The Awakened Vagina: From Numb to Come – Episode Transcript
I’ve often said that most women’s vaginas are numb.
They have no idea how much pleasure their vaginas are actually meant to give them.
What’s a high-functioning vagina?
- Acts as a compass in your life, guiding you toward pleasure and aligned choices
- Wants sex all the time.
- Bursting with bliss
- Gives you life-changing cervical, G-Spot and squirting orgasms
- Ejaculates across the room
- Is supremely articulate and can give vaginal hand jobs
- Is strong, supple and lifted, pulling up all your organs and even your breasts and face, creating an entire energetic lift in the body
- Can shoot ping pong balls
- Makes a man forget his name
An under-functioning vagina
- Leaks urine and energy
- Falls out
- Prefers clitoral orgasms because it avoids penetration because it can’t feel much
- Leads you astray with bad choices
So how DO we wake up a vagina?
In a few minutes you’ll hear from our Well-F**ked All Star Alexis, who went from numb to come and she’ll share how SHE did it.
Here are five main tools I recommend, that she used to go From Numb to Come:
From Numb to Come:
Tip #1 – Yoni massage and reconnaissance
Get to know thyself. Spend time with your vagina and explore every nook and cranny of it.
From Numb to Come:
Tip #2 – Exercise with the jade yoni egg
Just like any other part of your body, your vagina needs exercise.
Misguided and sexually inexperienced OBGYNs have recommended useless Kegels for decades.
That’s why we have a 60% incontinence rate.
And other people suggest “wearing a jade egg” around the house, doing yoga and going shopping with it. Or to sleep with it.
This is also useless. In order to actually build strength and articulation, you need a dedicated kegel exercise routine with a yoni egg.
Sets! Reps!
It’s the ONLY way to build strength.
Plus, a yoni egg practice—at least the way I teach it—is a mind-body-spirit reconnection to the sexual self.
Via the vagina.
We blast through the layers of dissociated weakness and the power and awareness you build flows out from your vagina into every element of your life.
From Numb to Come:
Tip #3 – Daily Sex
Pleasure begets pleasure.
Having consistent sex dates whether with yourself and/or your partner keeps your bliss engine going.
Stagnant sexual energy is responsible for ALL reproductive aliments.
Yes, I said it and I 100% stand by it.
We’ve had scores of people heal all kinds of sexual maladies just through getting their sexual energy in motion.
When your vagina is full of pleasure, it acts as its meant to, which is as a 4th brain, a compass of ecstasy, guiding you into more pleasure and healthy choices in your life.
From Numb to Come:
Tip #4 – Toss the lubes
To wake up the vagina, you need to re-establish your relationship.
Honor and listen to what your vagina has to say.
Contrary to popular and shitty advice out there, a girl’s best friend is NOT lube.
It’s actually one of her worst enemies.
It encourages a woman to consistently ignore and override the voice of her vagina.
Wet = turned on and please enter me.
Not wet = not turned on yet. It doesn’t mean “Let’s get the lube”.
ALL women are capable of lubricating naturally at any age and stage of their lives.
It’s the Anami Guarantee.
When you learn to tune into your vagina, you’ll find she has a lot to say.
The things that make her wet or keep her dry might tell you a lot about what’s going on in your life and truth of what—and who—really turns you on.
From Numb to Come:
Tip #5 – Be selective about what goes inside
Your vagina is the ultimate receptacle.
Its purpose is to receive.
So what are you feeding it?
Love, nourishment, respect, integrity and healthy choices?
This includes the humans you let into your sacred space.
Are they imprinting adoration in your tissues, or regret and disgust?
Are you using cheap, plastic, carcinogenic dildos?
Or gorgeous work of art, a la body-safe Anami Alchemia couture dildos?
Are you using toxic, bleached tampons?
Or do you let your flow happen unhindered, or at the very least, use clean and organic materials?
Are you stuffing a bunch of hormone blockers into your uterus and vagina—because yes, this is what hormonal birth control does—or metal contraptions?
Or are you learning the rhythms of your body and observing when you are able to conceive—and when you aren’t?
If you pelt it with abuse and toxins, your vagina will shut down and go numb.
If you love and honor her and treat her like a queen, she’ll wake up.
The power is in your hands. And vagina!
**
In today’s all star interview, we’re speaking with Alexis and how she went from numb to come.
Alexis went on an Anami marathon last year.
She started with Vaginal Kung Fu last year, and she and her partner ended up taking all of the salons: Coming Together, WFW and SMM.
She says:
“Before this work, we were having sex about 4 times a week but it was wholly junk food sex. He would penetrate me for 5-7 mins until he came and then we would get out the vibrator and I would have a clitoral orgasm 3 mins later and we’d pass out.
Now we have had sex 2-5 times a day for the past 87 days and have a “sex every day” pact for 180 days.
I had never had any kind of orgasm besides clitoral. I now have gushing G-spot, squirting and cervical orgasms just from us kissing. During penetrative sex I’m having at least 5+ vaginal orgasms per session.
