How to Transmute Sexual Energy as a Couple – TRANSCRIPT
One of the things I’m most fascinated by and passionate about in my work is the idea of transmuting sexual energy.
This is the idea that we can take this oh-so-powerful life-force, pro-creative energy and consciously use it in our lives.
On the podcast, I’m always sharing stories about how people have done this.
You can channel this energy into anyone and anything, including yourself and any part of your body, your partner’s body and your lives.
We’ve seen people self-heal everything from fibroids, cysts and endometriosis, to difficult periods and menopause, to massive weight loss (orgasms over Ozempic, yo!).
Check out our episodes: F**king Is Better than Therapy, Well-F**ked Weight Loss.
We’ve seen people revitalize their careers, magnetize massive business opportunities and boost their income exponentially.
Check out the legendary episode The Multi-Million Dollar Blow Job
We’ve also watched people alchemize their trauma—even deep sexual abuse—through this work.
For more on that, check out the episode Healing Sexual Trauma with the Jade Yoni Egg.
THAT’S how powerful it is.
The thing is, most people have a very UNconscious approach to sex.
They use it as a tool to turn off, rather than turn on.
TO go to sleep—literally and figuratively— rather than as a means to awakening.
Not in Anami Land.
We want you to get high.
To awaken and elevate your consciousness.
And to change your life.
And you can do every one of those things through the power of fuck.
Not just any fuck though.
The holy fuck.
The conscious fuck.
The fuck that changes you from the inside out.
That fuck.
I often say, if sex isn’t changing your life, then you’re doing it wrong.
Because when you HARVEST this energy and direct it into your world, you extend this idea of la petite mort, the little death and rebirth, into your whole existsnce, where you can transform and re-create all of it.
And THAT is the true purpose of your sexual energy.
In today’s episode, we’re speaking with Well-F**ked All Star couple Colleen and Jessie.
Through my work, they’ve learned to consciously direct their sexual energy and use it for everything from physical healing in their bodies (deep throating for the win!) and channeling this energy into their careers to advance them and make more cash.
*****Transmute Sexual Energy as a Couple Well-F**ked All Star Interview*****
KIM: Hey, welcome, Colleen and Jessie, signing in from New Zealand.
COLLEEN: Thank you.
KIM: So you guys had a year of Anami.
JESSIE: Yeah, we did. It was fantastic.
KIM: Tell me how you came into it and what your motivation was to then commit to the year. Did you know you were going to do a year straight off the bat, or did it evolve like that? Did one person need to be cajoled more into the work than the other? What was your journey in stepping into Anami Land?
COLLEEN: We’ve been married for over seven years. I feel like I came to the marriage with a lot of history of sexual and emotional baggage. Jessie has been working on finding lots of different ways to help me work on that throughout the entirety of the marriage.
We have three kids, and when we started, our youngest was one. The others were three and five.
I had lots of pain during all the pregnancies. And Jessie, especially with our last pregnancy, used sex a lot as pain control and relaxation, with me kicking and screaming and thinking that was wrong. He kept sending me different tidbits from different people, different toys and things to think about. Different challenges. And I would say, “I’m not going to do this for myself; I’ll do this for you.”
And then one day he sent me the podcast “Breast Massage for Heart Opening,” and, by trade, I was really into healing. I was a physio and specialized in pain. I said, “Okay, let’s listen to this. What’s happening there? Oh wow, this lady really knows her stuff. This is really interesting. I think I might want to do one of her salons.”
And his comment was, “Well, let’s do them all.” So my idea was, “Okay, we need to do Coming Together first, because Jessie, you have a lot to work on.” [Laughs] And his comment was, “Nope, no, no, no. I think you really need to do VKF first.”
That was in August, before VKF. So the next one to sign up for was VKF. I started listening to your podcasts, and I started sending them to all sorts of people. One of the people I sent them to said, “I love this jade egg practice.” I said, “No, no, no. Kegels, fine, but I’m not into the jade egg practice.”
KIM: Why? What was your barrier against it?
COLLEEN: I didn’t see the reason why a jade egg would be better than a Kegel. Coming from a physio basis, I said, “Okay, we need feedback. We need resistance, but why would a crystal egg be better?”
KIM: Which is bizarre, right? Because using Kegels without any weight gives no feedback and resistance. People think you carry the jade egg around in your vagina all day. I did a full interview with a woman who does pelvic floor work, and she had the misunderstanding that the jade egg was just throwing it up your vagina while you’re vacuuming the house.
Which is what a lot of people actually say to do with it, rather than it being a deliberate practice of this many sets and reps, and actually using it as exercise, which is what it was always intended to be. But you know how these things get distorted. It’s that old game, starting with the truth and ending up with something completely fabricated.
So you were a bit resistant to the egg, and then what happened?
COLLEEN: Then this person got the egg, and I said, “Okay, well, I’ll do it. Let’s do it.” So I got the Jade Egg Salonette a couple of months before VKF, and I started to realize that it was a lot more than just the jade egg and doing sets and reps; there was a lot more to that.
Then we signed up for VKF when it opened at the beginning of last year.
KIM: Excellent. So Jessie, it sounds like you already had some concept of sex as medicine, the healing power of sex, because it sounds like that’s the approach that you were using with Colleen to help her.
JESSIE: Well, I suppose I’m looking at it from the perspective of where I am now and where I was. No, I didn’t have that perspective. But at the time, I probably thought I had a perspective that sex is healing.
We’re both quite religious, so I look at sex as a gift from God, and it’s actually a good thing. It’s not this taboo, or sex is bad, or it’s only for procreation. That’s my view on it. That’s what has dictated my perspective of it from the moment that we got married.
I grew up in a household where sex was talked about. My parents were both very open and raw with their relationship. They didn’t try and hide it from us. So I had a very real perspective of marriage that is completely different from what Colleen had growing up. So when we got married, I was looking at it from the perspective of “I know it can be better, so therefore, let’s try and work on these things that are block or hindrances to our marriage being better, more open, more honest, which will bring us closer together emotionally, physically, spiritually. Let’s work on these things instead of just poking and prodding and trying to find an opening.”
