9 Qualities of a Modern Alpha Male – Transcript
I’ve forever been a champion of the re-emergence and love of all things holy, fuckable and wild:
The alpha male.
There’s been so much noise and distortion over the past decades on “toxic masculinity”.
The only thing toxic about masculinity is the absence of divine masculine energy.
REAL men are strong.
And tender.
Wild.
And caring.
Powerful.
And compassionate.
Dominant.
And create containers for safety.
The things that most people have come to associate with “masculinity” or “toxic masculinity,” such as abuses of power and strength and misdirected violence, aren’t actually alpha male characteristics.
That’s beta male behavior.
True alphas combine strength and caring.
You need to be able to defend and kill.
And you also need to be able to love and fuck-obliterate your woman. This is the balance of sexual healing and primal force.
In this interview with Ben, our Well-F**ked All Star, we also spoke last week in part 1 of our conversation, he speaks on his journey to define and embody the modern alpha male.
KIM: Okay. Talk about going from your conditioning and obviously, like having a challenging time to really occupy your masculinity in more alpha male territory. How would you describe what that is to you? Being an alpha male and adapting that energy?
Because people could ask, “Are alpha males born or made? Can every man be an alpha male?” I have an answer to that, but what would you say about that step in your journey?
BEN: Yeah, I think just because you’re born a man, that doesn’t mean you are masculine. I think masculinity, in my perspective, is something that’s earned. That rent is due every day. Masculinity and sexual mastery just only really, fully comes from a real like true dedication and commitment to it. I just don’t believe everybody is really willing to pay that price for it. I don’t think everybody is willing to be uncomfortable enough, or comfortable enough with the uncomfortable, to like get through to some of those things that separate kind of the alpha males from all the beta males.
Women Settle for Betas, But Crave Alphas
But I do feel like the energy of alpha males is really what the feminine energy craves, and they settle for like beta male energy. But I think pure feminine energy wants and needs and feels safest and happiest within an alpha male energy.
I remember one of the breakout calls, this guy was really trying hard in the polarity section of the course to like try and take a leadership role in the bedroom. It was one of the times it really hit me, the way he described things, he was a little bit like a fish out of water, like in trying some of these things. His wife just started laughing. Basically just started laughing at him.
I was kind of saddened at the emasculation that that must have felt like for him. But I also recognize kind of through his story, in a little different way, for the first time that your masculinity and your alpha male status in the bedroom isn’t earned in the bedroom. That shit’s earned outside, and you get to be that way in the bedroom. You can’t just walk into the bedroom and pretend to play this role that you’re not.
But one of my thoughts about that is it is a process, masculinity and masculine is a process of becoming, and not everyone is really willing to pay that price. Not everyone will do that.
The Price of Being Masculine
KIM: That’s the price? What do you have to pay? What’s the price of admission?
BEN: [Laughs] I mean, the short answer is you really, truly, have to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. In other words, you got to be willing to deal with your own shit. You’ve got to own and take accountability for the shit that you fuck up in life, or character traits, or whatever it is that you’ve got going on. Like the bullshit that happens to you that’s not your fault, it’s still your responsibility to deal with it.
There’s that piece of just being really like willing to go inward, look at your demons. I think another huge piece that a lot of men are unwilling to pay is the price of vulnerability, to be vulnerable.
The Tender Masculine
I think pure masculine energy is actually rather tender at times, quite tender and quite compassionate, and quite kind, and quite loving. Like so much so that some people might not even think that that’s masculine, but those dudes, I can’t tell you how many tough motorcycle guys—I love motorcycles and motorcycle adventures—and you’ll see this old guy that you would not want to meet like in an alley at night. He just is that guy and you can just feel it from him. Yet he’s the softest teddy bear to his friends or to like his granddaughter will come up.
I mean, that’s the thing, masculinity isn’t just this tough bullshit guy, like [waving fists] all the time.
