180 Days of Sex – Transcript
Well-F**ked All-Stars Alexis and Mitchell made 2023 their year of Anami. They implemented pretty much every element of my philosophy and teachings into their lives and bed. Then they took it to the next level, Anami-style, by committing to six months of daily sex. As they say, it started as a 180-day pact, and now it’s just a way of living.
Before you protest, yes, they have children, three of them, and yet they still have sex every single day, usually twice a day, with multi-hour sex sessions, and the occasional quickie of 45 minutes.
In this episode, we will talk about how they managed and what it even looks like to have 180 days of sex with three children, fucking your reality into existence, and creating financial abundance and advancement via your bed. Thirty-six orgasms a day times 180 days. When semen retention becomes essential for sexual growth, orgasm telepathy, Sunday sessions, hour-long lingam and yoni massage every week, anal orgasms and anal enlightenment, foregoing alcohol and TV in pursuit of gourmet sex, women testing men, and morning sex. You can’t fuck the world if you don’t fuck in the morning.
Well-F**ked All-Stars Alexis + Mitchell
KIM: Welcome, Alexis and Mitchell, Well-F**ked Couple! It’s great to have you.
MITCHELL: Thank you.
ALEXIS: It’s nice to be here.
KIM: You got your Well-F**ked Couple trophy displayed somewhere in the room.
ALEXIS: Right. We need to put it up on the wall somewhere.
KIM: Yeah. I actually made some trophies. I was going to give them out for the FUKME awards of the year. I bought a sports trophy, and then I had two dildos on either side welded. I had it engraved with ?“FUKME Award Winner 2022.”
I didn’t end up doing it, but I could do it either way. Could be the FUKME awards of the year and then the Well-F**ked Couple awards of the year.
ALEXIS: That’s funny, because we were talking earlier and he said, “One thing I realized from this is just how many people have FUKME.” [Laughs]
MITCHELL: Most of the world.
KIM: So many people say that, especially couples. Because now that you have this common language to describe being well-fucked and under-fucked, you know the source of most people’s maladies—their bad moods, their road rage—is being under-fucked, and you can call it out. Well, that person clearly has FUKME or MUKME [laughs] or whatever we want to call it for men, but you can spot it now so easily. And you’re right, most people have it. Most people are operating at that under-fucked deficiency.
MITCHELL: For sure.
Sex Every Day for 180 Days
KIM: But not you guys. So tell us how it all came to be. One of the things that I love as such a great example of your commitment and dedication to really upleveling your relationship is that you committed to a sex-every-day pact for 180 days.
Tell us where you were, where you’ve come to, and then what transformations you saw within that six-month, incredible commitment.
ALEXIS: Okay. Yeah, so we talked about how before I started in Vaginal Kung Fu and also when I was in VKF, I hit a point where I realized that in order for things to go deeper and further between us—because we were having more sex, and I was bringing him into the things that I was working on—it would be best for us to work on it together.
One morning, he got home from the gym, and I was sitting at the kitchen counter, and he said, “Oh no. There’s a big conversation coming here.” That was when I was just really straight up with him about where I felt like we were sexually and what I thought was possible for us. I had been following you for years at that point. There was such transformation during VKF, and he knew I was doing it, and we had conversations about it.
But that day was the day he said, “All right.” It was at the end of VKF. He said, “Okay, I’ll do Coming Together for Couples.” It was the most exciting thing ever because we had more sex than a lot of people you talk to, but it was definitely junk food sex. We still fought about sex a lot. It was still a point of contention for us. Whether I wanted it and he didn’t, or he wanted it and I didn’t, and also just this infrequency thing that was going on. It’s crazy because it used to be like a chore. “Okay, we did all these other things today, now we have to check off the box for tonight.”
Now it’s like, “Should we have sex three or five times a day? [Laughs] How many times can we squeeze in?” He’s about to have off work the next three days, and we’re saying, “How many times can we do this?” [Laughs]
180 Days of Sex Even While Raising Three Children
KIM: And just so people know, when you say three to five times a day, how many children do you have?
ALEXIS: Three.
MITCHELL: Three.
KIM: And do they go to school, or do you homeschool?
ALEXIS: We homeschool, and our two older kids are in a bunch of sports, and we coach their sports too. Our days start at 4:30 and end whenever we’re done for the night. Definitely, that’s a really busy, busy schedule.
KIM: Could you paint a picture then of how—because people will be wanting to know—you make the time? A key word is make the time. But what’s an example of how you might carve time out, given your other responsibilities, for you to be able to have sex three times in a day? What might that look like?
MITCHELL: It’s not a set schedule, but given the other responsibilities and activities, it’s like, this is the available time. We typically get up really early and go to the gym. Then I have about an hour before I have to go to work, so every morning when we get home from the gym, we do it.
ALEXIS: The gym is a little foreplay, too, because we’re eye-fucking each other from across the room. [Laughs] We’re all ramped up by the time we get home.
MITCHELL: We’re sending dirty texts to each other. [Laughs]
KIM: [Laughs] You finish your squats, and you’ve got this sexy ass selfie in your phone coming up.
ALEXIS: Yep.
KIM: I love it.
MITCHELL: It’s great. [Laughs] A lot of times I leave work early and then we have practice with the kids or multiple practices, so we may not get home till close to eight. Then we have to feed them and get them down. Once we get them down, then that’s our time again to do that.
During the week, it’s a solid at least twice a day. Then the weekend is just whenever. I think yesterday she said, “How many times for tomorrow? There’s no reason we can’t be sick.” [Laughs]
ALEXIS: I said, “We could like, you know, have these little windows here and there. We could just fit it in.” But it’s funny, because when we made our schedules and stuff like that, the morning sex wasn’t ever planned to be a thing. We had our evening sex dates scheduled out, and it was get the kids down by eight so that we can get right into our time together.