Alexis All Star Interview
KIM: Hello, Alexis. Awesome to see you.
ALEXIS: Hey, Kim. So excited to be here.
KIM: You have so many amazing stories to share. I am delighted to be able to have people experience them. You’ve been on an Anami extended sex date for a year.
ALEXIS: Yeah. We did all the salons this year.
KIM: So all in 2023?
ALEXIS: Yes. All in 2023 has been the whole thing. There was a point probably back in April when we decided to make a six-month sex pact that ended eight days ago. [Laughs]
KIM: How did you do?
ALEXIS: We got to 160 days and then everybody got sick, and we had a two-, three-day lapse, and then we picked it back up. Yeah, 160 days straight.
KIM: That is amazing. Despite having three children, you managed to commit to sex at least every day for 160 days, and then the typhoon came through, and then you got back up on that bed. Amazing.
ALEXIS: Yeah. And sports and homeschooling and stuff. It was fun during the summer, then fall came and it took a concerted effort, but it was totally worth it.
KIM: Everybody is back indoors?
ALEXIS: Yeah. [Laughs]
KIM: What did you notice in your relationship? You’ve done not only this 160-day stretch commitment but the whole year. We run salons 34 to 36 weeks of the year, so you’ve been on a full Anami journey the entire year. How would you contrast your relationship before this year with the one you have coming to the end of this year?
ALEXIS: Oh my gosh. It’s crazy because, especially based on what’s expected in society, our relationship would’ve been considered better than most. We spent a lot of time together; we were having sex [laughs] three to four times a week. Definitely junk food sex.
KIM: Well, what is junk food sex to you? How would you describe that?
ALEXIS: We would go through our whole day with the kids and then we would hang out and watch shows together for two hours, and then right before we passed out, we’d say, “Oh, we have to get this in.” So we’d have penetrative sex for a little bit, seven minutes, and then afterward, we’d take out the vibrator, I’d have a clitoral orgasm, and we would pass out. That’s what we did before.
Honestly, I think about it now and it’s almost embarrassing with how far we’ve come to think about what we thought was okay before. The relationship is just so much deeper. We’re so much more connected. It was always what I wanted, but everybody said, “Oh, you’re asking for too much; that’s not possible. You should be happy with what you have.”
When we got to Couples Coming Together, I said, “Everybody can bite me. I was right. This is magical. This is amazing.” And it really is. The sex that we’re having is so deep and profound. The conversations we’re having and the honesty and the clarity. I thought before that we were good. I thought we were doing okay. But everything between us now is so deep and intense. Thank God we didn’t go on like that forever.
KIM: Right. What was your own journey with your vagina through all of this?
ALEXIS: Oh my gosh. It was really interesting for me because when I was younger and when I first started having sex and exploring stuff, I said, “This is the best healing thing ever. This is amazing! This is phenomenal.”
KIM: Everyone’s got to get one of these now! It’s amazing.
ALEXIS: Right. “Why does anybody do anything else with their life?” [Laughs] I had phenomenal sensation and everything was great. I don’t think I had vaginal orgasms, but I had greatness. It was awesome. A few years after I was sexually active, I went completely numb. At first, I thought everybody else was the problem. “Wow, guys in their twenties really drop off. [Laughs] They really don’t know what they’re doing anymore.”
Then it kept going on and on and I was really, really numb for probably about 12 years up until joining VKF, to the point where if I was on top, I couldn’t feel anything. It happened even before I started having kids, so I couldn’t use that as an excuse. I didn’t know what was going on. I had been to pelvic floor therapists; I’d been to urologists. I had midwives and OBs. Everybody had been up in my business and said, “Your muscles and your control are fine. Nothing is wrong.” I did the Perifit stuff, and all the feedback was, “You’re so strong.” “Then why don’t I feel anything?”
KIM: Your main complaint was that you just didn’t feel anything anymore? You did and then you didn’t?
ALEXIS: Yeah.
KIM: Can you associate that with anything that happened?
ALEXIS: Yes. I didn’t fully realize what had happened until I was in VKF and doing the Healing Growths meditation. Which is interesting because I don’t have growths. But I said, “I’m going to do all of it. I’m taking all of this in, so I’m just going to try this.” When I was doing that meditation with the jade egg, I was getting imagery of what was happening especially when I first started having sex. I was not in any deep, profound relationships at first. There was a lot of casual sex.
Then I got into a toxic relationship that was really sexually charged, and when we split up was pretty much when I went numb. The first person I slept with after that ended up being a very long-term, unhealthy relationship. Looking back, I know my vagina was trying to tell me. Because the first time I had sex with him was the first time I ever felt pain during sex in my whole life. I said, “I don’t know what this is. This is crazy. Something is wrong.”
When I was doing the meditation, I was getting all this imagery of people who I had been with that I had never had a second thought about.
I kind of concluded it was an energetic STD.
I had picked up stuff from all these people and all this accumulated shitty energy was just hanging out in there. And it turned into numbness mixed with a lot of disassociation.
