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Why is the sex so good at the beginning?

People always talk about how amazing the sex is in the initial stages of a relationship.

“We were doing it on kitchen counters, in the car, everywhere, all the time!”  

“The sex used to be so good. I don’t know what happened.”

At least most people say this. If you never said this, then please read this article.

And then it stops.

The sex is less frequent, less passionate.

Less good.

Then “science” pipes up to say that it’s all hormones. That it’s nature’s tricky way of trying to keep you together. After two years, all of these good feelings stop and it’s going to be humdrum for the rest of your lives.

According to “science.”


The thing is, those “measurements” (I nearly always put everything related to “science” in air quotes. Except when science says that eating ejaculate is good for you. Then I drop the air quotes), are an effect, not cause.

Meaning, it isn’t the hormones that drop off and then the relationship drops off.

Instead, it’s that the couple pulls focus.

The relationship is coasting along, and so they begin to re-prioritize their work, their friends. Maybe it’s time to have a baby.

Their attention drops off each other and then the relationship drops off and then the hormones reflect that shift.

It all starts with you.

At the beginning, the couple prioritizes the relationship and each other.

They MAKE time.

Despite having busy schedules, work, family and social commitments, they magically are able to rearrange their schedules to have sex on beaches and in airplane bathrooms.

They are conscious of wanting to put their best foot forward and bring their most positive, evolved self into the relationship.

But doesn’t everyone do that? And then the “real” you comes out?

The “better you” that came out at the beginning is still you. It’s you being on your toes, conscious and aware of what you are doing more of the time.

The less desirable parts of you that come out are simply you being undisciplined and unconscious.

Here’s the thing. You can maintain that high so long as you maintain your focus.

What is the focus?

1) Prioritizing the relationship and your time together.

This means that making time together important.

You ensure that every day, and throughout the week, you have quality time with each other.

  • Be it daily sex, or a weekly sex date
  • Time to debrief emotionally. Clear the ethers about anything that is hanging in the space between you and needs to be expressed. This may be a one-sentence request of your partner, or a 20-minute conversation.
  • Spend time doing things that you both enjoy and that are actually fun. Maybe it’s learning a new skill, or working on a project. This is how we bond further—stretching out into the unknown with new experiences. I’m pretty sure science has something to say about that too.

2) Consciously putting your best self into everything you do.

Putting your best foot forward isn’t random. It’s a choice you make in every moment to watch your thoughts, words and actions. To take the high road and make noble choices. To soften. To be the person who opens their heart first.

The moment you stop being disciplined about these things, is the moment your relationship begins to unfurl.

You can live in the space of magic in your relationship, ad infinitum. Yes, it may fluctuate in intensity as other things rise up on your priority list. But your intimate relationship, as your source of power and energy, always ought to be near the top of the list—at least in your top three.

It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around sometimes—and paradoxical—but if you put in the time there, the benefits will spill out into every part of your life—career, family, social life, finances.

It’s the same as the work hard, play hard analogy. The harder you play, the more effective you are when you come back to work.

And here, the harder (or softer) you love, the more energy you’ll bring back to your life, and the smoother everything will run.

#Things I Lift with My Vagina

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This is me in Venice Beach, with my special new surfboard carrier: my vagina.

Much love,


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