The morning thing just happened. After a few months, we realized, “We are having sex every morning,” because it was just spontaneous and happening around the same time, but I think the big thing, especially with the evenings, is that we don’t do anything else to fill that time. Before, we’d watch shows or we would be on our phone for a little bit just to decompress. We’d be on our phones right next to each other. We’d end up doing that, whether it was watching a show together or “whatever,” even texting. Then it would be nine out of nowhere and we’d both be half dead and the sex wouldn’t be what it is now.
It’s funny because I told him at the beginning, “Yeah, I’m listening to all these podcasts, and these people are having sex for three hours a night and stuff.” He said, “That sounds impossible. I’m so tired right now, I couldn’t imagine having sex for three hours.”
But it’s because at the time, it was this thing that required effort instead of being something that was giving us something back.
MITCHELL: Yeah, after the gym, I feel like I start out the day better than anybody.
KIM: Yes. With the proverbial bang. Yeah.
MITCHELL: Yeah.
KIM: Better than coffee, meditation, all combined.
MITCHELL: Yeah. You can feel the energy just flowing through.
Prioritizing Sex
KIM: I love what you said about the evenings because I even notice for myself. I’m a really early riser, and then I have a point in the evening where if I start doing something like looking at my phone, I can drain my energy really fast. But if I keep active and engaged, my energy will stay up. I can see how people can rationalize, “Oh, they’re looking at their phone; an hour later they’re both tired and ready for bed.” “Oh, we’re too tired to have sex.”
But you’ve inserted that discipline and that habit of, “Okay, kids are off to bed; we’re in it. We’re on. It’s on, baby. Shut the door, clothes off, here we go.”
I think so much of it comes down to that discipline and commitment; you have to reframe your mindset, and like you said—and something I’m always driving home with people—think about your sex life as something that gives you energy and recharges you.
If you have that old, stale idea that, “Oh, okay, I don’t have the energy to have sex; I’m already so tired,” and if you’re not feeling energized after sex, you’re doing it wrong. You go to plug in and recharge with each other.
I say to people, “You ought to feel like you can go to the gym after you have sex.” Then you’ve revved up your energy, you’ve revitalized yourselves, you’ve energized yourselves, and you feel incredible and blissed out; that is how we’re meant to feel after having sex. Anything other than that is a diversion from the path of what sex is meant to be.
I love that you’ve created that whole reframe.
Connection Dates Are Key
ALEXIS: Yeah. There have been times where we started a lingam or something like that, and I said, “Oh, I’m so tired. This is going to be pretty mediocre; maybe we could cut it off at 45 minutes.” Then those nights will be our most mind-blowing.
It hits us out of nowhere once the energy starts moving and we start getting into it and reconnecting after the whole day, because we are separated all day. After we have sex in the morning, he’s at work all day, and I’m homeschooling the kids. We’re running them over to different sports, coaching different things, so that is really our time to plug back in and re-ground. Reset from all the things.
MITCHELL: Yeah. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, we do connection dates, and after the connection dates, we always have great sex. When there’s a deep connection or a deep connection date, the sex that follows is always pretty mind-blowing.
ALEXIS: Always top-notch.
MITCHELL: Pretty epic.
ALEXIS: Yeah. I’ve had a lot of people who ask, “Well, what about a time that you’re just not into it and don’t want to force it?” and stuff like that. I say, “Have a 20-minute connection date first and it’ll flow.” That’s really what works for us. That’s one thing that’s never wavered the whole time; when we have a good connection date, every session after that is just epic and could go on forever. Even the stamina is better, the erection is better, the orgasms are bigger; everything is just way more intense.
KIM: That’s a great point, and for anyone who may not know the Anami lingo, a connection date is what I refer to as a date that you set with your partner, and it’s all about clearing the glass. It’s talking, communicating, getting things off your chest, out of the ethers that may be lingering, and clearing that space. After having a real clearing space conversation, people can’t keep their hands off each other. Like you’re saying, it even leads to a deeper sex date and a more powerful sex date.
I always say the body is the barometer. If a couple has an argument at breakfast time and doesn’t really resolve it, they try to have sex at night, and then maybe he’s not very hard or he comes very quickly, she doesn’t get wet, she doesn’t orgasm—and they don’t connect it.
You’re showing examples of the opposite—when you do clear those things, then the body is even more responsive, more powerful, and a channel for the deep desire and love that you have for each other because you opened up the heart, which then reflects in an opened-up body.
ALEXIS: Yeah. When we’re on a really good streak of great connection dates and staying connected throughout the day as much as we can and whatnot, he physically looks different to me. When I look at him, he looks taller and more solid and this stuff. I know he’s not actually changing, but the first few times, I said, “Am I going a little crazy?” But no, it’s legitimate. He looks different to me. It’s definitely reflected in the sex.
There was definite growth. [Laughs] I have to say in CCT, there was for sure growth—width, length, curvature—all around. It’s funny because we refer to it as the 100% cock.
The 100% Cock
KIM: 100% cock? How do you mean that?
ALEXIS: Yeah, the 100% cock because there are times when he could come in at 70, maybe 80%. But when you hit that 100%, there’s nothing like it. There was this one session we had, and afterward he said, “How do you feel?” I said, “ I would do anything for you.” [Laughs] Dickmatized. I was just slayed. It was done.
But yeah, it’s definitely been a reflection of the growth that we went through and how much closer we’ve been and how much more he stepped up in our relationship throughout our journey.
KIM: I love that example because I talk about occupying our body parts. When we’re fully inhabiting our sexual energy and our body parts, we get that showing up. Men’s cocks grow; they become solidified. Our vaginas become more luscious and sumptuous; women’s breasts grow. They even create facelifts because all of their energy is literally getting uplifted.
I love hearing these physical examples of what’s happening energetically.
MITCHELL: Definitely better than Netflix.
KIM: Right. [Laughs]
MITCHELL: People at work the next day ask, “What did you watch last night?” “I didn’t watch anything.”
KIM: I watched my gorgeous wife’s ass up in the air for two hours straight while I was fucking her doggie style, and she was having life-changing orgasms. That’s what I watched.