KIM: That’s such a great way to put it, an energetic STD, and it really speaks the truth to a concept that I think most people aren’t really willing to acknowledge, which is the impact that having sex with anyone has on our physical body, our emotional body, our energetic body, and the deep level of exchange that’s happening that we discount. There’s such a minimization of what the impact of sex really is. Casual sex is celebrated. And this isn’t a moral judgment. It’s just that there’s such a dismissal of any kind of potency and exchange imprinting that can happen from this. We act like it’s nothing. Like there’s no reservoir, nothing, no effect whatsoever.
Except that if we’re really honest about it, like you’re being right now, you see that there was this residue that was left behind after not truly honoring yourself in full truth and integrity and the impact that that has on our bodies.
ALEXIS: Yeah. It was crazy for me because during VKF I had to admit to myself that, okay, maybe that wasn’t the best way of doing things. Because I went through my whole life knowing I had that era and saying, “Oh, it’s fine, whatever; everybody was doing it. It’s not a big deal. It’s totally fine.” I never judged myself about it. I never thought anything of it until that came up and I had to really sit down with myself and say, “I was choosing not to honor myself. I wasn’t respecting my yoni and my sexual energy the way I should’ve.” I had a little apology ceremony with my yoni [laughs] to say, “My bad. I’m sorry. We shouldn’t have done this, and we’re not going to be doing this going forward.”
When I started VKF, my third baby was a little bit over one year old. They had diagnosed me with a grade 1 prolapse. In VKF, I realized I actually never had a prolapse. It wasn’t actually there. I had picked up the story that I had it because I was three-weeks postpartum when they checked me. It was an 11-pound baby. Things were all moved around, and I never got looked at after that. I just kind of picked up the story of, “Oh my gosh, I have this prolapse. My vagina is broken.” [Laughs]
There was this lady I followed who was a prolapse coach and she said, “Yeah, don’t look at it, don’t go in there and do stuff because it’s just going to make it worse.” So I hadn’t looked at my vagina in at least a year before VKF. I hadn’t looked at it, hadn’t explored things. There was such a detachment there and so many stories that I had picked up from that.
KIM: I don’t know how much self-pleasuring or yoni massage you did or how well you really knew your yoni before VFK. How well did you know it before going into VKF?
ALEXIS: Not as well as I thought I did. Because when I was younger, I looked at it and explored around. I was really curious about it. I knew I had a G-spot. I knew where it was. But I had never had anything happen from it.
But prior to joining VKF, it had been at least a year since I had really touched or explored anything at all. Because I was just so worried that I was going to feel something, it was going to be a prolapse, and then I was going to spiral into this whole thing.
Yeah, the jade egg work was outrageously eye opening. I had done all these things and people said, “Yeah, your strength is fine, your muscle tone is fine.” And I said, “Yeah, but something is wrong.” And then I did the first jade egg work exercise, and I said, “Oh. These two spots in my vagina are really strong, and the rest of it is atrophied.” It was like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill trying to get her toe to wiggle when she comes out of the coma. Just move, just squeeze it. Full focus.
I had fully atrophied spots, and it wasn’t until I had done the jade egg practice that I could identify where those were and work on those and Uma Thurman my way through it. [Laughs]
KIM: So the combination of physical practices. You also referenced a guided visualization that we do, and there are a lot of those in VKF. And then recognizing that you may not have always been fully honoring of your yoni and realizing that you had a no when you said yes. Describe the process of awakening. How did things begin to change?
ALEXIS: At first in the course, I wasn’t doing self-pleasuring. I was just doing the yoni massage. That was so eye opening because I would touch a certain spot, and I’d feel it in my back. Or I’d touch another spot and I’d feel it somewhere else in my body. I’d say, “How is this even happening right now?” And I got really curious about that.
I would do yoni massage every day and the intention wasn’t for it to be pleasurable; it was just to really get in there. I’d see how all the different pieces felt and wake things up.
KIM: The difference between yoni massage and self-pleasuring is that with yoni massage, there’s more of a reconnaissance, let’s get to know you, and there’s not necessarily “the goal” of orgasm. I mean, if pleasure happens, great, but you’re really there to get to know things. Is there anything else you would say about that?
ALEXIS: I think that’s kind of how I would distinguish the difference too. I think I was kind of worried for a little bit. “What if I do try self-pleasuring and then it doesn’t feel great?” Then I’d kind of spiral. I clit-fasted in VKF. I was determined. I did all the things. Everything that came up, I said, “I’m going to do that. I’m going to get there.”
KIM: What’s a clit-fast? For those who don’t know.
ALEXIS: It is no clitoral orgasms until the vaginal orgasms happen.
KIM: Why would we do that?
ALEXIS: To help rewire things and not have those orgasms be the default. I thought clitoral orgasms were awesome. [Laughs] I thought they were great. There were times when I was doing the clit-fast and thought I was going to lose my mind. I did it for most of VKF. Probably from the second week all the way through.