KIM: So your upbringing was in a religious household?
JESSIE: Yes.
KIM: Because it’s interesting; people have this experience with the opposite, where there is, within religious teaching, so much taboo and restriction and shame. And yet, I’ve found, in some sects, people do actually believe that within a committed partnership, it’s one of the most beautiful things you can experience, and it is “God-endorsed” to be having these experiences.
JESSIE: Totally, yeah. And it’s quite interesting because people we know who have done this stuff—one partner would be more on board with it than the other, and there’d be more resistance from a religious perspective. Even within the friendship groups that we’ve got, it’s still the same sort of thing: learning that sex is bad.
And I think a lot of it stems from this idea that sex is within a marriage. We were both virgins when we got married, so it’s like you go from ‘this is not in an okay environment’ to ‘now sex is okay’—it’s a massive perspective shift from not being married to being married, which I feel like, going back seven years, I was able to do a lot easier than Colleen. A lot of that conditioning of just changing the perspective of “sex is bad” to “sex is okay,” if you want to use bad and okay as your adjectives.
KIM: Okay. Let’s talk about some of the more profound shifts and realizations you had through doing this work. One of the major things I talk about in my work is the idea of using sex consciously versus unconsciously. Most people are having very unconscious sex. They are using sex as a way to discharge stress, energy, tension, put them to sleep, or even just go through the motions because this is something married couples are supposed to do. We have to have sex because that’s what we do obligatorily.
My work is all about going far beyond that into consciously using our sexual energy as a spiritual tool to uplift, heal, connect deeply, and even help open us up to higher states of consciousness and connection with ourselves, with our partner, with God, with the world at large.
So tell me more about experiences you’ve had in really using sex consciously, being very deliberate about the movement and flow of your sexual energy.
COLLEEN: I think one of the biggest things that needed to come to the surface and be cleared was this idea that I had that sex is for men’s pleasure. Sex is for him. It’s something a woman does out of duty. That sort of lie that women are less sexual than men.
Jessie has been amazingly loving, conscious, and deliberate about seeking my pleasure. Once we had the practices of reflection that you include in the salons, where you say, “Okay, what are the things that need to come up or the blocks that need to be cleared?” then we could take that up together.
For instance, with VKF, I ended up doing a very deep dive into all the practices. I always had ideas that, yes, you should follow the sex acts that your husband wants to do, but it’s not for you; it’s for him.
And I’d also had this really tight pain in my jaw. I remember at one point in VKF, there was this one practice, and I said, “What is happening here? What is this tight pain in my jaw that’s keeping me from being able to deep throat and coming up when we make love?” During VKF, I actually had energy in my vagina, and it would flow up and stop at my neck.
KIM: Whoa.
COLLEEN: So I would get this energy, it would flow, tingle, feel amazing, and then just stop. There was this blockage.
And so we talked about it. We brought it up. We said, “We’re not fighting each other. We’re working together to heal, to become one.”
During CT, there was this major, major breakthrough where we were having our three-hour sex date and I said, “Can we try moving energy? I’m feeling this in my neck. Could you please use some visualization while we’re having sex to imagine this pain and this blockage moving?” He said, “This is what we’re going to do.” He provided a safe container. “You’re going to imagine all of the blockages and anything that’s keeping you stuck coming into my cock and disappearing.”
And we started to do that while we were making love and breathing. Then there was this part where I said, “My neck feels so tight.” And so he took his hands and put them right around my neck and said, “I want you to imagine the shackles breaking.” We kept going and breathing, and it was intense, hard, and beautiful.
Then suddenly there was this burst and energy just flowed, and I laughed and cried. I had this vision of a postapocalyptic world where there was this red sky and moon and these Greco-Roman ruins. It was like the world had been destroyed, and there was this beautiful, tender garden just beginning to grow.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt that unadulteratedly joyful in my life before. It was as though the power of us together, the power of our connection, the power of that sexual energy, just made this amazing—boom—breakthrough in a way I had never experienced before.
JESSIE: At least from my perspective, if I can just provide a little bit more insight into particularly what I was doing there, it wasn’t that I was just providing a space for the visualization; I was taking energy in through my cock and recirculating the energy back out. I was trying to provide this feedback loop of this dark energy coming into me and then coming back out as light energy. It was creating this feedback loop.
KIM: You were alchemizing it in real time. Yeah.
JESSIE: Providing that space of, “Okay, this is what we’re doing: Visualize it coming in. Visualize it going back out, through your body, through your arms, finding all the dark energy that is trapped within you and pulling it back down. Slowly, I want you to visualize this dark energy disappearing as it’s getting replaced by light.”
How to Transmute Sexual Energy as a Couple: Releasing throat blockages
KIM: I love that. That is so beautiful. We talk a lot about the symbolism within the body, and when people have a tight throat or stuckness in the throat, there’s often a parallel in their outer lives to feeling unable to express their truthfully. Feeling blocks about speaking their mind. Does that hold true for you, and did you see a change after this breakthrough in bed?
COLLEEN: 100%. I remember when I was a kid, I would have lines on the inside of my mouth where I was biting my lips so hard to keep from speaking, and I thought that was normal.
Then, as I kept going, as I became an adult, the idea was that you need to be perfect. You can’t show these emotions. Perfection is that masculine push, that masculine drive—you hold the container; you hold everything together.
Now, it’s been amazing with the change and the willingness to be open and vulnerable and honest about my struggles and imperfections. I was talking to somebody recently, and they asked, “How are you doing?” I said, “I’m doing great!” They said, “Why?” I said, “I just finished this year of Anami, and I’m feeling amazing. I’m closer to my husband. Sex is amazing.” This other girl walked by and said, “What are you talking about?” We said, “We’re talking about sex in the context of a relationship,” and she said, “Oh, that’s your favorite topic.” [Laughs]
And it’s amazing because when I show up as who I am, then I get the response of people loving me for who I am, instead of when I try to show up as who I thought people want me to be. Then people don’t love me because I’m showing up as myself.