ALEXIS: Yeah. And you know, the thing is, people almost don’t believe it. He’ll tell people at work about the frequency and stuff and they’ll say, “Most married couples don’t do that. That’s not normal,” blah, blah, blah. I’ll say, “Maybe not for you.” [Laughs] It’s definitely normalized in this household.
We used to fight about sex a lot, and it was because I always had a really high sex drive. The quintessential insatiable thing. And in my experience in life, most men say they want someone who wants sex all the time until they get it and then they can’t keep up. And then it’s this ego hit, and they don’t know what to do with themselves.
There was one point in CCT, maybe five weeks in, where retention became a big topic in the call, and he said, “I don’t know how this is going to go, but everything else has worked so far, so I’m going to try it.” The retention alone has just been a—
MITCHELL: Gamechanger.
ALEXIS: Gamechanger. Foundation and gamechanger. We couldn’t do this without it. I couldn’t imagine.
MITCHELL: I’ve tried to explain that to people, and they’ll basically make fun of me. “Do you have blue balls?” Like it’s just a crazy concept. And I’ll say, “You fuck like what? Once, twice a month?”
ALEXIS: We meet your yearly quota in a week.
MITCHELL: You do it your way.
ALEXIS: But it makes so much sense now.
KIM: What was it before? You’re saying retention was a key component for you, so presumably that’s Mitchell being able to last longer and control whether he orgasms. Where were you with that, where are you now, and what has that allowed? What has facilitated the blossoming of your relationship? Before, after, and what happened?
MITCHELL: Yeah. I guess before, it was probably anywhere from 5 to 15 minutes, and I came every time. And that was it.
ALEXIS: Came as in ejaculated.
MITCHELL: Yeah. And then went to sleep.
ALEXIS: Yeah, passed out. [Laughs]
MITCHELL: With the retention, the stamina thing is a huge thing, but also the frequency. Anytime there’s that opening or window in the day to be able to do something, it’s almost infinite, 100% ready to go. There’s no way we’re not doing it that way.
It’s such a big change, I think, especially for a man to not do that because it’s like your whole life, you’re almost conditioned that this is what you do. Then when that happens, it’s over. Retraining your mind and your body—anything new can be scary.
I wanted to do it because everything you said had worked, so I said, “I guess I’ve got to try that.” But part of me inside said, “I don’t know if I can do this.”
And then after the first three or four days, it was noticeably different energetically, and then maybe 70% to 100%.
And then being able to get to the cervical orgasm, just some of the deeper vaginal orgasms, like if you’re not at that high threshold and have the stamina to keep going long enough, that’s never going to happen. It’s just never going to happen. A lot of it had to do with that too. I wanted to be able to do that for her too. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasn’t done it how you feel. You talk about it in some of your podcasts and then some of your courses, but it’s like being on drugs. You’re high. It’s a full-body high. Sometimes you can’t feel your body, or you just have so much energy, but it’s amazing.
ALEXIS: Yeah. It’s hard to explain it. Energetically, he feels more solid since practicing semen retention. You can tell when he’s gone for longer periods of time. It feels like he can, I don’t know, hold things better. I don’t know how else to explain it.
Even during sex, it’s easier to let go because he’s got it. I don’t have to worry about things because I know that he’s solid.
KIM: Yeah. Go on.
MITCHELL: I was just going to say, I have little checkpoints. The first four days are something. The first week is something. Ten to 14 is something. Three weeks. But a lot of the stuff you talk about, about being able to breathe deeply and relax and not tense your body up, after you’ve been doing that—you don’t have to worry about anything not working 100%, once you’ve been practicing that. It makes a lot of the other things easier that you talk about, too.
It’s Imperative for Men to Develop Stamina
KIM: Yeah. I always say the key sexual skill for men to develop is stamina. By develop, I mean to have full control over when and if they come, and ultimately, they’re aiming for the best of all possible worlds, which is to learn to orgasm without ejaculation. When you say retention, they’re retaining their semen. Not having that energy drain, which is essential for women to reach the life-changing, deeper vaginal orgasms. They need sustained penetration and at an intense level so that you can be at a really high threshold of sexual ecstasy and be able to keep going.
Because if you can’t and you bail out, it’s game over, for one, but also, then it creates this energy where she can’t trust you to open up and really surrender and go into these deep places because you could just bail at a moment’s notice, and then it’s all done.
That is a typical pattern in most relationships, even if a couple isn’t consciously aware of it. They don’t even know how to identify it. It’ll just start manifesting in a bitter, critical, naggy, under-fucked woman who then begins to avoid sex because she’s not getting her needs met, but there doesn’t seem to be a way out in terms of that improving. She doesn’t know, or they both don’t know, the deeper, life-changing pleasures of vaginal orgasms and why it is so important to be having marathon sex and longer sex dates.
I always laugh because in media, movies, TV, the average sexual encounter— because of the brevity of the medium—is 20 seconds, 30 seconds, a minute. I guess it would be nice if there were things they could do to make it look as though some hours have gone by. But often the encounters really are like two dogs on the street having sex for minutes, and that’s it, if even that. And that’s it.
That’s the model that we all get given for what a sexual encounter looks like. That is reflected statistically, where 75% of men ejaculate within three minutes of penetration. That means that 75% of women are under-fucked. And I’d say the number is even higher because the next segment is probably like 95% of men come within five minutes. We’re talking about very few couples having sex of any substance or length.
ALEXIS: Yeah. That was a big thing that I had to overcome when we started doing this; just from sexual experiences forever, I thought, “I take too long to orgasm, and they’re going to bail before this happens.”
KIM: So by “take too long,” you’re thinking, “I take six minutes or longer.”
ALEXIS: Like 20 minutes.
KIM: Yeah. Not like three hours.
Transcendent Orgasms when He Commits and She Surrenders
ALEXIS: It doesn’t take that long now. [Laughs] We’ve definitely got the neural pathways all going. Yeah, there were times early on where we’d be having a sex session with toys or whatever we were doing and I couldn’t fully relax because in my mind, I said, “If I let myself get close and then he stops, I’m going to be really frustrated.” “If his forearms burn out or he gets bored with it,” or whatever it is, and he had to talk me through it, early on. “The worst thing that’s going to happen is you’re going to have a great orgasm. Everything is fine. I’ve got it.”