But in the end it turned out to be completely worth it. I’ve always had a really high sex drive. Like I said, when I was younger, I thought, “This is awesome. I love this.” And I always wanted to get back to that.
I had been following you for three years before I finally joined VKF. I think I had finally gotten to a point where I was balls-to-the-wall determined to get that sensation back. Because it didn’t matter how many times I had sex, something was missing, and I knew it on an intuitive level and just couldn’t stand it anymore. I just really wanted to put that puzzle together.
I was doing mostly yoni massage. I was doing the jade egg work every day, which I got really into because I love working out. I’ve been working out consistently for a long time, so I treated that the same way as going to the gym.
I got really into it. I even emailed one time to ask, “Can we do this more than once a day? [Laughs] Can we up this to two to three times a day?” Because it was really eye opening for me. I work so hard to make the whole rest of my body strong, and I had just let this crucial part of me atrophy.
I really wanted to prioritize that, and I wanted to take my power back from the prolapse diagnosis because it made me feel weak and broken and like something was wrong. The jade yoni egg helped me get that power back and feel like I was more in control of the situation.
KIM: Tell me about your orgasmic evolution. You went through this clit-fast to put your attention and focus on your vagina and what happened?
ALEXIS: Oh my gosh. [Laughs] I went through all of VKF, and I started getting my sensation back. I was definitely embodying my sexuality more, following all the principles, always wearing dresses, and doing all these things. It gave me an extra boost to want more out of the sex sessions that we were having and not push for it but work my way to it.
While that was happening, I started getting more sensation and I started finding tricks that made it so that I could focus more. Because I had to completely re-associate with my vagina. I had to stop clenching the whole time, and I had to make sure I could focus. I realized that if I’m looking at what’s going on, I’m really focused, and the sensation goes up. Or if there’s certain music playing, I can stay really in the zone and the sensation goes up.
I found all these little tricks to help me stay really focused during sex, and the sensation just started going up crazy. Then it started spreading through my body. At first it was just in my vagina, and then I started being able to feel the sensation through my body when we were having sex.
One of my biggest wins was that I fell in love with being on top. That had been my number one most-hated position for over a decade. In other positions, I was pretty numb, but I could feel something. But if I was on top, there might as well have been nothing there. All sensation was gone.
It’s crazy because now if we want me to come, if we want me to have a G-Spot orgasm really fast, I just get on top, because that’s how it’s going to happen. [Laughs] That’s how we’re going to knock that first one out really quick and keep moving with it because it’s just a tsunami.
It was funny because I was only a week out from VKF when I had my first G-spot squirting orgasm. I had six in a row in 20 minutes. The first one happened, and we said, “Was that what we think?” And then the second one happened, and it was like, “Oh yeah, this is going,” and by the last one, it was a fireworks grand finale; she was showing off at that point. [Laughs] “Look what I can do!” It was decades of backed-up things just coming out.
It’s progressed so much since then. At first, I could have G-spot squirting orgasms with toys or a hand. Then, thank the gods, my husband has a G-spot cock, which we found out in CCT. Such an amazing blessing.
KIM: A G-spot cock. Do you want to define that for everyone?
ALEXIS: Yes. If we were to look up the toy that you sell for G-spot orgasms, that’s what my husband’s cock looks like. [Laughs] It’s got that good curve going on. And the more we were doing the work, the more it curved. It was like he was looking for it. [Laughs]
KIM: That’s amazing.
ALEXIS: Yeah. My yoni and his lingam were kind of doing their own thing, reshaping to each other.
So then I could have it during intercourse, and it would take a little bit, and it would be kind of rare. Then I could have it during intercourse nonstop, every time, at least six G-spot squirting orgasms nonstop. And then we got to the point where we were just kissing one day and I had a huge G-spot squirting orgasm, fully clothed. Now we’ve done that four or five times. Not on purpose, it’s just that everything is just so great and we start kissing and it’s just a flood. [Laughs] So she’s definitely woken up.
KIM: That’s amazing. It sounds like the clit fast paid off.
ALEXIS: Oh yeah. Hands down. What’s crazy now, too, is having done the clit-fast, I hadn’t had a clitoral orgasm for a while and now it’s probably about 70/30; if there is clitoral stimulation, my body will actually have a G-spot orgasm instead even from strictly clitoral stimulation. Not that I can’t have clitoral orgasms anymore; I have those too. But I think that’s my body’s preferred method, the G-spot orgasm. Because once that Pandora’s Box was unlocked, it just kind of went a little wild. [Laughs]
KIM: I love that. And I think once your body and your brain recognize that new neural pathway and how much bigger and wilder and wiser it is, then even if you’re touching your clitoris, it’s like, “Let’s head over this way instead and use this outlet because we know it’s better for the whole system.”
What about your cervical orgasms?
ALEXIS: So the cervical orgasms were really interesting at first because we thought, “Doggie style is supposed to be really good for it, so we’ll try this, we’ll try that.” And it ended up happening completely unintentionally in what you would think is the most boring position ever. We were just in missionary, and nothing crazy was happening. It was slow, but it was so intense. Everything between us was so intense and intimate. It hit me out of nowhere.