How to Transmute Sexual Energy as a Couple: Radical honesty
In the Couples Salon, you talk a lot about radical honesty and self-responsibility. There are a lot of tools that you give us to help us be radically honest and self-responsible with each other, and that hugely spills out.
I still notice now that the open throat and jaw are a continual work in progress, and I notice that when I am out of the habit of speaking my truth, or when we don’t spend as much time on my throat, things are tighter. And when things have been cleared, when I am saying the hard things—not in a mean way, but being lovingly honest—it’s open.
I thought it was all Jessie’s fault, and he wasn’t paying attention to me. I had this intuition and this pain in my jaw during the visualization, and I said, “These are my body image issues. This is the way I’m thinking about myself, which is keeping me from showing up in the world and having me project these things onto other people.”
And it’s tools like that that let you say, “Okay, this is me. This is something that I didn’t know better, and now I do, and now I have tools to work on it.”
KIM: Beautiful. I love that. You have the self-awareness to see these expressions in your body and interpret and listen to them, which is a huge theme in my work—this idea of listening to the body, honoring it, and trying to work with that information as a map from the body. “Here’s something to look at. Here’s something for us to work on. We’re going to bring this up to the surface so that you can alchemize it and illuminate it and heal it.”
That is so the opposite of the dominant medical paradigm, which is, “That’s irrelevant; we’re just going to override everything and throw some drugs at it and off you go.” [Laughs] Yeah. A completely different universe.
Anything else you want to talk about in terms of the alchemy and using sex as healing?
COLLEEN: I’d had neck and back pain as long as I could remember, at least from when I was ten years old, and it had become debilitating during my pregnancies.
Through this work, through the strengthening, the communication, and all the practices, it’s wonderful to realize that 99% of the time now, I feel good. Anytime this pain comes up, the whole paradigm of how I look at my body has completely shifted. Because it used to be that I thought my body was a machine I needed to fix. If a symptom came up, I said, “Okay, this symptom is happening. How can I fix this?”
In your work, you give us these tools to say, “How can I listen and partner with my body, with myself, with God, with my partner?” So we can listen, bring it up, and not just try to fix it, but dig deep to get to the root of it.
And I’ve really seen a difference throughout my day, and I can run around with my kids. I can roughhouse. I can lift them up and carry them around. During the first years of our marriage, we oftentimes had to stop during sex because this hurt or that hurt, or I needed to move this. It’s beautiful to see the freedom that has come from consistently showing up and doing this work.
KIM: I love that. What other changes happened in your relationship over this year?
COLLEEN: I think polarity has been a big one. I had been single for quite a long while when I met Jessie. He is 12 years younger than me. When I met him, I said, “Oh, he’s a cute kid.” But he showed up with this masculine, dominant, beautiful, intoxicating energy, and if he was a 9 in masculinity, I was an 8. I finally found a man who was masculine enough for me to get a taste.
In the context of our marriage, there was this push that he would always be the most masculine, but I would try to be as masculine as he was.
“He’s got it. He’s got me. I can completely trust him.”
Through the context of this work and a lot of the things you talk about, I have learned—and am learning—what surrender and letting go and not trying to back-lead feels like. I’ve really noticed a difference when, instead of giving lip service to his leadership and then trying to take things back because I know better or because I think I do, I find this beautiful freedom and flow. And I don’t need to think about it. He’s got it. He’s got me. I can completely trust him. He is taking care of us, our family, and the direction that we’re going, and I’m here to relax, be supportive, connect, and just be instead of trying to do all the time.
No more arguing
JESSIE: Yeah, I would say that the environment in which we are now—our family environment, the energy at home—is a lot calmer. I don’t feel like we significantly argued before, but whatever we were arguing about before has decreased because of radical honesty. So if something comes up, it gets talked about even sooner than it did before. It’s like, “Can we talk about this?” And then, “Yeah, cool, move on.”
Yeah, the home environment is very nice, calm, relaxing; it’s a pleasant place to be as opposed to being a stressful environment or, “Oh, I’ve got to deal with all these issues,” or whatever.
I feel like that’s one of the big things that I’ve noticed—everything that we’ve been doing in the bedroom plays out in our home life, and then obviously further out into the world as well.
KIM: Do you think there was more friction as well when she was fighting you a bit in her masculine? If you’re both competing to be the dominant masculine energy in the home, do you think that created more tension?
JESSIE: Yes, definitely. The polarity is significantly shifted in terms of where Colleen focuses.
So yeah, being a 9 and an 8 in the masculine definitely provided a lot of friction. Probably more so for Colleen than for me, just because of my personality and who I am. That type of thing was just like, “Well, I can overcome this; it is what it is. I can overcome this. It doesn’t matter, therefore, from my perspective.”
Whereas now, that mentality is no longer there because it doesn’t need to be. There’s nothing to overcome. Energies are actually working together. They’re meshed together to support each other and nourish each other. The feminine is nourishing energy. I can be nourished by just being around her. I’m not going to find that nourishment from another source.
Trying to live in my masculine and masculinely parent three small children was exhausting.
COLLEEN: I think, for me, the big difference in the home environment is I’m not exhausted. Trying to live in my masculine and masculinely parent three small children was exhausting. Whereas now, these practices have given me permission to show myself to my kids. I used to say, “Okay, I need to be around all my kids all the time. I need to be managing their behavior. If I take a rest to go away from my kids, it’s weak.”
Now I know I need to nourish myself so that I can be from a point of flow to deal with my kids. The kids are now used to hearing, “Okay, Mommy is angry. I’m just going to take a moment,” and I’m modeling that for my kids now, instead of saying, “Oh, I’m angry!” and blowing up at them. “I’m modeling to them, “Okay, this is my emotion; I now have the tools. I’m going to take care of that. I’ll be out in a minute.”