Then I worried about, “Maybe this has been going on for so long, so maybe I should tell him to stop and then let’s do something else,” and I would try to do that sometimes. I would try to say, “Let’s put the toys away and do this,” and he’d say, “No, we’re getting this done. This is going to happen first.”
It took doing that for a little bit for me to be able to relax and realize, “I’m not going to be left hanging in this situation.” Then it got to the point where I said, “He’s going to be able to talk me into an orgasm.” [Laughs] It’s just going to be the words, because that was so big for us, too. I think you talked about it in the last podcast, about how, when you’re trying to have these deeper sessions and the deeper intimacy and the orgasms, you come up to a precipice and then you have to choose to keep going.
I would come up to that and freak out a little bit and then he’d talk me down and we’d keep going, and that was what we had to do for a while. Even him just being able to sense that I was coming up on that and that I needed him to ground me and settle things was transformative for our relationship.
KIM: I love that. When you mention that precipice, to clarify for people, it’s like you get to this point with the deeper vaginal orgasms where it feels like you need to jump off a cliff. You need to totally surrender, let go of all control, and be in full, raw vulnerability to pass through this portal into these deeper, transcendent orgasms. Many women will instinctively contract and pull back from that precipice. I talk about needing to consciously jump over it and jump through it, and I love that part of your process was recognizing that and then collectively working together to build that trust and courage to be able to go through.
There’s Nothing on TV Better than Sex
MITCHELL: We were talking earlier about not watching TV, not being on your phone, because that totally disassociates you from yourself and from each other too. Even if someone did that for an hour, I feel like it would take way longer and it would be way harder to get into that type of space.
It’s not like we said, “Hey, we’re never going to watch TV again,” but we really just don’t want to.
ALEXIS: We have better things to do. [Laughs]
MITCHELL: There’s nothing on TV better than sex. [Laughs] So many things people do all day just numb out and disassociate them.
ALEXIS: Yeah. That was big for us too. There was a point with the holidays and stuff, during that season this last year, after we went through all the courses, and some old habits were coming up of dissociation or disconnection. We could tell. We were still having sex, trying to have our connection dates, but you could tell that it was different. It wasn’t CCT-level connection and stuff like that.
We went through that. Everything came to a head, and there ended up being a few big arguments. We tried to stay connected during it; we tried to stick to our connection dates. We were still having sex, and we just knew what it felt like to be in that space together. We had a standard to get back to.
It was almost like after we got through that, we hit a new level. It’s almost like our connection dates are deeper now. We can even be more radically honest with each other because we’re being more honest with ourselves about things that we didn’t recognize in ourselves before.
Even when things weren’t all puppy dogs and rainbows and good stuff, it still only lasted a few weeks, and we came out of it way, way closer than we were when we were in CCT because we had the tools and the frame of reference. We knew how to get there. We just had to do it.
KIM: Right, yeah.
MITCHELL: It’s like the meaning of your name, Anami; you always have to keep leveling up. It just illustrates and highlights that when you get somewhere, if you don’t stay true to the work and do the work, there will be a drop-off, and it illustrates the importance of always staying in that and leveling up. Get deeper, get better. Personally and interpersonally.
ALEXIS: Yeah.
KIM: I love that.
Hour-Long Yoni & Lingam Massages
ALEXIS: Even the lingam massages and the yoni massages and stuff. We were having a lot of fun in the CCT community and talking to everybody and stuff while we were in it. There were a lot of times when we said, “We can’t do it because of this; we couldn’t do it because of that,” but no matter what now, we have been religious with that. An hour yoni massage, an hour lingam massage, on schedule. If we miss it, we make up for it. There has been no messing with that. It has happened the whole time, and I think just having a handful of things that are happening consistently the whole time to keep you on track, you can only veer off so much.
KIM: Does that mean that you have a certain schedule, like a quota, of yoni and lingam massages that you do every week, no matter what?
ALEXIS: Yes. It’s an hour each time.
MITCHELL: Every Sunday night.
ALEXIS: Every Sunday night.
KIM: Every Sunday night. Explain to me why that tool specifically has been so important for you guys in terms of connection and whatever else it’s doing for you.
MITCHELL: The consistency helps. I’ve always considered her way more woo-woo than me, especially a few years ago, but she’s really good about finding spots that need it and moving energy around my body. It just makes me feel better and, especially once she gets to the cock part, the buildup of that going into sex or making her squirt several times before sex even starts—the oven’s hot.
ALEXIS: It’s nice, too, because it’s like a set time where one person is giving and the other person is receiving. That’s just 100% what’s happening. One person is 100% giving, and the other person can completely let go and 100% receive. It’s crazy because you’re always excited when it’s your turn, but just being the giver and being able to give that attention and move that around—yeah. That’s really enjoyable too.
I think it helps both of us get to a point where we’re able to consistently have an hour where we can just completely relax and let go and receive from the other person. I think it just feeds into the other ways that we’re giving, receiving, giving, receiving, sexually and non-sexually.
MITCHELL: Even physically, especially if a guy is circumcised—you don’t know what you don’t know, but you definitely have some numb spots if you’ve been circumcised. Really, going through CCT and Sexual Mastery for Men helped a lot with my sensitivity.
ALEXIS: Yeah. It’s like how you talk about vaginas going numb; he had a similar issue, and I didn’t even know. I didn’t know he had this, and we didn’t even realize the full extent of it until we started doing the lingam massages. He said, “Oh, I don’t feel things here. I don’t feel things there.” Through doing the lingam massages and the retention and everything else, the sensitivity has just gone way up for both of us.