Up until then, I’d said, “I’m having different types of orgasms. Is one of these cervical? I’m not sure.”
And then the cervical happened and I said, “Oh.”
It was like an exorcism.
I feel something leave that’s not supposed to be there. Something that I needed to let go of.
[Laughs] “This is definitely it. This is definitely a whole different energetic experience.” I felt like something was leaving my body. That’s kind of how it feels with me when I have the cervical. It’s this overwhelming spread of energy and emotion and then I feel something leave that’s not supposed to be there. Something that I needed to let go of.
But after we had done it a few times, my body said, “Okay, now we’re ready for the more intense stuff.” You talk about doggie style and just the really rough intensity of it, and that’s when my body prefers to roll with the cervical orgasms now. Maybe that’s just what it needs to get out whatever it’s getting out right now.
KIM: I laugh sometimes. There are other sexual positions besides doggie style? Why would you—
ALEXIS: Why would you choose to do that? [Laughs]
KIM: All right. So your vagina is waking up. You’re having all these amazing orgasms. You’re feeling so much more. How is that changing you as a person? As a woman? What are you noticing shifting in you that you would connect to that?
ALEXIS: Vulnerability had always been a big issue for me. When I say issue, I mean it was something I’d done courses on. I’d read books, done breathwork sessions. I had worked on this for years prior to joining any of the salons.
Once I realized the only way I was going to get to the orgasms was to really strip things away and really get out there and let the emotions flow, I bit the bullet and I did it. It used to make me so uncomfortable, being around emotions, expressing emotions. It’s such a weird thing because I’m such an emotional person.
But we have our conditioning and all the things that we go through. I always joke with my husband, “I just needed the right carrot dangled in front of me.” Cervical orgasms are how you get there.
I’ve definitely been way more open with everybody in my life emotionally, and I’m able to go way deeper emotionally with everybody.
My five-year-old son, we were driving in the car one day and he said, “You helped put my heart back together.”
It was just so obvious that the kids were feeling the reverberation of everything that we were doing.
And it was just so random; it just came out of nowhere. It was one of the two times that he said something while we were doing this work, and it was just so obvious that the kids were feeling the reverberation of everything that we were doing.
Outside of that, the reason I actually found you wasn’t because I was looking for a sex coach. It was in a different course, and people were talking about trying to embody certain characteristics, and they said, “Yeah, well, follow somebody who embodies those characteristics.” And somebody else said, “Yeah, I just want to not give a fuck what anybody thinks about anything.” Then the other person said, “You should follow Kim.” [Laughs] And that was actually how I found you.
And it’s crazy now because I say that I live what could be considered an unconventional lifestyle. On the surface, polarity-wise, he’s always really taking care of us. I’ve always done more of the domestic things. I homeschool my kids. All those things.
People have always thought we’re weird for the life we live, and I always wanted to say, “I don’t care; it doesn’t bother me.” I’ve really gotten to this point now where I don’t care, and it doesn’t bother me. I used to worry about if people were thinking our kids were weird. Now I say, “Our kids are just awake.” [Laughs] There’s nothing wrong with that.
I definitely give a million percent less fucks than I gave before.
I mean, even the going braless thing was huge. I am a 40E or something like that. I don’t know, because I haven’t worn a bra since January.
[Laughs] But it was huge for me. I breastfed all three of my kids and just being able to do that, being comfortable, being in public while doing that, I had to reach a new level of really not caring what people think. Because it was very obvious. It’s not some covert thing. The ladies are there.
Yeah, that was huge for me. It’s affected all areas, but I think especially the not caring what people think. I think a big part of that, too, is the depths that my relationship has been able to go to, my marriage, because you talk about how the greatest gift is to see somebody and be seen.
Really being able to get to that point gives you security—it’s a solidity, where other things and other people don’t matter as much. It’s definitely affected a lot of areas of my life.
KIM: I have to backtrack for a moment. When you talked about going braless and having a substantial chest, what’s that like for you? Are you just fully oblivious? What’s going on for you and that not-give-a-f**k energy?
ALEXIS: Oh my gosh, yeah. The first time I went to the store like that, I thought, “Oh my God, everybody is looking at me. Everybody can see my nipples. They think I’m a crazy person. This is terrible.” I pushed through it, and I was in my head about it for a while and then all of a sudden, one day, I didn’t even think about it anymore. It doesn’t even cross my mind.
There are sometimes certain things I do in the gym where I have to put on a sports bra, but I even try to work my way around that. Because as soon as I put on a tight tank top, my whole body says, “Get this thing off me. This is terrible. Why are we doing this?” [Laughs]
I went on a work trip with my husband back in June, and I got these really nice dresses for it. We were going to be around colleagues, and I said, “I should probably try to put on a bra for this.” At that point, I had been three months braless. I put a bra on to try on one of my dresses, and I said, “We’re not doing this.” Nipples happen. That’s it. That’s life.