So vulnerability is one of those prices that I don’t think a lot of men are willing to pay to actually be masculine. But without it, you can’t access true sexual mastery or deep intimacy. To be vulnerable, to be willing to share, to feel, to connect.
Bravado vs. Vulnerability
There’s a lot of false alpha males out there and they’re the ones that aren’t vulnerable. They just are bravado. They’re not willing to feel. They’re not willing to connect with anybody. They’re so closed off and they’re just focused maybe on physical appearance or boisterous-type behavior and attitude and they’re thinking that’s masculinity.
Yeah, two of the biggest things I think are those. One is being willing to be comfortable in the uncomfortable, which I definitely learned from the Seals. I can’t take credit for that. That’s their motto.
Then the other one is being willing to be vulnerable. Those are two of the steepest prices men have a hard time paying.
Physical Optimization
Other ones, too, like I don’t think it’s always fair and maybe not always accurate, but I think your commitment to your physical self, your commitment to your own health and wellness, both mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, like is a part of masculinity. That’s a price that similar to being comfortable in the uncomfortable, that’s a price that some people aren’t willing to pay.
They may focus on the gym, but they’ll let go of the emotional, spiritual, and mental part of their health.
Or they may be like this wonderful, spiritual yogi guy, but they couldn’t change a tire on their car or lift a bag of groceries.
The Protector Role: Physical and Emotional
I do feel like there’s a small component to masculinity that is related to how well that person can provide safety. Like physical safety for their woman, not just emotional safety. I think emotional safety is an even bigger component though and I think that’s where a lot of us fail as men, is like we don’t have that willingness to connect and/or again to be vulnerable.
So we can’t even provide safety or we’re just full of judgment instead of compassion and understanding, which I think is a huge piece of masculinity. Mature, healthy masculinity is going to have compassion and understanding in it. It’s not going to be fucking my way or the highway.
Don’t get me wrong, that person is going to lead, an alpha male is going to lead. But the real good alpha males, they’ll take information from everywhere. They’ll make a decision based on information anywhere they can get it without ego involved. They may disagree, but they’re going to listen to that information and they’re going to fucking make a decision and they’re going to do it.
To just cut people out because of judgement or to not listen to somebody, particularly a lover or spouse, that’s not masculine. That’s fucking childish bullshit.
KIM: So tell me about the leading. How does that look for a man to be in his alpha place and his masculine energy and to lead?
BEN: Yeah. I love that question. For me, the way I feel as I sit here today, because I’m sure this is an evolutionary process as we continue to learn and grow.
As I sit here today, an alpha male leads really in everything. He really walks into a room; he owns the room. It could be texting his girl and saying, “Hey, clear your schedule this weekend, I got plans for you,” and packs a bag for her, and the whole thing. It could be kind of extreme that way where he even like fucking packs her bag, but depending on that relationship, that alpha male could be like, “Hey, like I know babysitters are a problem. This is the weekend, I want to plan it. I’ve already got some plans. Can we get kids for this?”
Let’s say they’re not married, for example, and they’re just dating. “Like can you arrange that?” Maybe that guy took some steps to call her friends and make arrangements for her. Like that’s a cool step to do that.
It’s ordering food for her at a restaurant. Like you know how many guys don’t do that? Like, “What do you want, baby? What are you feeling like?” I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but in my experience, when you know your woman well enough that you can order for her, then fucking order for her. If you don’t know your woman well enough and you don’t have a connection with her well enough that you don’t feel comfortable ordering for her, then fix the fuck out of that.
“Again, alpha male leadership really can be in everything. The way it translates, and feels is this beautiful alchemy of yin and yang where she then gives all of herself to you. I think a lot of guys have this conflict with women that they’re dating or in relationships with because they’re not masculine enough.”
And so the women, unsurprisingly, are withholding and are a little edgy. Probably also under-fucked, which that’s a whole other topic, but right? Like all of this is related though. And yeah, an alpha male will lead in every single thing.