KIM: That’s amazing to hear. I love the ritual and commitment to doing the regular yoni lingam massage. For some people, receiving is really difficult. They find it easier to be a giver, and they are almost held down, timed, and forced to receive. Some people say, “What? That’s not hard for me.” But there are people who find that very difficult and who become almost the primary givers, whether it’s men or women, because they’re not comfortable receiving. That could be from a number of different reasons, from self-worth to past trauma, because when you receive like that, you really have to go inward and be present with your body, present with sensations, present with potential emotional reactions that might come out of you.
They are profoundly healing and one of the best ways to really love and adore your partner. I always say our genitals really are the essence of who we are. When you’re truly adoring that part of your partner, you’re lighting them up. You’re seeing them in the deepest way that they can be seen. There’s something so profoundly, cataclysmically nurturing and healing about that.
I love that that’s part of your repertoire.
When Things Feel Stuck, Bring on Anal
ALEXIS: Yeah. That’s one of the things, too—being able to do this work together and use that in the sexual act to move things and work through things emotionally is just insane.
A few weeks ago, I was having a hard time dealing with something that whole week. He said, “We need to have anal.” I said, “Ah, you know, you’re just trying to get that. We don’t have time for that this week; we’re not going to do it.” He said, “No, no, I think we really need to do it.” And he was right.
KIM: Let me give a little background here because I talk about anal in the salons as bringing out the big guns. I’m reinforcing Mitchell’s perspective here that it’s not just, “Here’s a good chance to get anal.” No, Kim’s advice would be that when things feel really stuck, like a stick up the ass thing, you go to this place of our hidden shit, and you stir it up, and you fuck it out of you.
Anyway, carry on.
ALEXIS: Yeah, yeah. It was crazy because we had obviously, since doing CCT, done anal here and there. I, during anal, had big G-spot squirting orgasms. I said, “This is crazy, and this is cool; we’re super into it.” And it does get really deep. I always feel a million times better and lighter after, but this particular time, all week he said, “You need this,” and I said, “No, I don’t.”
Then we decided to do it that weekend, and I had my first anal-gasm. You talk about them existing, so I knew it existed, but you don’t know until it happens. And it happened, and it was insane. It went on for like 10 minutes. He got up, went to the bathroom, came back, and I said, “I’m still having an orgasm right now. My whole body is radiating right now. This is amazing.”
But it was crazy because after that, the whole issue that I had been working on that week, I said, “What issue? [Laughs] Nothing to see here.” He was definitely right.
KIM: Very good prescription via Mitchell. Great assessment and diagnosis of the treatment.
ALEXIS: Thank you.
MITCHELL: Well, my initials are MD, so.
KIM: [Laughs] Well earned. Well earned. We have such a great picture of where you are and the flow you’re in, which I love. Give us a bit of a contrast to where you were before. I know you were having a lot shorter sex sessions; you were having vibrator clitoral orgasms. You just described a very beautiful, transcendent anal-gasm, but describe more about the length of your sex dates and the types of orgasms you’re having. Let’s give a little more fleshed-out detail of some of those transitions and changes.
MITCHELL: Honestly, at the time, especially several years ago, we were drinking every night. We were staying up doing that, and that’s totally dissociating in itself.
To a normal person, or a normal couple, two to four times a week is a good week, whatever. But it would just be dissociated, much quicker, and definitely not as intimate. Definitely no retention or anything like that and then no type of deep orgasms, like G-spot, A-spot, cervical, or anything like that. Now, she’s had one from us kissing.
ALEXIS: I’ve had a few from us kissing. [Laughs]
MITCHELL: Just the level of connection, it’s not even comparable.
It’s funny because it’s like this has only been going on for two months short of a year, and we look back at that and say, “I can’t believe that’s what we were doing.” Thank God we figured this out in our thirties. We feel so bad for people who never find this. It’s never too late, but I’m glad we found it much earlier in our relationship than much later.
I think I told you at the end of CCT on the phone, I wish I could send you a gift or do something, so I hope my endorsement of your work is gift enough. Everything you’ve done has transformed us personally and our entire relationship.
I feel like a lot of people always think they know what to do. I’m Type A, in sales. I trust myself hard. To just let go and trust in what you were saying, what you were doing, that was a big obstacle for me. Maybe it’s a big obstacle for others too, but yeah, anybody listening, listen to Kim. [Laughs]
ALEXIS: [Laughs] Yeah, it works. But even when we were having sex before, we were not present during it. The level of lubrication was way lower. Obviously, no G-spot, no vaginal orgasms whatsoever. We were both distracted. Eye contact during sex, just the idea of doing that, I said, “Ugh.” [Laughs] That’s way too—
KIM: “That’s intimate. That’s really too intimate for sex.”
ALEXIS: “Way too much for me.” Now, it’s just such a normal thing for us. It’s interesting because there was this one session where there had recently been a conversation about it, and I said, “Oh man, make it a point to make eye contact this session,” and I realized I was struggling with it. I’d do it for a second, and then I’d look away. And I’d do it, and then I’d look away. Then I forced myself. I said, “We’re not going to do this; we’re going to maintain eye contact.” As soon as I made the decision, I had this giant orgasm. As soon as I made the decision to do that, then we were there, and we were together, and I had that giant orgasm.
But yeah, even BDSM stuff, we had played with that before in a very unconscious way. We both knew, “Oh, this is interesting. Want to dip into this stuff?” And we played with it, and it was okay, but it was not whatever we had hyped it up in our head that it was going to be like. Then we put that aside for years.
Back during CCT, we said, “Oh, we’re going to pick this back up again.” And it’s been great. It’s been amazing to see him be in that role and to feel the surrender in that way. The way he put it when we were talking about it at the beginning of CCT was that I could be “an intimidating little lady,” [laughs] is what he said.
I can be very intense. Regardless of what’s going on with us outside of the bedroom, that’s the one place where that’s not happening. He’s taking on that leading role, and I’m in that whole surrender.
We’ve played with certain different kinks and stuff that most people probably don’t even know they’re into. It’s like every time we go one step further, we say, “Maybe this will be the precipice,” and then we do it, and then it turns out really well, and we say, “No, no, we can still go further with this.”