I was always happy I had larger breasts. I didn’t have a bad relationship with them, but I was insecure about having had all these kids and breastfeeding them and then not being 17 anymore. I had so many insecurities around that. That was probably one of my biggest holdups about not wearing a bra—people are going to see natural breasts in the wild and they’re going to know I’m not this perfect plastic thing.
And now I know that’s so ridiculous. I’m almost 33. I have three kids. And my breasts are great the way they are. Before joining the Anami stuff, I had planned to get a breast lift and a tummy tuck. That was 100% on my to-do list. I had a savings account for it, the whole thing.
And by the time I was done with VKF, I said, “Nobody’s touching my breasts. Absolutely not.” By the time I was halfway through CCT, even the tummy tuck thing was ridiculous to me. And I had been insecure about that my whole life.
Now, just the idea of having somebody cut into me at all—I’d have to disconnect from my body. I’ve done all this work to reconnect and build this really great relationship with my breasts and my vagina and my body. And I feel like in order to do something like that, I’d have to be so disconnected, and I don’t ever want to be like that again.
KIM: I love that. How about your relationship itself? What were the changes in that?
ALEXIS: Well, we don’t watch TV anymore. There is that. It was funny, because it wasn’t even intentional. We were doing Couples Coming Together, and we were just doing the work and one day we said, “We haven’t watched TV in two months.” We did that every night before. We had shows we watched together. That was what we thought was connecting.
KIM: I’m sure a lot of people think that. When people talk about, “Oh, we don’t have time to have sex,” I say, “If you really went through your day and took apart the things that are optional, that are recreational but not really building anything in your life, what would you find?” To me, exercise is a positive building of something in your life. Television is a draining of life force. It is really a waste.
So that’s great. You were just getting so focused on these new adventures and practices sexually that it just fell away?
ALEXIS: Yeah. It just naturally fell away. In our marriage contract, we have our weeks planned out. Every day is committed to something fun. Every day and every night, there’s something interesting to look forward to. We took all the salons the same way I took VKF, which is really to heart, really literally. If we put the practices in place, we knew good things were going to happen. We just kind of really focused on that.
We have our contract from CCT, and we revisited it this last week, just to reinforce everything in it. We have very fun weekly schedules. But I like to joke that our relationship is this kinky Nicholas Sparks novel now.
KIM: Kinky? Did you say kinky Nicholas Sparks? [Laughs]
ALEXIS: Yeah. A kinky Nicholas Sparks novel. If you were to take his stuff and make it dirty [laughs], that’s what we’ve got going on.
KIM: What does that mean to you? Nicholas Sparks is the guy who did The Notebook, right?
ALEXIS: The Notebook, yes.
KIM: So if it’s a kinky version of that, what does that mean?
ALEXIS: I feel like it’s not that people in marriages don’t love each other, but it’s more surface level because you’re not fully exposed to somebody else and they’re not fully exposed to you—
KIM: Emotionally and sexually.
ALEXIS: Yes, emotionally and sexually, and all the things. Even the radical honesty transformed everything for us because we really took that literally. We took it to heart. We have three kids. We’ve been together for a long time. We’ve moved across the country; we’ve done all types of stuff together, but we know each other on a level now that we didn’t the whole time before.
I was always keeping him at a little bit of a distance, to be safe. Like if he knew how much I loved him, he would take advantage of it and then I would get mistreated, everything would be terrible, and it would be the end of the world.
When we really laid it all out, we realized we were both keeping each other at a distance. I had a child from a previous relationship that didn’t work out, and he had been divorced before, so we had both gone through these big, dramatic breakups. Because of that, it was like we could only get so close to each other.
Anyway, my point with the Nicholas Sparks thing was that it’s always these grand love stories. It’s this grand, big love, and everybody says, “Oh, that’s good in writing, but that’s not real. Normal, everyday life isn’t that.”
But our normal, everyday life is that now. It’s because we did the work to fully expose ourselves to each other to get there, and you can’t have that without being fully exposed to the other person.
One of our rules is that we have sex in the morning because that’s his favorite time, and that helps both of us get through the day. Then we have sex at night because that’s my favorite time and that’s when we really have time.
We’re having sex at least twice a day most days.
It’s not just the act of having sex, but it’s that plugging in and connecting and intimacy and deepness that is happening, where the energy is always flowing between us.
It was funny, because I’ve always talked about energy and stuff, and I know he thought I was a little crazy. After CCT, he said, “Yeah, I can feel the energy moving between us.” He’ll be at work, and he’ll say, “Did you just feel some anxiety? Because I got a little something,” and all these things.
KIM: That’s really beautiful, and I think that’s such a great point that people start to feel it when they really do get that close to each other. We talked at the very beginning of this conversation about energetic imprints and residue that’s left. But if you’re connecting with somebody on this truly deep, surrendered, vulnerable plane, and you’re fully open to them, then the level of exchange is so much more profound. And yes, I think that people do become telepathic. They do start to really feel into each other.