On making time for sex when you have several young children
Or “Mommy and Daddy are going to have some time.” Yesterday, we were connecting in the bedroom for 45 minutes, and the kids were just playing happily because they know that’s what we need. They don’t know it on a conscious level, but on a subconscious level, they can sense the difference.
On occasion, one knocks and says, “This person did this, and this person this,” and instead of becoming angry that it’s not perfect, you just say, “Okay, thank you.”
JESSIE: “Thank you, you. Shuffle along.” [Laughs]
COLLEEN: And you shuffle along, and you flow with it.
KIM: “Shut the door behind you.”
JESSIE: Yeah, pretty much. If you can sort it out yourself, it’s fine.
KIM: I love hearing that. Let’s talk a bit about the idea of having children. You have three children under five, and so many people use the idea of having young children as an excuse for why they can’t be intimate. “We haven’t had sex in five years. Well, of courseL we have children!” It’s the most socially sanctioned excuse. Nobody will fault you for being new parents or even parents at all and not having sex. I’m forever poking holes in that argument and saying that actually, your power source is sex. The more sex you have, the easier your parenting life will be.
The way you just described this flow—your children sense, even if they don’t fully understand consciously what’s happening—that when their parents are connected on this much deeper, more intimate level, that harmony and beauty and flow permeates every dimension of the family. You really are the nucleus and the center of the family. Your connection, the energy between you, is the ultimate flow-out into the family. When that is operating at a high level, everything shifts.
Were you one of those people who had that excuse? Or how was that journey for you as a mom?
COLLEEN: I probably would have if Jessie weren’t so strong. [Laughs] Because he was the one who was constantly saying, “Okay, I’m going to push,” and before Anami, I’d think, “I’m going to do this for him.” We were doing it maybe two, three times a week before.
KIM: And where are you now?
COLLEEN: I’ll get back to that in just a second. Jessie wasn’t the type to pump, dump, and schlump, ever. That wasn’t how he came to our marriage. And before this work, I used to be offended. “Oh, I know that 90-plus-percent of men ejaculate within three minutes, so there must be something wrong with me. I must be really, really ugly, or really, really broken, or really, really not attractive because this wonderful man is not ejaculating.” [Laughs]
And now I know there’s this idea of conscious energy, of moving energy, of ejaculation as a source of dumping energy. He was doing it for me the entire time and for him and for us and for the relationship.
How to Transmute Sexual Energy as a Couple: Daily sex. At least once a day.
Now we mostly have sex daily. Six or seven times a week, at least once a day. [Laughs] Which is wonderful.
KIM: At least once a day. I love that.
How to Transmute Sexual Energy as a Couple: The morning blow job alarm clock
JESSIE: At least once a day. And the day normally starts off with some sort of blow job. That’s the wake-up. Then we get on with the day, and when I get home, before we go to sleep.
KIM: Fantastic.
COLLEEN: So we’ve already started off the day, we’re together, we’re a team, we’ve built some energy, and we’re ready for the day.
KIM: Right. So you’re using that as a fuel source. Literally plugging into each other and getting that charge and then going out into your day with it. This is such a huge thing that so many people don’t understand. I’m forever trying to explain that is where you get your energy. When you’re feeling tired and low energy and you have a big day, it’s especially important to plug in with each other. Yeah.
Well-f**ked parents = well-behaved children
What did you notice in your life once you knew that this was your energy source? Did you notice any difference in your children’s energy?
COLLEEN: As I’m in this process of healing, I’ve noticed that my children have gotten progressively more energetically attuned. My youngest notices the energy in the room, and she is attracted to people who have good energy. But all of my children, since I’ve been doing this work, have a lot less frantic, bickering energy.
We always had pretty well-behaved children, but now they come up with these beautiful, loving, wonderful things. My four-year-old son came up to me the other day and said, “Mommy, thank you so much for everything you do. Thank you for all the work that you’re doing.”
What four-year-old has that knowledge and awareness of people around him to say, “I see the space”? It’s because we’re creating space for them, because we have this whole environment, then they have this beautiful space to create for other people and themselves and this ability to share love.
They’re kids, so they’re obviously still frustrated, but so much less easily. There’s this ability that I’ve noticed in all three of them to see other people’s perspectives and let other people be themselves and work around that. I’ve seen that massive shift in the energy, which makes it just so much more delightful.
We have so much fun now. I homeschool. I’m around my kids all day, every day. It’s fun, encouraging, and beautiful. I get energy from them, and they teach me. Instead of trying to fix their behaviors, we have space to nourish them as well.
JESSIE: Yeah. The tools that we’ve taken over the last year, which you’ve talked about throughout all the salons, we’ve obviously implemented them in our own lives, but we have also started to give those tools to our children in a way that they can understand so that they’ve got the ability to deal with their emotions when they come up and deal with each other and talk about stuff, like, “Okay, you’re angry. Why?” “Oh, I don’t know.” “Okay, well, let’s talk about the fact that you don’t know why you’re angry and this is an outburst of emotion. Because there’s clearly something going on that needs to be looked at.”
We work with our kids to help them have that self-awareness, self-regulate, and self-monitor. That’s been a noticeable difference over the last year, just being able to implement all of those tools and provide that example to our children for what we’re doing. Because ultimately, they look to us and see we live our lives through what we’re doing. So then we’re providing the same tools that add a level they can understand for them to regulate their own lives. That has been really cool to see.
KIM: I love that. You mentioned, Colleen, that you had a shift in terms of how you view yourselves as beautiful and feminine and sensual. Tell me about that.
COLLEEN: I remember the first time in VKF that you asked us to yoni gaze, I had such a feeling of disgust about my yoni. “This is ugly; this is disgusting. I don’t want to see this.”
That’s where I started. I would nitpick myself apart. I would focus on the negative. I would focus on the things I wanted to change and fix.