But again, I think that’s very important to say, with kindness, with compassion, with understanding. It’s direct leadership, but it’s still compassionate and it’s kind. It’s also bold and it’s also pretty unwavering because that confidence is there. It’s not cockiness, it’s confidence. It’s self-esteem. It’s that relationship with yourself that you have, like that’s why when an alpha male walks into a room, they’re not cocky, but they know they own the room. They just do. That’s their room when they’re in it. Yeah, fuck, yeah, that’s how it should be.
Keeping Your Woman Well-F**ked. Hint…Stamina
KIM: You mentioned the good fucking element, that if your woman is under-fucked, right?
BEN: Yeah. [Laughs]
KIM: So how do you [laughs]—probably obvious—but make sure that your woman is well-fucked? What does that look like to you? What are the steps to taking that as your duty as a masculine man?
BEN: I’ll tell you what, it’s a lot more than you think. Like fucking a woman to make sure they’re not under-fucked is a lot more than I think guys think. And they better fucking keep up and get their stamina up. It’s a lot more than they think.
KIM: So what is it?
BEN: What is it? Sometimes it’s two, three, four times a day. It depends like on her mood and what she needs. It’s also a form of worship and reverence towards her, which isn’t, by the way, giving up masculinity. It’s honoring femininity as an equal. That’s what it is. It is. It’s just an equal.
It’s worshipping you like she worships you. Because you stay in your masculine, she’ll worship you and adore your cock and so forth.
“So when it comes to fucking her, it should always be a, “Fuck, yes.” If she is having a bad day, you should fuck her. If she is having a great day, you should fuck her. Like you should surprise fuck her. You should do a quickie sometimes and fuck her that way. You should schedule your sex dates out and fuck her for two or three hours on a Saturday and one-and-a-half to two hours a couple other times because it’s scheduled. And you should also fuck her the same morning. Just surprise her. Like, “I know we got a date later, but I really need to fuck you right now.” Or “It looks like you need to be fucked.” Bend over. Pin her against the wall. Just fucking fuck her. Get on your knees and eat her out. Whatever it is that you’re feeling from her energetic connection.”
Again, if you don’t have that connection, what the fuck are you doing? Fix that. But if you have that connection with her, read it, feel it, fuck her. Always fuck her. Always. It’s a lot. So giddyap and buckle up. And don’t forget to work on orgasm control.
Making Excuses and Quitting vs. Rising to the Challenge
KIM: I love it. What else would you add to the list of keeping that masculine alpha male energy going? What else is important? The price of admission?
BEN: A lot of determination and grit. Masculine energy feels like this strong base that can hold someone else, hold space for someone, hold energy. It’s just strong.
So like when things are hard, when things are tough, people have to just stop making—men have to stop making excuses. They just do. They have to stop lying to themselves with justification as to why they don’t have to keep going or none of that bullshit.
That’s a very difficult price to pay in a culture and a society that I think is pretty worldwide, I think it’s a fucking pandemic. You have men that are just willing to quit. It’s just hard. It’s a hard conversation. Don’t want to have it.
It’s like I’m going to go run five miles today and three miles in, you’re like, “It’s really hot.” I live in Arizona. It’s really hot. Okay, but you said you were going to run five miles. Now you’ve got an integrity issue, and you got a quitter attitude. You’re just chipping away at your masculinity.
So you’re going to show back up at home having run shorter than you said you were going to, and your woman is going to think you’re a weak-ass punk.
KIM: And you will, too. You will, too.
BEN: Yeah.
KIM: Even though you’re making the choice.
BEN: Yes. Yes.
KIM: You’re going to internalize that as your own self-image.
Paying the Price Feels Good
BEN: And the truth is, that’s more important, right? Your view of yourself is actually more important than anybody else’s view, including your partner.
But yeah, so people, they just rob from their own masculinity all the time. This way of just not having enough, and they’ll quit. Not having enough grit or having enough determination or having enough commitment. Not even really understanding what commitment is.