I said years ago that when I first learned about these Taoist practices and Tantra, I’d heard this idea that you could make love to your partner from the other side of the room. Now I can make love to them from the other side of the world because our energy bodies are that connected. Even from the scientific perspective, that’s been validated in quantum physics. Einstein’s spooky objects at a distance or whatever he called that theory, the idea that something can reach out and touch something else, even though they’re separated by hundreds of thousands of miles in space.
That’s really beautiful to hear.
What else would you say has changed in your outer life in terms of the upleveling of your relationship and other ways that you’ve seen these tangible shifts?
ALEXIS: I’ve mentioned before that I homeschool the kids. Since my older ones were younger, I had always wanted to stay home with them, and I did, but I always was forcing myself to do something else as well to kind of feel like I mattered. I always had to have some part-time thing going or some side hustle or business. I’ve had multiple businesses over the years. I’ve done all types of contract work and whatnot.
I struggled this last year with the fact that where I live, you can’t find childcare to save your life. I chose to put my business on hiatus last fall, and I really struggled with surrendering. I knew everything would always work out for me and be okay, but it took a new level of surrender to say, “Okay, I’ll be able to attract abundance without having all these things going on. And the kids really need me more right now.” It was hard handing things over to Mitchell and letting him carry that part of this relationship fully and feeling safe doing that. Letting go and knowing that I was still going to be okay and that it was going to be what was better for everybody.
It caused a real restlessness or conflict in my life. I felt like this phase of my life was holding me back from these other things and like there was something wrong with me for wanting to do these things.
Our relationship is not traditional the way people think ’50s relationships are, but he has always been the main provider and I’ve always been the main nurturer. I’ve always had this inner feminist conflict with myself about it. [Laughs]
I was really, really able to let that go this year. In letting that go, I just enjoy everything so much more, motherhood, being with my kids. Something really funny that happened during VKF is I decided to start growing my own food, and I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I have not done this before. I’ve killed cacti, all types of stuff. Mitchell didn’t think it was going to work out, but I said, “Whatever, I’m going to do this. I’m going to throw stuff around.”
A funny little side thing from VKF—I don’t know if it was in one of the videos that you were doing or if it was in one of the live calls, but it mentioned how women used to flash their vaginas at their crops to help have a good harvest. I said, “Okay, I’ve never grown anything before. I have no compost, nothing. Might as well try to use some vagina power.”
So I’d go out every morning in my dresses, and I would do that, and we had such an insane harvest. Everything just blew up. We were bringing in buckets and buckets of stuff every day. I said, “My vagina did that. [Laughs] She made that happen.”
KIM: I love it. I believe it.
ALEXIS: Yeah, a million percent. I didn’t join Vaginal Kung Fu ever expecting my husband to do CCT with me, or SMM, or any of that. I thought there was a 0 percent chance that was ever going to happen.
Not that he doesn’t go along with my things, but I think when he heard Vaginal Kung Fu, he said, “Oh, this is another one of her little off-the-wall things that she’s doing.”
KIM: Energy things?
ALEXIS: Yeah. But once we were about five or six weeks in the salon, I was able to get to a place of vulnerability with him, where I was able to be really honest and straight up about everything that was going on and what I really wanted, versus what we had been going through, in a way that wasn’t aggressive and attacking.
I had all these people ask, “How’d you get him to do CCT? How’d you talk him into it? How’d you do this?” And I said, “I just told him how it is, and I was just really open and honest and vulnerable about the whole thing, and he wants me to be happy, so he did it.” [Laughs]
Going into Vaginal Kung Fu, I said, “Oh, I’m going to de-numb my vagina and this is going to be really good for me because I’ll be able to feel more having sex and I’ll feel stronger, and all these things will happen.”
But now I’m able to go deeper with myself. Now I’m able to go deeper with my partner. And because of that, he was able to come and join me in all the things that we were doing. It was just the catalyst for everything else.
Last year, we ended up doing all the things. I did Vaginal Kung Fu, Well-F**ked Woman. He did Sexual Mastery for Men. We did CCT together. Had I not done Vaginal Kung Fu and not been able to de-numb my vagina and my emotions and re-associate and be able to get back in that vulnerability for the first time, the rest of it wouldn’t have happened. Vaginal Kung Fu was the catalyst for everything else that we experienced this year.
We had huge transformations during Couples Coming Together, but I still think that Vaginal Kung Fu was essential for all the transformation. It was the first domino for everything that happened the rest of the year.
KIM: I love hearing that. Sometimes people’s partners are actively resisting the process or they’re just nonchalant, whatever.
And I say, “Look, focus on you, put all your energy into you, and as the changes come to fruition in you, your partner will feel that. That’s where the real test comes. Because if they really are interested in the relationship and in you and in growth, they’ll be ignited by that.” They’ll say, “What’s going on here? I want some of this. Let’s both do some of this.”
Or they won’t care. Then it can be easier to say, “Okay, I think we’re really not on the same page.”