For instance, the other day, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I said, “Wow, I like the way you look. You look good.” And there’s this joy and beauty. I remember growing up, I never liked the way I looked in pictures. I always saw the sadness behind my eyes, and my mom and grandma never liked the way they looked in pictures. This is multigenerational self-criticism. It was almost like we could shame ourselves into being better.
Now, I just love myself. “Yeah, there are things to change, but look at you. I mean, look what you can do. Look at how you’re looking. Wow. I love breast massage.” Breast massage is like, “Oh, wow, you are so luscious today.” I noticed a huge difference. There was specifically one practice that did it. After I did it, I said, “Wow, my breasts are really, really full.” I didn’t mention anything to Jessie, and that night, he said, “Wow, your breasts are really, really full,” or something to that effect.
JESSIE: As if I wouldn’t notice. [Laughs]
COLLEEN: Right. It was sort of a test, like am I just deluding myself?
But now I can look at myself and when I take pictures, it’s like, “Wow, look at the joy. Look at the fun we’re having.” It’s not, “Oh, look at that weight you might need to lose,” or “Look at your thighs,” or “Look at how old you are,” any of those sorts of things. I’m able to inhabit myself and be present with myself and get rid of all that junk and have room to actually show up.
KIM: You’re seeing through any conditioning things that you might have absorbed or taken on along the way and leaving the pure self and love for self beneath it.
COLLEEN: Definitely.
Increased confidence as a man
KIM: Jessie, what would you say some of the transformations have Increased income been in you as a man?
Increased income
JESSIE: I am even more sure of myself than I was before. The direction that I’m heading in life, there’s more purpose than I would’ve had before, just because the environment is providing a space for the masculine energy to drive and excel and push forward.
We’ve increased our income, which I know is something that you talk about throughout the salons, this idea of alchemizing energy. There has been quite a substantial increase in income through the workstreams that we’ve been doing.
I don’t run my own business, but I’m in partnership with somebody else, so that’s increased. It just skyrocketed. [Laughs]
What other changes have I noticed?
COLLEEN: I feel like people frustrate you less.
JESSIE: I have a lot of tolerance for incompetence from people, but throughout this work, I’ve become calmer. I’m more forgiving, more willing to let stuff slide to a certain extent.
I hold significantly less anger, frustration, and stress. The environment that I work in, and my role, could be quite a stressful, high-intensity position. But I don’t feel like that affects me as it affected me in the past.
The new, high-level normal
You made a comment yesterday when you were giving me a scalp rub and you said, “You’re not holding any tension in your face or your jaw.” Even though the environment in which I work could be quite conducive to holding a lot of stress and tension.
Everything we’re doing on a daily basis means all these things are melting away to a point where you almost don’t remember what it was like before. This is now the new normal. “What were we like before? Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, that’s right. I believe we were doing these things.” But this is amazing and beautiful, and it’s such a joy and a pleasure to be in. Why would I want anything that we had before?
We’ll get there eventually because I’ll keep talking and then all these things will start coming in. [Laughs]
I’m probably more willing to keep pushing the boundaries in our relationship than I was before.
KIM: Pushing the boundaries in what way?
JESSIE: In the sense of BDSM stuff. More dominant/submissive role. We had a session a few weeks ago. Nothing is a finished thing. It’s one of the things that you’re very clear on throughout all the salons; everything is a journey.
COLLEEN: There’s always another level.
JESSIE: There’s always another level to go on. So from my perspective, I’m always looking for that next level. I’ve got this drive to say, “Okay, if it’s this great, imagine what it can be in a year’s time.” Let’s not take our foot off the gas because, “Oh, well, we’ve done our year of Anami; we’re so much better than we were a year ago.” No, no, no. Let’s keep pushing.
I’ve got a collar and a lead. I’ve got a ball gag, I’ve got an anal hook for Colleen. I shared those with her, and she freaked out a little bit, particularly about the ball gag. So I said, “All right, that’s clearly something that needs to be worked on here. Great.” I love it when we find things we can work on together, because that means it’s going to be fun.
So I put the collar and lead on her, and then I put the anal hook in—
KIM: Did you say anal hook?
JESSIE: Yeah, anal hook. It’s like a butt plug, but it has a hook with a loop at the end so that you can do shibari with it, basically. It’s just to provide another pleasure stimulation point.
KIM: You can do what with it?
JESSIE: You can tie a rope through it, and I guess it’s just another point of pulling pressure.
COLLEEN: Different amounts of input.
JESSIE: Anyway, then I used my phone’s camera to get her to look at herself and break down those barriers of ball gag in, collar on as we’re having doggie-style sex.
COLLEEN: It was confronting.
JESSIE: It was very confronting to her, and it was really good to be in that space to break down more barriers and draw closer to each other.
COLLEEN: The interesting thing is, it was done with so much love. It’s not domination for domination’s sake. It’s, “Okay, you’ve got this issue in your jaw. Let’s see what we can do to play with that. What would happen if you couldn’t actually clench your jaw?” And it was interesting because there was so much more openness.
JESSIE: Yeah, everywhere. Which is not what I would expect, and the me of three years ago would have been horrified. The me right now says, “Oh, this is really, really open and vulnerable. Let’s mess with this and see.”
COLLEEN: There are at least 20 or 30 people I’ve told about your podcast. I can’t control which of them will be listening, so then we’re going to have some great conversations. It’s just this opportunity to say, “How can we continue to lean into that polarity? How can we continue to break down these barriers in whatever way is possible in this beautiful, safe environment?” Because the me before Anami work would have said, “No. Hard no. There is no way you are doing this to me.”
But what happened at that point, in that specific session, was that I noticed agitation in my body, especially about the ball gag. It wasn’t someone saying, “I’m going to do this to you.” It was—
JESSIE: “We’re going to do this together.”
COLLEEN: “We’re doing this together.” We lovingly talked about it before, and we lovingly talked about it after. We lovingly talked about it during as well. There’s the ability to chat and have deep conversations about these things, and there’s nothing between us that’s keeping us from connecting with each other.
