s okay.
KIM: What I also hear there is this concept of trusting ourselves and expressing our truth, and there’s a surrender inherent in that. I always like to use the phrase “loyal to our truth.” If we know it and we stand by it, again, I think that’s when the universe stands by us, but it might seem like a risk, and it might seem scary, especially if we’re going against the grain in different places. Yet I think the overarching, even more powerful force, is that loyalty to the truth and trusting that the universe will support that.
SELVI: Exactly that. It can be scary, and I get it. I mean, I faced certain things with my truth that did not resonate, that I needed to end my marriage of 16 years and didn’t really have much of a safety net. That was scary, but it wasn’t my truth anymore. Was I going to let my soul die, or was I going to finally live for me and for my truth? I made a choice to go against culture, against tradition, against all of that, and to stand for my truth. It’s not easy. I lost some people in the process, but I wouldn’t have it any other way, because my life is fucking beautiful.
KIM: [Laughs] I love it! This is fantastic. That’s a great note to end on. Thank you so much, Selvi, and I’m so happy for you and your progress because it sounds amazing. I love everything that’s been unfolding for you.
SELVI: Thank you so much, Kim, for having me and for doing the great work that you do. It’s helped me to transform my life, and I’m incredibly grateful.
All of the things we talked about with Selvi are what I teach in the Well-F**ked Woman Salon.
From activating your feminine power and magnetism, to how to have the deeper vaginal orgasms: cervical and G-Spot, how to channel your sexual energy into creative power, funneling that into everything you do, which not only makes you more attractive and magnetic, but brings you more abundance, and how to use BDSM play consciously to explore control and surrender.
All of it. It’s all in the Well fucked Woman Salon.
The salon begins today! You can signup here.
See you inside!