It’s even translated into our lives. We do fun things, like a list of things that I need to get done every day to take care of myself, and it turns into this reward system. It’s been amazing, and like I said, we tried this before. We already had all the equipment.
KIM: All the gear.
ALEXIS: Yeah, we had all the gear from years ago, but it wasn’t right. It wasn’t like this. It’s like we were playing a role. Now we’re like, I don’t know.
MITCHELL: Well, one of the big things with you, Kim, is polarity, and we had good polarity on most other levels, like breadwinner, I go to the gym all the time, still play sports. Anyway, those types of things I’m pretty easy at. Then her taking care of the kids, homeschooling, taking care of the house.
But in the bedroom, especially with BDSM, that was one thing, I don’t know, it was almost reversed. It was easier for her to do it that way than me.
Anyway, I guess what you helped with is the polarity, even in that aspect. That’s totally changed for me. Before, I wasn’t able to be like that, but the polarity shift with that, especially with BDSM, it’s night and day transformed.
KIM: When you said you weren’t able to be like that, how do you mean? Do you mean extra dominant?
MITCHELL: Extra dominant. I’m alpha with everything, but I wasn’t super-alpha with the BDSM before.
KIM: I would say it’s conscious BDSM, and really, at the heart of it are the archetypal roles of—you said the word polarity—feminine energy, surrender and submission, masculine energy of dominance and taking control. Conscious BDSM play is an incredible way to exaggerate these polarities and explore these energies more deeply, get more comfortable inhabiting them, and exist in them.
I love that it was that for you because I think that happens for most people. They have a really superficial understanding of what BDSM is, and they go about it, but without that deeper heart and intention in it, it’s just not that effective or fun.
The Desire for an Alpha Male
ALEXIS: Yes, yes. I’m over the moon with the way that things have gone with that because it was something I wanted for a long time, and I knew I had a desire for that type of play. I knew that he had a really hard time doing it. There was even a point where I said, “Oh my god, what if we’re not compatible?” And we were already married. Married and together forever. I said, “What if this is something that’s never going to be able to happen and I know it’s something I really want?”
MITCHELL: I was going to say I think it was hard before, just a lot of it, with my job, just making decisions all day and just wanting to relax and not kick it into that gear. I don’t know if that makes sense, but now I use that as a means and a method to help me with other things in my life. I can take that energy and almost project that alpha and that dominance into other areas. It just leaks into other areas of my life, so it’s almost like an opposite effect.
KIM: Right. Alexis has a really strong, powerful female energy. A woman in that position needs her man to be able to rise up and overtake her at times. If she’s coming in at a 10, he needs to come in at a 15 at times and hold her down and really, in a way, soothe and fuck some of that stuff out of her, in the best possible way.
When you talk about craving that, I understand that, and I think all strong women feel that, and they need a man to be able to rise up and take control in a really dominant way at times, and especially at times in the bedroom, to really lead and occupy that strength and power. I’m glad that has been useful for you.
ALEXIS: Yeah. And it’s funny because one of the things that you talk about a lot is women testing men. I never realized that’s what I was doing. Over time, I can see all these incidents where I was doing that. “Are you going to break? Are you going to snap? Are you not going to be solid in this?”
It’s funny because you can even see that reflected in some of our sex sessions. There was this one session that we were having, and I said, “Okay, we’re going to do this, but we’ll just do it for a few minutes and then we’ll get back in later.” The session started, and I said, “I’m going to push him by doing stuff that I know he really likes and make it hard for him to retain, and he’s going to have to tap out.”
I was doing it. I was laying it on thick. I was doing all the things. And he looked at me and said, “You’re messing with me right now. You’re testing me right now.” He doubled down, and that turned into one of the most epic sessions because he said, “Okay, if you’re going to push me, I’m doubling down.” It was great.
KIM: How did that feel for you? I can see the smile on both your faces. How did that feel?
MITCHELL: It always feels good to pass a test from a female. I guess before, something like that just wouldn’t have happened. It would’ve ended some weird way or, I don’t know, it definitely wouldn’t have ended in ecstasy, that’s for sure. [Laughs]
ALEXIS: [Laughs] Yeah. It’s like every time that happens, things just feel more solid and he feels more solid, and I can relax more and then open up more because another thing—vulnerability was a huge block for me. The radical honesty thing—oh my gosh—that was huge in the relationship, and it was huge for me because I could be radically honest about all types of things except for when it required being super vulnerable about something.
For him, he had not been radically honest because of trying to keep the peace. It created this sense that he wasn’t being 100% with me all the time. “I don’t know what you’re lying about, but you’re lying about something.” It could’ve been something stupid, like he didn’t like the dinner I cooked the night before. I didn’t know what it was, but I knew there was something.
I feel like, because of that, I couldn’t fully trust him and lean into him because I don’t know what’s going on in his head. I could think things were one way, but they could be totally different because God knew what was going on in his head. It’s crazy because I didn’t even realize that I had that low-grade worry until we started the radical honesty. Until we started that, and it was gone. I feel like I can trust everything he says right now. I feel like I can trust everything that comes out of him.
Even stupid stuff like, “I didn’t like the dinner,” or “I don’t like that dress.” I don’t care what it is. I want you to be 100%. I want to know. I want to know all the things because it’s really calming for me.
I know there were a lot of people who talked about that in CCT and whatnot, especially with their male partners, where they said, “If I do this, I’m going to hurt his feelings or his ego, or it’s going to do this and that.” He can feel something. Something is happening already. Because I thought that for a while too, before I came to him about CCT and whatnot, but it’s almost like treating your partner like a child. Like they are a grown adult and can’t handle what you’ve got to say to them, and that’s almost insulting. It’s almost disrespectful. It’s more respectful for you to say, “Hey, this is how things are. What are we going to do about it?”
MITCHELL: Well, it’s definitely easy to have things just snowball in your head. You can create whatever reality, good or bad, in your head about something. Maybe you thought something was one thing in your head but then when you talked about it, it was totally different, type deal.