KIM: It’s another example of using your conscious intention to transmute, alchemize, go into the experience, and even orchestrate it, knowing that there’s an issue with the throat. Okay, let’s play with that and activate it and see what we can come up with.
What you’re describing is a conscious collaboration to use your sex life as a tool for illumination, healing, elevation; even though it might seem like there are these darker areas you’re exploring, whatever ideas people might have superficially about BDSM, it’s actually an incredibly profound tool to use to explore dynamics of power and submission, surrender and control, and for both people to get deeper into those energies. It’s an extremely potent tool and, I’d say, very spiritual. What is more divine than the idea and the experience of deep, deep surrender?
Even for the man to experience the surrender of fully embracing your masculine energy, not having to restrict and hold back and be worried about being too toxic or too alpha or whatever restrictions are being suggested for men these days, but to have a place to be fully unfettered and express that and really feel into it—that is beautiful. It’s one of the most sacred practices a couple can do, when it’s done consciously and with so much trust and openness.
JESSIE: Definitely. Yeah, it’s great to have that space just to let go as a man and in that masculine energy while knowing that it’s not dangerous; it’s not going to blow up. No, no, no, this is what we’re looking for. We’re looking for an even more exaggerated polarity; we want to really push up against something because then when we pull back from it, there’s this space to talk about it and to allow more healing to happen.
Colleen talked earlier about us alchemizing, the shackles breaking away from her throat, and energy flowing. Yeah, that was months ago, but we’re still working on it now. We’re just working on it in different ways because there are more and more conditioning layers that are coming to the surface and being broken away.
So yeah, we still do visualization practices as well, but it’s just another way of working on stuff as a couple to become better versions of ourselves.
COLLEEN: Yeah. I went to a women’s retreat the other weekend, and there were a few other people there—one other person who’s done one of your salons and another person who has gone really deep into energy practices. It was fascinating because that palpable energy that I felt when I was talking to these women was electric.
My vagina finds lost objects
I was talking with one of them—she had lost something—and I said, “You know what? I remember listening to this podcast about Amanda, who was able to find things. Let’s ask my body. I’ve never seen this thing. I have no idea where—”
KIM: Let’s clarify. Amanda would find things with her vagina. So she would specifically ask her vagina, “Where is this thing that we’ve lost?” Or “Can you find me a parking space in this crowded parking lot?” She would consult her vagina directly.
COLLEEN: Yeah. Well, I tuned into myself and asked my vagina, “Where is this?” I said, “No, it’s not there, not there. Huh. I feel like it’s in that blue bag or that pink bag. No, my body says it’s in the blue bag.” And it was in that blue bag. And I said, “Tick.” [Making ticking off the list gesture.] [Laughs]
New level unlocked, right?
KIM: [Laughs] Yeah.
COLLEEN: This is normal now.
KIM: New normal, I love it.
COLLEEN: So you can do new things with your pussy, right?
KIM: Yes. Absolutely. You mentioned anal play. Is there anything you’d like to share about your experiences with anal play? Was that an easy idea for you? Had you done that before? What did you notice happen?
COLLEEN: Anal play has been a huge journey. When we got married, Jessie got me a book on anal play and I said, “No, absolutely not. I don’t ever want to hear you talk about it again,” and I threw the book in the bin.
JESSIE: Just to clarify, it wasn’t just a book on anal. There were about half a dozen books that I got on sex.
COLLEEN: Tantra, oral sex.
JESSIE: Yeah, all this other stuff. And there just happened to be a book on anal sex, and that was the book that got thrown away. The other books were like, “Oh, that’s fine,” but they were pushed away as well.
KIM: But the anal one really got tossed across the room, like, “No fucking way.”
COLLEEN: Yeah. “No, this is not happening. The anus is dirty; it’s wrong. No, this is not happening.” I had justified it in my mind medically, “This is for waste products,” no. “I’m changing nappies all the time. I’m changing diapers. This is disgusting, no.”
And then I had this realization through the course of these practices that there was this deep shame. “I’m trying to hold my shit together. There’s all this shame and guilt and this feeling that I’m wrong stored in my anus.”
So we started playing with it. I started playing with butt plugs, doing some anal reconnaissance and not just vaginal reconnaissance. “Okay, I’m going to set a timer.” [Laughs] I spent a lot of time on the practices, probably a couple of hours. Two or three hours a day, early in the morning when the kids were sleeping. I said, “These are the practices that are comfortable. These are the practices that are okay. Pick one practice that is really, really uncomfortable, and then focus on that for a while and just see what shifts.”
So the anal reconnaissance was something very, very uncomfortable; lots of emotions came up, and I was crying, hating it, and then you just work through it. It comes up, and you breathe through it, talk about it, and then it comes up again.
It was something Jessie always had an interest in, and I would occasionally say, “Yep, we can do some anal play maybe once a year.”
JESSIE: Well, the funny thing is, if you consider the emotions and everything that’s stored in your butt, everything we talked about, it’s like, “Well, of course, it’s not going to be a good experience.” If you only like venturing into it once a year, there’s so much unpacking that you’ve got to do. It’s not going to be a good experience. Because you’re not working on all these other things that actually need to be worked on.
COLLEEN: It was such a block for me. It’s such a pleasure point for Jessie, and it is a pleasure point for me, but I still have continuing mind blocks around it. “Okay, my vagina is very wet. My body is very attracted. Let’s lean into this and see how we can get me out of my brain and into my body.”
But because we’ve done all this work on it, I’ve realized there are all these things to release. It means that I can give him anal pleasure. Because it’s something that he’s really interested in. And it means that we can find a lot more opening and pleasure with my bum as well.
KIM: So you’re both receiving anal play?
COLLEEN: Yes. Now it’s not a yearly thing. It’s something that we continuously work on on a regular basis.