But I love hearing that when you’re doing that work and play, the partner feels that. They can feel and see how you’re different and how you’re being different with them. The proof is in the pudding. Why wouldn’t they want some of that? Unless they’re so closed down and in their own little bubble, in which case, that really kind of answers the question.
I love it! Was there anything else? Oh, there was one thing. You had talked about how before this work, you’d have five-minute or seven-minute sexual encounters. And now, what is a quickie for you? How long is a quickie?
ALEXIS: Our morning quickies are probably around 20 minutes because we run out of time. [Laughs] He’s got to go to work at some point, or the baby wakes up.
But at night our quickies are around 45 minutes. It’s not even on purpose. I can’t even tell you how many nights we’ve had a connection date and said, “Oh, it’s really late now; we’ll just cuddle a little bit before we go to sleep,” and then it’s an hour-and-a-half later and we just got done having this great sex session that just came out of nowhere because we were that connected.
And considering the first night I had the G-spot orgasms was our very first three-hour sex date, we decided we needed to stick with that. [Laughs] It was very successful right off the bat. First three-hour sex date, first G-spot orgasms. So we’ve stuck with that.
It’s not all penetrative sex. We’re still working up to that, but it’s all fun stuff. It’s all fun stuff and the longer, the deeper sessions—even though I wanted sex before, I used to want it to go fast. As soon as it started, I said, “Okay, let’s wrap this up; we can have our orgasms and we can pass out, and that’s going to be that.” Again, it’s just wild to me because now, we’ve hit points where we just have to stop because of time. We just can’t do this forever. [Laughs] We have to sleep at some point.
Again, it’s kind of crazy to look back and think that seven minutes was our norm. Now if it was seven minutes—I don’t know what would have to happen, probably one of the kids walking in, or something shutting it down right after it starts. We have done some stuff in the kitchen that’s had to get cut short, but … [Laughs]
KIM: Is there anything else that you’d like to add that you feel we haven’t covered?
ALEXIS: I don’t think so. I think that pretty much covers my orgasmic journey and the vaginal sensation journey and everything that went on with that. But it’s crazy, because as soon as I heard you talking about women going numb, I said, “Oh my God, women go numb. This is what’s happening with me. This is what’s going on.”
I put it off for years, and I invested in so many other things over the last three years. To think that it took me this long to say, “Oh, this is probably something that I should prioritize investing in,” is just crazy to me, because
this has been the thing that has changed all the other things that I was working so hard to try to change.
We’re just really grateful for the work. I tried following some other coaches because I ran out of your podcasts to listen to. I listened to all of them so I said, “Well, I’ll try listening to somebody else.” And I literally have not found one other person. I can just feel inside me that there’s something wrong or they say something and I know, “That’s not true. I know that because of what my body’s done.”
I just really appreciate that you’re here and that we were able to do this work and able to get to where we’re at. Because it was such a missing piece of life. I think I knew something was missing, but I didn’t know how to fix it. I feel like both individually and together, we have gotten to the point where we fixed it, and my husband had a huge awakening this year. It’s everything I’ve been talking to him about for years and he’s been humoring me. Now he sees all the things and says all the things and we’re able to share that and really be together in that way too.
It’s been a really great experience, and I’m just really glad that I decided to finally do it. When I finally made the choice to do it this year, all those other things that I was trying to get to, the healing and the vulnerability and the connection, that all rippled out and was kind of finally put to rest.
KIM: That’s really interesting to hear, because we do hear from some people who have been following my work for years but haven’t signed up for anything yet. Then at some point, they do. I wonder if it’s almost an inner knowing that this is going to be the Rosetta Stone. This is going to be the really big piece. Am I ready for that? Do I have the courage to actually dive into it?
Some people will find me two days before a salon starts and they’ll dive in. Other people, it’ll take them a while. It’s not because they can’t afford to do it; it’s just something in them. They haven’t just pushed themselves over that edge yet.
ALEXIS: Yeah. I think I was prioritizing other things. “Oh, I can do this when I do it. I can get to this when I get to it.” Plus I got pregnant again after finding you. Once I got the prolapse diagnosis, that’s when I started following really closely.
I said, “I think this is the thing.” Because I didn’t trust pelvic floor therapists. And I wasn’t getting surgery. Anybody who mentioned it, I said, “Get away from me.” I wasn’t doing any of that. “This is how I’m going to get there, and I know this is how I’m going to take my power back from that prolapse diagnosis.”
I actually got checked out for the first time since I was three weeks postpartum while I was in CCT right after I had my first G-spot orgasms, and they said, “Yeah, you don’t have a prolapse, you’re fine. Everything’s fine.” I said, “Here we are! [Laughs] I knew it.”
KIM: That’s awesome, Alexis. Well, thank you so much for sharing. It’s been amazing to have you in all the salons. You’ve been such an active participant and have so much great commentary and witty moments and support for everybody else within the salons. It’s been lovely getting to know you, and I’m so glad to hear of your evolution.
ALEXIS: Thank you, Kim.
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