I think that’s a huge price that people aren’t paying. And by the way, it feels fucking good to pay that price. That’s the other thing, if people would just actually try it on and just try living this way, like do a fucking experiment, give yourself a week of not quitting a single thing, and see how that feels. I guarantee you it feels better than all the other times that you had better fucking bullshit excuses.
Integrity: The Most Important Quality of an Alpha Male
KIM: And you said integrity in there as well, which is one of my favorite words in the English language.
BEN: Mine, too. Mine, too.
KIM: So what does that mean then? Because you’ve not kept your word to yourself. Tell me more about the importance of integrity as a man.
BEN: Yeah, integrity is huge. It’s obviously going to affect your relationship with your partner, but more importantly, just focusing on yourself as a man and this whole masculinity concept we’re talking about today, your word means everything. Integrity, like the basic, like basic definition, of doing what you’re going to say—do what you say you’re going to do even if no one’s watching.
Okay, great, but like it’s so much deeper than that. But even that is a hang up for most people. Like they can’t even get beyond that. But there’s so much more to integrity, in my opinion.
How about that implied integrity where like you never said you would, but you know you should. Are you honoring that?
Yeah, so if you’re going to not keep your integrity, because sometimes—like here’s a good example. You can say, “Hey, baby, I’m going to be home at 7 tonight.” Let’s say it’s 6:45 and you’re still 30 minutes away. A person with integrity would, soon as they know that they’re not able to keep their word, then they would inform the other person.
For me, it’s often like a court scenario. I don’t have control over that as an attorney, like what the courts are doing sometimes, and I can just get stuck. But as soon as I know that I can’t keep my word, that I won’t be able to be there at 7, then to keep your integrity, that in that moment, not when you feel like it, but in that moment, you acknowledge the other person and say, “Hey, I’m not able to keep my word right here with this.”
But you can keep your integrity by making that kind of a phone call and pairing it with a conversation of, “I’m really sorry, baby. What can I do to clean up anything that this might have impacted in your life?” Because then with that kind of a relationship and foundation integrity, then your lover at this point, or your partner, will be able to go, “Oh, like if he says 7, he fucking means 7.” So she can start planning, like, “Okay, I’m going to leave at 7:05 to go for a run,” because he’ll be here for the kids.
But if you don’t have that kind of trust because integrity isn’t there, like your whole relationship has this ceiling on it in terms of capacity with each other and what you’re capable of feeling for each other, the connection you feel for each other, what you’re capable of doing out in the world, all limited just because one person doesn’t keep their integrity.
Yeah. I mean, you might sometimes not be able to keep your word. That’s the real life sometimes for people. You might not be able to keep your word, but you can keep your integrity by like offering to acknowledge it right in the moment and what can you do to clean it up?
Now, if it’s your own fault, you’re not paying attention to the time, and you’re that kind of a dick, and you’re like, “Oh, yeah, I’m not going to be there on time.” Well, thank you for calling, that’s not better than not mentioning anything and just showing up at 7:30. Who the fuck does that and feels like they got any kind of honor inside of them? Like no one, really. They’re just going to chip away at their own relationship with themselves again and that’s going to affect their sexual relationship.
But in the case where it’s not your fault, like you still need to honor it and try to fix it. If it is your fault, you still need to honor it and fix it. Like, “I’m sorry. I fucked up. I didn’t pay attention to the time. I got wrapped up in this project. But I want to keep my integrity with you so I’m sorry I can’t keep my word right now in this moment because I didn’t pay attention to the time. But baby, how can I clean this up for you? Is there anything that I can do that you need right now that will help you to keep your schedule?”
99% of the time, if it’s only like a few minutes late, for example, “No, it’s no big deal. I’ll see you when you get here, baby. Great.”
But that’s even more important. Even more important. You’re three minutes late and you’re going to call as soon as you know you’re going to be three minutes late.
Imagine the relationship where somebody treated you that way where like you just knew what they fucking said they were going to do, and even beyond that. They might have an idea of what you need or what they’re supposed to do, and they’re going to honor that, too, without having said that they’re going to. They’re just going to do it because they’re a man of integrity.