KIM: Yeah, yeah. Clarity, and then there’s something I call the lie of a lie. You were saying, Alexis, that it doesn’t matter if you don’t tell the whole truth because, on some level, the other person already knows. Whether they just feel that as some interference field or they can’t trust you because they know you’re holding something back, that’s already creating interference in the relationship.
The way we talk about the connection dates, truth is the greatest aphrodisiac; it actually leads to more depth and connection and arousal and turn-on. I would rather know the truth about something and deal with it than feel this energy of trepidation and cowardice; that becomes woven into the fabric of the relationship as a tacit agreement of don’t ask/don’t tell, versus the liberation of fully just owning who you are and what you have to say and getting it out there.
ALEXIS: Yeah. Him being radically honest definitely has helped me have more respect for him. I definitely look at him differently, like I think it was SMM or something, where there was a video about it, but it also said they were addressing issues, too. A lot of times women feel like they carry the emotional burden, and if there’s an issue, they have to bring it up, they have to address it, all of these things.
I didn’t realize that I was doing that until he started doing it, too. Until he started carrying some of that weight too. I’m lighter because I’m not the only one doing this, and I can trust that if there’s something going on with him, he’s going to come to me and say something about it, so I don’t have to wonder, “Does he actually secretly hate me?” [Laughs] Whatever it is that people worry about.
One of the things that you had asked earlier, and I guess we never actually got to it, was about the sex sessions now compared to how they were before. There were no vaginal orgasms. We were really disconnected. We weren’t present. They were short sessions. We had to bust out the vibrator for clitoral orgasms.
Now, I have had G-spot squirting orgasms from us kissing. I’m always wearing a dress with nothing underneath it because that is the Anami way, and that is the only way to live. Open access, coming home from work, and making out in the kitchen, in the corner, really quick and stuff like that.
The orgasms built up over time. At first, it could only happen with toys, as in like the deep vaginal orgasms. We said, “Okay, G-spot orgasms aren’t happening with toys.” Then it happened during sex randomly, out of nowhere. We said, “Oh, look, this is possible too.”
Then it started happening quicker. Now it’s to the point where, even if we just have a 10-minute, 15-minute sex session in the morning, in between the gym and trying to get ready, I’m still having three-plus orgasms during that 10-minute sex session. It’s almost like right away, I get one out of the way really quick and then I keep going with it.
During our longer sessions, I can’t even—
MITCHELL: She can’t keep up.
ALEXIS: Yeah. We literally can’t. There was one point where we were trying to count, and we knew that there were at least three dozen a day. Then we had to stop. We just couldn’t keep up with it anymore. [Laughs]
KIM: You couldn’t keep counting.
ALEXIS: Yeah. And then we’d say, “How many do you think that is?” “Honestly, I’m not even fully with it right now.” I couldn’t even tell you. It’s into oblivion, I can tell you that. It’s funny because you talk about being really mentally connected and stuff, and there was this one time where I had a thought that, “Oh my god, this is so good, I might pass out.” And right after that, he said, “It’s like you’re going to pass out from this.” Right after I had the thought, he said it. I said, “Ah! We’re definitely mind-melding here.”
MITCHELL: All the sessions run together.
ALEXIS: Yeah. It’s not like, “Oh, we had sex this morning, that’s one. We had sex tonight, that’s two.”
MITCHELL: It’s just a constant flow. Honestly, it’s hard to even recollect everything because it’s just ongoing all the time. You talk about staying in that high state of simmer.
ALEXIS: Yeah, the simmer-simmer. It’s funny because he had to travel for work last week, and so he was gone for a few days. It was our first break of sex since this whole thing happened, since we started doing this. By the third day, we said, “This is for the birds; we can’t do this anymore.” But then when he got back, it was so intense that we said, “Okay, maybe the break was good for us because we’ve been all over each other for a year.” Maybe it was good to have a few days to build that back up.
Yeah, we’re still having sex every day. That sex pact was big for us because it helped us get into the flow of things.
MITCHELL: I think it was good for building some trust with her and confidence in myself.
ALEXIS: Confidence that we could do it and stick with it. There were definitely times at the beginning where it felt like, “Okay, we have to get ourselves into this.” But then it came to a point a couple of months in where we knew we were never going to stop this. It started as a 180-day pact, and now it’s just this way of living.
I prefer it at night, and he prefers it in the morning, and it’s funny because it’s like our night sessions feed into the morning sessions, and the morning sessions feed into the night sessions. If we miss one, like a morning or night session, we will feel the difference in how our day goes and how our next session goes, because it’s not flowing as much.
MITCHELL: You can’t fuck the world if you don’t fuck in the morning.
ALEXIS: [Laughs] So yeah, our sessions are longer; the orgasms are deeper. The intimacy that’s happening is really intense. I know a lot of people talked about the crying and the laughing and the big emotional releases during sex, and I was really nervous about that happening because I said, “What if I start crying and then he loses his erection?”
But then it got so deep with these sessions that it just happened. Sometimes it was things getting out, and sometimes it was just so overwhelming, like the connection, the energy, the whatever, the love of it or the beauty of it or whatever was happening, that it came out—and none of my fears came to life. Everything was good; it just made the connection stronger.
Even just being able to open and release like that during our session is really different from what it was for us before. It’s like there was always something between us before, whether it was one of us holding ourselves back or both of us holding each other back. Stupid white lies or whatever it was, there was always something between us.
Now, especially during these deep sessions, there were some times where we had to tap out and say, “Okay, it’s 11:00 p.m.; we have to get up at 4:30 a.m. We should probably stop. This should probably be our stopping point. We’ve got to stop at some point.”
When Your Relationship is Your Superpower
KIM: Amazing. If you had to summarize what this has all done for your outer lives, you’ve given some pictures of this throughout, but I’m always making the parallels for people between those who have these radical shifts in the bedroom and what happens outside the bedroom as a result. Because the average person makes no connection between the two. It’s usually in reverse. It’s how their dreary or nonexistent sex life is sucking the rest of their life into the bedroom like a vortex, having a negative impact on everything that they touch.