KIM: By opening up that area of darkness and shadow, what have you noticed? What’s happening physically? Are you having pleasure? Anal orgasms? Both of you? And then what’s happening energetically and metaphorically for you?
JESSIE: Yes, we’re both getting pleasure from it differently. Definitely anal orgasms. I know there is stored energy or emotion that needs to come out.
I know I’m a lot more open to it. “Yeah, I need some anal play tonight on myself because I know there are some emotions that need to come out or there’s some energy that’s stuck and I can feel within myself that’s what needs to happen.” So then I’ll say, “Right, this is what I need.”
Then, from my perspective, I look at it and say, “Well, I know that’s what I need.” It’s really good for Colleen as well, being able to work through all of her things. It’s really noticeable because if she’s got a tight bum, she’s normally got a tight throat. Usually she’s got an open throat and an open bum. It’s just the way that it works.
“As a man, how can I penetrate you with that masculine energy, physically, emotionally, spiritually, to provide a space where you are open all the time?”
So, from my perspective, I’m thinking, “How do I keep you open? What are the practices and things that we can work on together? How can I penetrate you with that masculine energy, physically, emotionally, spiritually, to provide a space where you are open all the time?” As a man, there’s almost nothing more beautiful than seeing your woman open and being open to you, knowing that you are her sex space, her strong rock.
That’s from my perspective. Your perspective, love?
COLLEEN: It is one of the work-in-progress places for me. Before Anami, I had worked on squirting orgasms, and we were squirting. Now we’ve had all the things. Squirting orgasms, cervical orgasms, anal orgasms, nipple-gasms, throat orgasms. And the more I’m open and honest and dig deep, then the more I can be honest with myself and with the rest of the world. The anal play is one of the hardest places for me still to work on, and it is fantastic to see that opening.
As Jessie mentioned, there’s this connection between my throat and my vagina and my anus; the more open they are, the more open everything is. The more ease there is. There are conversations that I’m able to have. There’s forgiveness that I’m able to give when I’m getting rid of all the junk stuck in my bum. It allows me to be more open. Wow, to get rid of all that—I can go into the darkness and come out and say, “Okay, thank you.” I can see the gifts from the darkness and fill the darkness with light.
KIM: Would you say that, through being stimulated anally and penetrated there, you notice ideas, experiences, and memories come to the surface? Or is it more of an unconscious sort of integration where you feel the change afterward in your energy and behavior?
COLLEEN: At the moment, it’s been more subconscious, I guess. Not unconscious, but subconscious integration.
Some of the other healing tools, like going into the anus symbolically with visualizations—I used one of your crystal elixirs, and during the visualization, I said, “Oh, interesting. This is where my mind is going today, that we are going into the bum. Hm. Gross. Fantastic. Okay.” [Laughs]
It’s interesting to see what comes up specifically in the visualization because I was so used to being in my head, and it’s a huge practice to get back into my body. But I haven’t noticed visions of God in my bum yet.
JESSIE: No. I would say that it’s just too intense at the moment, if that makes sense. Energetically, it’s just not there. Yes. There’s too much to be worked through at a subconscious level, which is what we’re working through with these practices at the moment. We’re not at that point. Maybe in six months’ time.
KIM: How about the deeper vaginal orgasms? What have you noticed about them and their power for transformation?
COLLEEN: I love cervical orgasms. They are fantastic.
KIM: The God orgasm.
COLLEEN: Yeah. There are these beautiful visions. I had a vision of us creating universes while I was having the cervical orgasms, and then other ones about these beautiful, creative, powerful things.
I haven’t noticed specifically, “Okay, we have this orgasm, and then the next day something happens.” But these constant, daily, multiple orgasms—I’ve been working on myself for 20 years, from an intellectual and physical standpoint. But this got so deep so quickly, and there’s been so much healing in a lot of the relationships that I’ve found so difficult.
There’s been a lot of relationships where it was almost like, “I can’t be around you because I find you so difficult.” That’s all the projecting and woundedness.
“Cool, this is who I am. I am who I am; you can take it or leave it.” I love myself.
Now it’s at the point where I say, “Cool, this is who I am. I am who I am; you can take it or leave it.” I love myself, my husband, our life, and I have so much love for everybody else. I’ll give you an example. There’s a pattern that I saw a lot, growing up with salespeople—they try to convince you to buy things, so there’s this enmity that you’re dealing with everybody with a sense of, “You’re trying to swindle me.”
I noticed on a plane, every single person went out of their way to be kind and nice and complimentary and loving. Every person I dealt with. We have so much high-frequency energy, and you receive that back from strangers. From friends, family members, your kids, and your husband, everybody. It makes life really, really pleasant.
KIM: And you see that correlation between having these deep vaginal orgasms. Say that morning you have a cervical orgasm, and you go out in the day and notice that it’s like that energy is paving the way, or it precedes you. It’s been infused into your path and is creating this very blissful, harmonious, more heart-connected experience out in the world. The
COLLEEN: Definitely. I think, like Jessie said, this is our life now. I notice it more when we haven’t been intimate or we’ve been intimate but haven’t connected as well. I’ll say, “Huh, why are the kids misbehaving? Why am I grumpy? Why are these bad things … Oh. Okay, time to come back to ourselves. Time to come back to each other. Time to get connected. Time to reset.”
KIM: And then you reset? I love that.
COLLEEN: Every time, it takes just a little bit less for you to realize, “Yeah, it’s time to reset again.”
KIM: And how about for you, Jessie?
JESSIE: What, the cervical orgasms or just in general?
KIM: Well, your own depth of orgasmic experience. Has that gone deeper, become more profound, and then in the same way, what do you notice in the outside world as a result?
JESSIE: I think one of the big things I’ve noticed is making the unconscious conscious in the sense of being more aware of the energies involved when we’re making love. You become more aware of those energies on an intellectual level.
After morning sex he goes to conquer the world
We’ll have sex, and I’ll feel nourished, energized, and ready to do whatever needs to be done for the day. If it’s in the morning—
COLLEEN: He’ll conquer the world.