That’s the masculine energy approach I think that a lot of people are missing out on, too; that’s too high-priced to pay. Keeping their integrity, that’s hard. It shouldn’t be. I think it’s harder not to.
KIM: I think the long-term cost of it is much harder.
BEN: Yep. Yep.
Discipline, Respect, and the Alpha Male
KIM: It’s a discipline. What else do you think it requires to do that though in the moment?
BEN: I think it takes respect for yourself and the person that you’re interacting with. In fact, almost always a breach of integrity is one of the most disrespectful things you can demonstrate to somebody else. It just sucks. Like they may only feel it a little bit, but those little bits are going to stack on top of each other and they’re going to have this underlying feeling of like, “I’m disrespected. I’m not that important.”
We all have had family gatherings probably where that one brother or that one sister is like an hour late and everybody is waiting to eat dinner until they get there. They really have no reason. They literally just took their time to come. That sucks. Like really?
But in a relationship where you’re trying to build this beautiful life together and have these amazing, transformative, sexual experiences, like for fuck sake, keep your integrity, because you’re just chipping away at it each time. You’re chipping away at that relationship each time.
KIM: Yeah.
BEN: Sorry, I get really passionate about some of this stuff.
Humility: The Unsung Price of Masculinity
KIM: I love it. I love it. Is there anything else you want to add to that list of things for alpha masculine energy? The prices of admission, yeah.
BEN: The prices of admission. I think another one that’s hard is humility. I think a lot of people struggle with that. I think people have a hard time—men who kind of project what they think an alpha male is on to somebody and what the standard is. They don’t recognize humility as being one of those key ingredients, or a price of admission.
It’s hard. It’s just hard for people in general but I think for men to actually be humble, recognize their weaknesses, recognize their strengths, recognize where they can improve. It’s similar to vulnerability but it’s different. Humility is just different.
There’s a little bit of probably personal and spiritual growth there that not everybody is willing to pay the price to get to have some of those character traits so that they can round out their masculinity into this full, embodied, mature masculinity.
It’s kind of like one of those diagrams that looks like a splotch, like they might stretch big in this area, they might have a really good chunk of this masculinity kind of nailed down, but they might be super weak over here because they’re not going to pay that price.
Yeah, humility is one I think is really hard for people. That’s another one.
I mean, there’s kind of a lot. It’s a big topic. Love it, though. It’s a good topic.
KIM: Yeah, it’s one of my favorite topics.
BEN: Yeah, mine, too. [Laughs] For sure. What else? What else do you want to know? I’m yours right now.
KIM: I think that’s a really good summary of all of the—like I really love this conversation about the masculine and these qualities because that’s such gold to really consider, to focus on. What would be your parting words to people?
Trust the Process and Own Your Growth
BEN: All right. I would say trust the process. Don’t give up. I would say have patience with some of the things that might feel hard or impossible. To stick with it.
I would also say find that space where you can just like not get enough of this kind of work. Like just love it and eat it up so that you can actually enjoy the transformations that come from doing this kind of work.
To the men, I would say stop making excuses. Stop lying to yourself as to who you are not and who you are. Make the changes necessary so that you could actually have the sex that your soul craves. Make the changes necessary so that your lover can have the sex that her soul craves.
Lean into that kind of joy. Go through the uncomfortable. Clear the glass. Do what you need to do. Own your shit. Actually start living life.
One of my biggest, like personal mantras is to live free. Like just live free. Like the only prison most of us will ever see is the ones we put ourselves in. Stop that shit. Break down old barriers, clear out old stories, heal from old wounds. Do the work so that you can live free. Yeah, and enjoy just fucking gourmet, wild, mind-blowing sex, because that’s awesome and you can never have enough of that. I guarantee your woman won’t be able to have enough of it.
I guess that’s what I have to say.
KIM: Amazing. Amazing. Thank you so much, Ben.
BEN: You’re welcome. You’re welcome. It’s a pleasure.
***
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