When you use your relationship as a superpower, it has a rejuvenating, turbo-boosting effect on everything else in your life. How would you summarize those changes that you’ve seen?
MITCHELL: I’ve gotten multiple raises in the last year.
ALEXIS: There have been like three raises and a good bonus, all since we’ve started doing this.
KIM: Wow.
MITCHELL: That’s one of the things you talk about too—financial gain comes from it.
Then, honestly, trying less to get more work, but the energy from the sex—I don’t have to try nearly as hard to bring in more.
Just with work, I’ve noticed a huge difference in that. Then energetically with myself, I feel like I’ve woken up a lot over the last year in a lot of ways and to a lot of things. I’ve changed so much the last year, definitely for the better. It started with CCT and then went to SMM. Then, over the past couple of months, we’ve been doing some more personal things, focusing on growth, and we just keep leveling up.
ALEXIS: And what’s interesting is that part of the reason I brought him into the work was that he’s had a goal his whole career. It’s been this one goal the whole time. That came up while I was in VKF. “Hey, this is a possibility; you’re in the running for this,” and he told me about it and I said, “Oh, we have to fuck this into existence.” [Laughs] I said, “We’ve got to make this happen. We’ve got to get on this.”
What’s funny is that since that happened and that conversation happened, everybody else who was in the running for this position is now gone from the company, and it has been more solidified that this is happening for him. That’s been really good.
There was even a point at a crossroads for him when he could’ve left and done something else or stuck with this, and this happened when we were in CCT. I think that being more connected, being more aware, being more confident in our ability to fuck things into existence, helped lead our decision, and it definitely was the right decision that we made, for sure.
MITCHELL: Absolutely.
ALEXIS: Yeah, for sure. And then as far as everything else, we live a holistic life. We’re the weird people in our family. [Laughs] We’re the people who un-school our kids.
MITCHELL: Anti-allopathic medicine.
ALEXIS: Yeah. We don’t do all the pharmaceutical stuff in a family full of doctors and whatnot. There were a lot of big decisions I had to make with the kids this last year over different health things that were happening with them, and I knew I could either trust the medical community, or I could trust myself and see how it played out.
He said, “Your intuition has always been right with the kids. We’re going to do this.” And having this connection with ourselves, with the world, with whatever, I was able to make the decisions that felt right to me and basically tell everybody, “If you don’t like it, fuck you.” [Laughs] It’s been the right decision. Everything panned out the way it was supposed to or the best way it could have.
That was definitely huge for us. It was huge for me because I do feel like I always have to be on defense with everybody about how we choose to live.
MITCHELL: Parenting.
ALEXIS: Yeah, how we parent.
MITCHELL: I think it’s helped a lot with parenting as well.
ALEXIS: Yeah. We’ve definitely been different with the kids, especially with me, because our oldest is 10. She’s our only girl, and she had just gotten to the point where bras were a thing. “Hey, bras are the devil.” [Laughs]
Even just that, we were able to guide her in that and the fact that she’s about to hit puberty and all that stuff—I feel way more comfortable and confident being able to raise them up to know these things now. To be able to go into it the right way.
I feel like we’re completely re-virgins in sex. We’re learning all this all over again. There’s going to be less that they’re going to have to deal with and heal from because of the things that we managed to learn in the past year.
MITCHELL: For sure.
KIM: Amazing. So incredible to hear. I love all these stories and how committed you’ve been to this whole process. It’s incredible.
Is there anything else you’d like to add? You’ve covered a lot, but I will just check.
MITCHELL: I don’t think so. To anybody listening, especially guys, trying new things can be hard, especially in this type of realm, but it’s definitely worth it. If anybody is committed and does the work and actually tries and puts forth the effort, there’s no way not to see huge dividends. It’s impossible not to. Not just with sex, but in all areas of your life.
I tell her all the time that I love you, Kim. [Laughs] You’ve done so much for our relationship and for me personally. Anyway, everyone, just stop being afraid to try new things and just trust the process. Don’t rush the process. I say this a lot with sports, but don’t rush the process. Trust the process.
KIM: Beautiful.
ALEXIS: Yeah. Basically, if you want your wife to be obsessed with you, then do the things. Listen to the things, because it’s almost ridiculous, but I can’t be in the same room with him without feeling the stir in my gut and being overwhelmingly excited to talk to him and be around him and think about him. We’ve been together seven years, we have three kids, there are plenty of things that’ve happened, but it’s still like there’s all this excitement and this overwhelming in-love-ness.
I was talking to a friend of mine who did all of your courses last year too. We were talking about that and being in that state, and she said, “It’s crazy. A lot of people don’t get that. Especially a lot of married people, they don’t have that almost infatuation with each other and that overwhelming feeling. It’s sad. It’s a shame. Whatever. Try it. If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. But it’s going to work.
MITCHELL: That was my thing. “Oh, we’ll take a class on maybe trying to improve and have more sex. What could go wrong?”
KIM: I don’t get it. When people have resistance, I say, “How could you?” We’re going to take a class on how to have more ecstasy in our lives.
MITCHELL: It seems like little risk.
ALEXIS: Little risk, big reward.
KIM: Yeah, exactly. Well, I love you guys, and thank you so much for opening up and sharing your journey with people to be an inspiration and begin. Your energy says it all. The way you talk about it and the stories that you share, and it’s such a wonderful example for people to aspire to. Thank you.
ALEXIS: Thank you.
MITCHELL: Thanks for having us and thanks for everything.
***
The Coming Together Salon is now open for registration. This was the program that really kicked Alexis and Mitchell’s relationship into high gear and kept it there. They refer to it throughout the interview as CCT.
In the salon, we explore everything we talked about, from Tantric and Taoist sexual practices for multiple and full-body orgasms to how to create a conscious, alchemical relationship, G-spots for him and her, building stamina for men, radical honesty and open communication as foreplay, the art of the three-hour sex date, creating polarity with your archetypal masculine and feminine energies, and much, much more.
You can sign up here: Coming Together for Couples.