JESSIE: I’ll go conquer the world, basically. It’s remarkable. I do semen retention, but I’m not really, really diligent about it. I notice that there is a difference if we’re connected and have sex, and I haven’t ejaculated as opposed to when I do. You notice the energy drop-off. I’m not crashing, even if I do ejaculate, because I’m consciously harvesting energy when we’re making love.
But I do notice that there is an energy drop-off. Not so much, “Blah, now I’ve got to go to sleep because I’ve crashed,” but just enough that I can consciously say, “Hm, yep, that’s just a reminder that this is an energy release, so be conscious with it.”
For me, it’s definitely noticing how the sex and the energy harvesting that can happen when you’re connecting together energizes you. Then you go out into the day, conquer the world, do what you need to do, and just stay calm. I’m calm, centered, almost unflappable in a way.
“Even though there’s a storm of life going around me, I have a centering point. Your penis is your centering point.”
I have people I interact with, and they’ll make comments like, “Oh, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you angry,” or “I don’t think I’ve seen you blow up,” or “You’re great to work with.” Because nothing is a problem; everything can just get dealt with. Even though there’s a storm of life going around me, I have a centering point. Your penis is your centering point. You’re rich, and it’s your strength. All these things that we talk about in the salons. They’re actually true.
If you’re having good energy orgasms, connecting with your spouse or your partner, or even with yourself, if you harvest the energy and you bring that into yourself, it’s like, “Yeah, life almost doesn’t matter.” Whatever’s going on around you, the environment you’re in—you can be the steadying point. You’re not looking for something else to be the steadying point.
That’s probably my experience with that.
COLLEEN: I feel like you’ve also gotten physically more pleasure on your cock as well.
JESSIE: Oh yeah.
COLLEEN: Right? You don’t just teach a lot of the theory; you also teach a lot of these techniques, and there’s this ability to give and receive more pleasure. Your cock’s actually become more sensitive.
“My relationship to it has changed as well. I find it so much more beautiful and attractive and magnetizing and gorgeous than when I thought I was just having sex for you.”
JESSIE: [Laughs] You’re saying, “Let me touch it. I need that.” [Laughs]
COLLEEN: “Let me touch it. Can I just center myself?” [Laughs]
KIM: I love that. “Can I center myself? I need to touch your cock.” That’s beautiful.
JESSIE: We laugh about it, but the reality is, it actually does help. If I come home from work and it’s been a rough day—even if it’s just five minutes, that’s enough for me to calm down.
KIM: Five minutes of what? What do you do? You come home and need five minutes of kissing? Making out? A blow job? What would that look like?
JESSIE: Oh, any of the above, I guess. Kissing, a blow job.
“Like for Colleen, it might have been a rough day and she’ll say, “I need to suck your cock for five minutes and then go make dinner.”
Sometimes it turns into 45 minutes and then dinner is probably done. [Laughs]
I feel like you have made quite a few comments about having a visceral need for it.
COLLEEN: Yeah. I’m connected more to my desire. Even with all of this “work” that I’ve done, up until this year of Anami, it’s sort of been like yeah, my pussy is wet, but I’m not actually there. My body is desirous, but my brain isn’t connected to my body.
There’s just been this connection that’s happened in this last year. I actually do want your cock with my brain and body. There’s this connection and integration happening that had never happened before.
KIM: Fantastic. Is there anything else that you feel we haven’t covered?
COLLEEN: I feel like, for me, the biggest thing is the safe space to actually be where you are to do the work that you create with all of your practices. I love the way you pace your courses. You give us so many tools, and then we get almost overwhelmed, and then we’ve got an integration week. We’ve got a challenge week.
It has been fantastic, but it’s been this space to say, “Hey, how deep do you want to go?” The deeper you go, the deeper you will go, so the more that you’re honest with yourself and with your partner, the further you can go.
Band-Aids and quick fixes vs. permanent healing
But if you try to smooth over the issues that you think you see with Band-Aids or pills or whatever, then you’ve failed before you started. I feel like that’s really this beautiful thing that you’ve given us, all these tools, all this time, all of this community. Because there are lots of other people who share your struggles and your trials and are looking for a cheering section and who will celebrate your victories.
KIM: I love it. Thank you guys so much for sharing this intimate insight into your love and relationship. Is there anything you’d like to say in closing?
JESSIE: I would say that you get out what you put in. The more that you’re willing to put in, the more you’re willing to be more vulnerable with yourself and with your partner, the more you’ll get out of it. The only person holding you back is yourself. Those are my final words of wisdom.
KIM: Anything from you, Colleen?
COLLEEN: I would agree—do the work, but also, the things that you can do within the context of the community and the context when you’re doing the courses, when you’re doing the salons … There’s this beautiful ability to go higher than you can by yourself, if you’re ready to do the work.
If you want a quick fix, this is not where you want to go. But if you want to be radically transformed, then I highly, highly, highly recommend your courses. But only if you’re willing to show up.
KIM: Love it. It’s like going the route of okay, somebody wants to lose weight. Well, you can learn how to look at your diet and go to the gym and exercise, or you can go to your doctor and beg them for Ozempic. One of them is a quick fix with potentially disastrous long-term results. The other one is overhauling your whole way of life, but it’s a permanent solution.
Yeah. Love it. Thank you guys so much. There are a lot of really beautiful gems in here that I so appreciate you sharing.
***
If you’d like to learn how to do all these things, I have two suggestions for you:
1) Signup for my free 7-Day Sex Cleanse for Couples.
2) Enrol in my Coming Together for Couples Salon.
This is my 10-week online program which covers everything from communication skills and how to remove the blocks in your relationship, to how to have multiple orgasms, energy sex, Tantric lovemaking techniques, stamina building for him, and how to use your sexual energy for creativity, healing and turbo fuel your entire lives.
The CT Salon opens for registration in a couple of weeks.
To be notified of when we open the doors, go to Coming Together for Couples.
